It would be some time before I would be able to anchor my feelings. Sorting through them can be difficult when you shove them to the back of your mind so that you don’t have to deal with the pain of them. Some moments, I felt I wanted to abandon the relationship that didn’t exactly have a category. Others, I truly believed I couldn’t live without Azmir. He had awakened so much life and essential substance deep down inside of me.
Azmir stirred passion in me with his companionship, two things that I’d never dreamt of. Two things that I didn’t think I could live without moving forward, after having experienced them with Azmir. I didn’t want to let go of those things and didn’t know if I’d find another being that I’d let in enough to experience life as I do with Azmir again. I was completely drawn to him. Hopelessly. But I couldn’t let him cheat me, rob me of fidelity. Exclusivity. My heart couldn’t handle that. He couldn’t just lay me down and move on to a new conquest arbitrarily like my father had done to my mother all those years ago. I wouldn’t have it. I was an emotional yo-yo. I kept rolling optimism in and rolling it right back out.
Though completely exhausted, emotionally and physically, I had a presentation to prepare for in San Diego. That of course, gave me the perfect escape from my despair. I don’t know where the inclination or the strength came from, but I found myself on my laptop, logging into my e-mail. My heart slammed in my chest when I saw a message from the attorney I’d hired to help negotiate visits with Erin. I hadn’t spent time with her since Michelle’s passing. I’ve called and texted Amber, but to no avail. She was making her message clear: I wasn’t welcomed in Erin’s world. Azmir offered his attorney, but I didn’t want to bust down Amber’s door with guns ablaze. The e-mail was to inform me that Amber had hired her own attorney, further demonstrating her resistance to my access to Erin.
Life can be so cruel.
~~~~~~~~~~
Azmir
I was in an evening video conference meeting in Miami at the Fontainebleau. There was a failing company in Canada who wanted to discuss liquidation options. We conducted our meeting through a canvas screen, mounted to the wall. My partner, Robert, and I sat at a large conference table facing the projected screen.
It had been a long day. I was hungry and absurdly exhausted. What I wouldn’t give to be home in my bed tonight. My mind had been running mad at Petey’s report of this clown ass attorney chasing Rayna’s ass—my ass. I was feeling mounds of guilt for having missed her show a few days ago. A part of me also felt like I had given Thompson’s ass an in. I didn’t think Rayna would go for it, but I also realized that I haven’t done much to secure her as mine. Yeah, I have her in the high-rise, but if I consider the amount of women I’ve fucked while they were living with their boyfriends and husbands, I’d be a fool to believe that her tripping out was impossible.
All I could hear were Petey’s words of advice, “If you wanna lock a woman like Rayna down the last thing you need is to leave her for days, and sometimes weeks at a time. Snatch her ass off the market with a ring.”
I’d already started considering marriage with Rayna prior to him broaching the subject. My only reservation was her wanting it. What Petey didn’t know was how difficult she can be with revealing her inner most feelings. She had been improving, especially now with her joining this church and learning about love and trust. We’ve come a long way and I didn’t want to push her over the edge. I appreciated her progress. What ever it took to get her to open up, I was game for.