Her lips pursed again as more tears came, and she dropped her forehead to the center of my chest. I rested my palm to the back of her head, and I stroked her hair.
I leaned down, resting my lips to the crown of her head. “We don’t get to make those judgments. And the weight and responsibility of that decision has been as hard to bear as my actions that night. It’s a hard thing to carry knowing I’m responsible for a man’s death.”
She tilted her head up to look at me, and I cupped her cheeks, stroking my fingers behind her jawline. “Let me confess,” I begged as my lips trembled. “Please don’t ask me to carry this burden any further. I’m begging you.” I stared through the pools of tears in my eyes at her.
And she nodded even as she started sobbing again.
Chapter Forty-One
Helene
I felt numb on the ride back to town. I also felt strangely calm, strangely free, and not at all strangely devastated. I’d needed to hear him talk. I’m not sure I’d had any idea until this moment just how much I’d needed that, but I had. I’d needed his secrets. I’d needed the truth. I’d needed to understand why.
And now I did.
He pulled in right next to his dad’s truck in the small cemetery parking area, but he made no move to get out. He put the car in park, took his foot off the brake, and clasped his hands in his lap as he stared down at them. I wasn’t sure if he was waiting for me to say something or working up the nerve to say something himself. But after a minute he was still silent.
I cleared my throat. “How soon?”
He cleared his throat too. “Tomorrow morning.”
I couldn’t stifle the quiet sob that escaped my lips, and I lowered my head as I covered my mouth. It wasn’t long enough.
He reached for my hand, pulling it to his lap. “I have some things I have to do today to clear up my dad’s final expenses, pay off the last of the nursing home charges, make sure everything is processing with the life insurance claim, and get some paperwork in order.”
I nodded, but I didn’t look at him.
“But I need you right now,” he whispered. “I know I don’t deserve that, but please, don’t deny me you right now.”
When I looked at him, his lips trembled even though his eyes stared straight ahead.
He finally looked at me, and his eyes softened. “If you need to say no, it’s okay. I’ll understand.” He was silent for a moment. He looked down at his lap. “I’m not asking to make love to you. I just want to…” His words dropped off.
But I knew what he was going to say. He’d said it a few times recently. “Be close to me,” I said quietly, finishing the sentence for him.
His breath hitched as he inhaled. “You can’t imagine how good it feels.”
He looked at me then, reaching for my cheek and pulling my face closer, but he changed his mind and wrapped his arms around me instead. I sank into his body across the center console of my car, and I clutched at his sides as he buried his face against my neck. I ran my fingers through his hair and down over the back of his neck. His skin popped with goosebumps, and he sniffed back his tears even as he moaned quietly.
“I need to cancel class—”
“No. Please don’t.” He pulled back. “I’ll be there.” His lips pulled up slightly. “I want to be in your class tonight. I love watching you up there.”
I nodded.
“I’m going to … stay here for a little while. Walk down to the grave before I go.”
“Do you want me to stay?”
“No.” He finally reached over and opened the door. He stood at the driver’s side and waited for me to walk around. He hugged me, and I sighed against his neck. I didn’t want to let him go, not for even a second. He smelled so good, the way he always had. He felt good too, warm and strong. And when he pulled back, he cupped my cheek and ran his thumb across my chin.
“I love you, Helene.” He looked at my lips, and he even licked his lower one, but he didn’t lean to my mouth.
“I love you, too.”
The side of his lip pulled up for a second, and then he walked away.
I drove home, but when I approached my driveway and saw Hilde’s car parked there I kept on driving. She had a key, and she was likely waiting inside for me. I grabbed my cell phone. I’d forgotten I’d silenced it when I’d arrived at the cemetery, and when I swiped my finger across the screen it was to see missed call after missed call, interrupted only by voicemail notices and the occasional text message.
I hit play on the first voicemail message.
Call me.
Nothing more.
Second message.
Helene, where are you? Call me … now.
Third message.
Okay. Starting to get worried. Mark told me he called you and told you about Kane’s dad’s funeral. I drove by the cemetery, and Kane’s truck is there, but he’s not and you’re not. Where are you?
Fourth message.
Do I need to call the cops? Don’t think I won’t.
Fifth message.
I am your older sister. You are required, by law, to answer your phone when I call. I’m at your house. I’m not leaving until you call me. Call me. Call me. I’m serious. Call me.