Pushing away from the table, I storm upstairs and into my closet. My arm reaches for the pull cord to the attic, but I hesitate. I know he has boxes up there from his time in LA and maybe they yield something about me, about us. Did he keep journals? Did he write about me in side notes of songs he wrote while he was away?
I close my eyes and pull, fearful of what might fall down; the dust, spiders and who knows what else lives up there. The attic is Liam’s job. He stores our holiday decorations up there and brings them down when needed, along with other household items we want to save. It’s the catch all for anything we don’t want seen. I’ve only been up here a few times and as I climb the rickety ladder now I’m second-guessing myself. But I have to know if he ever felt anything for Sam, or if he ever thought about me while he was gone. He’s says he thought about me all the time, but the nagging suspicion reading this book has caused me won’t go away and I need it to.
The string to the light dangles in front of me as I climb the steps. It’s out of reach until I’m two or three steps from the top. I pull gently, afraid that if I pull too hard the frayed string will break and with Liam not home to fix it, my quest for answers will only continue.
Boxes line the walls. Each one of them marked with what’s inside. I trail my fingers along the lettering: Noah’s school work, baby clothes, sheet music, and records. This attic doubles as his storage space since the basement studio isn’t big enough. I start with the box labeled sheet music. Removing the lid, the papers are nice and orderly and blank. I pull that box down and look at the one behind it, continuing this unless I see something that makes sense to me.
After what seems like an hour, I look around and see that I’ve destroyed the clean attic. Boxes are everywhere, some missing their lids, and I’m no closer to finding something that will help me feel like Liam is where he wants to be. I don’t care if he didn’t say the words in that book. They were said and I have to know if they’re true.
A box titled “Grandma” catches my eye and I move quickly toward it. I hesitate before lifting the lid because I’m about to search through the belongings of a woman I didn’t know, a woman who took Liam away from me and is someone he loves dearly. He hardly speaks of her and when he does, he doesn’t divulge much. All I really know is she died – that’s it. I don’t know how or when. Maybe it’s her death that truly brought him home to me, not Mason’s funeral. I run my hand over the top of the box and grab it with both hands, setting it on the floor.
As I stare at the box, I notice that the cursive handwriting on it isn’t Liam’s and because of what I’ve recently read, I’m pretty sure it’s Sam’s. She was there when she died. She was the one to comfort him. She was the one to help him through the loss of someone he cared about deeply. I wasn’t given that chance. I know I seem bitter but I’m not, I’m just really angry.
The way I see it I can be angry with two dead people who can’t defend their actions now, or open this box and see what Grandma Betty can tell me. Hopefully, she’s the key to figuring everything out.
Removing the lid unveils a pile of papers and a few smaller boxes. Picking up the first stack of papers, I blow the dust off and unfold them. This is the deed to her house, and it’s in Liam’s name. Sam said in her diary that she didn’t sell the house like he had asked and it makes me wonder if it’s still there. Has it sat empty all this time?
The next section of papers reveals a death certificate. Its dated only months after he left me. My heart drops, beating a bit faster knowing I wasn’t enough to bring him back after his grandmother passed away. These are two things I now know from my investigation: Liam possibly still owns his grandmother’s house, and he lost her early on in his new career path.
Setting the certificate aside, I dig in and pull out a wooden box. The name “Betty” is engraved on the outside. Opening it reveals jewelry: Diamonds and rubies. Sizes of rings I’ve only seen in stores are sitting there and in need of some serious attention.
The next box holds pictures. I immediately recognize Bianca. My finger trails down the image, mesmerized by her beauty. Her dark hair is pulled up high, and she’s wearing a light colored dress with the most vibrant smile. I’ve never seen her smile like this, but would like to. I think Noah and Liam deserve to see the sparkle she has in her eyes in this picture shine for them.
I look inside the box and see that I have another wooden box and a folder left to look through. I wish I could say I’m satisfied with what I’m finding, but I’m not. Liam should have this stuff out on display, or locked away for safekeeping.
The other wooden box is engraved with “Charlie” and I’m guessing that belongs to his grandfather. I run my fingers over the letters and think that Charlie would make a great name for our newest addition. I had thought Liam would suggest Mason, but he hasn’t said anything yet and I may offer up Charlie as an option.
Opening the box reveals an old folded piece of paper. I carefully unfold and read the words meant for someone else.