Lost and Found

It was raining, storming, when I rushed out of the barn. Big, fat raindrops drenched me by the time I’d sprinted into the house. When I shoved through the back door and into the kitchen, I found the dinner and whatever mess Jesse and Pierce’s brawl had created.

Rose was at the sink, in her terry cloth bathrobe, drying the last dish.

I thought everyone would have been asleep. It was late, but I should have known Rose would stall, wait for me to finish with “my moment.” I was cold and wet, but I was thankful for it. The rain coating my face disguised the tears.

I wanted to head to my room so badly. I couldn’t talk anymore. A wound I’d been so sure was close to healing had been ripped open that night. Not only that, I knew I’d just given myself another one. Jesse Walker was the kind of wound a girl could never recover from.

Rose placed the platter she’d been drying on the counter and came toward me with her arms opened. I shot a quick glance at the stairs again, wishing I could escape up them.

Then Rose’s tiny arms folded me up into a big hug, and there was nowhere else I’d rather have been.

“I love you, sweetheart,” she said after a while. “We all love you. You are loved.” She smiled up at me through the tears trailing down her cheeks. “Don’t let anyone else, most of all yourself, tell you you’re not.”

She was crying. I was crying. I’d never cried as much in my entire life as I’d cried that summer.

Giving me a moment to let that set in, she rubbed my arms, then let me go. Rose had a sixth sense about what I needed without having to even ask. She knew when I needed a hug, when I needed to be left alone, and when I just needed to think.

That sixth sense made sense. She’d been through it all before. She’d figured it out with Jesse first.

As much as I wanted to sprint up those stairs, I couldn’t. I could barely put one foot in front of the other. I was exhausted, physically and mentally. Exhausted in the way that sleep wouldn’t cure.

Once I was inside my room, I peeled my wet dress off and changed into a pair of leggings and that old tee of Jesse’s that had become my favorite sleep shirt. I made sure my window was closed and locked before I tucked myself into bed.

It was the first night I’d kept my window closed since I’d climbed up into Jesse’s room. I never thought I could cry as much as I did over a window, but my sobs ripped through me so long and so hard that, after a while, they rocked me to sleep.

A CLAP OF thunder shaking the farmhouse jolted me awake. It was still dark and my eyes still felt puffy, so I knew it couldn’t have been all that long since I’d fallen asleep. After fumbling around for my phone, I saw it was just past midnight.

Another crack, that one shaking the house even more, and I instinctively reached for the space beside me on the bed.

I found . . . nothing. Just an empty space and a cool to the touch sheet.

Jesse wasn’t lying beside me. He wasn’t here to wrap me up in his arms, whisper in his sleepy voice that everything was all right, followed by a yawn, before we fell back asleep.

Jesse was gone because I’d pushed him away. Like I always knew I would. Like I knew I had to. For reasons I couldn’t quite remember in my sleep stupor, but for reasons that had seemed important earlier.

I tried lying back down. That lasted for all of two seconds before it became clear I couldn’t fall back asleep with the thoughts raging through my mind.

How could I let Jesse go? How could I let the Walkers go? How could I simply cut the best things in my life loose? Would I really walk away because things got hard? Would I really push the people who loved me away because they’d gotten too close? Would I really take the first healthy thing that had come into my life in a long time and throw it away?

The knowledge that I was strongly considering it made me realize I was, as Jesse said, trying to deny others what I’d been denied. I was becoming like my mom.

That was the thought that jolted me out of bed.

I moved silently down the hall and stairs and headed for the kitchen. I wasn’t hungry, but I didn’t know where else to go. All I knew was that I couldn’t stay in my room and I couldn’t climb up into the room I wanted to be in until I figured some shit out.

I knew I was facing one of those life-changing decisions. One of those defining moments. I was at a fork in the road. Would I continue down the same self-destructive, familiar path or would I choose to make a change, scary and unknown as that change would be?

A flashing sign with the answer in front of me would be really nice.

A light streaming from the living room caught my attention. The house was quiet except for my footsteps padding around the kitchen floor, so someone must have left a light on. I shuffled through the foyer, and when I entered the living room, I didn’t find it empty like I thought I would.

Rose sat on the floor, a few photo albums spread out around her, along with a pot of tea still steaming on a tray.

My instinct was to back away before she noticed me. I went against my instinct.

“Couldn’t sleep either?” I said, crossing the room toward her.

She didn’t look surprised to see me. In fact, when I took a closer look at the tea tray, I saw two cups instead of one. She’d been expecting me, it would seem.

“No.” She shook her head. “I never can when I know one of my babies is hurting. I suppose it’s a mother’s curse.”

I stopped at the edge of albums. “You talked with Jesse?”

She reached for the teapot and poured some into the other cup. “I did. He let me know that he told you about his past. About his adoption.”

I played with the hem of Jesse’s shirt. “Did he tell you about us?”

Rose set the teapot down and sighed. “He didn’t need to, sweetie. I could see it all on his face.”

I shifted and fought the urge to turn around and leave. “I didn’t mean to hurt him, Rose. I just want what’s best for him, you know?”

“Believe me, Rowen, as his mother, I know plenty about wanting what’s best for him.” She looked up at me with a serious expression. “I’m just hoping you’re going to realize sooner rather than later that you are what’s best for him.”

“You don’t mean that,” I whispered.

“I wouldn’t say it if I didn’t. And neither would Jesse. Maybe one day, Rowen, you’ll believe that, too.”

I didn’t reply. I wanted to believe that, but I wasn’t sure if I ever could. “Is everyone else asleep?” I wanted to steer the conversation away from the current topic.

“The girls are, but Neil and Jesse headed out about an hour ago with a few of the other ranch hands to look for a missing calf.”

I narrowed my eyes. “In the middle of the night? In the middle of this?” Another clap of thunder rocked the house to prove my point. “Couldn’t it have waited until morning?”

“Well, it could have,” Rose replied with a lift of her shoulders. “For anyone but Jesse or my husband.” She smiled and shook her head. “I think Neil was eager to get out of the house after the . . . earlier events, and Jesse looked like he needed the distraction even more.” I didn’t need to wonder why or what he needed a distraction from. “It’s probably for the best, anyways. There are plenty of predators out there, cliffs to tumble over, or fences to get tangled up in. A calf won’t last long once it’s separated from the herd.”

It still seemed extreme, but that seemed to be the status quo when it came to ranching and cowboys. “I hope they find the little thing soon then.”

“Me too,” Rose said with a nod. “I was getting these out for you.” Rose swept her hands over the photo albums. “When Jesse let me know he told you about the adoption, I figured you’d have questions and you know what they say . . .” she studied a photo of a young boy with white blond hair and smiled, “a picture says a thousand words.”

I tip-toed around the half dozen albums she had spread around her and took a seat beside her.

“And then I started thumbing through one, and I just kept thumbing.” She waved at the mass of albums.

I picked up the one closest to me and opened it to the first page. A young Neil and Rose stood with a young boy with sad eyes. He clung to Rose where she held him. Neil and Rose were smiling. Five-year-old Jesse was not. A note below the photo read, The day we brought our baby home.

A lump formed in my throat. I was so familiar with the hopeless, lost look on young Jesse’s face I could have been looking in a mirror.

“I’m glad he told you.” Rose leaned over and studied the picture. “It’s something he doesn’t like to relive, but it will always be a part of him.” She was quiet for a few moments as she gazed at the photo. “What those people did to him was unthinkable. His own flesh and blood abused and neglected him in ways worst enemies wouldn’t even conceive of doing to one another.”

I polished my thumb over Jesse’s sad face. I couldn’t comprehend how anyone could show anything but total love and adoration for the child in the photo.

“When the agency described what had happened to him . . . When we had to read through pages and pages of notes detailing the abuse he’d gone through . . .” Rose’s voice trembled, but she cleared her throat and continued, “Neil and I couldn’t not adopt him. We knew the risks. A young boy abused in the ways he had been had a high likelihood of becoming an extremely troubled young man. But you know what we said?” She chuckled and smiled down at the picture. “We told them to stick their ‘likelihoods’ where the sun doesn’t shine and asked to take our son home.”

I smiled with her and flipped the page. “And you all lived happily ever after.”

“Well, I wouldn’t go that far,” she said, taking a sip of her tea, “but we didn’t underestimate the power of a stable home and a loving family. We gave him that, and the rest was up to him.”

The next page was his first day of kindergarten. Well, homeschool kindergarten, but he still had a backpack and a new pair of boots, and he posed in front of the Walkers’ front door. His eyes were still sad, but he wore a smile.

The photo on the next page was Jesse up on a horse, maybe a couple years older. He had on a hat three sizes too big for him. He had another smile on his face, but in that one, his eyes matched his smile.

“He got better,” I stated, flipping to the next page. “You and Neil fixed him.”

“It took a lot of time and even more hard work, but yes, Jesse got better,” Rose said, grabbing another album. “But he fixed himself. We gave him a hand up, but the only person who could fix Jesse was Jesse.”

When her eyes shifted back to me, they softened. She might as well have just said The only person who could fix Rowen was Rowen.

A few pages later, I found a picture of the Jesse I knew. He was a few years younger, but he wore the same white tee, painted-on jeans, light hat, and brown boots. It was the first photo I’d seen where he’d been smiling big enough to notice his dimples. My heart hurt when I stared at that picture long enough.

I started to cry again.

“What is it, sweetheart?” Rose grabbed my hand and gave it a squeeze.

“My mom hates me, Rose,” I said, wiping away the tears. “My mom brought that man back into her life. Back into my life. How could anyone who loved someone do that to them?”

“Your mother doesn’t hate you. She just has a very poor way of showing her love.” Rose scooted closer so she could wrap her arm around me. “I couldn’t tell you what drew your mom and me together way back when. She was a lot like she is today, and I was a lot like I am today. But there was a chemistry between us. She never opened up to me, but I always sensed she’d lived a hard life. One she was running away from.”

I grabbed my cup of tea and took a sip. I’d never known my grandparents. I’d never known any family other than my mom. I’d also guessed there must have been a lot of bad blood between them because I’d never once received a birthday card from my own grandparents. It was all I’d ever known though, so I’d never given it a lot of thought.

Could it be I didn’t know a single blood relative, including my own father for crying out loud, because mom had pushed away everyone? The same way she’d pushed me away as much as a parent could an underage child in their home?

While I couldn’t be certain, it seemed a very possible explanation.

“So what does that mean?” I said, taking another sip before setting my cup back down. “I forgive and forget?”

Rose shook her head. “No, Rowen. It means you let go.” She brushed my hair behind my ear in a motherly way. “Sometimes we just have to cut off the dead branches in our life. Sometimes that’s the only way we can keep the tree alive. It’s hard and it hurts, but it’s what’s best.” She paused to take a breath. “Don’t let a dying branch take you down with it. Maybe one day she’ll change, but don’t go down with her, Rowen.”

“But she’s kind of taking me down no matter what I do,” I said, unable to look away from Jesse’s picture. “Art school was my ticket out of there. But now . . . the only place I have to go at the end of summer is back home. I tried following her rules this summer. I tried so hard to please her. But none of it mattered. I doubt she was even planning on paying my way through art school in the first place.”

“Maybe she was, and maybe she wasn’t, but don’t let your mom decide your future.”

I exhaled. “Kind of hard not to in this case.” Another clap of thunder rocked the house. The lights flickered. “Art school’s kind of expensive, and money isn’t something I have a lot of.”

“Have you ever thought about starting out at a community college with a good art program? Then transferring to a dedicated art school later?” Rose poured herself another cup of tea and topped mine off.

“Not really,” I said. “But at this point, I’m willing to consider any and all options that have me doing something related to art. Unless it involves paint-by-numbers. Because that’s the opposite of art.”

Rose fought a losing battle to keep her smile contained. “Here’s the way I see it. You’ll have earned enough money this summer to pay for a year’s tuition at a community college. If you want to come back next summer, we’d be happy to have you, and you could save enough for the following year.” I wasn’t sure if what I heard was real. Was the answer to my college dilemma so easily solved? “After that, you can apply for financial aid and scholarships and get into whatever art school you want. Doing it on your own, without being dependent on your mother.”

“I was never coming here to work for pay, Rose. Mom sent me here so I could prove to her I could work hard and walk a line.” The truck ride to Willow Springs, when Jesse played his favorite CD, popped to mind. Mr. Cash and his lyrics took on a very personal meaning.

“That may have been what your mom intended, but that’s certainly never what Neil and I intended. You’ve worked hard this summer, Rowen. You’ve been an asset to us, sweetie, not a liability.” Rose thumbed through the album in her lap. “I was just telling Neil I don’t know what I’m going to do when you leave us for school in a few weeks.”

A lot of information was coming at me. “You’re going to pay me?” I asked, feeling yet another lump form in my throat.

“That is what one does in exchange for work, Rowen.” She chuckled and rumpled my hair. “In the morning, we can start researching some community colleges with good art programs and late enrollment deadlines. Then we’ll get you signed up.”

I didn’t know what to say. I was speechless, and I was grateful, and I was overwhelmed. Art school on my own, paying my own way, dependent on no one but me.

It sounded wonderful. Too good to be true.

Then something jumped to mind, and I realized it was too good to be true.

“What about Jesse?” I’d pushed him away just a few hours ago, I’d turned and run away from him, but he was the first thing I thought about when I considered leaving Willow Springs.

Rose opened the album in her lap to the last page. I took a double take.

It was Jesse and me, sitting in one of the porch swings. His arm was draped over my shoulders like it always was when we were together, and my arm was wound around his stomach. He was looking down at me and I was looking up at him and we were just . . . grinning at each other. Like we were the happiest fools in the whole world.

That was why I’d needed a double take. I wasn’t used to the grinning, happy girl that had been caught on film. That wasn’t me.

Yet it was. The photo was all the evidence I needed to know I could change, like Jesse had. I could move on. I could be happy. I could move on and be happy . . . with him.

You know all those people who talk about epiphanies and life-changing revelations? Yeah, I’d been positive every last one of them was full of shit up until right then.

My mind was in that state between boggled and blown when a loud rapping sounded at the front door.

Rose’s eyebrows came together. “What in the world?” She rose and headed for the door. I rushed after her because part of me was worried my mom and Pierce were back for round two.

Rose glanced through the peephole before unlocking and swinging the door open.

“Justin,” she said, motioning him inside, “what’s the matter?” I’d seen some wet and dirty cowboys that summer, but not once had I seen one close to what Justin looked like. He was more mud than man.

“Sorry to burst in on you in the middle of the night, ma’am,” he said, sliding his hat off and making sure he stayed on the door mat. “But there’s been an accident.” Justin glanced my way for a brief moment. “It’s Jesse. He was out scouting the ridge, but when we all met back in the middle, Sunny showed up. Jesse wasn’t on him.”

I half gasped, half whimpered. Rose came up beside me and tried putting on a brave face. “Did he . . . do you think he might have fallen over the ridge?” Her voice wavered in places.

“We don’t know, ma’am,” Justin replied. “Neil and the rest of the boys are out searching for him right now, but he wanted me to let you know so you were . . . prepared for however we find him.”

I couldn’t decide if I was closer to passing out or having a heart attack. Either seemed probable.

“Listen here, Justin,” Rose said, stepping forward with me in tow. “My boy is strong and he knows this land like the back of his hand. You will find him and we’ll attend to whatever wounds he may have inflicted when you bring my boy back home. Bring. Him. Home.” It was the closest I’d seen Rose to breaking, the weakest I’d ever seen her. “Do you understand me?”

“We will, Rose,” he said, meeting her eyes. “We will.”

“Thank you,” she whispered.

“Neil asked me to grab one of the big first aid kits and some flares. Could you help me with that?”

“Of course. Come with me.” Rose turned and rushed into the kitchen. “And don’t worry about tracking in mud. Now’s no time to be worried about dirtying the floors.”

I put my hand out as Justin passed me. “Do you know where he is?”

“We know about where he is,” he said. “The trouble with that ridge is that the trail’s so narrow, if your horse takes one wrong step, you’re free falling down a hundred feet of rock face. Jesse’s a good rider and has traveled that ridge hundreds of times, but the rain’s coming down so hard you can barely see more than ten feet in front of you out there, and the mud’s up to our horses’s knees in some places.”

“Has anyone taken the ridge to look for him?” I stopped him again when he tried to pass.

“At night? In this weather? No, it’s suicide unless you’re Jesse Walker. Then it’s just very, very dangerous.”

“You’re just going to leave him there? What if he’s hurt? What if he’s dying? Someone has to go look for him!” I felt frantic knowing he was out there somewhere, possibly injured, and I couldn’t get to him.

“There’s a way into that ravine. You just have to take the long way around if you don’t want to or can’t take the ridge. If he’s down there, we’ll find him, Rowen. We’re not going to leave him alone.”

“Yes, but you just said the long way around. How much time does that take?”

“A half a day—or night, in this case—on horseback,” he answered.

“If he’s hurt, he could be . . . he could be . . .” I couldn’t get it out, so I clamped my mouth shut.

“Were doing our best, Rowen,” Justin said quietly. “We all like Jesse. We’d all risk our necks for him, but going out on that ridge would be like throwing your life away. No one would make it to him before they fell over the side, too.”

When Justin moved to pass by again, I let him.

I felt helpless. I was helpless.

Or was I?

With Rose and Justin preoccupied in the storage closet, I threw open the door and stared at the barn. A loud, almost frantic whinny came from it.

I could do it. I would do it.

I retrieved my ratty combat boots from the shoe basket beside the door, pulled them on, and raced for the barn. Justin was right. The rain was coming down so hard, I couldn’t see too far in front of me.

Once I was inside the barn, I slowed just long enough to snag one of the rain coats and headlamps hanging just inside and made my way down the row of stalls. I didn’t have long. Rose and Justin would have their supplies packed, and as soon as she knew I’d disappeared, Rose would figure out what I was up to. She wouldn’t let me go and do what I was about to do. She’d throw me down and sit on me if she had to, but I wouldn’t sit around when Jesse needed me.

Most of the stalls were empty. Another loud whinny came from one of the stalls a bit farther down, and I almost cried when I saw who it was.

Sunny was as wet and muddy as Justin. He was in his stall, pacing around and rearing up onto his back legs every few paces. He acted as frantic as I felt. Justin must have led him back, and thankfully, he was still saddled and bridled.

Jesse had showed me how to both saddle and bridle a horse, but I wasn’t especially quick at it. Right then, time was critical.

“Whoa, boy,” I said, as calmly as I could. “Are you worried about Jesse, too?” After slipping into the rain coat, I reached for the gate and slowly slid it open. From the crazed look in Sunny’s eyes, I worried he’d come barreling out of the stall as soon as I opened it.

Sunny flung his head about a few more times, then went as calm as a high-spirited horse like Sunny could go. I slid the gate the rest of the way open and grabbed ahold of Sunny’s reins. He let me lead him out of the stall and even stood still for me when I lifted my foot up into the stirrup. In all the times Jesse and I had gone out for evening rides, I’d never ridden Sunny. I usually rode Lily’s horse, Buttercup. The only time I rode Sunny was if Jesse was on him with me. Sunny didn’t like any other riders except for Jesse. The couple ranch hand show-offs I’d seen try it had been thrown within five seconds.

And there I was, someone who’d never ridden a horse before that summer, about to ride a one-man horse into the worst possible riding conditions. My survival instincts apparently took a vacation when I knew Jesse was in trouble.

I shifted my weight into the stirrup and swung my other leg up and over. I grimaced the entire time, bracing my body for Sunny to throw me off as soon as I settled into the saddle. A few seconds later, I opened my eyes to make sure I was in the saddle, on top of Sunny.

Sure enough.

Buttercup never even stood so steady and she was a twenty-year-old mare who could barely manage a trot anymore.

“Okay, Sunny,” I said, grabbing hold of the reins. “I’m going to need your help, buddy. I need you to help me find Jesse.” I slid the rain coat hood over my head and squeezed Sunny’s sides. He moved. He actually accepted a command from someone other than Jesse. “Take me to Jesse.” We emerged from the barn into the same sheets of rain. Sunny whinnied, and I just barely made out a form looking out the kitchen window. So much for my head start.

Grabbing onto the saddle horn as well, I clucked my tongue, and Sunny sprang to life.

Other than holding on for dear life and trying not to fall out of the saddle, I let Sunny do the rest. He raced past the corrals, past the driveway, and turned without any prompting from me. He really was taking me to Jesse. Sunny charged down the dirt road I’d driven a few times when I had to take lunch out to the guys working in the upper fields.

It wasn’t a dirt road anymore. It was a mud road. Sunny lost his footing a few times in the sludge, but I managed to stay in the saddle. Clumps of mud hit me from every angle, and the rain, at our speed, hurt my face until it finally went numb. It was the most rain I’d ever seen, and I’d grown up in Portland, Oregon.

Sunny charged ahead like he was the underdog in the Kentucky Derby. He did all the work, he blazed the trail; all I did was manage to hold on. So why did I feel so damn exhausted by the time Sunny’s gallop slowed? Might have had something to do with being soaked to the bone and my lower half being all tingly and numb from bouncing around in the saddle.

We were long past the spot I’d dropped the guys’ lunch off. I couldn’t tell how far, but I knew it was miles farther. The rain was slowing, so the visibility had slightly improved, but when I saw where Sunny was heading, I kind of wished I couldn’t see a thing again.

We were winding down a trail that continued to narrow. Where we were, the trail was wide enough for two riders to travel side by side, but every few feet, it got narrower and narrower until, finally, it seemed barely wide enough for Sunny and me.

To my left was a sheer rock face that went straight up a good twenty feet or so. To my right was a drop off. I couldn’t tell how far down the ravine was, but I could tell it was pretty far away from how long the rocks Sunny’s hoofs sent over the edge took to fall.

My heart pounded the farther down the ridge we traveled. Every survival instinct I possessed clawed at me to turn around and go back. Had turning around been possible on the narrow trail, I might have attempted it. I might have if any person but Jesse was down there.

That’s what kept me going. That’s what I knew kept Sunny going.

Jesse.

A moment later, I felt it. The oddest sensation I’d experienced to date. As though a slack rope I hadn’t even known I’d been tied to went taut, I could go no farther. I pulled up on Sunny’s reins, but it was a wasted effort. Sunny had stopped an instant before.

We’d found him. I knew it. It wasn’t just the rope I could feel. It was him.

“Good boy, Sunny,” I praised him, rubbing his neck. “You found him.”

I slipped on the headlamp and clicked it on. It didn’t cut through as much of the dark and the rain as I would have hoped, but I could make out that the drop off from that part of the trail was less treacherous looking. It was still steep but manageable with the proper equipment and experience. I happened to have neither.

I decided on which way I’d take down into the ravine before dismounting. Trying to climb off a horse on a trail that was maybe three feet wide was no easy task, but I managed it without causing permanent injury to human or horse.

I did one final check of my planned route before taking a deep breath. “I’m going to go get him, boy. I’m bringing Jesse back.” I didn’t know who I was trying to reassure, me or Sunny, but he replied with a low neighing sound.

I didn’t stall any longer. Staring over the precipice wouldn’t get me to Jesse any faster. I lowered my right foot, and when it felt stable, I lowered my left. The slope felt just as steep as it looked, but I was doing it. I was side-stepping, grabbing a hold of any branch, rock, or vine I could to give myself a bit more balance as I continued down.

I was in action, so my heart wasn’t in my throat any longer and I didn’t feel like I was on the verge of a panic attack. I’d jumped, quite literally, and there was no going back. Not without Jesse beside me.

My old boots didn’t look anything like hiking boots, but they worked like champs on the muddy, steep, and uneven terrain. It was a bit surreal knowing a pair of black leather boots had saved me two different times in my life.

I was almost to the bottom of the ravine, not even a body length away, when I lost my foothold. The branch I’d been using as a support snapped, and I spent the last part of my descent rolling down the hill.

I groaned when I landed. The nice thing about the buckets of rain that had come down was that it had made the ground soft. Other than being a muddy mess and waking up to a few bruises in the morning, I was just fine.

I readjusted my headlamp and scanned the area. The ravine wasn’t much more than some scraggly bushes and rock, but it was enough to conceal a body. So I’d check around every bush, rock, and cranny in the whole damn ravine if that’s what it took. He was down there, I knew that. Just waiting for me to find him.

The thunder had died down almost entirely, so I held my head back and yelled his name over and over again as I searched.

No answer. No Jesse.

He was close, so close. I felt him, so why couldn’t he hear me? Why wasn’t he answering me? The only reason he wouldn’t answer was if . . . My stomach twisted into a knot.

No. I wouldn’t let myself think that. I wouldn’t think that.

He was there. He was fine.

I started moving faster, searching more frantically. I had just rounded one of the bigger shrubs I’d seen in the ravine when I tripped over something. I flew to the ground again, followed by another groan.

Scratch that: I would wake up to more than “just a few” bruises in the morning.

“Rowen?”

My heart about burst right out of my chest. I rolled over and sat up to see what I’d tripped over. Well, who I’d tripped over.

“Jesse!” I cried, crawling toward him. He was laying on the ground, his back propped up against a level rock. He was as muddy and drenched as I was and looked so beat up, my breath caught in my lungs.

“What in the hell are you doing out here?” he said, struggling to sit up. He winced, grabbed his ribs, and collapsed back down into his prior position.

“Are you all right?” I crawled closer and scanned his body for visible signs of damage.

“I’m fine,” he answered, shifting up again. That time, he made it, although from the look on his face, I would have thought someone just shoved a hot poker through his hand.

“Bull crap!” I said, noticing the way he favored his left arm. “What’s hurt?”

“Pretty sure I broke my arm.” He glanced at the arm he held carefully. “And a couple ribs.” My eyes shifted to his chest. I couldn’t see anything, but I could imagine the pain that came along with broken ribs. “And I’m going to need some stitches at the back of my head.”

I scurried behind him to inspect his head. Sure enough, dried blood matted his hair just below the crown. When I felt the stirrings of panic, I reminded myself I’d found him and that he was alive. Bones could be mended, wounds could be stitched. Jesse needed me. He needed me to be calm and clear headed for the both of us.

It went against everything I knew, but I fought the panic. Inspecting his head wound to make sure it wasn’t leaking enough fresh blood to be concerning, I came around to his side again. His breathing was a little fast and his color was a couple shades lighter than normal, but otherwise, his injuries didn’t seem life-threatening.

“What are you doing out here, Rowen?” he asked, inspecting my body like I’d just done his.

“I came to find you,” I answered as I wiped the mud from his face with the back of my hand.

“How did you get down here?”

I swallowed and pointed up the cliff face.

His expression went pretty much exactly how I thought it would go: flabbergasted with a trace of outraged. “You realize that’s called Suicide Ridge for a reason, right?”

I crossed my arms and sat up on my heels. I wasn’t there to argue with him. “Do you?”

“Yeah, I do. That’s why I take it seriously when I travel it,” he replied. I couldn’t stop staring at the way his right arm cradled his left arm.

“And you call it ‘taking it seriously’ when you decided to travel it in the middle of the night during the storm of the century?” Why was I still arguing with him? Really, all I’d wanted to do since I’d stumbled over him was kiss him hard on the mouth and cuddle close until help came.

“It is when you see the calf everyone’s been looking for at the bottom of the ravine.” Jesse tilted his head toward the big shrub. I hadn’t noticed at first, but a tiny black calf was laying under the shelter of the bush. She was as wet and muddy as the rest of us but resting as peacefully as I’d ever seen an animal sleep.

“You broke your arm, your ribs, and your damn head to save a baby cow?” I said, waving my hands at the calf.

“I wasn’t planning on breaking anything when I climbed down to get her,” he said. “But the mud, my balance, and my feet had other plans.”

“What were you doing out here on your own in the first place? What were you thinking when you tried coming down that thing”—I waved at the steep wall in front of us—“in those boots?” I flailed at his feet next. “I have four-inch heels with better traction than those things!”

Jesse looked like he was fighting a grin. A second later, all humor left his face. “I am not answering another question until you tell me what you were thinking coming out here on your own. What you were thinking climbing down that thing in those things?” His pointed from the cliff to my boots. “And . . . and . . . how did you get here in the first place?”

I doubted my answer would put him any more at ease. “Sunny.” I shrugged.

Nope, it definitely didn’t put him at ease. It put him the opposite. “Sunny?!” He tried sitting up more, but he only made it a couple inches before grimacing.

“Would you lie back and take it easy?” I said. “Before you break or bust something else?”

He didn’t right away, but Jesse eventually settled back against the rock. I zipped out of the rain jacket and wadded it into a makeshift pillow.

“Rowen,” he said, shaking his head, “put that back on right now. Don’t be crazy.”

“Jesse,” I rolled my eyes and carefully stuffed it behind his head, “don’t you be crazy. And don’t tell me what to do.” I rested my hand on the side of his neck, and even in the cold of the night and with the rain coating our skin, I felt the heat charging through our touch.

“Anything else?” he asked as he settled into the raincoat pillow.

“Yeah,” I said, lowering my face over his. “Stop pretending like what I did was insane. Stop pretending you wouldn’t have done the exact same thing if our roles were reversed.”

Jesse’s good arm lifted and his hand cradled my face. “That it?”

“No.” I shook my head. “Stop pretending like you’re mad at me because you suck at it.”

A chuckle rushed out of his mouth. “I suppose I do.” His thumb skimmed my cheek and, just like every other touch shared with Jesse, I melted into it. “But, Rowen, the guys would have found me. It wouldn’t have taken them much longer. Why did you risk your life to find me first?”

A hundred reasons. A thousand explanations. I’d do it a million times over.

“I’m working on that whole healthy thing.”

Jesse mirrored the smile on my face. “How is almost killing yourself healthy?”

I glanced over my shoulder, then back at him. “Because I’m here with you now.”

“Is this the same girl who pushed me away, ran away, and was so hung up on the deserve-don’t-deserve thing?”

“It’s the same girl. It’s just the same girl who let a few wise words from a couple wise people set in. The same girl who let a few of her own realizations set in.” I lowered my forehead to his, shielding us both from the storm. “Because I love you, Jesse. I know that I will love you more than any other person in the world ever could. Because you were right. Deserving has nothing to do with loving someone. I’m grabbing hold of what I want and not looking back.”

Jesse’s eyes stared into mine and they were as light as I’d seen them. “That sounds like a person who’s gotten past her ‘deserve’ hang up.”

I smiled. “Well, even if I haven’t gotten all the way past it, I figured this whole saving your life thing was a step in the right direction.” Jesse laughed, then winced. Apparently broken ribs and laughter didn’t go well together. “So? Am I forgiven?”

“For being so careless with your life?” I felt his forehead wrinkle beneath mine. “No way.”

I rocked my head back and forth against his. “No. For being careless with yours.”

His eyes narrowed in contemplation as he murmured, “Hmm . . .”

Since he was working on making up his mind, I might as well help him. My lips dropped to his and rested in place. I wasn’t sure I’d ever feel his lips again, for more than one reason, and I planned on enjoying the moment. When staying unmoving against him any longer was impossible, I sucked his lower lip into my mouth and tasted the rain coating it. I repeated the rain tasting with his upper lip.

By that point, Jesse’s chest was rising and falling hard against me. As much as I wanted to kiss him until everything around us faded, the man all but panting below me had a couple of broken ribs. I pressed a final kiss to his mouth before leaning back.

“Okay,” Jesse breathed, polishing his thumb over my lips. “You’re forgiven.”

If only everything were so easily fixed. But maybe, with Jesse, a lot of things could be so simple.

A light suddenly shone brightly down on us, startling me. I’d been so lost in the moment I’d almost forgotten the situation. I shielded my eyes and twisted around. The light came from a ways up, probably from the ridge.

“Am I breaking anything up?” a voice hollered down at us. “I can come back in twenty minutes or so if you want.”

Jesse groaned and sat up again.

I stood up. “Garth? Is that you?”

The light shifted away from us. When it stopped, it shined on Garth’s face.

“Convinced?” He flashed the light back down on us. “Maybe we can get you both out of there now.”

“I’d rather spend the night out here than have Garth Black come save the day,” Jesse muttered.

I was about to elbow him in the ribs when I caught myself.

“Jesse’s arm and ribs are broken,” I yelled up. “What’s your brilliant plan for getting us up there from down here?”

“Thatta girl,” Jesse said, tilting his chin at me. “Give it right back to him.”

“Would you shush already?” I hissed back at him. “You’ve got to be the only person alive who would turn away help from a guy because you don’t like him.”

Jesse shot me an exasperated look, then exhaled. “Garth?” he yelled. “There’re three of us down here.”

“You found the calf?” Garth circled the light around until it landed on the still sleeping calf.

Jesse lifted a brow. “I found her.”

Garth’s chuckle rolled down the ridge toward us. “No one could ever accuse you of not putting your heart, soul, and body into your work, Walker!”

“Why don’t you stop talking and start working!” I shouted. “And your brilliant plan is . . .?”

I heard something swing through the air until it landed at my feet.

“A rope,” Garth answered. That ego of his was dripping in two words.

“Did you find a good anchor up there, Garth?” Jesse asked.

“As good an anchor as I’ll find. Now, I’m tired, I’m wet, and I’m ready to crawl into bed. So who’s climbing up first?”

“Jesse!” I shouted.

“Rowen!” Jesse yelled at the same time.

Garth chuckled again. “Shit. I’m not getting any sleep tonight after all.”

I spun around, my hands already on my hips. “I’m not arguing with you on this, Jesse. You’re going up first.”

“No, you need to go first, Rowen.” He cut me off before I could interrupt. “You don’t know how to tie a rope around that calf so we can get her up.”

“And you can get a rope tied around a calf with one hand?” I stared at the arm he was cradling.

“I could tie a calf with no hands,” he said. “I’ve been doing this for a while, you know?”

I exhaled my exasperation. He wasn’t seeing reason.

“So we’ll send the calf up first. Then you. Then me.”

Jesse stayed so calm. He stayed as calm as I didn’t. “And Garth’s going to be able to wrangle a calf up there on his own while he pulls the two of us up?”

I opened my mouth, then clamped it shut.

“You need to go first so you can hang on to the calf while Garth gets me up. That’s the only way we’re all getting out of here.”

“So we’ll leave the calf. Your dad and the rest of the guys will be here in a few hours and can get her then.” I couldn’t just leave Jesse down there alone. I couldn’t leave him.

Jesse’s eyes landed on the calf. She really couldn’t have looked more relaxed. She’d gotten separated from her mother, been lost in a storm, and had probably been terrified, but Jesse had found her. From the looks of it, that made everything all right.

“I can’t just leave her, Rowen.” His eyes shifted back to me. “I can’t abandon her.”

I knew I read more into those words than Jesse had intended, but I got it. I understood why he was the person he was. Why I’d fallen in love with him. Why he made me want to be the best person I could be. Jesse Walker didn’t abandon a person, or in this case, an animal, when it needed him.

“Okay,” I said. “We’ll do it your way.” The words were painful, but nonetheless, they were the right ones to say. “Are you sure you’ll be able to get up that thing in your condition?”

“My condition?” Jesse smirked at me. “Rowen, I’ve had so many broken bones, I’ve spent as much time in casts and splints as I have without them.”

I gave him an unamused look.

“I’m a cowboy, remember? I’ve got steel running through my veins.”

“And hippie in your heart,” I shot back.

“That’s right,” he said with a chuckle. “That’s why I need the rope.”

I was glad he thought the situation was amusing, because I sure as hell didn’t.

“I just qualified for the senior discount up here!” Garth yelled down at us. “Is anyone planning on coming up? This decade?”

Jesse lifted his eyebrows and waited for me.

I sighed. “I am!”

“Ready when you are, princess!” Garth replied. “I’ve been ready.”

Jesse hoisted himself up and came toward me. “Let’s get that rope around you and get out of here.” I grabbed the rope and handed it to him. “I’m ready to crawl into a warm bed with you.”

Jesse was right. He really could tie a rope one handed. “In case you’ve forgotten you have bones inside your body that are broken,” I said as he cinched the rope tight around my waist, “the only warm bed we’ll be cuddling in is a hospital bed.”

“Sounds perfect. Sign me up. You. Me. Bed. Whatever kind of bed.” He gave the rope one final check. “She’s ready, Garth!”

“It’s about damn time,” Garth said.

“Oh, and Black?” Jesse said, lifting his face up at the light. “I’m putting Rowen in your hands. I’m trusting you.” Jesse swallowed. “Take care of her, okay?”

Garth didn’t snap back with his standard smartass remark. Eventually, it sounded like he was clearing his throat before he said, “I’ll take care of her, Jess.”

My mouth dropped open and I gave Jesse a look. “Did you guys just have a moment?”

Jesse looked as confused as I did. “I don’t know. Maybe. I’ll figure it out later. Right now, I want you to focus on getting to the top of that ridge safely.”

“Hey,” I said, “I’ve got a rope.”

Jesse tried giving me a stern look. He sucked at that, too.

“See you at the top,” he said, grabbing my face with one hand before pressing his mouth to my forehead.

“See you there,” I replied. I turned to the muddy, rocky face I’d just come down and lifted a hand and foot to it.

“She’s coming up, Garth!” Jesse hollered.

“For real this time?” Garth threw back sarcastically before the rope went taut.

Then with the help of the rope, and my hands and feet aiding in the journey, I made it up the wall. I glanced back once at Jesse. He watched me without blinking, almost without breathing. As I moved higher and the dark swallowed him up, I stopped breathing, too.

In at least a fourth of the time it had taken me to get down, I crested over the ridge. I curled over the edge and hoisted myself higher.

“Whoa, boy,” Garth said, rushing around the side of his horse toward me. He kneeled in front of me and held out his hand. I took it and let him help me the rest of the way up.

We sat in the middle of the trail for a minute, catching our breaths. Garth tilted his head at me. “Good job, Rowen. Good job.”

I nodded, too breathless to reply.

“She’s up, Jess!” Garth shouted over the ridge. “She’s safe.”

He was a long way down, and there was a lot of space between us, but I could have sworn I heard him sigh in relief.

“Let’s get this back down there.” Garth worked the knot around my waist free before standing up and winding the rope between his elbow and hand. “Step back, Jess! The rope’s on its way down!” Garth glanced over at me, a small smirk in place. “Not that it would do much damage if it did clock him in the head.”

I swatted his arm and sighed. “Where’s your flashlight?” I asked, looking around for it. “I’ll hold it for you.”

Garth smiled at me sheepishly. “The batteries died.”

“The batteries died,” I repeated and crossed my arms. “And you don’t have any spares?”

He continued wrapping the rope around his arm. “I will next time.”

The “next time” better not involve Jesse and broken bones.

I clicked my headlamp back on. It didn’t produce near the amount of light Garth’s flashlight had, but it was better than pitch black. After Garth had circled the rope back up, he heaved it behind him before tossing it out over the ridge.

“Got it!” Jesse called up.

While Jesse tied up the calf, or while I guessed he was tying up the calf since I couldn’t see since someone’s batteries had died, I took a closer look at what Garth had rigged up. His big black horse was a little ways down the trail from us. The other end of the rope was tied to the saddle horn. From there, the rope was wrapped once around a young pine tree growing up the side of the ridge. It looked incredibly jimmy-rigged to me, but what did I know? For all I knew, that could be the way to pull both man and mammal up a steep dirt face.

“Where’s Sunny?” I’d wandered a good ways down in the ravine before I’d found Jesse, but I wasn’t sure if I’d wandered to the right or left of where I’d left Sunny.

Garth titled his head to the left. “A little that way,” he said, “but don’t worry. As soon as Jesse’s up here, that horse will be right here, practically panting and waving his tail at him. That damn horse thinks it’s a dog when it comes to Jesse.”

I studied Garth toeing the ledge, adjusting the rope just so. If I didn’t know better, I’d say he had a streak of hero running inside of him somewhere. “I have to say, you’re pretty much the last person I would have thought would come save the day,” I said.

Garth cracked his neck and continued examining the rope. “I’ve ridden this ridge dozens of times.”

“So it isn’t really Suicide Ridge?”

A corner of Garth’s mouth twitched. “Only at night during a torrential downpour.”

“Ah, fantastic,” I muttered. “I feel so much better.”

“Ready down here, Garth!” Jesse shouted.

“All right!” Garth headed toward his horse, then looked back at me. “You ever wondered if cows could fly?” He flashed a wink. “Well, you’re about to see it with your own eyes.”

“How about a little less talking and a little more working?” I called after him as I looked over the ledge. I couldn’t tell how long I had taken to get up the face, but I wanted to be ready for that little thing whenever it got there. I already heard it crying its little calf cry.

“Gid’ up, boy,” Garth said, clucking his tongue. The rope starting moving up the face, around the tree, and down the trail. The calf was really giving her vocal chords a workout. I wasn’t sure if she was bouncing her way along the side as the rope pulled her up, or if she was trying to climb, but either way, she didn’t sound very happy about the entire situation.

“I can see her!” I shouted at Garth. “She’s almost over the ledge.”

“As soon as she is, give me a shout!” Garth yelled back.

The calf was making so much noise I wanted to cover my ears, but as soon as I grabbed her and pulled her up onto the trail, she calmed.

“Stop!” I yelled.

The rope went slack, and Garth rushed toward us.

The calf wasn’t even struggling. Thank God, because she was a sturdy little thing, and I’d have my work cut out for me if she did decide to put up a fight.

“She’s safe, Jesse! I’ve got her! She’s safe!” And then, for reasons I wasn’t sure I’d ever understand, I started crying. Almost sobbing.

Garth couldn’t have looked more uncomfortable if he was wearing eyeliner and a tutu. After giving me a quick pat on the back and mumbling good job, he made quick work of untying the knots Jesse had fastened around the calf.

I sat in the trail, holding the calf, crying like the idiot I was, while Garth wrapped the rope around his arm again.

“All right. Two down. One more to go,” Garth said before leaning over the edge. “Rope’s coming down, Jess. If you don’t make it to the top of this thing quicker than your girlfriend and a baby cow, I’m never going to let you live it down.”

Jesse’s chuckle rolled up toward us.

“His arm’s broken, Garth. Not to mention his ribs, too,” I said, giving him a small scowl.

“So?” he said before tossing the rope over the side again. “He can take a few pain relievers when he gets back to the ranch. You’re not dealing with your wussy city boys, Rowen.”

“That’s right,” I said, rolling my eyes even though he had his back to me. “I forgot you all are invincible gods.”

Garth looked over his shoulder, “Nope, we’ve even better than that.” I could see his smile gleam. “We’re cowboys.”

“Set your timer!” Jesse hollered up. “Because I’m climbing!”

Garth gave another cluck of his tongue, and the rope snapped tight. I closed my eyes, held the calf tighter, and said a silent prayer. I’d never prayed before. I’d never known who to pray to. I didn’t know who I was praying to now, but I sensed someone was listening.

“Get ready for him, Rowen!” Garth shouted at me. “That crazy S.O.B. really is going for some kind of a record.”

My eyes snapped open and, sure enough, that rope was gliding up at least twice as fast as it had when the calf was coming up. I moved the once-again-asleep calf off of my lap, made sure she was tucked away from the ledge, then crawled toward it. Toward him.

Even in the dark, his white shirt cut right through the black. That, and his smile. He was climbing, using his legs and one arm in an odd looking but efficient way, toward me. His eyes locked on mine and his smile stretched.

A few seconds later, Jesse’s hand dug into the dirt over the ledge. I grabbed it, dug my heels into the ground, and pulled. Working together, we pulled him onto the trail.

“I’ve got him!” I called out to Garth, cradling Jesse to me. “I’ve got you,” I whispered before kissing the top of his head.

“Yeah,” he said, winding his arm around my waist, “you sure do.”

We rested that way for a minute, holding each other as we both regained our breaths.

“You found me, Rowen.” He lifted his head. His eyes were shiny. “You came and found me.”

I grabbed his hand and lifted it to my face. “Just returning the favor.”