Which is the better option – all alone or all over?
Watching the dead fish now floating on the surface and the other fish coming up to it, as though it’s trying to ask what’s wrong, I wonder whether I should even be thinking about this at all. Should I just stop thinking and actually do something? The idea makes my head hurt and I have no idea what any of it means.
And just like that, I can feel myself slipping. Suddenly the mask I try so hard to keep in place, feels like it’s falling off. Suddenly every painful secret that I hold inside of me wants to come out, as though they’re all trying to escape like this stupid, dead fish. I can feel myself sliding and even though I’m trying desperately to hold on, today it’s just not enough.
With my hands on the counter, I lean down and press my head between them. "Shit," I mumble again.
"Hey Ash, it’s just a fish," I hear Luke say gently.
A deep breath escapes me. Of course it’s just a fish. It’s nothing more, it’s not a sign.
"Yeah I know Luke." My voice is flat and sounds foreign, even to me. "Just a stupid fish."
And that’s when I feel it. His hand. On my back. Gently rubbing it.
He doesn’t say anything, just slowly rubs circles on my back. I’m too scared to move, to even acknowledge what he’s doing. How did we go from me making him coffee, to him comforting me because of a stupid dead goldfish? This shouldn’t be happening. No one has touched me since Sam and now Luke has done it, twice. Inside, my body is rebelling, trying to tell me to get up, trying to make my head lift up off the counter and my legs walk away from him. Move, I’m screaming on the inside, while somehow remaining frozen in place on the outside. This isn’t good, he really shouldn’t be touching me.
Eventually it’s Luke who moves. He leans over me, scoops out the dead fish with his hand and takes it somewhere to get rid of it. I feel his whole body as it presses against mine and it’s all I can do not to explode in response.
Because when he does this, it all comes flooding back.
The longing to be touched again, to be comforted as he has unknowingly just done. No matter how much I pretend I don’t want it, I still do, I still want all of it. It’s so unbelievably painful, still so raw. But, no matter what I think I might want, it’s overridden by the fear. The fear of what could and what I know will happen in the end.
Only when he’s gone, do I get up. Only when he’s gone, do I let out the breath I didn’t realise I was holding. Only when he’s gone, do I blink away the tears that have somehow formed in my eyes. And it’s only when he’s gone, that I finally let myself register the warmth from when his body touched mine, the warmth that I want so badly and which I now realise is missing.
I move away from the counter so by the time he comes back, I’m doing something else. I’m far enough away that he can’t touch me again. Luke doesn’t say anything, just watches me for a minute as if trying to work out whether he should say something more, before turning and heading back into the kitchen.
I don’t look at him at all.
I can’t.
∞
That first touch, that unexpected but not entirely unwanted first touch. I can remember when it happened for the very first time, so clearly, even now. His name was Adam and I fell desperately in love with him. What began as a high school crush turned into so much more because for some reason, he took a chance on me. I’d never thought I stood a chance, but really in the end, it was him that didn’t. I just didn’t know it at the time.
I’d admired him from afar for so long, a typical unrequited school girl crush I had no intention of doing anything about. It wasn’t just that he was a year above me and therefore way out of my league; I was also too shy, too afraid of the rejection. Adam was the kind of guy who stood out, but who managed to do so without being a complete dick about it. He was good at sports and friendly to everyone, and although he was part of the "in crowd," he wasn’t the most popular guy in school. I’d seen him with a couple of different girls from time and time, but had never heard the rumours like I’d heard with some of the others. He just seemed to be the kind of person who everyone really liked, but who was also nice to people at the same time. I think that was part of his appeal, he was nice and he was hot, but it was like he had absolutely no idea about it. Still, I knew I was never going to be one of the people he spoke to, let alone had anything to do with.
But for reasons I still don’t understand, apparently he’d noticed me too and in the end it was Adam who made the first move. I was in the library at the time, trying to do some homework. He’d wandered over and was standing there just staring at me.
"You want some help with that?" he finally asked.