I sighed and got up, realizing I had been lying there longer than I thought. Sleeping-in was not allowed here. Everything was regimented. What I ate, how I ate, how I dressed, where I went in the house. I didn’t understand how I was happy here before, and I certainly didn’t understand why Brian had wanted me back so badly. It was as if I didn’t exist. I was virtually left alone. Brian never had a conversation with me, he simply instructed me as to what he wanted. The staff rarely addressed me, aside from Mrs. Smith and she kept her distance when others were around.
Brian’s father came to the house the day after I arrived back, and I was essentially interrogated about where I had been and what I had been doing. There was certainly no welcome home being offered. I kept looking to Brian to say something, to tell his father to leave me alone, but he remained silent. By the time I was dismissed from their company, I was shaking and confused at the open hostility. It was the first time I also admitted to myself that Joshua was right to keep so many details from me. I couldn’t accidentally say something I didn’t know in the first place.
The only time I had been out in the day was to be taken to a doctor, who barely even addressed me, instead directed all his inquiries to Brian.
He performed a routine and quick exam and studied the x-rays Daniel had provided, and then, with no discussion, I was given a tetanus shot I wasn’t sure I needed. He handed a prescription to Brian, and since then a pill appeared beside my plate every morning and I was watched to make sure I took it. Brian informed me it was to help the headaches, but when I mentioned feeling rather groggy when I took it, I was told it was my imagination and there were no side effects. I started to question that, but stopped in sudden dread at the anger building on Brian’s face because I was expressing an opinion.
Even more confusing was when we attended one of the innumerable charitable functions together. I had expressed my worries about attending functions when I was still so unsure of myself, but Brian insisted I needed to be at his side, regardless of my concerns. The first night, Brian surprised me by taking my hand when we left the car, and the entire evening he rarely left my side; his arm was always around my waist, keeping me tightly against him. I noticed he rarely allowed me to speak, always stepping in to deflect away any inquiries about my ‘ordeal’ as it was referred to. I realized none of these people knew I had lost my memory and that was why Brian had grilled me over and over again about the contents of the file I had been given. When someone would approach us, he would quietly remind me who they were so I didn’t make any mistakes. To anyone watching, we seemed like a close couple, him at my side, often bending down to whisper in my ear. Only I knew the truth. When the evening was over and we were once again in the car, he always released my hand and the pretense would be over. And again I would internally question why he had ever tried to find me in the first place.
I sighed and got out of bed to get ready for the day. Tonight was yet another dinner. Today, I was meeting with my trainer to restart my exercise routine. I was, it seemed, not as fit as I should be. Monday, I would resume my volunteering duties at both the library and hospital, since Brian felt I had slacked off enough. I was actually looking forward to that, to being out of this oppressive house and with people again.
I stood looking towards my little bookcase. I had read and reread Joshua’s books so often I was sure I knew them by heart. They were the only things keeping me sane. I could see his sense of humor in some of the paragraphs and recognized his phrasing so easily now. I felt my eyes begin to burn with unshed tears. I missed him so much. His warmth, his smile and, especially his touch. He always touched me with so much love. His small white card was now a bookmark that I studied every day. I still had no idea what it meant, but I knew it was important. He wouldn’t have made sure to have Cecilia give it to me if it wasn’t. That I knew for certain.
Once again, I picked up his shirt and held it closely. I inhaled deeply and pretended to be wrapped up in his arms instead of standing here alone. An abrupt knock on the door had me scrambling to hide the shirt that was in my hands. I bent down and stuffed it under the mattress as far as I could.
Brian entered to inform me my trainer was here. I could see he wasn’t pleased that I’d not been down to breakfast. He held out my pill and I took it from him wordlessly, turned around and reached over to pick up the water from my bedside table to wash it down with. He watched as I swallowed then instructed me to meet him in the gym downstairs and left.
Once I was sure he was gone, I spat the pill out. I had stuffed it into my cheek while I was turned away getting the water, a trick I had gotten very good at. I tucked it into the drawer meaning to flush it away later, the same way I did with the others I had managed not to take. My head was definitely clearer when I didn’t take the pills. I smiled grimly. I now had three objectives for the library. One was to use the computers I would have access to in order to try and figure out what the pills were. Second was to try and find a way to contact Joshua. I didn’t belong here. That became clearer to me every day I was here. The other objective was to bring home more of Joshua’s books. I needed his words. They were all I had left.