“I should end my life but I am too much of a coward, too selfish to release Baodan of me. Despite my agony, the will to live is strong. Although I try to diminish its flame, there is a spark of hope within me. Hope that my mind will heal itself, but I know that I will not be given the time to do so. He comes for me, I feel it every moment, and fear has taken up permanent residence within my heart. My moments left in this world are few, and perhaps, that is just as it should be.”
I sat blinking at the empty pages following her words as I put together all of the pieces within my mind. Osla hadn’t killed herself as Baodan believed. She’d been murdered by the same man who tempted her into his bed, making the rest of her brief life a living hell.
A few pieces still lay unconnected. Eoghanan’s illness on the night of Osla’s death, Kenna’s sickness that caused her to leave McMillan Castle, and Griogair’s sudden death now. They all related to Osla.
I looked at the flickering light that danced on the walls around me. Slowly they seemed to ignite a light within me. Kenna worked within this very room before falling ill, saw the very words sitting before me. Suddenly, I could see it all.
As each piece fell smoothly into place, a voice behind me jerked me out of my thoughts.
I turned to see Eoghanan standing in the doorway.
“Ye canna tell him, lass. No ever.”
Chapter 32
“Why?” I wanted nothing more than to tell Baodan. He deserved to know the truth after believing himself at fault for so many years. More than that, he needed to know.
Eoghanan moved inside the room, leaning against the desk in front of me as he closed Osla’s journal. “There is no need for him to know. ’Twould only cause him pain.”
“He’s already in pain.” I stood, confused and frustrated. “Keeping the truth from someone doesn’t protect them. It only keeps them living a lie longer than they need to. Baodan blames himself for what happened to her. He thinks he wasn’t enough to make her happy.”
Eoghanan regarded me skeptically. “How could he think such? Osla loved him more than anyone.”
“He thinks that because Baodan thinks everything is his fault.”
“To tell him would only lay the blame with Osla and ’tis no her fault either.”
“Bullshit.”
I pressed my fingers hard against my forehead, willing myself not to lose it in a show of anger. I couldn’t take another moment of this “women are weak” mindset that all of these men seemed to have.
“I’m sure you’ve never heard the expression, but it takes two to tango. Niall is at fault more than anyone, but unlike he tried to do with me, I don’t get the impression that Niall forced Osla into his bed. We have our own minds, and we are responsible for our own choices. I know that you liked her, but she played a part in this. I’m not saying that she doesn’t deserve forgiveness, but better Baodan lay the blame on her and Niall than on himself a moment more.”
For a long while, Eoghanan paced the room as he started to speak, only to stop after a few syllables. “Ye…ye…I…”
I could take no more. “Oh gracious, just spit it out!”
“Ye are the oddest lass I have ever seen.”
“Yeah, I get that a lot around here.” I crossed my arms as I glared back at him. We stood in an odd sort of showdown across the tower room. Him at one end gripping the journal, me in front of the doorway blocking his exit.
“I mean it, lass. I’ve never heard a woman speak the way that ye do.”
“Am I wrong?”
He placed the journal back on the table, and I took it as a sign of his resignation. “Ye are no wrong. ’Tis only that I havena spoken of all that happened in so long, it pains me to do so now.”
“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have been so harsh.” Of course it hurt him. The death of his friend, the grief of Baodan, the betrayal of Niall. Too much for anyone to keep inside of them for so long. “Why did you? Why haven’t you told anyone?”
I stepped outside the door and waved for Eoghanan to join me out on the steps. He nodded and followed, only speaking once we were both seated.
“For the longest time, I dinna see it, what Niall had done. I suppose I dinna really want to. She couldna move past what she’d done, couldna bear the guilt of it. It wasna so difficult to believe that she would harm herself.”
He stared in front of him and, although he spoke to me, Eoghanan’s mind roamed far away, lost in dark memories of the past. I allowed him his silence until he readied himself to speak again.
“After her death, I could think of no good reason to tell Baodan about the affair. He dinna need any more pain, and Niall had already done all of the damage he could. I was wrong to think so, but I thought ’twould be best to leave their secret in the past.”
“How long did you believe she ended her own life? When did you learn what Niall had done?”
“’Twas only after our mother fell ill. She would never tell me, but I knew by the way she started to treat Niall that she’d uncovered his secret. Shortly after, she fell ill. It dinna take long for me to see the similarities in her sickness and the one that felled me the night Osla died. ’Twas much slower moving, but she couldna eat nor hardly move from her bed. That’s when I knew what he’d done.”