My Dearest Betty,
Death knocks on my door, and yet you stay by my side. I should’ve never left you and Bianca. I was stupid, selfish and thought the grass would be greener on the other side. I was wrong. Being away from you was a mistake and one I’ll never be able to change. The only thing I can do, is make sure you’ll always be taken care of. Someday I hope that you forgive me for wronging you the way I did.
Love, Charlie
I wipe away the tears before they hit the paper and find myself needing to scream at love lost, yet again, because of foolish mistakes and death. Liam never knew his grandfather and his grandmother weren’t allowed to see him. Life shouldn’t be this way. At the end of the letter is a bank and routing number. It’s all Charlie wanted, to take care of his one true love. I fold the letter up and press it to my heart. Charlie’s wedding ring, watch and pocketknife are the only things left in the box aside from a few pictures of Betty and Bianca.
The folder is heavy when I pick it up and I can easily deduce that it’s full of paper. I close my eyes and pray this will have what I’m looking for. I undo the clasp which falls apart in my hand. It’s not old, just over used. I pull out the stack of papers. My heart catches in my throat as I gulp for air. I flip through the pages and pages of notes, all in Liam’s handwriting. I don’t understand why they’re in this box. Why would they be in a box for his grandparents and not for him? The pages are dated, and in order, starting with the day he left.
All she had to do was hold me.
Tell me everything would be okay.
Her words – they broke me and yet she cries.
I remember that day vividly. I don’t need a reminder.
She hates me, but I love her.
I want to tell her.
Call her.
Beg her.
Her voice will break me.
Shatter me.
I said the one thing to end it.
Josephine.
The sob escapes before I can control it. My lips tremble as tears rush down my face, my breathing labored. Each inhale is painful, and it feels as though I can’t exhale because I can barely catch my breath. I let it all out, screaming loudly until my throat is dry and scratchy. The tears won’t stop, and I don’t expect them to as long as I’m reading his words.
She wants to get married, but I don’t love her.
When I look at her, she’s not the one I see in my dreams.
She’s blonde and my fantasy is a brunette.
She’s pregnant, and I want nothing to do with her.
I DON’T WANT HER
Never have.
I’m weak. I’m weak. I’m weak.
I flip to the end, unable to read anything about Sam and her fake baby. She tried to trap Liam, and it almost worked. It would’ve if he hadn’t left.
A piece of me has died.
My best friend, gone.
He never knew how sorry I am.
I’m going home.
She’ll be there.
Will I be able to tell her?
That I still love her?
With every breath – the love I have grows stronger.
Fuck distance.
Fuck life.
I hold the papers to my chest and let everything pour out of me at once. I’m an idiot for doubting him, for thinking that he wasn’t being honest with me. We have a good life and I almost let the pain I feel from not having him here with me ruin us.
“No more,” I say to a room full of memories. “Sam can’t hurt me anymore.”
I won’t allow it.
I start picking everything up, leaving his grandparents’ box for last. I want to talk to him about it, bring their stuff into our lives. We should be celebrating their lives, even if she’s the one who pulled him away from me.
No, that’s not true. Liam would’ve left regardless. Betty just guided him on his journey.
Finally, her name and beautiful face appear on my screen. I excuse myself from the conversation between Harrison, JD, Layla and Burke – Metro’s long-standing bass player and doorman – and walk to the greenroom.
“Hello?” My voice is a breathy sigh, full of relief. Knowing she’s on the other line calms me.
“I’m sorry I disappeared on you. I have no excuse other than I miss you.”
“I miss you too, Jojo.” Her words give me pause. I know she’s stressing about the baby coming while I’m gone and the best that I can do is promise her I’ll be home. Or maybe once he’s arrived, she can come out here. Noah won’t be done with school yet, but Nick would watch him while Josie visits with the baby.
“So anyway, how are things there?”
“Are you okay?” I ask instead of answering her question. There’s something off in her voice and I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t concerned. Without a doubt she’s my number one priority, even if I’m not showing it right now.