Hollow (Perfect Little Pieces)

chapter Two



It was a full minute before my mind unfroze enough so I could tap my hero on the shoulder.

Jayden’s footsteps slowed, and the hallway began to look familiar. As my heartbeat quieted, his scent—coffee and a hint of vanilla—filled my nose. I closed my eyes and inhaled the wonderful aroma. It reminded me of the little café Bethany, Mia and I hung out in on campus. I could almost see that purple-haired woman behind the counter, sneering at my coffee order. Black? Who drinks their coffee black?

Jayden stopped at my room and shifted me in his arms. After a little fumbling with the handle, he opened the door and swept me inside. The room held two simple twin beds, two cushioned chairs and two dressers. There was a window on the far wall, but no curtains. A similar paisley pattern from the common area decorated the comforter and chair. Otherwise, the walls and floor were the same in my room as in the hall—clean, sterile and rather depressing.

Jayden kicked the door to my room closed and leaned back against the metal surface. “Are you all right?”

Was I? It had been so long since anyone had asked me that question. I wasn’t quite sure how to answer.

Instead of speaking, I curled up inside the safety of Jayden’s arms and buried my head in his chest. Perhaps, if I held tight enough, he’d ground me in the present and make all the ghosts of my past fade away.

“Lucy?” He tightened his grip around my body, as if he needed to hold me as much as I needed to be held.

I nodded as a lump formed in my throat. How did he learn my name? Or where my room was? It didn’t matter. All that mattered was that he was here. I was safe.

“Good.” He closed his eyes. “Good.”

It was in that moment that I realized we were alone. I blinked around at my surroundings, feeling a little uneasy. Unlike the other rooms in the hospital, mine had no pictures, no posters, nothing that would differentiate my room from anyone else’s. Even the bed next to mine was empty. The hospital was under-capacity and the staff didn’t have a roommate for me yet. I wasn’t allowed most things other patients had because I was still considered a suicide risk.

Would Jayden notice how bleak everything looked and realize that I was a suicidal? Would he care? He was from the outside, after all. Being with someone who was so depressed might freak him out. The thought of explaining my drab surroundings caused a hole to form in the pit of my stomach.

He popped one eye open and looked at me, assessing. “You could’ve gotten hurt pretty bad back there, you know. Promise me that the next time a fight breaks, you’ll get out of the room.”

It was odd to have someone show so much concern for my well-being. It felt kind of…nice. I leaned back and blinked up at his bright, blue eyes, suddenly hyper-aware of our closeness. Not only did his scent calm my frazzled nerves, but the feel of his hard body pressed up against mine made me warm all over. As my skin heated, something fluttered inside my lower abdomen, and the hollow feeling inside started to recede.

I nodded my promise. He closed his eyes and exhaled. Tension left his shoulders as he squeezed my body closer to his.

“Thank you.” He closed his eyes and let out a long breath.

Part of me knew that it was a little odd to have him still hold me. The danger had passed and we were alone. I wasn’t a tiny girl. It couldn’t have been easy for him to hold my weight for so long. Yet he made no move to put me down, and I was reluctant to have him let me go. It felt nice being cradled in his arms. Safe.

I traced his profile with my gaze. Jayden was gorgeous in a guy-next-door sort of way. Thick hair fell in soft layers across his temples. He had day-old scruff along his jaw and wore a small stud earring in one ear. All of that paled in comparison to the long scar on his temple, however. His hair covered most of it. If I wasn’t so close to him, I never would have seen it. It was…fascinating. I wanted to reach out and touch it, but was afraid that my movement might break the quiet comfort that surrounded us.

He opened his eyes. I jerked back from his gaze like a kid with her hand caught in the cookie jar.

Something indefinable flashed through his features as he straightened. “Oh shit, I’m sorry.”

He lowered my body, inching it down over his rock-hard abs until my feet hit the floor. He felt good rubbing up next to my skin, too good. I stood there, gripping his shoulders, not quite ready to let him go.

“I shouldn’t be here. It isn’t allowed,” he murmured more to himself than to me.

I held my body still and willed him to stay. He was right, of course. The boys’ and girls’ bedrooms were in separate halls. They were strictly off limits to the opposite sex. Visitors weren’t allowed back here at all. They were kept in the common rooms and the waiting areas downstairs.

He was a visitor. That explained why he was so full of life. He wasn’t confined in this hell hole. Jayden was free and working for my mother. Why was it so hard for me to remember that? I had to try, however. If my mother thought that she could manipulate me from outside the hospital, then she was mistaken.

I started to pull away, but his grip tightened and held me in place. He ran his fingers along my cheek as he met my gaze. “Things will calm down soon and they’ll be checking rooms to make sure people are safe.” He shifted his gaze to my lips. “We’ll both get in trouble if they find me here.”

No kidding. Yet, despite knowing this, despite knowing that he worked for my parents, I didn’t want him to go. Heat slid down through my center and settled between my thighs. I slipped my fingers along his neck and became aware of how the bulge in his jeans pressed up against my lower abdomen.

He inhaled a ragged breath and moistened his lips. “Don’t leave this room until the staff has things under control, okay?”

I nodded, unable to speak. Tension crackled between us. It was odd, this instant connection. I was probably feeling the after-shock of the near-death experience in the common area. Still, there was something genuine about Jayden, something different from the other patients and staff in this place. It lowered my defenses and made me want to be genuine, too.

My heartbeat quickened as he lowered his hand and wrapped it around my waist. For the first time in a long time, I felt alive, really alive.

He moved his fingers along my lower back, stimulating my skin until my whole body melted against him. “I mean it, Lucy. Both Flynn and Nesto have good hearts, but that won’t prevent them from hurting you if you get in the way.”

Hearing him say my name felt like a caress. What he did back in the common area was heroic and sexy-as-hell. I could really use a hero in my life, someone to purge the past and save me from my private hell.

“This is serious.” Jayden gripped my upper arms and eased me away from his chest. He steeled his jaw for a moment, then relaxed his grip. “You don’t know how it works around here, do you?”

Works around here? I stared at him, uncomprehending. Wasn’t he a volunteer, an outsider? How did he know the rules in a place like this? Unless all volunteers were given some sort of training session before interacting with the patients. Then again, Nesto and Flynn seemed to know him. Perhaps he was a regular volunteer at the hospital and Howlistic Healers was just a side gig.

Damn it, everything was happening so fast. I couldn’t think. Who was this guy standing in my room, and why did he seem to care what happened to me? I wasn’t the type of person someone cared about. He had to have some ulterior motive, but what?

Jayden made a low, frustrated noise and began to pace. He ticked off rules on his fingers as he walked. “The point system. The Confinement Ward. Sedation Therapy.” He stopped and raised his brows. “Is any of this familiar?”

I didn’t know much beyond earning points for walks in the courtyard and fancy coffee. Dr. Polanski had never mentioned Sedation Therapy or the Confinement Ward before. They sounded like things I wanted to stay away from. I shook my head.

He raked his fingers through his hair and resumed pacing. “I can’t believe no one showed you.” He stopped walking and waved his arms in the air. “How long have you been here—three days?”

I opened my mouth to answer, but he was already moving on. “Dr. Polanski must have gotten sidetracked with the dogs.” He shook his head and started walking once more. “You need to know how things work around here before you get yourself in trouble.”

Trouble like Nesto and Flynn? I wanted to ask, but Jayden rushed on before I could form the words.

“I’ll have to show you, but not now.” He stopped and pressed his ear against the door. “They at least gave you a schedule, right?”

I nodded and pointed to the paper on the dresser.

“Good.” He closed the distance between us and brushed a stray lock of hair from my face. “Follow it to the letter, and try to participate, if you can. We won’t be able to chat in the morning, because they like to keep the men and women separate for one-on-ones and group. It will have to be afternoon, then.”

The man was positively amazing. How did he manage to talk so fast? How could he be so full of life in a place where the people looked half-dead?

Jayden turned away and pressed his ear to the door once more. “Tomorrow, after the Rec Therapy session, we’ll talk. You’ll be all right until then?”

I nodded.

“Good.” He closed the distance between us, framed my face with his hands, and kissed my forehead. “Stay safe.”

He let go and stepped back. The look on his face suggested that the spontaneous affection had surprised him as much as it did me. Cool air whispered against my skin, leaving me confused. I swayed on my feet as he opened the door and disappeared into the hallway.

The door closed, and it felt as if the energy had been sucked out of the room. I felt cold and empty without his presence. Things were much too quiet. I rubbed my arms and curled up in my bed, suddenly feeling very much alone.



* * * * *



I was getting ready for dinner, when a knock sounded at my door. My heartbeat quickened and the darkness lifted in my chest. Did Jayden come back? After a quick finger-comb of my hair, I went to answer the door. Elias stood there, a wide grin on his face.

“You got a phone call.”

Phone call? From whom? I thought phone calls weren’t allowed until I had enough points. How many points did I have anyway?

I opened my mouth to ask him these questions, but Elias had already started down the hall. I followed him past the common room to a small place just off the reception area.

“The communications room,” Elias explained. There were rows of tables, each with two old-fashioned corded phones on them. Patients sat at various intervals, talking in hushed tones to loved ones on the other line. I immediately picked out the big, burly patient from this morning. Thank goodness he was sitting at a table with no free phones. He looked up at me as I passed and I caught a glimpse of the wildness in his golden eyes. His eyebrow twitched, and he scowled. I edged closer to the staff members along the perimeter as he started mumbling to himself in a language I didn’t understand.

“You’ve showed up to enough meetings to earn you points for this phone call.” Elias grinned as he motioned to one of the tables. “You have ten minutes. Then I’ll take you to dinner.”

I stared at the empty seat, unsure. On the other end of that phone sat someone from my past. I didn’t know if I wanted to talk to them.

“Come on, sit.”

I did as Elias instructed. He patted me on the back and moved away, presumably to get a different patient for another phone call. I moistened my lips and turned back to the receiver as questions filled my head.

Who on Earth could be calling me? It couldn’t possibly be my mother. She’d make some big show out of seeing her daughter. What was the point in visiting if she couldn’t broadcast her good deed on the evening news? No, it had to be someone else, but who?

I wiped the sweat from my palms on my jeans and picked up the receiver.

“Hello?”

“Hey Lucy, it’s Mia. How’s it going?”

“Fine.”

“Are you up for a visit?”

I glanced around at the other patients, murmuring into their phones. “Not yet.” I wasn’t sure if I could handle Mia coming here. She and Bethany were my best friends, and a part of my old life.

“Oh,” she sounded disappointed, and I felt bad for refusing her visit. Still, I didn’t think I was ready to face her just yet. After the accident, Mia had grieved and put the whole incident behind her. I was jealous of how she managed to hold everything together and live her life. Then again, she wasn’t there that night. She didn’t know what really happened. I did.

“Perhaps some other time, then.”

“Yeah.”

“Do you have time to talk?”

“A little.”

She updated me on Jack and Kirsten, Molly, Derek and Denise. As she chatted about their love lives, jobs, vacations and accomplishments, I felt an odd sense of detachment. This would have been my life, if not for the accident.

The hollowness in the pit of my stomach returned. If Kyle was still alive, would we have been living together after graduation and starting our new life together? How different things would have been if my greatest concern was passing anatomy class and not being trampled by mental patients in the middle of a psychotic episode.

I had lost so much that night, so damn much. At least you’re not dead.

I might as well be dead. To this day, I don’t know why the fates chose to take Kyle and Bethany and not me. Why not me?

A lump formed in my throat as I realized the life I once had was gone. There was nothing more to live for.

“…and so that’s how I ended up in the psyche department.”

Mia’s words snapped me back to the present. “What?”

There was a brief moment of silence. “Is something wrong?”

“What? No. Of course not.”

“Oh, have you heard anything I’ve said at all?”

“Sort of.” Mia meant well, but her words felt like a knife in my chest. It was too painful to hear about how well everyone was doing. It was as if all of my former friends had moved on. I was but a hiccup in their lives. Kyle and Bethany’s death had meant nothing. I had meant nothing.

“I-I’m in med school now. I want to be a psychiatrist.”

A psychiatrist? Good Lord. Mia had always been flighty. Back when we were freshmen, she had changed her major three times before settling on biology. Then, when they had to dissect a frog for physiology, she was sick for a week. Soon after that, she switched to sociology. She never struck me as the type who would voluntarily go to graduate school. She always seemed anxious for the whole college ordeal to be over with.

Now she wanted to become a psychiatrist. Fantastic.

“I took the MCATs last summer. I didn’t tell you because…you know.”

Yeah, I knew. I was in the hospital, getting the last of my father’s Vicodin pumped from my stomach.

“And you passed?” I asked.

“Don’t sound so shocked.” Mia laughed. “It’s incredible, isn’t it? I feel like I’ve found my true calling.”

Lovely. Just…lovely. While I’ve been popping antidepressants like candy, Mia not only got her life back together, but found her ‘true calling’. I didn’t think it was possible to feel more depressed than I did during Rec Therapy. I was wrong.

“So I’m taking the usual med school classes. It’s amazing how much schooling you need to go through.”

I half-listened to her talk about med school, residency and certification, until something she said gave me pause.

“Can you say that again?”

Mia hesitated. “Lucy, is something going on? You can tell me.”

I rolled my eyes. The last thing I needed was for Mia to practice all of her psychology mumbo jumbo on me.

“I’m fine.” I glanced around. “Just a little distracted.”

“Oh, well. Okay. As long as you’re sure you’re all right.”

“I’m sure.”

Mia sighed. “So, as I was saying, I need some work experience for my degree program. Newton Heights runs an internship program and I was wondering if you could put in a good word for me with Dr. Polanski.”

I tightened my grip on the phone until my knuckles turned white. Was that all this phone call was? A plea for an internship?

“It would really help me out a great deal. We could hang out and have fun, like old times.”

“It’s not like that here. There are schedules and rules.” Mia was part of my past. Having her here would be a constant reminder of everything I had lost.

“Oh, I know about the schedules and stuff. But I thought…I don’t know. I’d get to fulfill some of my credits without taking classes and we could see more of each other.”

I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. She didn’t care about me, she wanted a f*cking internship.

“I don’t think that’s a good idea,” I said.

The silence was deafening. “Why do you keep pushing me away? I thought we were friends.”

“I have to go.” Tears filled my eyes. I blinked them back and started to lower the receiver. “Dinner and all.”

“Okay. It’s just—Lucy?”

The crack in her voice gave me pause. I placed the receiver back at my ear. “Yeah?”

“You aren’t the only one hurting, you know.”

The line hung up, and the dial tone filled my ear. I replaced the receiver and stared at the small, red phone, not quite believing what I had just heard. An internship.

She was lying, she had to be. How could Mia be hurting when she had everything so together? She wasn’t even there. The night of the fraternity party, she had the flu and was puking in our dorm room. She didn’t see what I had seen. God, those memories, all of that blood… It would haunt me for the rest of my life.

Mia couldn’t possibly know what I was going through. She was manipulating me for that internship, that’s all. She’d do anything to get ahead—just like my parents. In fact, all of my friends had been the same. Nothing about our lives was real. Everything was a game to get a better job, more money or more status. It was disgusting, and made me realize just how empty my life had been.

It also made me aware of just how alone I was in the world.

Tears streamed down my face as I looked up from the phone to see the big, burly patient staring at me. He looked so intense and frightening. What the hell was his problem, anyway?

I got up from my table and rushed back to my room. I didn’t care about dinner anymore. All I wanted was to get out of this place, to run far away and never come back.

But I was never getting out, was I? It was too convenient for my parents to leave me here to rot. As long as I stayed behind the hospital doors, I’d be out of the headlines. They could continue their lives uninterrupted and unhindered. Their daughter would cease to be an embarrassment.

Oh God, I was never going to leave this place, ever.

Fresh tears flowed down my cheeks as I stumbled into my room and slammed the door. Memories flooded my mind of the night it all started, the night I had lost two of my best friends in the world.

Now I had lost Mia, too.