What kind of relationship did I have with Brian that I would not want him close to me?
I sat alone in the strange, cold room. My thoughts were jumbled and, I felt frightened and lost, my head aching with a constant dull pounding. I wanted Joshua and Bear. I wanted the warmth of the cabin and the feeling of Joshua’s arms around me. Trembling, I stood up, and went into the closet and wrapped myself in Joshua’s hoodie, breathing in his scent. I spent the rest of the night rocking myself on the floor of the closet, my fingers twisting and turning the ring on my hand that felt so wrong there.
Chapter Twenty-Five
Joshua
A hand was stroking my head. “Joshua.”
I sighed in relief. Rabbit was here. It had all been a horrid dream. I reached up for her hand and frowned. This hand was bony and had rings on it—a lot of rings.
I opened my eyes and looked up at Cecilia, the light searing my eyes. I groaned. “Go away, Cecilia.”
“No, I won’t go away. What the hell have you been doing, Joshua? The place smells like a distillery. Bear has broken into his food bag and there’s kibble everywhere! Why is it so fucking cold in here?”
I sat up, my head aching and my stomach rolling.
After I had finally gotten off the bed, I went directly to the cupboard. My writer’s imagination had taken over and image after image pounded my brain of a joyous reunion between Elizabeth and Brian. As I laid here holding her Rabbit-scented pillow, he was lying there beside her, breathing her in, making her his again. I couldn’t stop the visions. It was a never ending loop. I grabbed the tequila and started drinking. I didn’t stop until the liquor ran out. I vaguely recall stumbling around getting Bear his food and water and, opening the door for him to go outside. I guess I left the door open. I wasn’t even sure how long I’d been drinking; it was as if when Rabbit left, time stopped.
Cecilia stomped down the hall and I heard a door slam. I winced. Nope, guess I didn’t close the door. She stomped back and I leaned my head back, my arm over my eyes shielding them from the bright light. “Please, Cecilia, not so loud. I’m in pain.”
“Which you deserve. God, you stink! And, you look like shit. Go have a shower.” She stomped even louder into the kitchen and I heard bottles being banged around.
“What day is it?”
“Monday. You’ve been wallowing for four days. Now go.”
Four days? I’d been drunk for four days?
I went into the bathroom, not wanting to risk anymore of her rage, and stripped, catching sight of myself in the mirror. I grimaced. She was right; I looked like shit. The hot water felt good pounding against my skin and I reached for the shampoo. My fingers touched something and I pulled the object off the bottle. It was a hair tie. Rabbit’s. My heart clenched and the pain of her leaving rolled through me again. I lowered myself to the floor as the agony hit me. My stomach tightened and I heaved repeatedly. Finally, I struggled to my feet and cleaned myself up. The last thing I did was wrap her hair tie around my wrist. My watch would cover it. I got dressed and made my way to the kitchen.
Wordlessly, Cecilia sat a mug of coffee in front of me. I looked behind her, wincing. The counter was covered in empty bottles. I had drunk every drop of liquor in the house. I looked at Cecilia who was standing against the counter. Her expression was no longer angry, just sad. I looked away, muttering I was sorry.
“I understand, Joshua. I know you’re in pain. I hate to see you going through this.” Her hand waved towards the counter. “I do know this isn’t the way to handle it. It’s not like you, Joshua.”
I nodded. She turned to the counter and started gathering up bottles. “Leave it, Cecilia. I’ll do it. It’s my mess, I’ll clean it up.”
She stopped what she was doing and grabbed some toast. She set it in front of me silently and sat down. I stared at it for a minute, and then looked at her. “Not really hungry…”
“Too fucking bad. Eat it.”
I picked up a piece and chewed, my stomach protesting loudly. It was not gonna stay in long. I took a sip of coffee and grimaced. Cecilia’s coffee had always reminded me of tar, and after drinking Rabbit’s, it tasted even worse than before. I looked up and saw the expression on her face and wisely kept drinking.
The silence was deafening.
I threw the toast down.
“Just fucking tell me, Cecilia.”
“What?”
I stood up, pacing rapidly. “Tell me! He walked in and she looked at him and that was it. Right? Her memory came back and now it’s happily ever after for them. Right? RIGHT?” The last word was roared loudly.
She stared at me.
“No, Joshua. That’s not what happened at all.”
I sat back down, exhausted.
“Tell me,” I begged. “I need to know, Cecilia.”
“She didn’t remember him at all. She didn’t have exactly the most … positive reaction to him,” she said quietly.
“What happened?”
“She, ah … she threw up on him.”
I stared at her.