I spent the afternoon hanging out with Mia while the guys practiced. We talked and talked all afternoon, well into the night. When I brought Jared up I saw the sad smile cross her face. They were stuck, both of them.
"Do you want to talk about it Mia?" I asked her as I grabbed us a couple of beers.
"There isn’t much to say Ash," she said quietly.
I squeezed her hand as I said, "I kinda get the feeling there is, that maybe there’s more going on here between the two of you?"
She looked up at me then and it looked like tears were filling her eyes. "Yeah, things have happened before."
"And?" I said, still holding her hand as I sat down beside her.
"And I don’t know, it’s a mess Ash, for so many reasons and things just seem to get in the way of sorting it all out."
"Have you tried just telling him how you feel about all of this?" I asked gently.
"No," she said sadly. "I already fucked things up once before, badly, and I don’t know how to fix that. How to undo the things I’ve done."
"Maybe you need to make time, find a way. Remember what you told your brother Mia?" I said to her. "You just need to do something, anything to show Jared how you really feel, that you feel the same way he does."
She shook her head. "I can’t sing Ash, you know that."
I couldn’t help but laugh. "You know that’s not what I meant Mia, you just need to let him know, really let him know. Shit, look at what Luke did and he had no idea how I felt."
Mia raised an eyebrow at me.
"What?"
"Ash, I hate to say it, but I knew how you felt about Luke within about two seconds of meeting you."
"Really?" I asked. "But nothing was even going on back then?"
Mia was laughing now. "Didn’t matter Ash, up until you found out I was his sister, you could pretty much see the jealousy and annoyance dripping off you. It was obvious how you felt, even if you didn’t realise it."
I blushed when she said this, knowing only too well how true that probably was. I just didn’t realise how obvious it’d been. "Do you think Luke noticed?" I asked, taking a sip of my drink.
She squeezed my hand now as she gently said, "It would’ve been hard for him not to Ash. He was so crazy about you, it’s a wonder he didn’t just jump you then and there when he saw your reaction to me walking in. In any case I’m sure he knows now," she continued laughing again.
I hope he does.
"So have you, you know, talked to him about how you really feel? Those three little words you blurted out to me at the Cape?" she continued, the corner of her mouth lifting in a smile.
I took another nervous sip of my drink, stalling before I answered her, "No."
"So you haven’t told him?" Mia asked. Subtly changing the course of the conversation appeared to be one thing Mia could do.
"No," was all I could say again.
"Why not Ash?"
I shook my head, took another sip of my drink. "I’m too scared," I finally admitted, unable to explain why.
Mia just squeezed my hand again before she let go. "You shouldn’t be Ash, that much I can guarantee you. You definitely shouldn’t be scared about telling Luke how you feel. You have to know he feels the same way right? You must know, I mean everyone can see it," she continued, smiling at me.
That’s not what I was afraid of. I’d heard him say the words once before, whispered in my ear so many months ago. I wasn’t afraid of what he felt; he never held back, his actions constantly showing me what those feelings were. It was one of the things I loved about him.
It was me. I’d never said those words back to him because it was the final step. It was like admitting it was all really real and if it was, then it could all really be destroyed as well. That’s what I was afraid of.
But I couldn’t tell Mia this. So I just took a deep breath and jokingly said, "Everyone but me right?"
"No Ash," Mia said gently. "I know you see it too. I know you do."
"Yeah," I said quietly. She smiled at me then and I smiled back, knowing that whether I said those words out loud or not, the feeling was true. I knew it, hopefully Luke knew it. And keeping it a secret or actually telling him wasn’t going to change anything, not now. And he deserved to know, he deserved to hear me say it and I really did want to tell him.
So it’s a little after midnight when Luke finally comes home. I’m lying in bed reading, but I’m definitely not tired and in no danger of going to sleep anytime soon.
"Hey my beautiful girl," he says with a smile in his voice, putting his guitar down and coming over to the bed.
"Hey," I smile back at him, leaning over for a kiss.
He touches his lips to mine. "How was the movie?" he murmurs against them.
I laugh as I say, "Um, we never got there. Talking too much and we missed the start."
Luke smiles at me as he kicks off his boots and sits down on the bed now, facing me. "That, I’m not surprised about." He kisses me again, his hand finding mine and our fingers lacing together as his thumb softly brushes over my wrist. It’s all I can do not to rip his clothes off right here and now. But I’m going to do this first. I want to do this, I want to tell him.
"Did you have a good night though?" he eventually asks.