Lost and Found

That next week, I tried not to think about Jesse, which was another way of saying I failed at not thinking about Jesse.

When I emerged from my monster “headache,” no one asked me any questions or suspected anything. Rose gave me a hug, said she was glad I felt better, and we got on with the day. It was such an odd concept to me: being trusted. People in my life just assumed that when I opened my mouth, a lie was about to come out. My mom had been the first one to take away the trust card, followed by teachers, counselors, friends . . . you name it. Most people in the past five years had found some reason to not trust me.

I wasn’t saying I was blameless in the whole denial of trust thing. Plenty of people had plenty of reasons to distrust me. What I’d grown tired of was everyone automatically assuming that because I’d done it before, I’d do it all the time. When people started expecting everything coming out of your mouth to be a lie, you just stopped trying.

But that’s not the way it was at Willow Springs. I was given the benefit of the doubt. I wasn’t labeled a liar because I’d been caught telling one. I wasn’t labeled a good many of the names I’d been called before. I was given a fresh start.

Maybe that’s why I made a vow to never tell another lie to another Walker. Or let one Walker lie to another Walker because of me. I wouldn’t repay their faith in me by disappointing them.

I didn’t know what the end of summer would bring, or what the kids at my new school would think of me when I showed up, but at Willow Springs, I was Rowen Sterling. Nothing else.

In one week’s time, I’d kept that vow. I hadn’t lied once to any of the Walkers, although I’d come close. Instead of answering Rose when she asked if I knew why Jesse had been so out of sorts the morning he’d left, I’d pretended my cell phone had just rung and dodged out the back door to take my imaginary call. Honesty through omission. It wasn’t the best case scenario, but it was a far cry from the worst.

Between chores and sleep, I spent my free time drawing. Anything. And everything. Rose’s hands as she kneaded bread dough in the morning, the hat wall beside the dining table, the girls picking strawberries, hell, I even sketched Old Bessie . . . I drew it all, but mostly, I drew Jesse. I never meant to, but halfway into my sketch, I’d realize his eyes were shining back at me, and even if I’d wanted to, I couldn’t scrap it and start again. So I finished those sketches, and then I had a book full of Jesse. It made the week without him pass a little faster.

It was Saturday night, and I was anxious about that for several reasons. One, because it was the night of the big dance and barbecue everyone had been talking about nonstop. Two, because it was the night Jesse was scheduled to come home. And three, because I didn’t want Rose to freak out when she saw what I’d done to her three daughters who were the very definition of natural beauty.

We’d been stowed away in Lily’s room for a couple of hours, spraying, swiping, and curling the heck out of each other. Well, I’d been doing the spraying, swiping, and curling. The girls, except for Clementine, had managed to sit still and endure it.

“Curly or straight?” I asked Lily once I finished powdering her nose and highlighting her brow bone.

Lily made a face as she considered it, trying not to smear her pale pink lipstick. She looked older but not offensively so. When Lily mentioned that morning she wasn’t super excited to go to the dance, I of course asked her why. She said she felt ordinary and overlooked whenever she went to one of those things. She said she didn’t feel like she fit in. After giving her a hug and telling her she should have her head examined, I suggested we turn her bedroom into a makeshift salon so I could give her a few makeup and hair tips.

Once Hyacinth and Clementine saw what we were up to, they refused to be left out. Clementine was easy, except for her bouncing around like a rabbit on speed. I curled her hair and let her slick on a coat of lip balm. Done. Hyacinth was a teenager, but just barely, so after doing her hair, I let her talk me into some mascara and lip gloss and prayed Rose or Neil wouldn’t skin me.

Since Lily was sixteen, I took a little more time with her eyes and added a touch of blush. I found myself chuckling a few times as I anguished over using a light hand with the girls’ makeup. I usually used the opposite with my own makeup.

Lily’s face flattened as she finally made up her mind. “Curly.”

I almost sighed. The Walker girls had some long, thick hair that took forever to curl.

“Rowen!” Clementine called to me as I grabbed the curling iron. “Will you put some of that eyeliner stuff on me, too?”

“I most certainly will not,” I replied as I wrapped the first chunk of Lily’s hair around the iron. “If you keep bouncing like that, those curls are going to bounce right out of your hair.” I tried to give her a stern look as she bounced on the end of Lily’s bed, but it didn’t work. Staring sternly at a little girl with perfect little ringlets bouncing up and down in a dress that was five sizes too big for her was impossible.

Her bouncing stopped immediately as she patted her hair to make sure those curls were still in place. “Lily!” We were less than ten feet away, but Clementine was big into shouting. “Can I pick out another dress to try on?”

Lily sighed. “Yes, just not the one I’m wearing tonight.”

“Yippee!” Clementine dive-bombed from the bed and rushed toward Lily’s closet where Hyacinth was looking for her own dress.

“Okay, I could smell the hairspray fumes and burning hair from the porch.” The door swung open and in stepped someone I hadn’t expected to see right that minute. The curling iron almost slipped from my hands.

“Jesse!” Clementine went from running to the closet to sprinting toward her brother. She tripped on the dress right as she made it to him, but he caught her before she crashed and burned.

After giving her a quick hug and greeting his other sisters, his eyes shifted to me. Everything about him seemed hesitant, unsure. I knew I mirrored the feeling.

“Hey,” he said, staying firmly planted in the doorway.

“Hey,” I said. My heart thundered to life with two lame words exchanged between us.

“How was your week?” His voice wasn’t quite cool, but it wasn’t warm either. It was almost . . . conventional. Maybe that was worse than cool.

“All right,” I said with a shrug. “How was your week?”

“All right.”

We had that repeating each other thing down.

“Don’t we look beee-u-teee-ful, Jesse?” Clementine asked, tugging on his hand to get his attention.

“Positively,” he replied with a smile. So he could still form one, just not for me. “Did a fairy godmother come wave her wand your way or something?”

“No, silly,” Clementine replied before her face wrinkled up. “Rowen? Are you a fairy godmother?”

“Definitely not,” I said.

“I don’t know about that,” Lily said as I moved on to the next chunk of hair. Three down, three hundred to go. “I think you’re working some magic in here.”

I made a face at Lily in the mirror. She didn’t need magic to make her any more beautiful than she already was.

“Are you going to the dance tonight?”

I had to look up to see who his question was directed at. Jesse was staring at me again.

I nodded. “Yep. I’ve got my dancing boots ready to go.” Could our conversation get any lamer? I didn’t want to answer that. “What about you?”

Jesse shrugged. “I don’t know. It was a long week, and I’m pretty tired. I might just lay low and catch up on some sleep.”

He got a trio of groans from the girls. I kept my own groan inside.

“Come on, Jesse. You always come to these things. If you don’t come, all the single girls will revolt,” Lily said.

“I’m sure the dance and everyone at it will get along just fine without me,” he said, glancing my way once more before slipping back outside the door.

“Keep lying to yourself, Jesse!” Hyacinth shouted after him. “You’re not fooling any of us!”

“He’s been acting so strange lately,” Lily mumbled.

“That’s because Jesse’s in love,” Hyacinth announced.

I choked on . . . nothing. Yep, I just choked on nothing.

After the three girls gave me strange looks, I kept my head down and focused on Lily’s hair, praying Jesse and love wouldn’t be mentioned in the same sentence again.

“He is not in love,” Lily said. “If he was, we’d know about it. Jesse can’t keep a secret like that to himself.”

“Just think about it, Lily,” Hyacinth said, marching toward us. “He’s acting strange, he’s all moody, he gets this strange look on his face all the time, and I caught him checking out bouquets of flowers last week when he took me to the store and thought I wasn’t looking. He’s definitely in love with somebody.”

Lily rolled her eyes. I was about to continue on with the lame conversation theme and ask about the weather when Hyacinth angled herself toward me.

“What about you, Rowen?” she said. “Do you know who Jesse’s in love with?”

That time, I did drop the curling iron. Thankfully, no skin or carpet was damaged.

“Oh, for crying out loud, Hyacinth. Quick acting like Nancy Drew and go get changed. There’s no mystery here. Jesse isn’t in love, and if he was, I’m sure you wouldn’t be the first he’d tell.”

Hyacinth wandered back over to the closet where Clementine had just emerged with yet another dress ten sizes too big. “Yeah, yeah, well, maybe he’s in love but doesn’t even know he is. You know?”

“You watch too many movies,” Lily said.

“And you don’t watch enough.”

After that, the conversation was kept to a minimum as the girls changed and I finished Lily’s hair. By then, Rose and Neil had already been hollering at them for the past ten minutes that the Suburban was leaving, so I helped Lily get zipped into her cotton summer dress, helped her pick out a pair of boots, and flew down the hall to my bedroom.

Josie was planning on picking me up, so I had a few minutes to spare but not many. I threw on one of my old dresses that wasn’t black or especially dramatic, pulled on the boots Jesse had gotten me, and ripped a brush through my hair. Instead of throwing my hair into the side French braid I lived in at Willow Springs, I kept it down. I wasn’t cooking or cleaning, so I could, literally, let my hair down.

I had just finished putting on my lipstick when I heard a truck pull into the driveway. I had the window open, and I would have been lying if I said it was to let the cool air in. I hoped it would let something else in. Even though I was just as confused as before about Jesse and me and what, if any, future we could have together, I did have some explaining to do. I had some apologizing to do as well.

I stuck my head out the window and waved at Josie so she wouldn’t blast the horn in case Jesse was upstairs resting. Knowing he could be a floor above me, asleep in bed, didn’t make me want to head downstairs and ride off with Josie, but I’d promised her.

She’d called again the night before to make sure I was still on for the dance, and a girl who went so far out of the way to be friends with me was someone I wouldn’t ditch in the eleventh hour.

Josie waved back, then made a Come on! motion with her hands.

Coming I mouthed before ducking back inside. I grabbed my purse and jogged out the door. Neil and Rose had left with the girls, so the house was a rare quiet and I didn’t even get ten seconds to enjoy it. Before I’d made it out of the living room, Josie’s truck started thumping with music.

My ears were already bleeding before I’d closed and locked the front door. If there was a God, I knew one thing: He’d been on vacation the day someone invented country music.

“Hey, girl!” Josie shouted at me from the driver’s side window.

“Hey, yourself!” I shouted back. Only because she wouldn’t have heard me otherwise. “Did you know that every time a country song is played, a cute little puppy keels over dead?” Again, I had to shout because Josie was really blaring the honky tonk.

And we still had the actual honky tonk to get to.

“Aww, that’s sweet,” Josie said, cranking down the music to a level where I could be relatively certain my eardrums wouldn’t burst. “Is our little girl making jokes about country music? I’ve never, ever heard one of those.” She rolled her eyes at me.

“You know what they say about jokes,” I said, bounding down the porch steps. “There’s a kernel of truth in every one.”

She gave me a look, then scanned my outfit. “Hot mama!” She was back to shouting again. “When you’re not wearing pants or those shredded legging thingies, a person can actually see you’ve got some killer legs.”

I stopped in the driveway, leaned over a bit, and scanned my legs. Nothing but a couple of knees and freckles.

“But, girl, do you have vampire in you or something? Because I’ve never seen skin that white.”

“This is tan.” I examined my arms. Yeah, they were at least a shade and a half darker than normal. I skirted around the front of her shiny truck and climbed up into the passenger seat.

“No, Rowen, this is tan.” Josie held her bare arm against mine. Sure enough, I looked see-through compared to her golden goodness.

“Two words, Josie,” I said, moving my arm from hers. “Skin. Cancer.”

She laughed as she hit the gas. And by hit the gas, I meant we hit forty before we’d made it out of the driveway. “Two words, Rowen,” she said, taking the corner the way she’d taken it last week. “Vitamin. D.”

I double-checked my seat belt. “D isn’t really a word. It’s a letter.”

“Oh, dear God!” Josie shouted out the window. “Get me to the honky tonk and get me there quick!”

“The way you drive . . .” I said, checking the speedometer. Yeah. We were going as fast as I felt we were. “You could be in Idaho ‘quick.’”

“I knew there was a reason I was drawn to you, Rowen,” Josie said as she skipped to the next song. The next one sounded exactly like the previous one that sounded like every single song ever sung in country music. “You have as wicked a sense of humor as me.”

“And here I thought it was because you loved those shredded legging thingies of mine.”

She tilted her head back and laughed loudly. Josie looked amazing, even more so than the night I’d met her at the rodeo. Some girls are pretty because they put a lot of work into it, and some girls are pretty when they wake up in the morning. Josie was in that second group. She had the glow that a beauty cream company would kill to replicate, and her hair was so shiny it looked like glass. She had on a short denim skirt, a floral sleeveless blouse, and a pair of candy-apple red boots. She’d be beating the guys away like flies.

Which made me wonder again what had happened between Jesse and Josie. Really, those two were the dream couple.

Before another song came to its twangy end, Josie pulled into a packed parking lot.

“The party’s hopping tonight,” she said, making her own parking spot in the front. Everywhere I looked, there were trucks. Big ones, little ones, old ones, new ones. Trucks, trucks, and more trucks. Maybe a few SUVs like the Walkers’, but there was not a single car to be seen. I didn’t know what those Montana people had against cars, but obviously gas mileage wasn’t a concern around there.

“You ready for this?” Josie unfastened her seatbelt and examined herself in the mirror.

“Nope,” I answered, swinging open my door. “But I promised you I’d let you be the one to pop my honky tonk cherry, so let’s get this thing over with.”

Josie shoved my arm before we leapt—I wondered if I should call for a footstool—out of her truck. “You city girls sure are crass.”

“And you country girls aren’t crass enough,” I threw back before slamming the door.

The boys were already tipping their hats, and a few were brazen enough to whistle, as Josie and I made our way to the entrance. And when I say they were whistling at us, I mean they were whistling at Josie.

She smiled, made flirty eyes with a few of them, and walked with a sway in her step. In short, she was a pro at the man-eating game. I didn’t sway, I more like clopped around, and I sure as heck didn’t make flirty eyes. I would have looked like I had a nervous tic if I even tried, I’m sure.

Since I had no idea what to expect from a honky tonk, I was neither surprised nor unsurprised when we walked through the door. I guess it was normally more of a bar, band, and dancing sort of place, but a few nights every year, they turned it into more of a family place and served some good food, good music, and a good time. At least that’s the way Rose had described it. I had yet to determine if there was a good time to be had or good food for that matter. I already knew the music would be a far cry from good.

“Josie Gibson! You’d better save me a dance, or I’m going home with a broken heart,” a good looking guy in a flashy shirt called over to her as we walked in. He was also the type of guy that knew he was good looking. I looked at Josie and stuck my index finger in my mouth.

She snickered and elbowed me. “No promises, Ben,” she said as we walked by. “And besides, don’t you have a girlfriend down in Boise?” She lifted her eyebrows and waited for an answer.

A sheepish smile and a shrug was all the answer she received.

“Men,” she groaned as she steered me through the crowd.

The place was bustling. People ranged in age from infancy to knocking-on-death’s-door. Everyone was talking, eating, or dancing. Everyone had a smile. Everyone appeared to be having a good time. Just like Rose had said, and from the looks of the fried chicken, baked beans, and potato salad stacked high on plates, it looked like the food was pretty darn good.

The music, as predicted, blew big time. A live band was going to town up on stage, but really, how many times could they sing about could’a, should’a, would’a, and a dog before people’s brains started to liquefy?

“You want something to eat?” Josie asked, motioning over to the food table.

My stomach grumbled. “We better before it’s all gone.” I’d learned at the ranch that if I didn’t have my butt in a chair within the first five minutes of mealtime, I wasn’t eating anything because nothing was left.

Josie and I made our way through the crowd toward the food. She seemed to know everybody and everybody knew her. In a town like that, I doubted there were any quick trips to the grocery store. Not when you passed a person you knew on every aisle. Josie grabbed a couple of plates and handed me one before making her way down the table.

“Who do we pay?” I asked as she dropped a drumstick on her plate.

She looked over at me like I’d grown a second head. “Nobody.”

I returned the two-headed look favor. “Wait. So the food’s free, there’s no entrance fee, and you don’t have to pay to park?”

“Free, free, and free,” she said, plopping a scoop of potato salad onto her plate. “This is a community deal, not a money-making venture.”

Whoa. I wasn’t in Kansas anymore. Or downtown Portland.

After I let that mental confusion bomb settle, I shook it off and helped myself to some home cooking. Some free home cooking.

We grabbed a couple of sodas from one of the big, ice-filled buckets then made our way toward what looked to be the only two free seats in the house. After saying hello to every single person we passed, Josie dropped into a chair. I plopped down beside her and cracked open my soda.

“Thanks for inviting me,” I said. “I know I’m a snarky pain in the ass, but it was nice to be invited to something.” I quickly took a sip of my soda and tried not to squirm.

“I like you, Rowen. You’re different. You’ve got . . .” Josie’s eyebrows came together for a moment. “Moxie. That’s it. You’ve got moxie.”

My jaw dropped a little. “Wow. Really?”

She nodded her head emphatically. “Absolutely. Total, unadulterated moxie.”

I didn’t have to fake my smile. “That is the coolest thing anyone’s ever said to me. Thank you.”

She shot me a thumbs up before biting into her drumstick.

I was still too touched by Josie’s unexpected compliment to eat, so when her eyes zeroed in on something across the room, I noticed right away. Whatever had caught her attention was also doing a good job of keeping it. She couldn’t seem to look away. Following her gaze, I understood why.

A tall cowboy in a straw hat and a white undershirt was surrounded by a flock of females. Even from my seat, I made out every curve and bend of his lips and remembered the way they’d felt against mine. Jesse’d made it. I didn’t know how long he’d been there, but once I knew he was there, I wasn’t sure I could look away.

It seemed like Josie was having the same problem.

“I wish I knew what was going on with him,” Josie said suddenly, sighing as she studied him. “I used to know everything going on in that head of his, but now I can’t seem to figure out one single thing.”

I cleared my throat and made myself look away from Jesse. It was hard to do, especially when one of those Jesse Walker fangirls rubbed her hand up and down his arm. “Why do you think something’s going on with him?” Luckily, I sounded more innocent than my question was.

Josie huffed and waved her hand at him. “Because Jesse doesn’t brood. He doesn’t stand cross-armed and straight-faced on the sidelines when there’s a dance floor in front of him. Jesse has never done that whole angsty, moody guy thing like he has been lately. Something’s gotten under his skin.” Her own eyes narrowed as fangirl number one made a double pass on Jesse’s bicep. “Or someone.”

I couldn’t agree or disagree with her for fear of Josie seeing right through me. I wasn’t sure how she’d take it if she knew Jesse and I’d had a few hot and heavy mouth-mashes. I didn’t want to chance an impromptu cat fight if she didn’t take it so well.

So what did I go with instead?

“What happened to you and Jesse? Why did you guys break up?” No points for steering the conversation into shallower water.

Josie sighed and looked away from him. Like it had suddenly become painful to look at him. “Cheating.”

“What?” I twisted in my seat and scooted closer. “He slept with somebody else?” The idea was . . . earth shattering.

“No.” Josie whipped her head from side to side. “I did.”

“What?” I repeated, stunned. The idea was, again, earth shattering.

A tear looked close to spilling from the corner of Josie’s eye, so I grabbed one of her hands and gave it a squeeze. She looked like she needed it.

“You don’t have to say anything else. I’m sorry I asked. I just . . . I never guessed that was what happened.” Cheating had never crossed my mind when I’d wondered at the reasons for their break up.

“Jesse was leaving town for the weekend,” she began, shifting in her seat. “He was going to some cattleman’s conference in Missoula the same weekend of my brother’s twenty-first birthday party. Jesse was sorry he couldn’t make it, but he asked one of his good friends to keep a close eye on me and make sure I didn’t get into too much trouble.” Josie paused and bit her lip. She was worrying the hell out of the hem of her denim skirt. The poor girl was a wreck. “I had a lot to drink that night, more than usual, but I knew Jesse’s friend would make sure I didn’t pass out on the bathroom floor or go home with some random guy.” The first tear fell down her cheek. I felt so badly for Josie I wanted to hug her. “Turns out I just went home with him instead.” She wiped her eyes and let her hair fall around her face. “When I woke up the next morning, I knew I’d ruined everything I had with Jesse. I couldn’t lie to him about what had happened, but I couldn’t find the courage to tell him either. So,” Josie’s head fell even more, “his friend told him.”

I wasn’t only hurting for Josie, but I was hurting for Jesse, too. He’d been betrayed by someone who loved him. I knew how that kind of pain felt. I knew how it left a scar behind. I knew how it changed a person.

“Oh, God, Josie,” I breathed, letting her squeeze the hell out of my hand. I couldn’t believe that there, at a honky tonk, I’d just had a girl pour her heart out to me about how she’d ripped out the heart of the man I cared for. It made the world seem very small. “Who was it? Which friend of Jesse’s?” I’d only met a handful, most were ranch hands, but I wanted a name. The next time I saw him, he was getting hot coffee poured into his lap.

Her eyes flicked to mine, and I knew her answer before she said it. “Garth Black.”

“Come again?” That was all I had. Garth Black and Josie Gibson. Getting it on. It just didn’t equate.

“I had sex with Garth Black and have regretted it every single day since.”

“And you lost Jesse.” That was what I’d mourn the most.

She nodded, her eyes automatically drifting back to him.

“Do you miss him?”

Another nod, but that time she made herself look away from Jesse. “Every night when I find myself still anticipating his call to say goodnight. Every time I go to one of these things and I realize I’m not going with a date. God, Rowen. I miss him when I brush my teeth.” Her gaze shifted from her lap to my eyes. They held a strength that hadn’t been there just moments before. “But I know Jesse and I will never be together again. There’s too much bad history between us now. So I can either spend the rest of my life missing him . . . or I can move on.”

“Move on?” From Jesse Walker? I edited out because if she knew how to “move on” from him, mountains could be moved and pigs could fly.

“Maybe not today. Or tomorrow. But someday,” she said. “I’m not going to waste my life longing for the guy-that-almost-was. I’m going to move on and find the guy-to-be.”

I knew she made it sound about a thousand times easier than it was, but for a young woman who’d lost a Jesse because she’d slept with a Garth, she had a good head on her shoulders.

“Okay, you don’t only give out life-changing moxie compliments, you also might be the most intelligent woman I’ve ever met,” I said, still dumbfounded. “You are officially my hero.”

Josie laughed, wiped the corners of her eyes one more time, and sat up straight. “Well, sometimes the lessons you learn remind you that you have to let your head run the show instead of your heart.”

And sometimes the opposite was true, as I was learning.

“I’m going to run outside for a few minutes and get some fresh air. I promised myself I wouldn’t cry tonight, and look at me.” Josie waved her hands at her face. She still looked pretty damn perfect. “You going to be all right on your own for a few?”

“I’ll be great,” I assured her. “As soon as I’m done with this feast, I’m going to get out there and bust a move.”

“Sure you are.” Josie rolled her eyes as she stood up.

“Don’t tempt me.”

“I’m not tempting you,” she said, propping a hand on her hip. Her eyes gleamed. “I’m daring you.”

“What? Are we in sixth grade?” I called after her.

She waved over her shoulder. “See you on the dance floor, Move Buster.”

I grumbled into my soda can before taking a drink. I’d never backed down from a dare, and I wouldn’t start. I’d be on that dance floor before little Miss Sixth Grade got her daring butt back in there.

I was going in for my crispy chicken wing when I felt the air around me charge, like an electric storm was rolling in. The hair on my arms rose when I looked up. From across the room, Jesse’s eyes had locked in on me and, from the tilt of his brow, I couldn’t quite make out if that was pain or confusion lining his forehead. My wing dropped to my plate, and the air, the noise, the people, everything was sucked out of the room as he continued to stare at me.

It was the stuff people talked about. The love-at-first-sight mumbo jumbo I’d rolled my eyes at. That wasn’t our “first sight,” but I felt a lot of that other thing swirling around in places that had felt empty for so long, I’d forgotten I had them.

When that same little arm pawer dropped her hand on his other arm, Jesse’s gaze shifted her way. Suddenly, I could breathe again. That was, until I watched her smile up at him, pop up on her tip toes to whisper in his ear, then raise her eyebrows at him. I was back to being unable to breathe. My claws were out that time.

I didn’t know that girl from the one sitting across from me at the table, but I hated her. Like, raw, unadulterated hate. All because she was touching, whispering, and smiling at the guy I wanted to be touching, whispering to, and smiling at.

She was in my place because I’d let Garth Black pour poison in my ears. I couldn’t even remember what he’d said, or why I’d been so sure I needed to stay away from Jesse. Right then, all I could think about was being close to Jesse.

I was out of my seat and weaving through the dance floor before I even knew I’d done it. He wasn’t watching me anymore, but I was watching him. I couldn’t look away, and the closer I got, the more impossible looking away became.

He noticed me right before I stopped in front of him. The tight circle of girls around him didn’t budge, so I not-so-gently shouldered my way through them.

“Plenty of single guys around, ladies. No need to suffocate this one.” Of course I knew what they knew: there were other guys, but there was only one Jesse Walker. I grunted when one of them threw an elbow into my side as I pushed by. Damn. Those chicks were out for blood. I should have worn my steel-toed boots. I would have if I’d known I’d be entering a combat zone.

Once I made it through the main swarm of girls, I squared myself in front of Jesse and the bicep petter. “Hey. You.” She hadn’t noticed me because she had eyes for nothing but Jesse’s muscles. “You rub his arm any longer, you’re going to wear the skin right off. Go find yourself another cowboy to pet. I need to talk to this one.”

When she finally did look at me, I saw those county girls could make the same vicious expressions as the urban girls I was used to. Mental note made.

“Jesse,” she said in a syrupy voice, “you know this . . .” her eyes ran down me, her nose wrinkling as she took me in, “this . . . thing?”

My fists balled at my sides. I reminded myself to take a slow breath. She wasn’t saying anything I hadn’t heard before. She wasn’t saying anywhere close to the worst I’d heard before. I was winding up for my comeback when a white shirt angled in front of me.

“Bye, Shelby.” Jesse’s voice was cold and his shoulders were tensed. He was a tower in front of me, but when Shelby huffed, I couldn’t resist peeking my head out from behind him.

“Bye, Shelby.” I made my voice as syrupy as it would go and gave her an exaggerated wave.

Another vicious look, but she kept walking. For the most part, the rest of her fellow Jesse worshippers followed her.

I almost smiled, but that brick wall of a back turned around and those eyes of his made the whole inhaling and exhaling thing difficult.

“You came,” I said, stepping back because being so close to Jesse made my head light. Logical thought process became next to impossible to attain.

He lifted a shoulder, but that was the only response he gave me. Was Jesse Walker giving me the silent treatment?

“Are you having a good time?” I tried next, taking another half step back because I could still smell that soapy, shampooy scent of him, and that was messing with my head, too.

He lifted the other shoulder.

So yeah. Jesse Walker was giving me the silent treatment. I was probably the only person who could claim that honor.

“Are you going to talk to me, Jesse? Or are you going to communicate with me with shrugs the rest of the summer?” Might as well get down to business. I didn’t know how long Josie would be gone, and I needed to talk to Jesse. I had to clear the thick air between us.

He caught himself in the middle of another shrug. With a sigh, he pinched the bridge of his nose and closed his eyes. “What do you want me to say, Rowen?” he asked, his voice tight. “I’ve been racking my head all damn week trying to figure out what to say to you when I saw you again, but I couldn’t think of anything. Obviously.” He wiggled his shoulder and gave me a small smile.

A small smile was a start. And he was communicating with me, real words and all. I’d take it. His gaze shifted, just over my shoulder, and those sky blue eyes went as black as they could go.

I didn’t need to look behind me. I knew a black felt hat was back there somewhere.

Jesse lifted his chin. “Garth’s over there if you want to dance with him.” I stepped back again from the ice in his tone.

“And what if I want to dance with you?” I said, managing to sound braver than I felt. “What if you do?” Still the ice, but I wouldn’t back down. I wouldn’t let him push me away so easily. I owed him an explanation, and I wasn’t leaving until he had it.

“Would you want to?” I asked. There was so much between the lines in that question, I almost winced just anticipating his answer.

“That depends.” His eyes continued to glare holes into the back or front of Garth. I wasn’t sure, and I wouldn’t look over my shoulder to find out. “Are you planning on having a little campout at Garth Black’s trailer tonight after you dance with me now?”

Bitter? Jealous? Those weren’t words I’d use to describe Jesse, but tonight, he seemed to be a little of both.

“Jesse. I’m sorry,” I said. “I let Garth get into my head. I let him remind me of all my fears and insecurities. I let him tell me what I deserved and what I didn’t deserve.” Shit. If I got any more vulnerable, I would turn into one gaping, bloody wound.

“Well, sorry, but I don’t let Garth Black decide what I do and don’t deserve. And you shouldn’t either.”

“I know,” I replied quietly. I could have gone into all the reasons I had. Why it was so easy to believe the Garth Blacks of the world. Why the bad was so much easier to believe than the good. Man, I could have gone into a day-long lecture on the special brand of screwed-up I was, but my apology wasn’t about me. It was about Jesse. It was about me hurting him and needing to make amends.

Jesse studied my face, like he was trying to remain objective about the whole thing but he failed. A long sigh followed. “What were you doing at Garth’s place that night anyways, Rowen? Why were you kissing the hell out of me that afternoon and snuggled into his lounge chair later that night?”

I could have cried from the pain in Jesse’s voice alone. From knowing that my actions had caused that level of hurt in him. Everything inside of me wanted to edit the truth. Everything inside of me wanted to appease him with a surface answer. Everything inside of me wanted to protect myself.

I flipped everything inside of myself off and sucked in a deep breath. “Because Garth Black isn’t able to break my heart.” I bit my lip and pressed on. “You are.” The ice in Jesse’s expression melted. His eyes softened. The wrinkles in his forehead smoothed. “I never have to worry about Garth hurting me, because I know he will. I know what to expect with him. I know he’ll screw up and leave me if I don’t leave him first. I don’t give him every piece of myself because I know what I’m getting into. I don’t know what I’m getting into with you, and if I give all of myself to you, you could break everything.” Was I really spilling my guts in a honky tonk with hundreds of people around? I took a quick scan of the area. Yeah. I sure was. “You make me feel too much, Jesse.” I crossed those few steps I’d put between us. “It freaks me out.”

There was almost a full minute of silence between us. Nothing but him studying me and me just letting him. A minute of silence after you drop that kind of deep stuff on a guy is basically an eternity.

Finally, Jesse’s mouth parted. “When you open yourself up to people, you let the bad in with the good. I can’t promise I won’t ever hurt you, Rowen. But it won’t be on purpose. I will never hurt you intentionally. I can promise you that.” Jesse’s hand dropped to my waist, but he didn’t draw me to him. He drew himself to me. “But if this is something we’re going to give a go, I need you to promise me the same. I need you to promise me you won’t go out of your way to push me away, or hurt me, or fall asleep on Garth Black’s lounge chair, when—not if—things get scary. I can tell you don’t want to let people in, that it scares you, but you need to let me in if we’re going to have a fighting chance. You can’t shove me away the moment you let me inside, as much as I know you’ll want to.” His fingers curved into my waist, and the warmth and strength in them made my eyelids heavy. “Don’t hurt me, Rowen,” he whispered in a way that tugged at any and every feeling I had for Jesse.

I knew letting him in would be like going against a strong current. I knew it wouldn’t feel natural, or be my first, second, or even third instinct, and I knew it would be a daily struggle to keep from running from Jesse when things got serious, when things got . . . scary, as he’d said.

But when I looked into those eyes of his that saw everything, those eyes that saw me, I knew the fight would be worth it. The struggle to let him in when I wanted to barricade the windows and lower the gates would be a battle I’d never regret fighting.

I inhaled. I exhaled. I wove my fingers through his where his hand still rested on my waist. I locked my gaze to his. “I won’t.”

It was a promise. A vow. A prayer. It thrilled me. It terrified me.

But what I noticed most was the warmth running through my body and into my veins. The feeling of peace that washed over me was nothing I’d ever felt before. The next thing that overwhelmed me?

The smile that lit up his face.

“I think you owe me a dance,” he said, sliding his other hand around my waist. We weren’t on the dance floor, nowhere close to it, but we could make our own little dance floor right there.

My hands settled over his chest, and I tried pressing closer. Apparently, we were as tight together as two people could get. “I owe you three.” I winked up at him.

“After this past week, I think you owe me more than that.” He tilted his hat back farther on his forehead.

“What did you have in mind?” I asked as we started swaying to the silence of one song ending and another beginning.

“I’ll think of something.” One corner of his mouth lifted higher than the other. “But why don’t you kiss me while I’m thinking?”

It was one of those moments that felt like it was more a scene pulled from a movie or a book. Boy and girl moving in for a kiss as the band breaks into a slow song . . . girl glances for the briefest moment over boy’s shoulder before she closes her eyes to taste his lips and sees . . .

The boy’s ex-girlfriend.

“Crap,” I whispered. Josie was watching the two of us with a blank expression. She didn’t look over-the-moon pissed or irreversibly hurt. She looked more like she couldn’t quite understand what she saw.

“What?” Jesse said, pulling back right before his mouth connected with mine. I could have been kissing him . . .

But I couldn’t do that in front of Josie, not with her watching like she was the most confused person in the room. I owed her an explanation, too. I’d owed a lot of those lately.

“Hold that thought.” I shot him a quick smile before winding around him.

“Rowen?” He grabbed my hand. “Did you just miss what I said a whole two minutes ago?”

I looked at him, confused.

“The whole you-can’t-run-away-when-things-get-serious thing.”

“Jesse, trust me, there’s nothing I’d rather be doing right now than kissing the hell out of you, but Josie just walked in and saw the two of us together, and . . . Well, she looked a little . . . shocked.”

Jesse’s forehead lined as he checked behind me. He sighed when he saw her. “You want me to go with you? Talk with her together?”

I shook my head. “I think it would be a more productive discussion if you weren’t present.”

He lifted a brow.

“You distract me too much, and if I’m going to explain to Josie what I’m doing with her ex-boyfriend and come out on the other side with her not hating me, I’m going to need all my mental faculties.”

He smirked at me.

“Wish me luck,” I said, giving his hand a squeeze before slipping free.

“Good luck,” I heard him say as I made my way to the still stunned Josie.

She didn’t run off or glare at me as I approached; she just continued glancing between me and Jesse like she was trying to accept something impossible to accept.

When I stopped in front of her, she didn’t look behind me again. I wasn’t sure if that was because Jesse had moved on, or because she couldn’t look at him anymore.

“You want to talk?” I glanced at the door.

She bobbed her head.

I led the way through the crowd, and she followed. The night had taken so many unexpected turns. Good ones, bad ones. Good, bad. Good with the bad. Just as Jesse had said. I had to accept the bad with the good because it’s inevitable.

I didn’t say anything until we were outside and out of range of anyone who would listen.

I spun around and couldn’t get the words out fast enough. “Josie, I am so, so sorry you just saw that.”

She stared at the ground and crossed her arms. “But you’re not sorry for falling for my ex-boyfriend?” Her voice wasn’t especially sharp, but the words hit me like it was.

I didn’t want to lie to her, but I couldn’t lie to myself. I couldn’t make it seem like some shallow infatuation. “No, I’m not sorry for falling for Jesse,” I said slowly. Josie’s face lined. “But I am sorry for hurting you in the process. I’m very sorry for that.”

She chewed something out on her lip for a moment. “Why didn’t you say anything to me?”

“Up until a few minutes ago, I didn’t know what to say. I knew I liked Jesse. I knew he used to like me. I just wasn’t sure if he still did.”

Josie’s eyes closed. “I saw the way he was looking at you, Rowen. The way he was touching you.” She exhaled and leaned into the truck beside her. “If you’re still not sure if he likes you or not, I can tell you with a hundred percent certainty that he does.”

My heart burst at her words. It broke at her words. Damn, that was a hard discussion to have with the ex-girlfriend of the boy who made my heart go boom-boom.

“I’m sorry,” I said, because I had nothing else. I’d say it all night long if that’s what she needed to hear.

“No, I know, and honestly . . . I’ve had my suspicions that something’s been going on between you two for a while now,” she said. “It sucks, but it’s like what I told you inside. I knew when Jesse and I split up, that was a permanent thing. I knew there was no chance of us making up and moving on together. I knew he’d wind up with someone else. I was surprised he wasn’t seeing anyone sooner, given the parade the single girls practically had when they found out we’d split.” She kicked the toe of her boot into the dirt and continued to stare holes into the ground. “I also knew it would break my heart when I saw him with another girl, no matter who that girl was.” She glanced up at me and managed to form a small smile. “I guess at least I can say I like the girl he fell for.”

Another heart breaking/bursting moment. Josie had just found Jesse and me an inch away from lip-locked, and there she was, two minutes later, admitting that it sucked to see, but at least I had her stamp of approval. Why did the first girl I’d wanted to be friends with in a long time have to be the ex-girlfriend of the boy I liked?

Ah, yes. Thank you, Fates, for the reminder: life was unfair. More times than it wasn’t.

I did something totally out of character, again, and wrapped my arms around her to give her the most sincere, awkward hug in the history of hugs. “I’d understand if you wanted to hate my guts. I’d even say I deserved it.”

Josie made a noise that sounded like part laugh, part sob, then hugged me back. Hard. We were talking the hardest hug in the history of hugs. “It would probably be easier if I hated your guts. It would be easier if I could hate Jesse’s, too. But I can’t.”

I felt a couple of tears drop down my shoulder. “So you’re saying you don’t want to hate my guts? Because I’d fully support your decision if you did.”

When she made that same noise again, it was more laugh than sob. “I’m sure. But if you break Jesse Walker’s heart the way I did, I promise I will happily hate your guts then.”

I’d hate my own guts, too.

“Deal,” I said. “Any pointers on how to keep from breaking said heart?”

She leaned back to look me in the eyes. Hers were red and teary, but they were serious like nothing else. “Yeah. Stay away from Garth Black. As far as you can stay away. That guy doesn’t have a soul.”

I nodded, but I wasn’t so sure I believed that last part. I was pretty sure Garth had a soul. He’d just chosen to bury it way down deep, the way I had for so long. The keeping my distance part I had no issue following. After what I had learned, I’d avoid Garth Black at all costs.

“Okay, so stay away from Garth,” I said, lifting my index finger. “Anything else?”

“Yeah.” She nodded. “Be good to him, Rowen. Jesse’s been through a lot. Don’t make him go through a lot more. He’s been through more in his nineteen years than most of us will go through in our lifetime.”

I pretended like I knew what she was talking about, but really, I didn’t. Jesse had the most idealistic life I’d stumbled across. Of course, I knew what we saw on the surface was just that: the top layer. There was so much more we never knew of other people, so much kept hidden beneath the surface.

Whatever Jesse’s past was, wherever his present led, one thing was certain: I wanted him in my future.





I pulled into Willow Springs a good four hours later. And not because I’d been making out in the parking lot of a honky tonk with Jesse Walker until we were both blue in the face, as I wished I would have been.

After Josie and I worked out what we needed to, she asked me if I wanted to get out of there, drive to the closest Dairy Queen, and gorge ourselves into an ice cream coma. I said yeah. Not because I wanted to do exactly that right then, but it was the right thing to do. Josie had been a friend to me when I needed one, and from the lost expression on her face, I could tell she needed a friend.

So I texted Jesse, letting him know I was going with Josie and asking if he’d take a rain check on that dance. He’d promptly replied, I’ll take a rain check on *three* dances. But who’s counting? Then Josie broke every traffic law in the state of Montana as we made our way to the Queen of Dairy.

A few hours, a couple of cherry-dipped cones, and one shared banana split later, we’d closed the place down. We’d talked. And talked. And talked some more. Surprisingly, Jesse’s name didn’t come up again after we’d gotten it out of our systems in the parking lot. We just talked about the stuff girls talk about. It had been a while since I’d had an intense session of “girl talk”, but it was . . . nice.

The Walkers’ Suburban was in the driveway, and all the lights were off inside the house. All the lights except for one. My stomach dropped when I saw the light streaming through Jesse’s window. Was he waiting up for me? Was he planning on “sneaking” back into my room? Was he still out and had just forgotten to turn out the light?

“The city girl and the country girl. B.F.F.s,” Josie said, interrupting my endless stream of questions. “Who would have thunk it?”

I smiled over at her. Other than crying off most of her mascara, the girl looked as stunning as she had at the start of the night. “I sure as hell wouldn’t have.”

“Yeah, me neither,” she said, “but I’m glad I gave the city girl a chance.”

I huffed and tried to look insulted. “I’m glad I gave the country girl a chance.”

“Yeah, yeah, get out of my truck already,” she teased, leaning over the steering wheel and looking up at the house. “It looks like a light through yonder window breaks.”

“Random Shakespeare pulls in everyday conversation?” I said, shooting her a thumbs up before climbing out of my seat. “I knew we were B.F.F.s for a reason.”

“Sweet dreams, Rowen,” she said, punching the accelerator the moment I closed the door.

I hurried up the stairs, and once I’d unlocked the door, I tried to open and close it as quietly as ancient-farmhouse-door possible. I really didn’t want to wake up the entire house. I wanted to see Jesse too badly. I had it so bad, if he didn’t climb his butt back down through my window within five minutes, I would climb my way up.

Once I was up the stairs, I knew I was almost in the clear. Just one long hallway to go, and I was golden. When I made it inside my room and closed the door, I did a mini-victory dance as I flicked the light on.

“Hi, Rowen.”

Holy heart attack. “Shit!” I hissed, dropping my purse on the floor. “I mean, shoot. What are you doing in here, Lily? You scared the”—she lifted her eyebrows at me—“poop out of me.” I lifted a hand to my chest to make sure my heart hadn’t exploded through my ribcage.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare the poop out of you.” She gave me the closest thing to a smirk Lily could make. “I heard you and Josie pull up, and I just wanted to tell you something real quick before you went to bed.”

Lily was in her nightgown, the makeup washed from her face, but the soft curls still draped down her back. “What did you want to tell me?” I asked as I walked over to the window to make sure it was still closed. The last thing I needed was for a half-naked Jesse to catapult through the window while his little sister was in my room. There would be no way to explain that.

“I just wanted to say thank you,” she said. “To say thank you for taking time to get me all dressed up and pretty this afternoon.”

“Lily, you’re pretty all the time. I just put some makeup on you and curled your hair.”

“Yeah, but I felt different.” She slid a chunk of curls behind her ear. “Almost like I was someone else.”

Crossing the room, I kneeled beside her where she sat on the edge of my bed. “Lily, don’t be someone else. Because I really like the person that you are.” I smiled up at her. “Don’t waste your time trying to be someone else. Just be the best you you can be.”

I saw the wheels turning in that sixteen-year-old brain of hers. I wasn’t much older than Lily, but I knew what wanting to be someone else was like. I knew what wanting to be anyone else was like. It was a huge waste. A person could try until they gave themselves an aneurism, but we can’t escape the soul and flesh we were given when we were born. The key was accepting that and getting on with your life.

I’d learned that lesson, but I hadn’t fully applied it yet. I was still working on the application part.

“I’m going to write that down in my journal,” Lily said ceremoniously. “Just be the best you you can be.”

“Sounds like a plan.” I stood up when she did.

She paused on her way to the door. “Is that what you do?”

There was the million dollar question. “Working on it,” I answered.

She nodded before heading out the door with a smile and a “Good night.”

Once I heard her bedroom door close, I did the same. I kicked off my boots and hurried to the window. I couldn’t get it open fast enough. Sticking my head out, I checked Jesse’s window. It was open, and the light was still on. I was just about to open my mouth to say his name when I realized five sets of ears might hear if any of them were light sleepers. So calling to him was out.

Maybe it wasn’t . . . My cell phone was a mere room length away. I could text him to get the heck down here, but then my eyes fell on the chimney. The one I’d been so sure he was certifiably insane to climb. Really, it wasn’t so bad. The cobblestones were big, and there were plenty of good foot and hand holds for a person to use to climb.

I felt alive tonight. I wanted to feel my heart in my throat. I wanted to feel adrenaline trickling into my veins. I wanted to be as alive as I felt. Plus, I really wanted to see the look on his face when I returned the favor of leaping into his window unexpectedly in the middle of the night.

My short, shift dress would make for easy climbing, and my boots were already off. I was as set to climb as I’d ever be. After sucking in a deep breath, I slid through the window until my legs dangled over the edge. My heart was halfway up my throat, and I hadn’t even set hand or foot to cobblestone.

Against every indication, I was a fairly practical girl. I knew that plan was not smart. I wasn’t an experienced climber, nor was I athletic, but I was also past the point of caring about what was smart. I just wanted to get inside of Jesse’s room.

If it wasn’t already documented somewhere, it needed to be: hormones had to be the leading cause of teenage injury.

The chimney was so close to my window I could touch it from where I sat on the window ledge, but the next part was the hardest. Giving up what was safe for what could be dangerous. Letting go of the known for the unknown was the scary part.

I closed my eyes, exhaled, gave myself an internal pep talk, then swung my leg over to the chimney.

My foot slid into a deep crevasse. One limb down, a mere three to go.

I exhaled again and reached out until my hand grabbed hold of a small stone. By that point, I was sweating, but I was halfway there and wouldn’t give up. I’d given up on so many things before; I wasn’t giving up tonight.

The next part, though, would be the hardest part. My left hand and foot were in place, but I couldn’t move my right hand or foot without moving both. Without leaving the safety of my perch. Before I could chicken out, I shook my right arm and leg to get the nerves out, then pivoted my core and swung both of them for the chimney.

I whimpered the next moment when I found myself hugging the chimney, all hands and feet in their own little nook or cranny. I’d done it. I’d taken the leap, and all that was left was the climb.

That part was easy. Hand, foot. Hand, foot. Slow and steady and, in what couldn’t have been more than a minute’s time, my head peeked into Jesse’s window. There was no sight of him, but the room was strangely shaped. I could only see a small portion of it from the window.

I tried to be quiet as I grabbed the windowsill and, with some creative maneuvering, I managed to crawl inside of his window noiselessly.

So it wasn’t exactly the grand entrance I’d wanted to make, but making it up that chimney without breaking my neck was the real performance. I took a few hesitant steps, still unable to see him. If I’d crawled up the whole way to find nothing but an empty room, I would not be a happy camper. The steep angles of the roof broke the attic up into a cluster of sharp angles and small spaces. The floors weren’t carpeted, just weathered, plank boards, and the walls weren’t drywalled, so insulation, wires, and cords were on display.

He might have only lived there for a few weeks, but the room was already permeated with his smell. The room wasn’t much, and I hadn’t even seen a bed yet, but I liked it already. It was clean, had plenty of character, and housed the guy I liked. That had the makings of possibly the best room in existence.

Two more steps deeper inside the room, and I saw him. My throat went dry at the same time my heart leapt higher than it had while I’d been out on that chimney. He was pacing at the side of his bed in the same pajamas he’d worn the night we spent together—which was more like saying he wore no pajamas—and looked like he was swishing something around in his mouth.

As soon as I took a step toward him, his head snapped up. When his eyes landed on me, they went soft for one moment before they went as wide as eyes could go.

He raised his arms at his sides, obviously a bit frantic, but he wasn’t saying much.

“I can’t read crazy hand signals,” I said, as he continued to wave at me, to the window, back to me. “Words are a safer bet.”

He gave me an exasperated look, lifted his finger, and gave a final swish of whatever was in his mouth before turning around and grabbing a cup. After setting the cup back on his dresser, he turned around. I noticed the plastic bottle of bright blue liquid beside the cup.

“Mouthwash?” I said, trying not to smile. “Someone wanting fresh breath for any particular reason?”

Jesse rushed by me and bee lined for the window. “Someone was wanting fresh breath for a very particular reason until a certain someone pulled a stunt that could have killed her.”

I was still smiling too much over the whole mouthwash thing to let his mood affect mine. “You mean the same stunt someone else performed a week ago that could have killed him?” I came up behind him and stopped when he was just out of arm’s reach. Given that he was wearing nothing but a pair of cut-off sweats, I didn’t trust myself to stop touching if I started.

“I’ve climbed that chimney a thousand different times, Rowen. That’s totally different.” He looked out the window again, and his body went more rigid.

“Well, I’m here now. Alive. In one piece.” I couldn’t pry my eyes from the deep seam running down his back. I wanted to trace it with my fingers. I wanted to taste it with my tongue . . .

I needed a sharp slap across the face and a cold shower. “So can we forget about how I got here and just enjoy that I am here?”

Jesse slipped his head back inside the window and turned to me slowly. His eyes were still anxious, but his mouth turned up just enough to let me know the worst of the storm had passed.

“You wouldn’t want that mouthwash to go to waste, would you?” I gave him a suggestive smile, and he took my suggestion. He crossed the distance between us until his chest was nearly right against mine. His hands moved into their favorite spot: at the curve of my waist, just above my hips.

“No, I wouldn’t want that,” he said, his eyes now clear. It was amazing how, with the right distraction, a girl could talk a guy back from the ledge every time.

“Well?” I said a few moments later. “Are you waiting for an invitation?”

And since he wasn’t moving fast enough, I clasped my hands around the back of his neck, lifted up on my toes, and brought my mouth to his.

“Sorry. I was waiting for an invitation,” he whispered in the space between our mouths.

I pressed my mouth to his. “Here it is,” I said when I pulled back.

Jesse’s eyes were still closed, but he smiled for a moment before he pulled me back to him. His hands tightened at my waist as our lips moved together. When our mouths parted and my tongue touched his, his hands tightened again. If he gripped me any harder, I’d pass out, so I gave him one last lingering kiss.

His eyes were still closed, and that smile had gone a little higher.

“Fresh mint?” I asked, still tasting the mint.

When he opened them, I saw how excited his eyes were. His pupils were dilated, and the irises were extra blue. “Spearmint.”

“Well, I approve whatever it is.” I couldn’t just taste him; I almost felt him. It made me want to actually feel him again.

“It seemed like you might have,” he said, looking smug.

“How was that for not ‘pushing you away’?” I lifted an eyebrow and grabbed hold of one of his hands.

“You were most definitely not pushing me away just now,” he said, staring at my mouth. “And I approve of that.”

I laughed and pulled him away from the window. The way he continued to stare at my mouth made everything from my waist down constrict. “I’m glad you approve because not pushing you away when you’re kissing me like that is really difficult for a girl to manage.”

He let me pull him along. I loved the sound of his bare feet padding along the old wooden boards. It was comforting, somehow.

“Why do you push people away, Rowen?” His voice was gentle, but of course the question hit me in anything but a gentle way.

I knew if Jesse and I would make it with any kind of duration, I needed to be honest about the dark pieces of my past I kept locked away. I knew the sooner, the better. If anyone could handle the demons of my past, it was Jesse.

I also knew that if Jesse had asked me the same question just weeks ago, I would have told him to go screw himself and made avoiding him a top priority. But a lot had changed in a few weeks.

I was starting to be honest with myself. I’d give him the same.

I came to a stop a few feet in front of his bed, nothing more than a mattress laid out in the middle of his room and covered with a couple blankets. For some reason, my eyes locked on his pillow. The place his head rested every night as he dreamed.

“I push people away because I don’t want them to see who I really am,” I started. Jesse padded closer until his chest was against my back. His arms wound around my stomach, and he held me close. “Because if people know the real me and still choose to walk away, I’m not sure I could really take that.” I focused on his pillow and the strong arms holding me tight. “So if anyone starts getting too close to figuring out that my act is a bunch of bullshit, I push them away before they can search for what’s hiding behind the B.S.” I paused to breathe and collect my next thought, but really, I’d just summed it all up. When that settled in—that I’d just bared my soul, my real soul, to Jesse Walker—I waited for the panic attack.

When he was quiet for a few more moments, I actually felt it coming on.

“I see the real you, Rowen,” he said at last, tucking his chin over my shoulder, “and I like who you are.”

I closed my eyes to keep the tears from forming. “I know you do, Jesse. Although I can’t figure out why the hell you do like me. Sometimes I think if you watched a movie of my life . . . The drinking. The drugs. The guys.” I swallowed the lump in my throat. I wouldn’t let the honesty run dry. “You’d run away screaming like everyone else has. You’d give up on me, too.”

After a moment, Jesse sighed. “I don’t know what to be more sad about. That you feel this why about yourself, or that you have so little faith in me you think I’d leave if I knew every last detail about your past.” His head shook against my shoulder. “Would you leave me if you were able to know everything about my past?” He didn’t give me a chance to reply. “I know enough, Rowen. I know the woman you are now. I don’t need to know every dirty secret to make up my mind.”

The theory of keeping my eyes closed to keep tears from forming was nice. It just wasn’t a factual theory. Jesse hadn’t even flinched at what I’d just said. He hadn’t run away screaming. He’d said some of the kindest things I’d heard. Words were just words, but not those ones. Jesse had proven those words before he’d said them. I’d just been blinded.

“I don’t deserve you, Jesse,” I whispered, never knowing anything more true. “There’s nothing I ever could do to deserve you.”

He bent his face into the curve of my neck. “We don’t deserve anything, Rowen. We don’t deserve punishment, we don’t deserve happiness, life owes us nothing. Realize that.” His voice wasn’t gentle anymore; it was as strong as I’d ever heard it. “So we have to take what we want because life sure as shit isn’t going to freely hand it over.” He kissed the skin just above my collar bone. “And I want you.”

I wasn’t sure if his words or his touch affected me more, but everything inside of me, the ice, the walls, the fences, everything I’d built to protect myself crumbled. “I’m a huge failure. But I want to be better. You make me want to be better. I know you might disagree, but I know you deserve better.” Oh, God. I was a runaway train. After years of keeping it all shut inside, it was flooding out of me. “But I love you.” And there it was. Most vulnerable feeling ever. “I love you so much it scares me.”

Jesse didn’t move, and again, he didn’t flinch. He just held me, almost like he knew I needed someone to help keep me together. “Are you done?”

It seemed the flood had come to an end, for the moment, so I nodded.

“Good,” he said, his breath warm against my neck. “Because I love you, too.”

The first tear I’d cried in a long, long time leaked out and rolled down my cheek. I’d associated crying with sadness, so I’d avoided it. I didn’t need tears to remind me of pain. I hadn’t expected them to come with happiness.

Happiness wasn’t exactly the right word, though. No word in my vocabulary bank quite worked. Whatever that emotion was, it was the best damn feeling I’d ever had. I wanted his love more than anyone’s . . . I had it.

I didn’t know how to respond with words, so I used my actions. Twisting in his arms, I looked into the face of the guy I loved. I didn’t wipe away my tears because, right then, I didn’t mind being vulnerable.

“Do I need another invitation if I want to kiss you again?”

“No. You pretty much get to kiss me whenever you want now,” I said, forming my hands over the grooves of his shoulders.

“Good to know.”

Jesse might have been about to say something else, but he’d said everything he needed to. Everything.

He liked the real Rowen Sterling. He even liked the one I pretended to be. My past and all the dark parts of it didn’t matter to him. He loved me.

Oh, yeah. I felt the exact same way about him. In all regards.

Nothing more needed to be said.

My mouth crashed into his and took him by surprise. His shoulders tensed for the shortest moment. It took all of one heartbeat for my lips to melt his. Before long, I was struggling to match Jesse’s force and pace. He kissed me in long, hard pulls, literally leaving me breathless. His skin was hot and his shoulders rolled beneath my hands as his hands explored my body.

He kept to the “safe” areas: my arms, my back, my hips. After a minute of that, I wanted him touching me in the not-so-safe areas. I wanted it so bad, I grabbed his hand from the small of my back and slid it around to my stomach. Weaving my fingers through his, I guided his hand up. Past my navel, over my ribs, until it covered my breast.

Jesse’s shoulders tensed again and his mouth slowed its pace against mine. He didn’t seem uncomfortable, just unsure. His touch was hesitant at first as his hand moved over me. I left my hand over his, encouraging him as his exploration shifted away from hesitancy.

When he didn’t obviously need any more help, my hand left his and wandered around his waist until my fingers slid over the deep groove running up the center of his back. It felt even better than it looked.

My other hand curved around him, joining the first in its careful inspection of his back. When Jesse’s tongue journeyed into my mouth, twisting with mine, my touch instinctually deepened. My nails dug into his back, clawing their way down until they reached the hem of his sweats.

Jesse groaned and pulled back. His smile went right back into place as his chest rose and fell quickly. “Are you doing this because I told you I love you, or do you just think I’m smokin’ hot and can’t help yourself?” As he inspected my face, his smile stretched higher. Whatever expression I wore had made him downright cocky. From the way I felt, I didn’t need to see a mirror to guess what my face looked like.

He had a right to be cocky. He unraveled the parts of me I was familiar with and the parts I’d never even known were there.

“Both,” I answered, pulling back just enough to do what I wanted to do next. I reached for the thin straps of my dress and slid each one from my shoulders. The best part of undressing while wearing a shift dress? Two straps moved a few inches over the shoulders, and the entire dress was in a bunch at my feet.

Jesse swallowed.

That made me smile. My fingers trembled over the clasp of my bra, but a couple seconds later, my bra joined the pile of clothes at my feet.

My nipples were already hard from what we’d just been doing, but they hardened more still with the anticipation of what was to come.

Jesse gulped.

I smiled again. I was turning into a smiling fool around him. When my thumbs hitched beneath my lace panties, Jesse’s mouth opened, but no words came out. Since I’d never known a guy yet to call “Uncle” at that point in the strip tease, I slid my panties down my hips and past my knees. Once they’d dropped to my ankles, I stepped out of them and away from the rest of my clothing.

Jesse’s eyes moved over me like his hands had at first, keeping to the safe zones, until they couldn’t seem to stay there any longer. His gaze lingered so long over certain areas, I almost started squirming. But I didn’t. I focused on his face, the wrinkles lining his forehead, his parted mouth breathing short, fast breaths, his eyes exploring me almost like he was worshipping me.

It was the most intimate moment Jesse and I had shared. And he had yet to touch me.

After a few more seconds, I took another step toward him. “So?” I lifted my hands at my sides.

Jesse rubbed his forehead, staring at me like he was afraid to blink for fear of missing something. His mouth opened, but nothing came out. Again. He closed it and tried again. Still nothing.

I’d struck the man mute.

His mouth moved open again, and finally he managed, “Speechless,” sounding as breathless as he looked. “Obviously.”

That look of sheer and utter surprise left his face when his eyes returned to mine. “Have I mentioned that I love you, Rowen Sterling?”

“Yeah, you did.” I needed him to touch me so badly it had become painful. “But you can say it as often as you like. I promise that I’ll never get tired of hearing it.”

“Noted,” he said, moving toward me. His eyes never left mine, and between the emotion in them and the expression on his face, I was the one rendered speechless. When his hands curved over my lower back, they weren’t shaky the way mine were. His touch had a confidence and strength that made the whole area south of my navel tighten even more. His hands slid lower until his large hands covered my backside.

My heart was beating so damn hard it vibrated my ear drums.

“You’re so f*cking beautiful,” Jesse whispered just outside my ear.

I might have been in the heat of the moment, but his word choice still caught me by surprise. “Did you just say f*ck?” I’d heard barely a handful of curses come out of Jesse’s mouth and none of them had included the pinnacle of curse words.

“Yeah, that’s how damn adamant and passionate I am about how beautiful you are.” His expression was so serious I almost smiled.

“Well thanks,” I said, running my hands down his stomach. “I’ll take ‘f*cking beautiful’ as the highest form of praise.”

He kissed the corner of my mouth gently and squeezed my backside not so gently. My breath came out all ragged. “If there’s a higher form of praise, I don’t know it,” he whispered, moving to the other corner of my mouth. A gentle kiss and a not-so-gentle squeeze.

Oh, dear God. Ying and Yang really had it right when it came to intimate touch. Gentle, hard. Soft, rough.

Since I knew I was nearing the point of being struck temporarily mute myself, I moved my hands down until they reached the top of his sweats. I was close enough to feel him ready to go, but one layer of fabric separated us.

Not for long.

He didn’t say anything or try to stop me when I slid his shorts over his backside and let them drop to the ground.

Now Jesse’s ass . . . that was f*cking beautiful. I didn’t have to see it sans clothes to know that; I could tell from touch alone.

I pressed closer until I felt him hard against me. Breathing was becoming such a chore I needed to get horizontal before I passed out.

Jesse’s chest rose hard and fast against mine. “Just because I told you I loved you, Rowen, doesn’t mean I expect sex two minutes after.” He lifted his hand to my face and smoothed his thumb down my cheek. “I’m not one of those guys who expect sex in exchange for love.”

I kissed his palm. “I know that. Believe me, I know that. Even if you were one of those guys who expected sex in exchange for love, I’ve known plenty of others who expect it for much less.” The skin between his eyebrows came together, but his eyes stayed on mine. “I’m not going to have sex with you because I feel like I have to. I’m going to have sex with you because I want to.” I ran a finger down the line between his eyebrows, trying to erase it. “I appreciate you checking, but if you’re done playing the part of Mr. Chivalry, think you can hang up your moral high ground ways and rock my world?”

“I had to check,” he replied before kissing my forehead. “I will most certainly try to . . . rock your world . . . but what I might lack in experience and skill, I can make up for with persistence and lots of practice.” His smile curved up higher on one side. “Lots of practice.”

“I’m sure you’ve got plenty of skill, but I’m totally committed to the lots and lots of practice thing. Sounds good.” I winked at him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the mattress.

I loved how I was about to make love to the guy of my dreams on a mattress on the floor of a drafty old farmhouse attic. It wasn’t exactly the stuff fairy tales were made of, but it was my tale. And I’d never envy that Cinderella chick again.

“Before we get too comfortable,” I said, stopping at the edge of the mattress, “you better have your condoms handy. I won’t be able to take much more foreplay. Really. I’m close to going cross-eyed if we keep it up for much longer.”

Jesse’s face went a little deer-in-the-headlights. I’d known plenty of guys who weren’t big fans of condoms because they were Grade A Dickheads, but Jesse wasn’t close to one of those guys. I knew that wasn’t why he’d gone a little blank when I mentioned bagging his boy.

And then I realized another reason why his face might have dropped.

“Please tell me you’ve got a condom.” Really, fate wouldn’t be that mean, right?

He rubbed the back of his neck. Oh, hell no.

I’d been on the pill since I turned thirteen. Mom was convinced that if I wasn’t already, I would be getting it on soon. It was good to know that, at least once in my life, I’d lived up to her expectations. However, I adhered to the two forms of contraception rule for a lot of reasons. Even though Jesse was the closest by a landslide to the only exception, I couldn’t. For his sake, for my sake, for the potential glimmer in our eyes’ sake.

“Jesse?” I said slowly.

He lifted his index finger. He twisted around and inspected his room as if it was a black hole. “I’ve got a box in here . . . somewhere.”

I exhaled my relief.

He bee lined for his dresser, so I made myself comfortable on his mattress and enjoyed the view. My God. That ass . . .

He tore through the contents of the top drawer. Socks and undershirts parachuted to the floor. Apparently finding nothing, he moved on to the next drawer. Same thing, except for the jeans being tossed out of the drawer. He was frantically searching and I only let myself grin at his panic because he couldn’t see it.

One more drawer to go.

Jesse was the first guy I’d known who didn’t know exactly where his condoms were. Guys lived by them and died without them. Or at least their penises did. For Jesse to have no clue where his were led me to believe he was either absurdly absent-minded or hadn’t used them in a while.

Since he and Josie had broken up six months ago and he had moved rooms for me, I supposed Jesse could have forgotten where he kept his stash.

Rummaging through the third and final drawer, Jesse gave a victory cheer as he threw his hand up in the air. A box of condoms was clutched in his fist.

I sighed again in relief.

He headed back toward the mattress, a victorious smile on his face. I had a full-on, frontal view, so my gaze didn’t linger on his face.

“Exactly where I forgot I left them.” He shook the box and opened it.

Like, opened it for the first time.

Something I’d never once considered entered my mind. “Jesse?” I said, sitting up. I felt a little deer-in-the-headlights.

“Yeah?” he replied as he fumbled with the box.

“You’re not a”—I fumbled to get the word out—“ . . . virgin . . . are you?” Please, please, please say he wasn’t.

He stopped fumbling with the box. My stomach dropped.

“Define virgin,” he said slowly.

My hand covered my mouth. No way. No. Way.

“But you and Josie were together for so long . . .” I was sure I was missing something. “I mean, the two of you never . . . like never . . .”

He shook his head once. “Nope. We never . . or never had sex.”

There was only one question to ask. “Why?”

It wasn’t because I was judging him because of it; I just couldn’t conceive of it. The oldest virgin I’d ever met was a seventeen-year-old. Never would I have guessed the god in human form Jesse Walker, a nineteen-year-old all-man guy, would be one.

Jesse sat down on the edge of the mattress and dropped his hand over my knee. “Josie and I got together when we were young. In a small town where everyone knows everyone else, you don’t sleep with a girl you’re not intending to marry unless you want her dad coming after you with a shotgun. I wasn’t sure I was ready to make either kind of commitment to Josie back then, and after that, we just sort of kept with the same kind of routine when it came to the physical part of our relationship.” He lifted his shoulders. “I guess neither of us were ready to make that kind of commitment.”

Commitment and love. Sex as the added bonus. I wasn’t familiar with that equation. I had been so sure it was a bold-faced lie. Yet there it was, love, commitment, and the added bonus, sitting beside me.

Had anything I’d known of life up until that summer been true?

“Jesse,”—I rested my hand on his—“I’m not a virgin, you know. I haven’t been one in a long time.”

“I know.” He nodded.

I bit my lip and looked him in the eyes. “Are you sure you want your first time to be with me?” If I could have gone back in time and changed everything—said no to all the boys and waited for a night with Jesse Walker—I would have done it. I wouldn’t have needed a second to consider.

“Rowen—”

I shook my head. I didn’t want to talk around the topic or have him sugar-coat anything. I wanted the truth, cold and hard if that’s what it was.

“Are. You. Sure?”

Jesse scooted closer until his face was just a few inches from mine. Both of his hands moved to my face and those eyes of his blazed into mine. “I’m sure.” If the conviction in his words didn’t prove it, his expression did. “I love you, and I’m sure, Rowen. Now, why don’t you help me figure out how that whole rocking-your-world thing works?”

I grinned again. Frowning was impossible when Jesse beamed at me that way. “There’ll be a lot of hands-on coaching,” I said, leaning closer until I almost tasted the salt on his skin. “But I promise to return the favor.” When my mouth pressed into the base of his neck, Jesse’s skin erupted with goosebumps.

“I’m fully committed to this whole endeavor,” he said, his voice rough.

“Good,” I whispered against his skin. Grabbing hold of his arms, I drew him closer. “Then get over here and make love to me.”

Jesse shifted, and then he was pressing into me, laying me back onto the mattress. His arm wound around my back and the other traveled down my hip, winding around to my backside. His mouth covered mine as he lowered himself onto me. He didn’t crush all of his weight against me. I saw the strain in his shoulders from holding his weight.

His tongue played with the seam of my mouth, although I didn’t need much encouragement to grant him access. When my tongue touched his, he lowered the rest of himself on top of me, and the sigh I moaned into his mouth wasn’t quiet or short. His erection pressed hard into my stomach, and even though I could barely breathe with it there, I wanted it pressed hard into something else.

My hand left his back and felt around the mattress, searching for that little box.

I kept pace with his kissing in the midst of my search and almost cried out with joy when my fingers touched that box. I grabbed what I needed and ripped one free of the strip. I needed both hands to tear the wrapper open, but it didn’t take long. The whole time, Jesse’s hands, mouth, and body continued their pursuits. Each kiss brought me closer, each touch lifted me higher. When his hips flexed against mine, I let out another moan.

“Damn, Jesse,” I breathed, maneuvering my hands down where I needed them.

“What?”

“I need you to slow down and suit up or else I’m going to come before you even get a chance to lose your virginity.”

He was breathing so hard he was almost panting and his face was flushed. “Am I doing something wrong?”

“No,” I said instantly. “You’re doing something very, very right.”

That smug smile reappeared, and his hips flexed against mine again. Even if I’d wanted to, I couldn’t hold in the sound that slipped from my mouth.

He said, “I’ve only waited twenty years for this moment. I’ve been playing this whole thing out in my head for a while, so it’s good to know it’s working in real life.”

“It’s working,” I emphasized, right as my hand wrapped around him.

That smugness washed right off of his face. In fact, all emotion other than desire left his face.

I smoothed my hand down his entire length, then up, and repeated the process until I wasn’t so sure he would be able to hold himself back if I did it one more time.

“How was that?” I asked, rolling the condom into place.

“Speechless,” he panted, flexing into my hand as I finished with the condom.

I pressed a kiss into the bend of his neck as I guided him closer. Once he was right where he needed to be, I wrapped my legs around his hips and removed my hands.

A sheen of sweat covered his entire face and his chest was rising and falling so quickly, I wasn’t sure how he managed to get out words, but he did. “I love you.” He kissed me as sweetly as he’d ever kissed me before.

“I know,” I replied, running my hands down his face.

His hips flexed, and he moved inside of me. I cried out and curled my hands into his hair. He moved so slowly and carefully inside of me, almost like I was the virgin. When he was as deep inside as he could go, he trembled and lowered his mouth to my ear. He didn’t say anything. He just inhaled and exhaled, letting me keep pace with him.

“See?” I said, tightening my muscles around him. “Feels pretty damn great, doesn’t it?”

Jesse groaned when I squeezed him again. “It’s f*cking beautiful,” he breathed, and then he started moving inside of me.

I could tell he was trying to go slow, to take his time, but that wasn’t a favor I needed. So I lifted my hips and rocked against him at a quicker tempo until he’d caught my pace.

“It’s all right, Jesse,” I said. “You can come if you’re ready.”

“I’ve been about to come ever since you took your dress off. I’m just trying to live up to my end of the deal.”

“Believe me,” I said, fisting my hands deeper into his hair, “I’m there. I’m just waiting for you. Please don’t make me wait any longer.”

“Thank,” he panted, moving deep inside of me, “God.”

If I wasn’t so close to my climax, I would have laughed at the relief flooding his expression. Instead, I lifted my hips and moved against him, bringing us both closer.

“Rowen,” he sighed, and when he started groaning and moving inside of me like he couldn’t move fast enough, I knew he’d found his release. I followed him one moment later, and as my body fell apart around him, all I could do was repeat his name. Over and over. Until the only word I knew was his name.

Even after his orgasm had ripped through his body, he held his weight carefully above me. He didn’t collapse on top of me in a post-sex haze like I knew I would have if our positions had been reversed.

His breathing took a couple of minutes to even out and, as soon as it did, he lowered his mouth to my ear. “That was one hell of a dance.”