Keep talking. Holy hell, keep talking.
“You’re so wet and soft and it’s so cool you don’t shave or wax.”
Wait, what? That’s not hot.
“Did you just say I’m hairy?” I question on a gasp as he adds a second finger to the first.
I have a hairy wildebeest vagina. That’s what he’s saying, isn’t it?
“What?! No! That’s not what I meant!” he quickly adds as his fingers continue sliding in and out of me.
This feels good. Fuck no, this feels AMAZING. But all I can think about right now is that he thinks my vagina feels like an English sheepdog. All that hair falling down over the top of its eyes so it can’t see where it’s going. You know, if my vagina had eyes. It could be a scary movie: If the Vagina had Eyes. Rogue vaginas pissed off because they’re so hairy, hiding in abandoned houses, waiting to bring down their wrath on unsuspecting townspeople. Wait, didn’t Big Bird have a dog like that named Barkley on Sesame Street? Gavin is going to start calling my vagina Barkley.
I’m so preoccupied with my sheepdog vagina that I don’t immediately notice Gavin is reaching his one arm down to the floor; the arm that isn’t busy reaching into the horror story that is my vagina. He fumbles around for a few seconds before coming back with a condom in his hand.
“I swear I don’t always carry these around with me. Aunt Jenny gave them to me a few weeks ago and they’ve been in my wallet ever since,” he reassures me as he sees me staring at the little foil packet in his hand.
“I’m fine. It’s totally fine. Of course you should carry condoms. You need those for sex. The sex that you have. The sex that everyone has,” I ramble.
Everyone but me. Oh shit, I should really come clean and tell him I’ve never done this before. I don’t have time to confess that little white lie, though, because he’s back to kissing me again and putting on the condom at the same time. This is happening.
He positions himself at my opening, and since his nimble fingers got me nice and wet before Barkley made an appearance, he starts to slide right in like it’s no big deal. This is really happening and it’s a big deal and oh my holy fuck JESUS MOTHER OF FIRE BURNING HELL THIS HURTS!
My thighs clamp down like vises on his hips, and I squeeze my eyes closed as he pushes the rest of the way inside me.
Ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch, fucking holy shit ouch.
“Holy shit. What the fuck? Oh my God. Charlotte, why the hell didn’t you say something?!” Gavin curses as he holds himself still and winces like he’s the one in pain. FUCK YOUR MOTHER! The only pain being had right now is by me and my vagina.
“Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit, oh my God I’m sorry. Are you okay? WHY DIDN’T YOU SAY SOMETHING?!” Gavin shouts.
“Telling you I’m a virgin is not exactly romantic,” I fire back.
“God dammit! The only reason I even had sex with Shelly in high school was because I thought you had sex with DJ! Fuck! Your dad is going to kill me!” he complains.
“Can we NOT talk about my father right now?” I shout.
“We can’t talk about your father, we can’t talk about you being a virgin, what the fuck CAN we talk about?!” he yells.
“Are we really going to argue about this right now when your penis is inside of me?!” I scream back.
We lie there, breathing heavy and staring at one another, until Gavin’s shoulders droop and he leans his forehead down against mine.
“You should have told me,” he whispers before pulling back and kissing my cheek. “I hurt you.”
He kisses my cheek, my nose, my eyes, and finally my lips. “We should stop. It shouldn’t be like this … in the back seat of your car. You should have music and candles and flowers.”
“We are not stopping. I’m okay now, I swear. The deed is done. I am no longer a virgin, thank you very much,” I remind him.
“I want this to be good for you,” he pleads.
“It IS good for me. I swear.”
I pull him back to me and kiss him. After a few minutes, he begins to move against me and this time, I’m vocal with my ouch.
“Okay, maybe it isn’t going to be THAT good. I’m sorry. It’s not you, it’s me. We’re parked next to a corn field and I’m pretty sure there are killer children out there waiting to bust in the windows and stab us,” I tell him.
“I knew you said Malachai before. And don’t worry, I can totally fix this situation,” Gavin says.
I start to protest as he moves away from me again, but he just reaches down to the floor and fumbles around again for a few seconds. He pulls his arm back and in his hand is the world’s tiniest bullet vibrator.
“Did you just pull a vibrator out of your jeans?”
“Yes, yes I did. See? My job is TOTALLY awesome,” he says with a smile as he presses a button and the little silver ball fires up.
“Don’t guys feel like less of a man if they have to use a vibrator on a woman?” I question.