Hollow (Perfect Little Pieces)

chapter Six



I spent most of the day avoiding Jayden. If he saw me, then he’d know that I was upset, and would want to know why. He’d probably stop me from seeing my parents—or worse—he’d want to come with me to see them.

I wanted to keep Jayden and my mother separate. If they were working together, then I didn’t need them ganging up on me. If they weren’t working together, he’d probably sympathize with her since she was funding his work with the dogs. Either way, I was screwed. No, it was better if Jayden and my mother stayed as far apart as possible.

I stopped in front of the visiting room door. The room was all glass from the waist up. I could see my parents sitting at the small round table, waiting for me. Their backs were facing the door, so I took a moment to mentally prepare myself for whatever my parents had in store for me.

Elias put his hand on my shoulder. “Are you going to be all right?”

I looked up at his concerned gaze and nodded. While I didn’t relish the thought of seeing my parents again, I knew that this was inevitable. I couldn’t avoid my family forever. No one could.

What did they think of me? Why were they here? I didn’t delude myself to think that they were looking after my welfare. There was another reason, but what?

I turned the knob and took a hesitant step into the room.

“Oh Lucy!” My mother rose from her chair and engulfed me in a bear hug. “You haven’t called. We’ve been so worried about you.”

I refrained from reminding her about the point system, or how the hospital didn’t want me to have outside contact for the first few days so that I could adjust to my new surroundings. My mother knew all of this. She was there when Dr. Polanski told me.

I pressed my lips together in silence as she hugged me and then moved back to the chair.

“Lucy, how are you doing?” My father hugged me, and this almost brought tears to my eyes. Ever since he retired he had been much less overbearing and argumentative. It was almost as if retirement had brought peace and acceptance.

Acceptance of my mother’s domineering ways.

He never fought her, none of us did. It seemed as if we were all caught up in her ambitious wake. I think my father knew that I was suffering under my mother’s thumb. I saw it in the way he looked at me that day in the hospital after I woke up from the Vicodin overload. There was something in his eyes, as though he knew my pain and but couldn’t give me what I needed.

Unlike my mother, who was more worried about what the press would think than her daughter.

Unfortunately, there was nothing I could do about that. My father might have recognized that my mother was pushing too hard, but he did nothing to stop it. I’m sure he had his reasons, but I couldn’t help but feel a little betrayed.

And now, looking at their plastic smiles from across the visiting room table, I felt more like strangers than family.

“Please, have a seat.” My mother motioned to the empty seat across from her.

Because they were still my parents, I sat and folded my hands in my lap.

“How have you been?” my mom asked.

“Okay.”

“Did you have a chance to see the dogs?”

I looked up from my hands and stared at my mother’s surgically-perfected face. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. “The dogs?”

My father cleared his throat. “Your mother is talking about Howlistic Healers.” He leaned forward in his chair and grinned as he placed his elbows on the table. “It’s your mother’s latest charity. It’s been gaining a lot of support on Capitol Hill.”

My parents droned on about their campaign to save the unwanted dogs until I felt like screaming.

“You just don’t get it, do you?” I finally said.

My mother had been talking about how well last night’s dinner auction to raise awareness had gone. She seemed rather perturbed to be interrupted. “Get what, dear?”

I shook my head. Unbelievable. “I’m not in this hospital to further your cause.”

“Of course not, dear.” My mom reached out across the table and patted my hand. “Calm down.”

“No one said that you were here for us,” my father added. “You’re here for you—just like we are. We want to see you well, princess.”

“Then why did you send the dogs here?”

“Well, since you were here, and Dr. Polanski seemed so nice, it felt like the perfect opportunity to test out our theory,” my mom said as she straightened in her chair.

“You mean to gain some publicity.” I made a frustrated noise and stood. “It would make a nice story if the dogs helped me recover, wouldn’t it? A little piece to tell at cocktail parties?”

My father frowned and put his arm around my mother. “I’m sure your mother didn’t intend—”

“Oh wake up, Dad. That’s exactly what Mom intended.” I turned to face her. “Wasn’t it?” I stood. “I’m done here.”

“Wait, Lucy.” My mom grabbed my arm before I could make it to the door. I turned and met her gaze. There were tears in her eyes. “I never meant to hurt you.”

“I know, Mom.” She was much too self-absorbed to intentionally hurt me. I tugged my arm from her grasp. “But there are some things that are political and some things that are private. Your daughter’s well-being should be kept private.”

“Lucy, we only care about your welfare.”

“Do you? Do you really?” Tears stung my eyes. They spilled down my cheeks and onto my shirt. I didn’t care. It felt so good to get this off my chest. Finally. “You were the ones pushing me for good grades. You were the ones pushing me into the top programs at the top schools.”

“But honey, if you wanted to become a veterinarian, you had to—”

“Don’t you get it? I didn’t want to become a vet, you wanted me to become a vet.” I turned to my father. “All my life she has been controlling what I do, what I say, how I dress. All the while, you sit back and do nothing.”

“Because she did what was right for the family. You have to understand—”

“Right for the family, or right for you?” I took a step back toward the door and shook my head. “Once you retired, you had no problem living off of Mom’s paycheck and popularity.”

“Honey, we all have to make sacrifices. We have to maintain appearances.”

“I didn’t ask for this. I never wanted to be in the public eye, Mom. I just wanted you to accept me for who I am. That was never good enough for you though, was it?” I wiped the tears from my eyes and reached behind me for the doorknob. “I don’t ever want to see either one of you, or your dogs, or your spies, at this hospital again.”

My parents both stood as one. “Spies?” my father asked. “What spies?”

My mother started to close the distance between us. “Honey, you can’t mean that.”

I held up my hand, stopping her advance. “Admit it, Mom. It would be a relief to not have to visit me, wouldn’t it?”

“Oh Lucy.” Suddenly she looked so tired and defeated, but I didn’t care. I was on a roll. Years and years of frustration and stress tumbled out of me like an avalanche.

“And Dad, if you don’t have to visit me, then you can spend more time at your Equestrian Club.”

My father stared at me, dumbstruck. “Princess—”

“Neither one of you ever cared about me, all you cared about is the perfect family image you sent to the world. Well…” I turned the knob to the door. “I hate to break it to you, but we aren’t the perfect family. I’m broken. I’m never going to become that vet you wanted in the family, Mother.” I turned to my dad. “And I’m never going to be anything more than a mental case. Sorry you won’t have anything to brag about to your Equestrian Club buddies.” Grief struck me hard, and I took a deep breath. “I’m so sorry to disappoint you. At least you know that I’ve done so for the last time.”

Before my parents could respond, I flung open the door and crashed into Elias as I ran from the room.

“Lucy, are you okay?” He gripped my shoulders as I started to sway.

“I’m fine. Just…I need to go to my room.” I pulled from his grasp and sprinted down the hall, desperate for the sanctuary of my room.

When there, I closed the door and rested my forehead against the metal. My heart beat double-time, but I was relieved that I didn’t feel that tightening in my chest. Neither did I feel that bleak hollow hole. Instead I felt…overwhelmed.

Emotions came rolling over me one after another. Anger, frustration, sadness. It was useless to try to stop them. They welled up inside of me like a great fountain and burst from my body. I let out a giant sob as I sank toward the floor.

“Lucy?”

I jerked back up, whipped around and pressed my back against the door. “Jayden.”

He got up from the easy chair and started to close the distance between us. “I’ve been waiting for you. I didn’t see you all day and thought—” He paused, mid-step. “What happened?”

I couldn’t tell him. Not yet. Everything was still too fresh, too raw. Besides, I didn’t know if anything I said would be broadcasted back to my mother.

I couldn’t talk to him, but I could hold him, and I desperately needed someone to hold onto.

As if reading my mind, Jayden stretched out his arms. “Come here, beautiful. It’s okay.”

I ran to him and collapsed into his embrace, desperate for the sanctuary I knew I’d find there.

He held me as I cried. I gripped his T-shirt and wept with a force I haven’t had since Kyle and Bethany’s funerals. My body shook, and I soaked Jayden’s T-shirt with tears. He stood perfectly still as I let out the surge of emotion, quietly holding me and rubbing his fingers across my spine.

I cried until I had nothing left. I cried for Kyle and Bethany. I cried for that night and my foolish decisions, but most of all, I cried for not understanding sooner.

I had never loved Kyle, not really. I dated him because he was exactly what my mother hated. He was a rebel and bucked the system. He worked hard and partied harder. While my life was regimented, his was free and unstructured. As a result I clung to him like he was air. Wherever he went, I was at his side. Whatever he wanted, I gave.

People say that what happened that night wasn’t my fault, but they were wrong. It was completely and totally my fault. I was using him that night to escape my controlling mother, just as I had always done before. Perhaps if I had realized what I was doing, we wouldn’t have fought that night. Both he and Bethany would still be alive.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Jayden asked. His voice was soft and understanding.

I leaned back from his T-shirt and sniffed. He handed me a tissue from the side table.

“God, I’m so sorry.”

“For what?” he asked.

I pointed to the large wet spot on his shirt. “I don’t normally break down like that.”

“Perhaps you should.” He took my hands in his as concern darkened the brightness in his eyes. “Feel better?”

“A little.” I frowned as I realized something. “You aren’t supposed to be here.”

“No, I’m not.”

“Then why are you here?”

He twisted his lips in a half-smile. “I had to see you.”

It was then that I remembered Jayden and Flynn left last night to see Martinez. “Is Nesto all right?”

He studied my face for a moment then pulled me toward the door. “Come on.”

“Where are we going?” I noticed that he didn’t mention Nesto, and I didn’t press. I wasn’t ready to divulge my secrets, I couldn’t very well force him to tell me his.

He opened the door and looked both ways down the hallway. “We’re getting out of here.”

I tried to pull my hand out of his grasp, but it was too strong. “No one can leave the ward.”

He glanced at me over his shoulder and gave me that ‘Don’t you trust me?’ look. “Tell me, do you always play by the rules?”

I swallowed the lump in my throat. How did he know about my mother’s strict rules? Was he aware of how I tried to break free from them with Kyle and how it all fell apart?

Jayden returned his attention to the hall. After a couple of seconds, he tugged on my hand. “Come on.”

Now I was curious. How was he going to slip past the staff? I wiped away the last of my tears with my free hand as he dragged me down the hall to the common area. As we passed the large room, I could see Flynn participating in another ping-pong match. His mind didn’t seem to be on the game, however. His opponent got in an easy point, something that made Flynn swear rather loudly.

“They’ll be none of that in here, Flynn. You know better,” Elias said from his chair along the far wall.

Before I could think too much about it, Jayden dragged me past the room and down the hall. Right before we got to the reception area, he opened a side door and dragged me inside.

“Where are we?” I asked as he closed the door behind him. It was dark, really dark, and the small space forced us to stand close together. I felt every delectable inch of his hard, muscular body as it moved against mine. My heartbeat quickened and my skin tingled with awareness.

“We’re getting away.” He started searching the shelves. The only light came from underneath the door, just enough to see the outline of his face but not enough to see his expression.

“In a supply closet?”

He ignored my outburst and continued searching.

“F*ck.”

“What?”

He stopped searching, turned to face me and let out a long breath. “I can’t find any small enough.”

“I don’t understand.”

He brushed his fingers against mine. In the close quarters I could smell his sweet, masculine scent. Something fluttered in my lower abdomen as I became hyper-aware of just how alone we were, and how much I wanted to feel his body pressed up against mine.

“I just thought…ah hell, Lucy. I don’t know.” He ran a hand over his face. “I had this idea and now it seems so stupid. I’m such a…”

“Jayden?” I asked when he didn’t continue.

He looked away. “I’m sorry, Lucy.”

I sniffed and blinked back the tears in my eyes. What was he sorry about, the fact that he worked for my mother? “It’s okay. She can be very manipulative at times.”

He met my gaze. “What?”

“My mother—I know that she asked you to spy on me, and—”

“Lucy, I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

Shock slammed into my system. “Of course you do. My mother runs Howlistic Healers. She’s using the program to spy on me, and she asked you to—”

Jayden let out a nervous laugh. “Honey, Dr. Polanski thought it would be good for me to help the volunteers with the dogs. Part of my rehab to help me re-enter society. I had no idea your mother was part of it.”

I blinked up at his beautiful eyes. “You didn’t?”

“No.” He inched closer.

“She never asked you to spy on me?”

“Of course not. Why would she?”

“Because—forget about it. It’s not important.” None of it was important. It was such a relief to know that Jayden wasn’t working for my parents. Now that I thought about it, spying on people didn’t seem to fit well with his personality. Jayden was much to open to be manipulative and sneaky. He cared about people too much to use them for his own personal gain.

“Are you sure?” he asked. “Because if someone is spying on you in a mental institution, that’s seriously f*cked up.”

His comment made us both chuckle, and it felt as if a weight had been lifted from my shoulders. He had nothing to do with my parents. What a relief.

“Yeah, my whole family is pretty f*cked up,” I admitted.

“At least you still have a family.”

I reached up and brushed his hair from his face, revealing the scar along his temple. I traced my fingers over the long indentation and watched him close his eyes.

“I’m sorry you didn’t find what you were looking for,” I said. “But it doesn’t matter. Just being with you again, helped.”

He took my wrist and pulled it away from his scar. “Don’t,” he whispered as he opened his eyes. His voice sounded choked and full of emotion. “Lucy, you don’t know me. I’ve done things—”

“I don’t care about your past, Jayden. It can’t possibly be more messed up than mine.” I framed his face with my palms. “All I care about is the here and now, and how I feel when I’m with you.” I stood on my tiptoes and covered his lips with my own.