Lost and Found

My days at Willow Springs were spent working, and my nights were spent with Jesse in some room, or field, or barn, or . . . whatever we could find. The summer flew by. July was ending before I knew the month had begun.

It had been the best month of my life.

That was no exaggeration, no form of the melodrama Jesse still liked to say I was partial to. It was the truth. I had found an adoptive family by most definitions of the word; I was in love with the kind of man who seemed too good to be true; I had found a handful of girlfriends with the Walker sisters and Josie; I’d managed to steer clear of Garth and he of me; and mom had thankfully delayed her grand scheme of flying herself and her new boyfriend out for a little get-together. My dreams, for the first time in years, were back to color. I’d even squeezed in enough drawing time to fill an entire sketchbook.

If months got better than that July did, I couldn’t imagine it.

Plus, other than one night when Jesse had to camp out with the herd because one of the calves had gotten sick, we’d spent every night together. Some nights we did nothing more than talk until we fell asleep. Most nights we talked, then made love until we fell asleep. For being a virgin a month before, Jesse had meant it when he said he was committed to fine-tuning his sex skills. I’d be under-exaggerating if I said Jesse had mad skills in that department.

Neil and Rose might have given us the thumbs up in the dating department, but even Jesse hadn’t worked up the courage to tell them about us sleeping together every night. Thanks to a lock on my door and the unspoken rule that no one ever went into his attic room, no one had walked in on us unexpectedly.

I didn’t like omitting the truth with Neil and Rose, but I left that to Jesse. He knew his parents better than I did, and if he thought keeping our sleeping arrangements to ourselves for the time being was best, I was good with that.

After he’d described his parents as old-fashioned modernists, I couldn’t look at Rose and Neil the same way. Jesse said they might realize we were sleeping together and they would support us because we were both consenting adults, but they didn’t want to know it was happening a room or two above their bedrooms.

So July was legendary. The best on record.

And then August 1st rolled around.

I was busy in the garden picking early tomatoes when Rose came up to me with a stoic expression. Rose didn’t do stoic, so my heart was already thumping before she’d said a word. My mom had called her, probably because I’d been ignoring her calls all summer, to tell Rose that she and boy-toy had a rare three-day-weekend coming up and would fly in that Friday night.

She didn’t ask. Didn’t wait for Rose to run it by me. She dictated. She steam-rolled. Like she’d been doing all eighteen years of my life.

From Rose’s expression, I’d thought she’d come bearing the news of a loved one’s death, so I was relieved for all of one second when I realized no one had died. My mom was just coming to dinner with her boyfriend. My moment of relief shifted to panic.

I knew it was silly, but Willow Springs felt like my something special. It was my world free of her and her toxicity. I didn’t want to ruin things.

My mom wasn’t the issue as much as the storm we created when we were together. We might have both been a bit unstable on our own, but together? Things got downright volatile. I didn’t want Neil and Rose to witness that. I didn’t want Jesse to witness that.

I didn’t want to experience that either. Not anymore.

The summer had given me a new perspective. The lenses I’d been viewing life through for so long had been exchanged for a different set. A new lens that showed people as basically good and life as pretty damn great when I opened myself up to it.

I’d changed. Not entirely, but enough. A lot.

From Rose’s description of Mom’s call, I knew she hadn’t changed. So I had and she hadn’t. Would our relationship change? That was the question I couldn’t answer and one I really didn’t want to get to the bottom of over a steak dinner with the Walkers.

Too bad it was six o’clock on Friday night, minutes away from when Mom and Mr. Boyfriend would be pulling up. It was too late to call a time-out and cordon Mom and I off on our own little island so we could work out some serious shit I wasn’t sure could be worked out.

Jesse snuck up behind me where I fretted over the fruit salad. “For the millionth time, relax.” His hands lifted to my shoulders and his fingers pinched and rolled the muscles running down my neck and shoulders.

“For the millionth time,” I replied, closing my eyes. Jesse’s hands could work magic of all different kinds. “It’s easy for you to say, but you’ve never met my mom. I don’t think I’ve ever been relaxed around her.”

“Yeah, but are you relaxed around me?”

I gave up trying to layer the blueberries on top of the kiwi just right, dropped my head, and let Jesse’s fingers work. “Sometimes.” I pressed back into him to further explain.

He chuckled. “Right now are you relaxed around me?”

It was impossible not to be when he was massaging my neck. “Yes.”

“Good news then, Rowen. I’m going to be with you all night. I won’t leave your side, so anytime your mom starts making you feel all panicky, just take a hit of my ultra-relaxing aura.”

I smiled. “Ultra-relaxing aura, eh? And here I thought my boyfriend was a cowboy, not a hippie.”

“Cowboy’s in my blood, but my heart’s all hippie.” He kissed the back of my neck, right at my hairline, and wrapped his arms around me. “I love you. I’m here for you tonight. We’re all here for you tonight. Everything will be all right. And if it isn’t, I’ll fix it. Okay?”

I nodded and tilted my head toward his. “Okay.”

“Whatever happens tonight, it won’t change us, Rowen. It won’t change the way I feel about you.” He planted a soft kiss on my mouth. I was already more relaxed. Then he moved in for another one; that one wasn’t as soft or short.

What had I just been worried about?

“All right, you two. Rowen’s mom will be here any second, and I don’t want her to walk into the place and see you two lip-locked.” Rose grabbed the fruit bowl and attempted to give us both a maternal warning look. It didn’t really work because she capped her warning with a smile. “Let’s give her a few minutes before we tell her about you two. I don’t want her thinking the only thing you’ve been doing all summer is my son.”

Jesse coughed. My eyes bugged out.

Rose inspected our reaction for one moment before it clicked. She flushed and suddenly couldn’t make eye contact with either of us. “That came out wrong. All wrong.”

“You think, Mom?” Jesse teased, his voice a couple notes high.

She swatted his arm affectionately as she headed for the table. “You know what I meant.”

“I know what you meant, but you might not want to repeat those exact words when Rowen mom’s here,” Jesse said. “You know. In case she takes it the wrong way.”

“Since you’re so eager to hang out in the kitchen, why don’t you go mash those potatoes?” Rose settled the fruit salad on the table, then stood back to inspect the table. She’d really gone all out.

She’d cut a few mini-bouquets of flowers from her garden and arranged them in mason jars. She’d set out the country rose china set passed down from her mom and she had polished up the silverware set, too. We’d spent a good half of the day making dinner. After making a dinner of cold meatloaf sandwiches and potato salad for the guys and dropping it off at the bunkhouse, we’d slaved away making pie pastry, picking green beans, and peeling, coring, and slicing apples. The menu was simple country fare, but it had been created in the Walker kitchen, so it would be delicious, too.

“I love this new dress,” Jesse said, running his eyes down my body as he wandered over to the pot of potatoes. “Like really love it.” The inflection in his voice almost made me shiver in anticipation. How many hours until bedtime?

“I might have had a little help picking it out.” I shot him a smile as I went to the fridge to pull out some milk and butter. “I love that shirt of yours, too. Like really love it.”

Jesse lifted his arms and did a spin. “I might have had a little help picking it out.”

We’d gone into “town” shopping yesterday, and instead of picking out our own outfits, we decided to pick out each other’s. Since Jesse lived in his white tees, I found a plaid button-down shirt with those pearly looking snaps. I got it one size smaller than he typically wore for the added eye candy. I didn’t bother with picking out pants because Jesse’s everyday jeans could not be improved upon. That was a fact of life I’d come to accept. Add his boots, straw hat, and belt, and BOOM! He was every girl’s dream.

Once I’d grabbed the butter and milk, I headed over to where he was mashing away.

While I poured in the milk and dropped the stick of butter into the pot, he said, “No offense, Rowen, because this is one nice shirt, but I win in the picking clothes out for each other department. That dress is . . .” When Jesse’s eyes traveled back to me, his mashing came to a stop. The corners of his mouth lifted as he skimmed my body. “Well, that dress is something else. Something. Else.”

I glanced over at Rose before sneaking a quick kiss on his cheek. “You really do know how to pick out a dress. But don’t worry. I won’t tell anyone.”

“Thanks.” He laughed as he got back to mashing. “My reputation as the strapping, manly cowboy that I am would be forever tarnished.”

Jesse’s selection had surprised me. Although maybe it shouldn’t have. Instead of wandering the racks of one of the clothing stores specializing in western wear, Jesse had wandered into a funky consignment store. He claimed he got a contact high after being in there for only a half hour. He sifted through every last rack in the place before he found my dress. The dress.

It was a burgundy, no-frills dress that didn’t scream Look at me! Look at me! It was eery how Jesse had managed to find quite possibly the only dress in the history of dresses to blend both that punk, dark style I’d shown up in Willows Springs wearing with country flair. The dress was a little bipolar in the style department, but it worked.

I was pulling the salt down from the spice cabinet when the doorbell rang. I froze.

“They’re here!” Clementine announced from the living room.

Rose pulled her apron off. “Ready?” she asked, wrapping her arm around me like she knew I needed the support.

Would it matter if I answered honestly? I just nodded my head.

Jesse grabbed a towel to wipe his hands, but Rose put the masher he’d abandoned back in his hands. “Get those potatoes on the table,” she said. “Rowen and I can manage to open the door and escort a couple of guests inside the house by ourselves, I think.”

Without another word, Rose pulled me along.

Jesse’s eyebrows came together.

I’m okay, I mouthed. Really, I added when he didn’t look convinced.

He nodded once, then started mashing like a maniac.

From the sounds coming from the foyer, Clementine was struggling to get the door opened. Lily and Hyacinth rushed down the stairs, smoothing their hair and adjusting their shirts. Neil was just finishing up in the barn, and Rose had warned him if he wasn’t washed, presentable, and at the table by the time we sat down for dinner, he would sleep in the barn until winter.

Rose was one of the sweetest people out there, but I’d learned no one wanted to mess with her. The ranch hands listened to her better than they did Neil most of the time.

As we approached the door, I already felt Mom. I started worrying my eyebrow ring as I felt my steel gates and concrete walls begging to be raised. I felt my arms wanting to cross and my scowl wanting to form. I felt the little girl inside of me searching for the closest hiding spot.

Rose’s arm tightened around me, and then Lily moved up beside me. She gave me a reassuring smile and, just like that, I was back at Willow Springs. Safe. Loved. Trusted.

The doorbell went off again. I heard my mom’s drawn out sigh from the other side of the door.

Rose reached for the handle and pulled the door open.

There she was. Not a platinum strand of hair out of place. Not an article of clothing or accessory that wasn’t designer. Not a hint of a smile.

“Kate,” Rose greeted, opening her arms. “It’s been too darn long, and you look too darn good after twenty years.” When Rose’s arms wrapped around her, Mom went stiff as a board and her expression twisted as though the hug was almost painful.

After a moment, Mom forced something meant to be a smile and patted Rose’s back. “It’s amazing what a good surgeon and money can do these days to erase a couple of decades,” she said, practically breaking out of Rose’s hug.

“Well, the only good surgeons we have in these parts are the ones that work on animals,” Rose chuckled. “My beauty routine consists of a multi-vitamin and avoiding mirrors under overhead lighting.”

Mom inspected Rose with that fake smile I’d grown up with. When her eyes trailed down to Rose’s boots, I could tell it took everything inside of Mom to keep from cringing. For the millionth time that summer, I wondered what had brought those totally opposite people together in the first place. Or what had kept them connected, loosely as it might have been, for all of those years.

“And who are these lovely ladies?” Mom asked, moving on to the girls staggered around the door, after giving me a quick nod of acknowledgement.

“This is Lily, Hyacinth,” Rose motioned at each girl, “and the little one here is Clementine. Jesse’s in the kitchen finishing dinner, so you can meet him in a couple minutes.”

Mom nodded her acknowledgement at each girl, keeping the plastered-on smile in place as she inspected them like they were last season’s handbag.

Since she obviously wouldn’t make the first move, I beat down the urge to cross my arms and said, “Hey, Mom.”

“Rowen,” she said, the fake smile going faker. “I barely recognized you. It’s been so long since it hasn’t been dyed black, I’d forgotten what color your hair was.” Yeah, I’m sure forgetting the color of her only child’s hair was easy. “And, my oh my,”—her eyes skimmed down my dress to the boots Jesse had gotten me—“how lovely to see you in non-freak wear for once.” One wall went up before I knew it. “I don’t know how you managed it, Rose, but I owe you for showing my daughter the error of her fashion ways.”

Rose took a step back and hung her arm around my waist again. The small comfort in that brought me close to crying with relief. “I love Rowen’s sense of style. If I was younger and braver, I might sneak a couple things out of her dresser when she wasn’t looking.” Rose grinned over at me. “However, it’s better to keep as much skin covered by no-fuss clothing when you’re working on a ranch with a bunch of single men.”

Mom gave that shrill, choppy laugh of hers. “When Rowen’s concerned, it isn’t her virtue you need to worry about.”

Another wall went up and my arms crossed. I’d felt so strong, so sure of myself, just moments before she’d whisked through that door. She had me almost reverted back to that scared and confused girl I’d been weeks earlier.

Someone slid up beside me, grabbed my hand, and angled himself ever so slightly in front of me. “That’s a joke, right?” Jesse asked, making his greeting.

Mom’s eyes darted his way, and if a woman like her could get stars in her eyes, she got them. Her gaze drifted down his body in a way that made me feel territorial and icky all at once. “You can take it however you want.” She flashed her charming smile—which was also fake—and lifted her eyebrows.

Since Jesse didn’t look in the mood to make introductions, Rose stepped in. “Kate, this is my son Jesse.”

“Wonderful to meet you, Jesse.” Hearing her say his name made my stomach turn. Or was it the tone in which she said his name? Or was it the way her eyes dropped when she was done?

When she noticed my hand clasped in Jesse’s, Mom’s approving expression morphed into shock. “Oh, dear God. Rose, I am so sorry. If I had known Rowen would go after your boy, I would have never sent her here this summer.” Mom’s hand went to her chest and she shook her head. “I would have hoped she’d show better restraint when it came to hooking up with the son of one of my oldest and dearest friends.”

I didn’t need to hear anyone else talk about why I was all wrong for Jesse. I did enough of that on my own.

“Rowen didn’t pursue me,” Jesse said, his whole back going rigid. “I pursued her. And we are not ‘hooking up.’ We’re in love.”

“Oh, dear God,” Mom said again, practically cringing. “I am so, so sorry, Rose.”

Yeah, because a guy admitting he loved me was so much worse than one admitting he was just screwing me.

“What for?” Rose asked, resting a hand on Jesse’s arm. It was a gesture of comfort and stand down, I’ve got this. “She challenges him. He challenges her. They love each other. As far as young relationships go, we couldn’t be happier Jesse’s with a girl like Rowen.”

I doubted Mom would look so flabbergasted if she woke up the next day to find zombies stumbling down her driveway. “You’re all right with this?”

“Yes,” Rose replied. “These two have some good kismet. Don’t you think, Kate?”

“They’ve got . . . something,” Mom said, pursing her lips when she rechecked our connected hands.

“Where’s your plus one?” Rose asked, shifting the conversation.

“He’s still in the car on a business call,” Mom replied, rolling her eyes. “Can you believe that when we checked in at the rental center, they didn’t have a luxury option? The best they had was a mid-sized Dodge. I haven’t been in a mid-sized anything since I was in college.” Mom stepped inside and closed the door. Apparently “plus one” would be a while. “I don’t know how you do it out here in the sticks, Rose. I don’t think I could make it a day.”

“I don’t either,” I muttered as we filed into the kitchen.

“I heard that, Rowen,” she said over her shoulder. “Try to do something out-of-character and behave yourself tonight.”

So my answer to my question? It didn’t matter that I’d changed. She hadn’t. Our relationship hadn’t either.

“Out of respect for you, I’m going to try really hard to respect your mom,” Jesse whispered over to me, keeping my hand in his. “But if she keeps saying stuff like that, I’m not going to stay quiet.”

“Jesse—”

“No,” he interrupted, “I don’t care about her. I care about you. Because she’s your mom, I will try to tolerate her, but I won’t let her say those things to a person I love.”

His words, his touch, his presence . . . all of it helped relax me some.

“Where were you five years ago?” I said.

“Right here,” he answered, squeezing my hand. “I was right here.”

A bit more of that relaxation thing trickled into my veins. I could handle one dinner.

“Dinner smells amazing, Rose,” Mom announced as we entered the kitchen.

“Thank you. Rowen spent most of the day working on it,” Rose replied.

Mom chuckled and patted Rose’s back on her way to the table. “Getting in the way doesn’t count.”

Jesse was just opening his mouth and I was just getting ready to clamp my hand over it when Neil came through the back door.

“Washed up, cleaned up, and here a minute early,” he announced, plunking his hat on one of the pegs. “No barn detention for me.”

“Well if that isn’t the bastard who moved my best friend out to the middle of nowhere.”

Neil smiled his own version of her fake one. “So happy you were able to join us out here in the middle of nowhere, Kate.”

I caught Rose giving him a Watch it, buddy face.

“After all you and Rose have done for Rowen this summer? Of course I had to pay you all a visit,” Mom replied, sliding into a chair. “Rose swears up and down Rowen’s been a huge help around here, so I had to come see it with my own eyes.”

Neil took his time approaching the table, like he was putting it off for as long as he could. “I’m sorry to say it, but most of my hands don’t work as hard as Rowen does. We’ve been lucky to have her.”

The three girls sat on the opposite end of the table from my mom. Lily and Hyacinth just tried not to make eye contact with the swearing, blunt woman, but Clementine stared at her like Mom was a train wreck she couldn’t look away from.

Jesse led me to the seat next to Lily and he took the one across from my mom. Mom gave Jesse a once over that made me blush from embarrassment and from anger.

My eyes shifted to my perfectly imperfect fruit salad. “Oops,” I said, getting out of my chair. “I forgot the whipped cream.”

I had just pulled the bowl of whipped cream I’d whipped my tail off making earlier out of the fridge when I heard heavy footsteps lumbering into the kitchen. Nice of the boy-toy to make it in time for dinner. As soon as I glanced at Mom’s plus one, I froze. When his eyes slid my way and his mouth turned up into a familiar smile, the bowl slipped from my fingers.

Glass and whipped cream exploded at my feet, but that wasn’t enough to break my frozen stare. Only when Jesse rushed over and blocked my view of the guy still smiling at me could I move and breathe again. Rose tossed Jesse a handful of paper towels.

“I’m so sorry,” I said, inspecting the damage at my feet.

“Don’t worry about it,” Rose said. “Homemade whipped cream is my weak spot. My hips are thanking you right now, Rowen.”

I kneeled down beside Jesse. He was busy collecting the glass shards.

“What’s the matter?” he whispered, concerned.

What should I tell him? Should I tell him anything at all?

“I’m fine,” I went with, mopping up the whipped cream with the towels.

“Rowen—”

“Here’s a paper bag you can toss the glass and dirty towels into,” Rose said, kneeling down beside us.

With Rose in earshot, it was decided. I couldn’t say anything to Jesse.

Once we’d cleaned up the spill, Jesse picked up the bag and took it over to the garbage.

My mom had watched us clean up with a frown on her face. “Just let me know how much Rowen’s damaged this summer, and I’ll write you a check.”

“Other than a couple batches of burnt pancakes, that’s the only thing Rowen’s broken the whole time.” Neil grinned at me as I made my way back to the table. I avoided eye contact with mom’s boyfriend as he introduced himself to Rose and Neil.

I slid into my seat and hunkered down. I even closed my eyes for a few seconds, sure I would open them to discover I’d just been seeing things.

When I finally did open them to find the same man who’d just walked in sitting in the chair across from me, I knew it hadn’t been a hallucination.

“Hello there, Rowen,” the man said, unfolding his napkin and dropping it into his lap. “It sure is wonderful to see you again after all of these years.”

My hands trembled in my lap, and the only emotion I felt was helplessness.

“It’s nice to have you back after all of these years,” Mom said to him, leaning over and giving him a full on-the-lips kiss.

Neil cleared his throat. I wasn’t sure if he could tell I was uncomfortable or if a couple of adults practically making out at his dinner table made him uncomfortable, but at least it made them come up for air.

Jesse was washing his hands at the sink, and I had the worst urge to get up and go to him. To have him wrap me in his arms like he did so well and shelter me.

“Oh, so you all already know each other?” Rose came back to the table with a basket of rolls.

“We’ve got quite a bit of history,” he said. “Rowen, I must say you’ve turned into quite the young woman. When was the last time I saw you?” I couldn’t take the way he leered at me. I couldn’t take the way he smiled at me. I couldn’t take the way Mom gazed at him like he was something to be celebrated. “Thirteen, wasn’t it?” My legs trembled, too, as the string of memories played through my head. “I hope you can support your mom and me this time and not try to come between us.” His eyes changed then. They went dark. Dark like that day in my bedroom when he’d cornered the scared girl I was again. “I’m really hoping we’ll be able to pick up where we left off, Rowen. You and I always had a special kind of relationship.” He winked at me.

I was out of my chair before I knew I would run. In fact, I shoved back so hard in it, the chair toppled to the floor.

“Rowen?” Jesse said, coming toward me.

I was past the point of being calmed. I was long past the point where his presence or his touch could relax me. I had to run.

Run the way I had the last time I’d seen that man staring down at me.

As I rushed out of the kitchen, a few more Rowen!s were called after me. I even made out my mom’s irritated sigh over my mad dash for the front door.

I heard a heavy set of footsteps racing after me, and part of me wanted him to catch up. But another part of me wanted to get as far away from that kitchen as I could.

I’d just made it out the front door and was charging down the porch steps when a hand reached out and grabbed mine. A strong arm held my waist the next moment.

“Jesse, no!” I shouted, struggling against him. “Let me go! Just let me go!”

He pulled my body back into his and his face moved close to mine. “No,” he said, just outside of my ear. “I will not let you go. I’m not going to let you shut me out of this. I’m not allowing you to push me away.”

I slumped against him, sagging into his arms. I couldn’t hold myself up, but Jesse wouldn’t let me fall.

“Now tell me,” he said, almost rocking me back and forth. “What happened in there? What made you run out of there like you were being chased by a demon? What am I missing?”

I shook my head against him. If I told him, I couldn’t try to pretend the whole night had never happened. If I told him, I’d have to accept that my mom had done the unthinkable. And the unforgivable.

“Tell me,” he said, his voice quiet, yet strong in my ear. “Trust me, Rowen. Prove to me you trust me the way I trust you.”

Trust. Trust. What I’d lost, if I’d ever had it, from my own mother. What I’d found in the man holding me in such a way I could feel his love in his touch alone.

I couldn’t show him I didn’t trust him when he needed it most. We were at the place where trust was really made or broken.

“That man’s the one,” I said, my voice wavering. “He’s the one who . . . the one who . . .”

“The one who tried to rape you.” Jesse’s arms still held me to him, but his body started to quiver. Mine did too when he said the word I’d never allowed myself to admit. I didn’t apply the R word to what had happened to me because that was too much reality for me to handle. That was too much messed-up to repress.

It was the truth.

“Yes,” I admitted at last. I admitted to the guy I loved that the man sitting inside his family’s kitchen was the man who’d tried to rape me years ago.

Jesse’s entire body tensed, but he managed to rub my arms and keep the rage I felt brewing beneath his surface contained. I started crying. “Shhh, I’m here. You’re safe now. He can’t hurt you, Rowen. I won’t let him ever touch you again. It’s all right.” He kept repeating those words into my ear. Over and over until they started repeating in my head on their own.

After a minute of Jesse holding me and saying those words, I started to feel those words. I was safe. He wouldn’t ever touch me again. It was all right.

I was just about to the point I could hold my own weight if Jesse’s hold loosened when the screen door screeched open.

“Jesse?” Lily’s voice was small and unsure. “What’s going on?”

“Lily, I need you to do me a huge favor,” he said, setting me down onto the steps. “Grab one of those blankets up there and come hang out with Rowen for a few minutes, will you?”

I didn’t want him to leave me, but he’d given me just enough of a boost to know I could manage without him. He’d talked me back from the cliff, and I could keep backing away from it on my own.

Lily walked down the steps and sat beside me after handing a blanket to Jesse. Her face was full of concern when she looked at me. “Is everything all right?”

I wiped my eyes and tried on a smile for her as Jesse wrapped the blanket tightly around me. “It’s all right,” I assured her.

Jesse grabbed my face in his hands, kissed my forehead, then bounded up the stairs. “It’s about to be all right.”

The tone of his voice put me on high alert. “Jesse?” I called after him as he stormed through the screen door. “What are you doing?”

“Putting a piece of shit in his place,” he said, his voice murderous. “Lily, keep Rowen out here.”

Oh, crap. I tried standing up, but Lily clamped her hands down on my shoulders and kept me where I was. For a sweet, little thing, she had some serious strength. She shook her head when I looked at her with exasperation. “I don’t know what’s going on, but let Jesse take care of it. He usually knows what’s best.”

“And that ‘usually’ part is supposed to reassure me?”

Lily wrapped an arm around me and looked like she was about to say something else when the sound of a familiar voice caught both of our attentions.

“Get out,” Jesse demanded, his voice so loud it sounded like he was just a few feet away, not back in the kitchen. A few seconds of silence passed. “Get out of our f*cking house!”

I heard a few Jesses called out from Neil and Rose before the sound of a serious brawl came through the open kitchen window.

I tried shooting up in my seat again. Lily caught me and pulled me back down. “Lily!” I said frantically. “Let me go. I’m not going to let Jesse get hurt over me when I could go break this up.”

The sounds of glass breaking and things clattering to the floor, interlaced with the sounds of punches being thrown and followed by loud grunts, came next.

It sounded like everyone was shouting in the kitchen. Even Mom and the two youngest girls.

“Trust me. You don’t have to worry about Jesse in a fight,” she said, wincing when a particularly loud shattering sound came from the window. “I’d worry about the other guy.”

I could never find one scrap of worry for the other guy. Not in this lifetime.

The clattering and shattering came to a sudden stop right before the back door off the kitchen busted open. Jesse had Pierce by the hair and arm, dragged him down the steps, and down the driveway. Neil and Rose charged out the door right after, followed by Mom and the girls. All Pierce could do was stumble along and try to stay upright. His suit was rumpled, his dress shirt stained with food and blood, and he’d be sporting a couple of black eyes for the next few weeks.

Other than enraged, Jesse didn’t look like he’d just been in a fist fight. As they passed us, Jesse stopped and lifted Pierce’s head so he looked my direction. “I want you to look her in the eyes. And I want you to apologize.”

Pierce was scared. Frightened. Like he was the one who’d been thrown to the ground and hovered over. “I’m sorry.”

I didn’t say anything. I forced myself to look at him so I’d remember him that way: scared, beaten, and repentant.

“I want you to swear that you will never, ever come anywhere around her again,” Jesse seethed. “Ever! Because if you thought the beating you took tonight was bad, just you come within a state of her again and I’ll show you bad.”

When Pierce stalled, Jesse drove a fist into his side. Lily and I covered our mouths. Neil moved closer, lifting his hands. “Easy, son. You’ve taught him a lesson. It doesn’t need to go any further.”

“It’s going to go plenty further if he doesn’t swear he’ll never show his face around Rowen again!” Jesse shouted.

“I swear it,” Pierce said instantly. “I swear I’ll stay away from her. She’ll never see my face again.”

Jesse released him and shoved him down the driveway. “Now get the hell off of our ranch.”

Once Pierce lifted himself from the ground, he fumbled in his pocket for the keys and hurried for the car. Mom broke away from Rose and the girls and marched up to Jesse like she was about to slap him.

That got me off of the steps. Lunging toward Jesse, I pivoted in front of Mom and caught her hand mid-air. Instead, she lifted her other hand and slapped me hard across the cheek. I whimpered, and Jesse pulled me out of reach and threw himself in front of me.

“Rose was wrong. You haven’t changed. And you never will,” Mom said.

The words hit me like another slap to the face.

“Neither will you,” I replied, moving up beside Jesse. His arm pressed out in front of me, blocking my way. I wasn’t sure if it was because he didn’t trust what my mom would do to me or what I’d do to her.

Neil, Rose, and the girls huddled off to the side, watching the whole scene with confusion and sadness. They didn’t need to know what was going on to realize something was extremely wrong.

By that time, Pierce had crawled inside the car and was blasting the horn.

“Rowen. Get in the car,” Mom demanded, grabbing for my wrist. I swiped it away, and Jesse blocked my mom when she tried again. “You are leaving with us right now, young lady. I don’t want you staying with these people another second longer.”

My blood boiled when I realized my mom wanted to take away the one good thing I had going in my life: that place and those people. “These people?” I said, crossing my arms and glaring at her. “The kind of people who love me? You know, the unconditional kind? Oh, wait. Never mind, you’re not familiar with that kind.” I shook my head and stepped toward her. I wasn’t backing away. I wasn’t running away from her. I was standing up to her at last. “The kind of people who trust me? The kind of people who would actually believe their daughters if they ever told them they were almost molested?” From behind us, I heard Rose gasp. “The kind of people who wouldn’t bring that same man back into their lives years later and expect everything to be all right? Are those the kind of people you’re really so concerned about leaving me with? Because from my point of view, you and your boyfriend are the most concerning people I could ever be around.”

I was venting years of baggage, years of frustration, and it felt freeing in a way I’d only dreamed of.

“You stay here,” Mom replied, her face every shade of pissed, “kiss art school goodbye.”

My dream. The whole reason I’d sucked it up and gone to Willow Springs in the first place. “Bye, mom.”

Her eyes flashed onyx before she spun around and marched toward the car. As she swung the passenger side door open, she said, “Goodbye, Rowen. Have a nice life.”

“I will,” I whispered as they peeled out of the driveway. Mom never looked my way again.

Jesse draped his arms around me and pulled me close. “Rowen, I’m so sorry, baby. I’m so damn sorry you had to go through that.”

I nodded into his shirt, feeling a couple of tears about to leak out. “Are you all right?” I pulled back so I could examine his face. His hair was a little rumpled, but that was the only sign he’d been in a fight.

“He never even landed a punch,” he answered, running his thumbs under my eyes to wipe the tears away. “I’m just fine.”

“Sweetheart,” Rose said, tears streaming down her face as she approached us. “Oh, my sweet, sweet angel. I didn’t know. I never would have let them come if I’d known—”

I shook my head. “I didn’t even know until he walked into the kitchen. I’ll be fine. Really.” No one, least of all Jesse, looked convinced. “If you all don’t mind, I just need a moment.” I walked away. As Jesse started following me, I clarified, “Alone. To sort a few things out.”

Jesse’s forehead lined, and Rose looked like she was fighting her instinct to wrap me in her arms.

“I’m fine,” I said before turning around and heading for the barn. I didn’t want to go back into the house to witness the mess I’d inadvertently been responsible for, so the barn would have to do.

I jogged inside and checked once over my shoulder to make sure no one followed me. Everyone was filing back into the house. Except for Jesse. He camped out on the porch steps, watching me like he was fighting his instinct to come after me. But he did as I asked and stayed.

I wandered down the row of stalls until I found a clean, empty one with a few bales of straw. It looked like the perfect place to “have a moment” and let everything that had just happened catch up with me.

A few of the horses in the nearby stalls whinnied a welcome, but, other than that, the barn was silent. I dropped down on one of the bales and leaned my back into the stall wall. The thought that kept bursting to the forefront of my mind was how hard I’d worked all summer to make myself better, how I’d actually succeeded, and my mom saw nothing but the troubled juvenile delinquent she’d always seen in me. I knew I could never do anything that would impress her, never do anything to earn her unconditional love and respect.

I’d have to learn to accept that, but I wasn’t sure if I could ever make peace with it. Could a person ever truly heal from that kind of a wound? Only time would tell.

The next thing that worked its way to the front of my mind had me lifting my legs up to my chest and curling into an upright ball. It was a thought, or a realization, or a damned epiphany that I didn’t want to have, but I had it nonetheless. No matter how hard I worked to overcome that troubled girl I’d been, she’d always be hiding just below the surface, ready to pop out when something set her free.

That person I’d been for so long was not removable. She was a part of me. Forever. That girl could rise to the surface before I could stop her. She’d push people away before they got too close, hurt them before they could hurt me. I couldn’t allow myself to be the toxic person to Jesse that my mom was to me. I couldn’t poison his life the way she had mine.

I’d made myself into a better person, I knew that, but no matter how hard or long I worked, I couldn’t risk that dark side of me striking out when I least expected it. I loved Jesse too much to put him through the pain or chaos of my life.

Who knows how much time had passed, but the longer I was alone, the darker my thoughts got. The farther down that trail they went. Only when a hesitant body slipped inside the stall did a ray of light cut through my blackness. Cut through, but didn’t remove it.

“Did I give you a long enough moment?” Jesse asked, standing in the doorway of the stall like he was waiting for an invitation. “Because I can give you more time if you want.” He hitched his thumb over his shoulder.

“Come on in,” I said, patting the bale beside me and scooting over. “I’ve had more than enough moments to think.”

“How are you doing?” he asked, taking a seat next to me. “Wait. That was a stupid question.” Jesse shook his head and looked at a loss for words. “What’s been going through your mind? Besides everything?”

I gave him a small smile. “Besides everything? I suppose realizing the worst part of the night wasn’t Pierce showing up.” I played with a piece of straw. Jesse shifted closer and draped his arm around my shoulders. “The worst part was that my mom invited him here.” Jesse stared at the ground and nodded. “What Pierce did was not right, I’m not excusing that, but he was basically a stranger who had no interest in my life. My mom . . . She’s my mother. She’s the person who’s supposed to love me first, and last, and best. She’s the person who’s supposed to fight with her life to keep scumbags like Pierce out of her child’s life. She’s supposed to . . .” I had to swallow to get the word out, “care.”

“I’m sorry,” he whispered, kissing my temple.

“I just don’t get it, Jesse. It’s so goddamned unfair. Why? Why does my mother hate me? Why do I feel like the biggest screw up when I’m around her? Why, after everything, do I still want her to look at me and say she’s proud of me and give me a honest to goodness hug?” Another set of tears dripped their way down my face. “I’ve got so many ‘whys’ I’ll never have answered, they’ll probably drive me insane.”

Jesse waited for me to catch my breath and dry my tears before he responded. I was so exhausted, I just sank into his arms and rested.

“We’ve all got questions. We’ve all got dark parts of us that we wonder how they got there,” he said slowly. “We all, at times, feel like the positively most screwed up person to have ever walked the planet. But you know what, Rowen? We don’t always need to know the answers. We shouldn’t get hung up on the questions we can’t answer because life, by definition, is confusing. We’re never going to have all the answers. Never. We should focus on the questions we can answer and make peace with the ones we can’t.”

It was a lovely thought and it would have looked great on an inspirational poster, but Jesse’s life was so very different from mine. His questions he couldn’t answer were easy to move past because they didn’t consume him the way mine did me.

“Jesse, I love you and I love those things you just said, but how could you even think you could compare the questions I have from my f*cked up life to the questions that have cropped up during your next-to-perfect life?” I knew Jesse had experienced pain and heartache, every human did, but there was pain and there was PAIN.

Jesse let out a long sigh. “I know my life seems idyllic, Rowen. I know you probably think I’m an idiot for drawing a parallel between your life and mine. But my life wasn’t always so great.” He paused and didn’t say anything else for what seemed like forever. “My life didn’t begin the way it is now. In fact, my life couldn’t have been more different than it is now.”

My brows came together. “What do you mean?” I looked up at him, and his eyes were somewhere else. Somewhere frightening.

“Neil and Rose are my dad and mom, Rowen. I want you to know that because that’s one of the truest things I know. But they didn’t become so until I was five years old.”

“Wait.” I shook my head, sure I was missing something. “What are you saying, Jesse?”

“I was adopted.”

I couldn’t reply. At least not right away. Had I heard him wrong? Had he said it wrong? “You were . . . adopted?”

“Yes. I was taken out of my home when I was four by Child Protective Services. From there, I drifted around in the foster care system for about a year until Neil and Rose—my mom and dad—adopted me.”

The stall spun a bit. Information was coming at me a little too fast. “C.P.S. took you away from your parents?”

Jesse cleared his throat. “They took me away from the people who conceived me.”

I wasn’t sure whose expression was more broken: his or mine. “Why?” It didn’t make sense. Why hadn’t I known? Why hadn’t anyone told me?

Jesse’s arm went rigid around me. “Because they lacked . . . parental skills.” His words were flat and emotionless, but his face wasn’t. His face gave away the pain running through him.

“What? I don’t understand.” In fact, I didn’t have a clue. “Did they hurt you? What happened?”

“Yes, they hurt me. Yes, they didn’t take care of me.” Jesse shifted and dropped his head against the wall. “The point of me telling you this now is that I wanted you to know you’re not alone, Rowen. I know what it’s like to want to curl up and die rather than get up and face another day. I know what it’s like to feel like not a single soul in the world would care if you died. I know what it’s like to lose all of your faith in humanity.”

I had a sudden and overwhelming urge to protect Jesse from both his past and future struggles. To drape my arms around him and hold him tight the way he did me when I needed comfort.

“God, Jesse,” I said, wrapping my arm around his stomach. “I don’t know what to say. I’m sorry seems like the worst possible thing I could say. But I can’t think of anything else.” What did a person say to that? How did a person comfort another after that kind of a reveal? I didn’t know. I’d never had anyone show me the loving way to respond.

“I’m sorry works,” he said. “I’m not telling you because I’m looking for sympathy, Rowen. I’m telling you so you know you’re not alone. So you know you can walk away from a tragic past and live a peaceful life.”

A peaceful life. What I wouldn’t give to have one, but I was certain I’d never attain it. People like me, who’d lived the kind of life I had, didn’t live peaceful lives.

“Why didn’t you tell me sooner?” I sat up and twisted on the bale so I could look at him square on. Why hadn’t he told me? We’d talked about seemingly everything else. I wasn’t naive enough to think we didn’t still have some secrets, but I didn’t think they’d be those kinds of secrets. Monumental ones.

As I thought about all of the things I’d written off, it seemed so obvious, I should have figured it out. The lack of any physical similarities between Jesse and the rest of his family, the absence of his baby picture on Neil’s office wall with the girls’, people dropping hints about Jesse’s life not always being so paved with gold. It was all so clear after I’d been given the last piece of the puzzle.

“I was going to, Rowen. Soon.” Jesse turned so he looked me straight on as well. The skin between his eyebrows had been pinched together the entire conversation. “But it’s not something I tell just anybody.”

“Was it because you didn’t trust me enough to want to tell me?” I worked to keep my voice level and my eyes on his.

“Of course not. I’d trust you with my life, Rowen. I trust you implicitly.” His forehead wrinkled, too. “I didn’t tell you right away so you could get to know me, who I am now, before I told you who I was then. I wanted you to know my present before you knew my past. I wanted to know that if you chose to be with me, it was because you loved me. Not because you pitied me.”

I wiped my eyes before the tears forming could fall. “Are you ashamed of it?”

Jesse leaned forward. “No, just the opposite. I’m proud that Dad and Mom saw something in me I didn’t, and they believed in me.” He looked down at where our hands were entwined. He stared for so long, I wondered if he saw something in them I didn’t. “I just don’t see how it’s relevant for every person I come in contact with to know I was adopted. It’s my past. Yeah, I had a rough go of life. But I buried it six feet deep, made my peace with it, and moved on. I’m not going to let my past ruin my future.”

He buried it, made peace with it, and moved on. Could I ever do the same?

Right then, after everything that had happened, it didn’t seem so likely.

“And you had questions?” I asked.

He nodded and his eyes returned to mine. “I had so many damn questions I didn’t know what to do with all of them, but I stopped looking for answers that never wanted to be found and moved on. When the Walkers walked into that adoption agency, they took a huge chance on a troubled boy who likely would have turned into a violent teen. I wasn’t going to repay them for taking that chance by living up to what everyone thought I’d turn into.” He lifted our hands to his mouth and brushed his lips over my knuckles. “You and I are not so different, after all.”

And that was where he was so very wrong.

“Jesse, don’t you see?” I said, my voice high. “Our stories might have started out the same, but that’s the only similarity. You took a bad situation and turned yourself into the person you are today.” I paused just long enough to catch my breath. “I took a bad situation and let it define me.”

Jesse combed his fingers through his hair and shook his head. “No, you took a bad situation, let it define you for a while, and then you decided to overcome it.” He formed his hand over my cheek. “It just took you a little longer than me.”

I wanted to believe that. God, I would have given anything to believe that. But I couldn’t believe a lie. I couldn’t betray myself by accepting a lie.

“That’s the most sugar-coated version of a half-truth I’ve ever heard,” I said, my voice elevating. “Beneath this ‘reformed’ girl you fell in love with is the screwed-up girl I’ve been my whole life. A girl who will always be, no matter how you try to put it, screwed up.” I made myself look away from his eyes. It made what I had to do easier. “A girl with my past doesn’t deserve a guy with your future, Jesse.”

“Oh please,” Jesse said, hanging his head back. “Get over the I deserve this and I don’t deserve this crap and start choosing what’s healthy for you. How about being honest with yourself as to what you want? Because maybe you can have it.” Jesse’s voice had gone up, too. We were both past the point of keeping our cool.

“Healthy? Honest?” I popped up because I couldn’t stay seated any longer. “So easy for you to say. You’re the one living a charmed life with a family who loves you, not the one who will have no one, no one, after this summer! So don’t lecture me on what’s healthy!”

Jesse inhaled slowly and exhaled slowly. “You’re pushing me away again, Rowen. You’re hurting me.” Jesse waited for me to look at him. I couldn’t. I shouldn’t.

I did.

“Who does that sound like in your life? Who’s pushed you away and hurt you? Who’s done everything she can to keep you at arm’s length?” he asked, his voice calm.

I had my answer instantly, but I sealed my lips and shook my head. I swiped a tear. I didn’t like what he was getting at and I didn’t like the comparison he was drawing.

Jesse nodded, accepting I wouldn’t answer his question verbally. “What we’ve been denied is what we deny others. But why? Why do we fall into the same patterns of those people we always swore we’d never be like?”

“Haven’t you heard?” I inserted, wiping my eyes with the back of my arm. “Life sucks.”

Jesse kept going. “We will all, at some point in our lives, fall. Every single one of us.” He hoisted himself up beside me and moved closer. “We shouldn't spend our time trying to avoid falling. We should spend it finding someone who will help us up.”

When he lifted his hands toward my face, I backed away. “I just need to be alone right now.” I crossed my arms and closed myself off.

“No, you don’t,” he said, coming toward me again. “You need to be with someone who loves you.”

“Don’t tell me what I need,” I almost shouted. “You don’t have any clue what I’ve been through.”

“You’re right. I don’t.” His calm and reassuring tone grated on me. I wanted him to get angry. I wanted him to enter into a screaming match with me to make it easier. “But I know I love you and I’m living proof that your past doesn’t have to define you.”

I sighed and headed for the stall door. “And I’m living proof that it generally does.”

Jesse moved in front of me. “Don’t do this, Rowen. Don’t push me away.”

“I’m not, Jesse,” I said, giving him a cool look. “I’m walking away.”

When I made another move toward the door, he let me by. Walking away from Jesse was the hardest thing I’d done. I also knew it would be the hardest thing I ever would do.