“I’m good. I’m just really tired.”
I laugh, hoping to diffuse the tension I’m feeling over the phone. “Have you been out partying already? You girls shutting down Ralph’s at night?” I pray she says yes because the alternative in my mind is that she’s been crying her eyes out since I left. I don’t know what I’ll do if she says that. My options are limited unless she wants to come out here. Logically, I could quit the band, but I won’t do that to Harrison and JD. And I think she knows that.
“No, nothing like that. Sleepless nights. No one to cuddle next to and your pillow no longer smells like you. I’ve taken to wearing a few of your shirts that were left.”
The thought of her curled up in my shirt brings a smile to my face. “Would you like me to send you one tomorrow?”
“Yes,” she says without hesitation. The only thing missing is her laugh. I really need to hear her giggle because then I’ll know everything’s okay.
“I love you, Jojo.”
“I love you, Liam. Tell me about LA. Do you remember the time that I was there?”
My groin stirs at the recollection of her in a red dress. The valley of her breasts was exposed, begging for me to mark her as mine. I had to do everything in my power not to cross the line and by line I mean taking her to bed to make her scream my name.
“I’ll never forget that night. I wanted you so badly and not just in my bed, but in my life. I wanted to see how you fit here. There were so many times when I’d stand at the window and imagine you down on the street. I’d look for you in the crowds at a concert. I always said that if I saw you, I’d never let you go until you told me to.”
“Why are you telling me this now?”
I shrug, even though she can’t see it. Taking a deep breath, I prepare to start spilling my guts. “I bottle shit up, you know this. I wish I didn’t, but sometimes it’s easier. Right now, I’m second-guessing myself as a husband, a father and a musician. I want to be home with you and Noah, but I want to be here as well. I’m trying to find a happy medium, but I don’t know what that is. When I was here before, you were on my mind every single day. Songs have been written about you, repeatedly, and that was never enough. It’s like I’m torn in two, Josie. The Page/Westbury parts are fighting for dominance and I honestly don’t know which side is going to win.”
“You’re a wonderful father and an amazing husband. You’re the husband I thought you’d be, the only difference is there’s no football, and that’s okay because that means no injuries, no free agency, no one talking about how old you are. You’re successful and have worked hard to gain what you have, what you give Noah and I. I don’t want you to change, Liam.”
She pauses, catching her breath. I can tell from her voice she’s been crying and even though she’s assured me nothing’s wrong, I know she’s not being honest with me.
“I want you to be who you want to be. Noah and I will support you no matter what.”
Her words trigger a wave of relief within me. Suddenly I feel ten pounds lighter. “You’re too good for me, you know that right?”
Josie sighs and giggles. She finally fucking giggles and now I’m smiling like a damn fool. “I’m not but I like that you think I am. We’re good for each other.”
Before we can get into how things are going, Noah’s home and chatting my ear off about baseball practice and spending the night at Nick’s. He tells me that Aubrey made him a tent for over his bed, and while he’s too big for it, he slept in it anyway so he wouldn’t hurt her feelings. He hangs up before I can ask him to put his mom back on the phone.
I’ll call after Noah’s in bed.
I shoot her a quick text. I’d rather let her spend some time with Noah, instead of sitting on the phone with me. Besides, with him in the room, we can’t really talk, so I’ll call her tonight. As I walk down the hall back to the club, I stop at the picture of my grandfather. I wish I had met him, had been a part of his life or he mine. My grandmother loved him, even though he left her. It takes a strong woman to hold on that long. Josie is strong like my grandma, while my mother isn’t. I don’t know what would possess anyone to give up their life for someone else. Not in the sense that you’re committed to each other, but to forget who you were. Because of what my mother did, likely at the request of my father, I didn’t get to know my grandmother and neither did my son. I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to forgive her or Sterling for that.