Let it Snow(The Hope Falls Series)

Chapter Twenty-Three


?


Tessa could feel Jake’s eyes on her as she sat in the passenger’s seat of his SUV, headed to Gran’s memorial service. She still couldn’t believe that Jake had put this together in just the short time she’d been back. She’d been totally shocked when he’d told her about it yesterday. He said that the town needed to say goodbye, too. Tessa couldn’t get over how amazing Jake was being. After how long she’d been gone.

She stared out the window, pretending to be even more lost in thought than she actually was because she simply didn’t have the emotional strength to deal with saying goodbye to her grandmother and to deal with anything Jake-related on the same day.

Of course, there were a couple of issues with that statement, she realized. First of all, she had ‘said goodbye’ to her grandmother months ago—hell, if not years ago. So in that respect, it didn’t really make sense that she was so emotional today. But who said emotions have to make sense? When she had dealt with her grandmother’s passing before, it had been a highly personal thing. It had been a solitary grieving. The only people who’d even known she had been going through it or sympathized with her were her roommate and the staff who had been taking care of her Gran. Although they, of course, had felt bad for what she’d been going through, they had not known her Gran. Not really. Not when Gran had actually been Gran.

Today was different. Today was when a lot of people who loved Grandma Adie– really, truly knew her and loved her—were going to stand up and grieve for her right along with Tessa. Tessa knew that she should be grateful that her Gran had been so well-loved, and she was—seriously, she was. Still, there was a little part of her that selfishly wished that she didn’t have to go through this today. It was going to hurt like hell.

Tessa shook her head a little to herself as she looked out the window at the beautiful pine trees they were passing. She knew that the pain wasn’t the worst part. What Tessa was really afraid of was that today’s service was going to make Adeline’s death seem real.

Tessa sucked in a breath as that epiphany hit her. Damn. That was it. That was the core of it. She’d recognized it as soon as the thought had occurred to her.

There was a tiny corner of her mind that clung to the thought of Gran alive, in a different place or something. As if Tessa were just off on a photo assignment and would pop in to visit her after she got home. Of course, that idea wasn’t rational, but it wasn’t a rational part of her mind that harbored it.

And that was the real issue. That was why today was so hard—Tessa was afraid that going to the memorial service was going to shatter that one, tiny, last remaining illusion she had that she would ever see her Gran again.

She felt tears dropping into her lap and was surprised. She hadn’t even realized that she had been welling up. Jake, who had not stopped giving her long and concerned glances since she had climbed into the SUV—longer, in fact, than what was probably safe while driving!—reached over and squeezed her hand.

“You’re sure you’re okay?” he asked, his warm brown eyes melting her heart.

“I’m fine,” she assured him, realizing even as she said it that her shaky tone of voice belied the certainty that her words implied.

Jake just smiled at her sympathetically. She sighed. It was a great smile. It was a smile that made her want to tell him to stop the car, pull over, forget the memorial service, and just curl up in his arms and stay there—forever.

She turned her head and stared resolutely out the passenger’s side window as they pulled into the church parking lot—not sure how she was going to get through this. There had been so much going on since she had been back. Physically and emotionally exhausted, she was running on empty.

Jake pulled into the closest parking space available and turned off the ignition. He immediately opened his door and got out, walking around to Tessa’s side and opening her door for her. She took a deep breath. She would have preferred to sit in the car for a few moments and take the time to gather her thoughts, but this was probably better in the long run.

Reaching out to grasp the hand Jake was offering her, she gingerly stepped to the ground. Immediately, she was struck by the power and strength she felt emanating from his hand. It poured into her, strength she could lean on, strength she could depend on. She instantly felt calmer. She could do this. She could do this for Gran because today was not about her at all—today was for Gran.

As they walked towards the front door of Hope Falls Community Church, Jake held Tessa’s hand in his, and she loved how familiar and safe it felt. The years between them melted away, as did every painful thing that had ever transpired between the two of them, and suddenly they were just Jake and Tessa, holding hands. Normal. Natural. Meant to be.

She sighed at the deep sense of loss that thought engendered in her, and Jake put a protective arm around her shoulder. Tessa instinctively leaned against him. It seemed her body wasn’t waiting to see what her mind or heart thought about leaning on Jake—literally and figuratively.

As the two of them stepped through the doors of the church, they were met by a sea of people gathered to honor her Gran. Seeing her there, they began coming up and expressing their condolences. Tessa was extremely grateful to have Jake with her, holding her up, offering silent support. If Jake had not been there, she would’ve certainly felt overwhelmed. She was, after all, a largely solitary person. She had been, by necessity, for nearly her entire life—the one year she had lived in Hope Falls being the notable exception.

Although she was certainly getting back into the “groove” of the small-town Hope Falls lifestyle during the time she had been back, there were still times that it was a shock to her system. Now was one of those times. The outpouring of love was so wonderful but would definitely have been overwhelming to process if Jake had not been right by her side, being her rock as he always was.


Well…when she let him be, at any rate.

“Is this too much? Do you need me to get you away from here?” she heard him whisper in her ear, and she nodded gratefully. God, it was amazing how that man always seemed to instinctively know exactly what she needed at any given moment!

At her response, Jake took control of the situation, as he was so good at doing. He made polite excuses to everyone who came up to them, excuses she barely heard, and ushered her to her reserved seat and sat beside her.

When Pastor Harrison stepped up to the podium and began to speak, Tessa tried to focus on what he was saying, even if it was painful. Gran deserved that. Tessa needed to honor her by being fully present, she knew, even if it hurt.

“When I was a kid,” the Pastor was saying, “I used to walk my dog, Bullet, by Adeline’s house every day. Many of those days, she was outside working in her yard. She would always say ‘hi’ to Bullet and me. Always with a smile on her face that seemed like she was truly glad to see us. One day, she called me over to ask if I would like to earn a little money by taking care of her yard. I was happy to do it and showed up the next day, ready to start my job. When I had finished working, she met me on the porch with cookies and milk and we had the best talk. That day was the beginning of a lifelong friendship. Adeline always seemed genuinely interested in the things that were going on in my life, and that meant a lot to me.

“In fact, the sense of caring that she showed toward me was a big inspiration for me when I was deciding what to do with my life. It was a big part of what steered me to a life of service. I wish that I had told her that while I had the chance.”

Tears flowed freely down Tessa’s face as she listened to the pastor’s story and all of the stories that came after from people who had been touched by Adeline’s kindness and her willingness to listen and to care.

Tessa had been nervous, at first, that no one would get up to speak when offered the opportunity. After all, although Gran was wonderful, she had been gone from the community for many years.

However, in the end, the opposite happened. Far more people wanted to speak than there was even time for, and that fact truthfully touched Tessa’s heart nearly as much as the actual words they spoke.

Finally, Pastor Harrison returned to the podium. “Now,” he said in his melodic and authoritative voice, perfect for ministry, “Adeline’s granddaughter, Tessa, is here. Tessa, would you like to say a few words about your grandmother?”

Tessa’s eyes widened and her back stiffened. Oh, God! Why hadn’t she thought about this when Jake had told her about the service yesterday? Why hadn’t it even crossed her mind? Of course she was going to be asked to speak! That was a no-brainer! But she had been so wrapped up in the emotions of the event—and of Jake, if she were being perfectly honest—that it hadn’t even entered her mind.

Jake, sensing her mounting panic, put a hand to the small of her back in a tiny, comforting gesture. He leaned over to her. “Just speak from the heart,” he whispered in her ear. “You’re in a safe place. Everyone in this room loves you.”

Tessa’s throat went dry at the words.

Everyone? she felt like asking. Everyone…including…you?

She stood up from the pew and made her way up the platform steps on trembling legs. She did not think she had ever felt so many competing emotions at once. But the one that was quickly taking center stage was simply a burning desire to get through all of this without passing out.

She took her place behind the podium and adjusted the small microphone. She looked up at all of the faces staring back at her. They were, down to the last one, tear-stained. She saw real and sincere pain and regret on the visages of every single person in every single pew.

Suddenly, an overwhelming sense of calm washed over her.

Jake was right. This was a safe space. These people loved her—that was true. And they loved Gran, and this was about her.

Suddenly, Tessa smiled. She felt joy bubbling up inside of her unexpectedly, incongruously. She let out a short laugh and knew exactly what to say.

“I can’t tell you how much Grandma Adie would have hated this,” she chuckled, and several more people joined in with her laughter. “All of us standing around, talking about her excellent qualities, putting her at center stage. Oh, she would not have liked that one bit.”

Now the entire chapel was laughing warmly, and Tessa felt her grandmother’s presence in the room, more strongly than she had felt it in years. Tears slipped down her face, but she didn’t mind them. There was also a smile on her lips, and that was the important thing.

“I can’t begin to express how much it means to me to be able to talk about her with people who knew her,” Tessa said as her tears freely fell. “She was the warmest, most caring, most giving person I have ever known. She was the first person to ever love me completely and without judgment or expectation. She was actually the person to teach me what that felt like, and she was the person who taught me that I deserve that. It didn’t matter how big or small an accomplishment was—she was proud and let you know it. I miss her every single day, and… Well, I just can’t tell you how much it means to me to know that there are so many other people who feel the same way.”

As Tessa sat back in the pew next to Jake, she was grateful for the comforting touch of his arm around her shoulders and had to resist the urge to simply bury her face in his neck and collapse against him, seeking the comforting solace only he could provide.

Yes, it was true what she had said—Gran had been the first person to love her completely and without condition. But she hadn’t been the only person to love her that way. Jake had, too.

Gran had been torn from Tessa by a terrible disease beyond either one of their control. But Jake? Well, he was right here. Tessa had thought she had done the right thing by giving him up, that she had done what was best for him. Tessa had been so sure that she had done the only thing she could do if she’d loved him. She had been so convinced there hadn’t been any another option.

Now, she wasn’t so sure.

If losing Gran had taught her anything, wasn’t it that love—true, unconditional, complete love—was a rare thing in this world and she should hold on to it? Or had she been right the first time, that loving Jake had meant stepping aside so he could have what he really wanted—a family?

Tessa had no idea, and after feeling like she’d been through the emotional wringer, she knew that this was not going to be the day to figure it out.

As the service wrapped up, Jake’s mom rushed to Tessa’s side and threw her arms around her. Tessa loved Rosalie and appreciated her and Sean being there today.

Pulling away, Jake’s mom smoothed down Tessa’s hair. “Oh, my Tesero, I’m here if you need me. You know that, right?”

Tessa nodded.

As more people began surrounding them, offering condolences, Jake’s mom excused herself to go get the food set up in the dining hall, but not before making Tessa promise that she’d be at Sunday dinner.

Tessa really wasn’t sure that she could handle it, but of course she had agreed. She didn’t have the heart to disappoint Jake’s mom, even if it meant breaking her heart even more.