I shook my head.
She walked around the room and indicated the bathroom door and then opened a set of double doors. “Here is your closet and dressing room.” I followed her and stood looking at the large room. Rows of clothing hung neatly. A large set of drawers was at the end. I glanced at the racks; all blacks, browns, and navy. Suits, skirts, dresses; all organized and tidy. Blouses in white and black and beige hung in an orderly fashion. Shoes and boots were lined up straight. I looked at Mrs. Smith, confused. “Do I have anything, um, less structured?”
She pursed her lips. “Mr. James does not approve of looking casual very much. I would think, for today, it would be all right for you to wear your night clothes since you will not be leaving your room.”
I looked at her stunned. He did not approve of casual clothes? I was expected to be dressed-up all the time?
She leaned forward confidentially. “You have a few items you wear when he is away and you are alone. But I think, today, you should just use one of your nightdresses.” Then she gave me a small squeeze on my arm and a smile. “I will leave you to change and be back to collect your clothes. I have been instructed to dispose of them.”
I shook my head. “No, please. I want … I want to keep them.”
She looked at me for a minute then shrugged. “You have to give me something,” she said quietly.
“I will. I promise.”
She nodded and left the dressing room. I opened the drawers until I found some nightgowns. Luckily, there were some pajamas as well, and even though they were black, they at least would be more comfortable than a suit or a dress. I changed quickly; piling the pants and underwear I was wearing into a ball, being sure to remove the small envelope first. That I tucked into the drawer of undergarments planning on opening it when I was finally alone. I found a white shirt and added it to the ball to make it look bigger. I hid Joshua’s hoodie and shirt in an almost empty drawer.
Mrs. Smith was waiting for me, and took the pile from my hands. “Would you like to lie down or sit in the chair?”
I chose the chair and she brought me my tea and a blanket to lie over my knees. “If you want something, the extension is 323,” she indicated the phone. “It is only an intercom. Not an outside line,” she informed me.
I nodded and she left.
I sat sipping my black tea with a small grimace. Apparently, I didn’t use sugar. Joshua always snuck a little extra sugar into my mugs when he thought I wasn’t looking. He seemed to think I was too thin and needed the extra calories. I sighed longingly, thinking of his subtle ways of caring for me.
I looked around the room. It was large, with lovely mouldings, but otherwise totally vacant of any personality. No pictures or knickknacks were around. Aside from the bedroom furniture and the chair I was sitting on, the only other piece in the room was a small bookcase which was filled with books, once again in a very neat and orderly fashion. I got up and went to inspect the bookcase. It was mostly novels and my heart clenched when I saw four of Joshua’s books on the shelves. I pulled one out and turned it over. I sighed. Of course there was no picture. I looked inside the book jacket in case, desperate to see his face, but there was nothing. His foreword included some general thanks to his editor and his assistant, CC. I smiled a little. I had never noticed that before. He never said her last name. My knees suddenly gave away as my mind tore through every conversation I had ever had with him, Cecilia or Trevor. I didn’t know any other information about Cecilia or Trevor. I had no idea where they lived. They were the only connection I had to Joshua and I had no idea how to get a hold of them. I felt my eyes fill with tears. It wasn’t like I could just ask Brian.
The envelope. I made my way to the dressing room and my hands shook as I opened the envelope. A small black square fell into my hand and I looked at it. It was a small memory stick. No doubt the photos of my injuries that Joshua took. He promised me he would make sure I had it. I looked inside the envelope and saw a card. I pulled it out, praying it was a message from him.
There were two lines of writing on it, one on the top and one on the bottom. I recognized his large, rather messy script.
WIH 98
AAW193
That was it. I stared at the card. I didn’t understand. What did that mean? I held the card up to the light, but there was nothing. Cecilia’s words came back to me. ‘He said to tell you to guard it. That you would figure it out.’ I shook my head, my breath catching on a sob; I didn’t understand. I placed both items back in the envelope then put the envelope into a pair of socks where it would not be found. I made my way back to the chair and slumped into it.
My head ached and I was so tired. And confused. I looked around the strange room and buried my head in my hands. I sobbed until I fell asleep.