Action!
“Azmir...playing spades with the cards up...all trust.” I gulped in air as I was sitting on my legs, facing him in the bed. 5-4-3-2-1. “I have a brother, just a few months older than me, who’s incarcerated back in Jersey for murder. I don’t want to discuss the details right now, but I can say that I’ve been paying his attorney fees for quite a few years now. We’ve been pursuing an appeal.” I ended there, unable to think of anything more to disclose.
He lowered his gaze to the comforter on the bed, I’m sure confused and definitely taken by surprise. Say something, Azmir! Please! I don’t know what I was expecting him to say. I certainly didn’t think he’d go berserk, but I anxiously awaited a reaction.
“Do you need money to help with the attorney fees?”
What? “No. God, no!” I was taken aback.
“Sounds like you need a new lawyer. Is that what you’re asking for?” he ask, clearly bemused.
Seriously?
“Azmir, I don’t need anything from you...just for you to know. That is a huge part of my life that I keep extremely private. You’re only the second person who knows.” I was at a loss for words.
“Is that why you visit Jersey?”
“Yes. To see Akeem and replenish his commissary.”
“Only him?”
“Oh, God...yes! Only my brother.”
“Is that the reason for such short trips?” He’s catching on, attempting to make sense of the bomb I just dropped on him.
Is he asking if I had some type of jump-off back there?
“Yes. The trip last summer, when you came out, was the first for something other than him. I’d learned my father had passed and my sister asked for me, something she’s never done. And I went to see about her and my grandparents, again, something I’ve not done since leaving.” The lids to my eyes collapsed as I recalled the horrific event. I hated talking about anything relating to home or my past. “And for some odd reason, I went to check on my mother: another first for me, too. Had to visit old demons, so to speak,” I said that last line with a forlorn giggle in an effort to disarm his doubts of my odd story.
“I’m sorry to hear about your loss,” he murmured before a long pause. Then, “I didn’t know you had an older brother…didn’t know you had a sister until I found you out in Jersey.”
“I know...because I don’t discuss them. And I’m still not ready to.” I looked him in his eyes as a way if asking permission to re-seal my box of secrets for that moment. His ruminative expression tugged at my heart. He grew silent.
“Azmir, say something,” I murmured.
“I’m not sure what to say. You’ve made it clear that you don’t care to discuss more than you have. So I have to make do with what you’ve given.” He then shifted towards me, “Rayna, is there something detrimental, illegal, life threatening—or anything of that nature in your past that I should know of? Remember, we’re playing spade with the cards up...all trust.”
My heart rate increased as I pondered his question. Death maybe, but not in a present tense. Ummmmmmm...
“No.”
He gave me a deep, intense, and purposely emphasized gaze into my eyes. I swear I started to perspire where I sat. He was intentionally intimidating me...sending a message to my conscience. I now have an idea of what his staff experiences under his tutelage.
Here we go.
“No,” I repeat.
“Then go to bed. We have to be up bright and early.” Azmir exited the bed.