I looked up and saw him standing there, waiting for my answer. I didn’t know what to say. Of course I needed help, but did I really want to admit that to him of all people?
"Sorry, I don’t mean to be rude or anything, but the look on your face kinda suggests you might?" he continued, the start of a smile forming on his mouth as he said it.
I didn’t know if he was making fun of me or not, none of his friends were around, so I breathed out, took a chance and said, "Yeah I don’t really understand it actually."
So Adam sat down and that was the start of it. I was sixteen at the time, he was a year older and from that day on, he’d ask me if I wanted help with my homework. It started off as just help. I’d be in the library every lunch anyway and every couple of days he would come in. He just kept asking me and so I kept on saying yes.
Then one day he asked instead, "How come you’re always in here at lunch?"
I felt myself blush. I was in here every day because I had no one out there to talk to, but how could I tell him that?
"Ash?" he said gently, his fingers reaching out and lightly touching my arm.
And that was when I felt it. The fire that immediately jolted through me in response to his touch, it was like nothing I’d ever felt before, indescribable and I’m sure my face flushed even more. If he hadn’t realised earlier, he surely must know now that I liked him. But I couldn’t even tell him why I spent my lunches hidden in the library, much less admit how I felt about him, so I just shrugged in response and ducked my head, hoping he wouldn’t see my embarrassment.
He must have, but his response to it surprised me. I nearly fell off my chair when he said, "Maybe you could have lunch outside with me one day?"
When I looked up at him I could see he was serious. I didn’t know what to say. I’d never been asked out by a guy before and now I felt even shyer. But his fingers were still lightly brushing my arm and he looked sincere when he said again, "I’d really like to have a lunch with you, not just help you with your homework."
"Why?" I couldn’t help but blurt out.
He smiled at me then, his fingers gently moving over my skin. "At first it was because I thought you were cute," he said, blushing a little now too. "I used to watch you sitting in here chewing on your pencil, a look on your face like you were trying to solve all the world’s problems. But then, when I finally worked up the courage to come and talk to you, I realised it was more than that." He was definitely blushing now and it made me feel a little better, made me start to think he meant what he was saying. "Then I started to realise how much I liked hanging out with you," he continued quietly.
I looked at him and smiled, before some newfound courage finally allowed me to answer.
"Me too."
I had lunch with him nearly every day after that and every day it became easier to believe it was real.
∞
Today when I come into work, the first thing I notice is the new fish. Now in addition to the gold fish, there is a black one swimming around in the tank with it. I’m standing here staring at the two of them when Luke comes out from the kitchen.
"Oh hey Ash, how are you?"
I can hear the concern in his voice today, so different to every other day when he first speaks to me. I turn to look at him. "You bought another fish?" God I must sound like a total idiot.
He shrugs as if it’s no big deal, even though I can see from his face he knows that it is. "Yeah I figured he’d be lonely in there without the company, so you know, I got him a friend."
God, if only he knew.
Luke’s watching me like he’s trying to work out if what he’s done is a good thing. I turn away to look at my new fish, swimming around with the old one. A new friend, someone to hang out with. This is definitely not a sign.
I turn back to look at Luke. "Thanks," I say. "Can I make you a coffee?"
Luke keeps watching me. Neither of us says anything for a minute before he finally asks, "Are you okay Ash?"
I swallow. I can’t let him in. I just can’t. It’s too dangerous. I try smiling. "Yeah, I’m fine. Thanks for the fish, he’s cute. Coffee?"
I watch as he keeps looking at me. I can tell he isn’t buying it, but he says nothing except, "Yeah, that’d be great, thanks Asha," before heading back to the kitchen.
We don’t talk much for the rest of the morning, but after the lunchtime crowd has gone, Luke appears out the front again, this time with a plate in his hands.
"Here Ash, I made some lunch for you," he says, setting it down on the counter.
I’m wiping down the coffee machine, but stop and look over at him. This is a new development.
"Come and try it," he says, smiling at me as he nods his head towards the plate.
I wipe my hands on a cloth and walk over to stand in front of him. "Can I get you something to drink?" I ask as I glance down at the sandwich he’s made me. It’s huge and I’ll be lucky if I can eat even half of it. It looks really good though and my stomach makes a rumbling noise in response, one that’s loud enough for both of us to hear.