Sixth message.
Honey, this is mom. Hilde’s all in a tizzy because she can’t reach you. Will you please call your sister, so she knows you’re alright? And we really need to talk about this … relationship business that’s going on right now in your life… Oh … Darnit, Reggie. I’m talking… Just stop… Just, oh, here’s your dad. Honey, this is your dad. Call your sister. She’s driving me crazy. So is your mom.
I didn’t call Hilde. I drove. And I drove. And I let my mind wander and tune out life as I did.
I ended up at Lackawanna State Park, a lake about an hour north of Hazleton. I’d been here more times than I could recall on school outings, family picnics, even a couple of times with Kane when we were in high school and wanted to get away from town. It was deserted on this day. Of course, it was entirely too chilly out for campers, and it was lunchtime on a Wednesday.
I pulled into a gravel parking lot that looked out toward the water, and I sat there, staring into the distance. The day was too overcast and gloomy to see the sun, and after sitting in my car in a stupor for nearly five minutes, I climbed out and walked down toward a nearby dock that jutted off into the lake about twenty-feet or so.
The cold dew that would likely turn to frost overnight turned my black flats glossy and wet, and my toes quickly went numb as I walked through the grass. The dock creaked and groaned as I stepped onto it. It was plenty sturdy, but as the water lapped at the floats underneath it, it swayed here and there.
When I reached the end, I stared down into the water. It was dark, reflecting little to no light from the sky at this point, and I imagined falling into it for a moment and sinking slowly to the sandy lake bottom. But then it was someone else falling in, throwing himself in and sinking away from me that I saw—willingly drifting into the dark. I could almost see his eyes watching me as he sank. The panic intensified to something not entirely tolerable, and I dropped to my knees, gripping the side of the dock and gasping for air.
My tears fell, dripping into the black water and sending small ripples out as they splashed. I sobbed loudly, letting it out in such an ugly childlike way. But I was alone, and the world around me was silent. When I screamed, I clenched my fists tight and let the sound roar out of my chest. I don’t recall ever screaming like that—not ever. I wasn’t one to let sound erupt from me. I was too controlled, too stifled, too self-conscious to let go of myself so freely.
But I did.
My scream carried even through my gritted teeth, and when it finally passed as I lost my breath, I gasped again, sucking in air as though I were ready to suffocate. Wasn’t I?
“I can’t watch him leave again. I can’t do it,” I said to the water. “I can’t… I can’t…”
I stayed there on my knees, looking down into the water that seemed to get darker by the second. The dried wood of the deck planks was scraping my knees, and I could feel splinters piercing through my skin. I ignored it as long as I could, focusing on the water and calming my breaths.
When I stood, my legs ached and I hobbled a couple steps back toward the shore until I found my stride. By the time I reached my car, I was so cold I was shivering. I climbed in and cranked the heat up. My phone was sitting in the passenger seat, and I grabbed it with the intention of making sure Hilde hadn’t sent the cops out looking for me.
But as I picked it up, the screen came to life and Kane’s number was there. I paused, and I let it ring over and over and over again, until at the last minute, I swiped my finger across the screen, closed my eyes, and lifted the phone to my ear.
“Hello,” I croaked out.
He was silent for a moment. “Baby, where are you?”
“I took a drive.”
He inhaled and exhaled slowly. “Hilde was just here. She’s worried about you. Please tell me where you are.”
“Lackawanna. I just… I don’t know.”
“You’re all the way up there?” His exhalation was louder that time. “I’ll come get you—”
“No. Please don’t. I’m heading home.”
He didn’t respond right away. “Okay.”
“Okay, everyone, books closed. You have—”
The door suddenly opened, and Kane walked in. He held an apple in his hand, and as he walked toward me, he kept his eyes trained on my face. I was leaning against the front of the desk.
“Sorry I’m late, Professor Hess,” he said quietly as he set the apple down just next to my hand. His fingers brushed mine, and I inhaled sharply as I glanced down at the apple.
“Thank you, Mr. Thorson.”
He turned and took a seat in the middle of the front row, and I took a deep breath.