Hollow (Perfect Little Pieces)

chapter Three



The next afternoon, I was back in the common area, joining all of the other good worker bees for our daily ‘Recreational Therapy’. Part of me considered blowing it off, but then I remembered that I was supposed to meet Jayden after the session and changed my mind. His calming presence was just what I needed after the phone call with Mia.

It was eerie how much everything was the same as yesterday. My old bench had been replaced with a new one, and Dr. Polanski’s color of the day was pink instead of purple, but other than those two things, not much had changed.

Jayden wasn’t there, of course. It was almost as if he, Flynn and Nesto had never existed.

Patients milled about and chatted in low voices, waiting for the session to start. The big, burly patient with wild eyes was walking laps around the perimeter of the room with another patient. He didn’t seem to notice me, thank goodness. I watched him and his friend out of the corner of my eye. There was something about him that scared the daylights out of me. It was almost as if some animal was living inside of him, and every so often it would try to get out.

I pressed my body closer to the wall as the pair approached. Thankfully, big and burly was too caught up in the conversation to notice me. I overheard some of their words they passed.

“Did you hear? Martinez got put into the Confinement Ward yesterday.”

“Damn shame. I suppose we won’t see him for a while, then.” Big and burley’s low rumble set my nerve endings on edge.

“Poor Flynn. He and Martinez were close.”

“Poor nothing. That bastard’s guilty.”

“You think so?”

“You know what he’s like. Besides, no one else would be crazy enough to take something from Nesto. That boy’s a bomb waiting to explode.”

“Jayden would. That guy’s fearless…”

At that point they moved out of earshot. I sat forward, straining my ears for any nugget of information that might tell me who Jayden was, or what he was doing at the hospital. Unfortunately, they had moved too far away from me, and I couldn’t keep listening to the conversation without being obvious.

I let out a long breath and leaned back on the bench until my head rested against the wall. After everything that had happened, I still knew very little about Jayden. How did he know my name and where my bedroom was located? Why was he at the hospital in the first place?

Questions filled my mind as I turned back to the window and watched a reporter adjust his camera outside the fence. Within moments, a security guard appeared and shooed him away. As the reporter left, Dr. Polanski took her place at the front of the room and cleared her throat.

“Welcome, everyone. We are fortunate that the Howlistic Healers were able to meet with us again today…”

I scanned the volunteers and dogs as they entered the room, looking for Jayden. I was just about to give up looking when I saw him walking in with one of the dogs. He stopped with the other volunteers along the wall and scanned the room as if looking for something—or someone.

I let out a long breath and sagged against the bench. Damn. So much had happened yesterday, I was hoping that I was mistaken about the Howlistic Healer emblem on Jayden’s shirt. If he was just some random volunteer, not part of my parents’ charity, then perhaps there would have been a chance for us.

But no. Jayden was just another one of my parents’ employees. Well, actually my mother’s employee, since my father had mostly retired and deferred to my mother in most things.

Jayden was probably assigned to send my parents information about me. That was why he took me back to my room yesterday. He was trying to gain my trust so that I’d confide in him. Then he’d tell my mother all my secrets, and she’d have what she needed to manipulate me into doing whatever she wanted. F*ck.

Disappointment stabbed my chest, and tears filled my eyes. Yesterday, Jayden’s presence had made me feel protected and cherished. Today his presence made me feel foolish. I should have known better than to trust him, to hope…

Damn you, Mother. Planting spies in a mental institution was a new low. I was so sick of being used. It hurt too damn much. I glanced at the clock on the wall and frowned when I realized it was another ninety minutes until pill time. What I wouldn’t give to feel hollow once more…

Something cold and wet brushed against my fingers. I jerked back toward the wall and blinked at the golden fur next to my hand. It was one of the Howlistic mutts. Lovely. I frowned and glanced back at the circle. It had been disrupted. The same number of dogs was present today as yesterday, and patients stood in small groups with other staff members, petting and talking to the animals.

“Hey beautiful.” Jayden approached from out of thin air and sat next to me. He ran his hand along the dog’s back. “She seems to like you.”

His greeting took me off guard. Did he really think I was beautiful? His words filled the dark hole in my chest. My cheeks started to heat. Shit, was I blushing? Not cool. I quickly looked away from his gaze and glanced at his shirt. Sure enough, he was wearing the same logo’d polo that the rest of the volunteers wore. Part of me wanted to get up and storm away. He was my mother’s lackey, and anything I told him would be used against me. Another part of me wanted him to stay. He was so full of life. I was drawn to that like a moth to light. And he did save me from the chaos yesterday…

“Her name’s Spirit.” Jayden reached over and scratched Spirit behind the ear as if nothing had happened. And indeed, nothing had happened on the surface, but something in the air changed. There was this undercurrent of tension that I had trouble defining. I wanted to both hug him and slap him, to walk away and to stay.

Jayden winked. “I know this place seems rather daunting, but you get used to it soon enough. After a while, it feels a little like home.”

Home? Hardly. I doubted that anywhere would ever feel like home again. Home was for families who cared about one another. Nobody cared about me. Even Mia was using me to get a stupid internship.

Jayden twisted his handsome lips into a half-smile. “Why don’t you say ‘hi’ to her?”

As if on cue, something nudged my hand. I looked down at the dog panting at my side. The golden retriever was cute enough, but I wasn’t going to be easily swayed. I frowned and turned back to Jayden, preferring to stare into those wonderful eyes rather than spend time with something that reminded me of my past.

“You don’t talk much, do you?” He leaned back on the bench. “Ever since Dr. Polanski introduced you on the first day, you’ve been mute.”

Fear stabbed my chest. He was there on the first day? That must be how he learned my name. How did I not see him? He was like a beacon of light in this dark and dreary place. Then again, I had been rather self-absorbed as of late.

“It’s okay. I understand. This place isn’t exactly best for meaningful conversation, anyway.” Jayden made a clicking noise with his mouth. Spirit rushed over and put her paws in his lap. Jayden murmured affectionate phrases as he scratched the dog behind the ears.

With his attention switched to the dog, some of the tension in my chest eased. No, I didn’t talk. I hardly strung more than three words together since the day my parents found me full of Vicodin at the bottom of their pool. The only exception was my conversation with Mia last night, and that was because she had caught me off guard.

My silence had started out as a rebellion to my parents’ refusal to acknowledge my problem. Now silence just felt comfortable, like a well-loved pair of slippers.

What was the point of talking, really? No one understood me. No one even tried anymore.

“She’s just a pup and still full of energy. I’ve been working with her for a few days now and was hoping to show her to you yesterday, before…” Jayden’s stilled his tapered fingers in the golden fur. “Well, you know.”

Yeah, before the session was disrupted and Jayden swooped me out of harm’s way like some savior sent to me from above. Well played, Mother. She had managed to choose someone both handsome and caring, two of my biggest weaknesses. How much were my parents paying him to watch over me? Did he have any idea that, like me, he was being manipulated?

Knowing my parents had Jayden under their thumb made me feel connected to him. We were both pawns in their political games. Disposable, and often sacrificed for the greater good. What a terrible thing to have in common.

A fluttering rippled through my lower abdomen as he resumed petting the mutt. I imagined those fingers dancing lightly over my arms, my sides, my legs…

Good Lord, what was wrong with me? I wasn’t the type who did stuff like that anymore. I wasn’t allowed to have such feelings. I didn’t deserve them.

The dog tried to lick his face, which only made Jayden chuckle and scratch more. They looked so happy together, as though they were made for each other. Then again, I suspected that anyone would feel comfortable around a man like him. He had this kind of presence about him hinting that he’d be easy to talk to. He also had this confidence, as if he could take on the world with one arm tied behind his back and win. His energy fascinated me. How could he be so damn cheerful with so much despair around him?

Spirit, wanting more attention, placed a paw on my foot.

“Go on, pet her.” He leaned in close until his lips hovered just above my ear. “You’ll score points with the staff.”

I blinked at Jayden then turned to the dog. Oh, what the hell. Despite what Dr. Polanski thought, petting a dog wasn’t going to give me some deep insight into my character or break down my walls. The dog was just that, a dog. One scratch behind the ear, and my part in the therapy session would be over with. I might even gain enough points for a trip to the visitor’s café downstairs where I could buy a decent cup of coffee, not the watered-down stuff served during mealtimes.

Slowly I reached out and ran my fingers through the dog’s fur. It felt smooth and silky to the touch, not like the ratty old animals my parents often defended in Washington. Whoever owned this dog took great care of her.

Spirit nuzzled my leg, begging for more attention. I gave it to her, and for a moment, the world around me began to fade away. I’d loved animals once. Sometimes I felt as if I related to them better than humans. What would it feel like to be this dog—so innocent and unaware of the horrors in this world? Unaware of your own shortcomings?

“I think she likes you.”

I looked up from the animal and met Jayden’s gaze. His eyes sparkled as his lips turned into a half-smile. I was surprised to discover that I was smiling, too.

“I like you, too.” His grin was warm and inviting. It tugged at my chest and unraveled the last of the tightness. The man was like a ray of sunshine—better than most healthy people I knew. How the hell did he end up here? Did he have a passion for helping the depressed or something?

He glanced over his shoulder at the gathering crowd. “You know what else I like?”

I shook my head. Something fluttered in my stomach as he leaned forward until his lips hovered inches above my ear.

“I like it when you let your guard down and just be yourself,” he whispered.

The fluttering in my stomach intensified. He leaned back and studied my face until my cheeks started to heat. “You’re so lovely, Lucy. It’s such a shame that you feel you need to sit in the corner.”

“I like the corner.” The words came out before I could stop them. I couldn’t seem to break free from this man’s spell. The blue in his eyes called to me, just as the pool water had called to me that day I took the Vicodin. The difference was that while Jayden’s eyes held the color of life, the pool offered the numbness of death.

His smile widened. “You’d like it better if you sat in the group, I bet. You shouldn’t feel like you’re alone here.” He reached out and pushed a stray hair from my face. I held my breath as his eyes darkened and his hand hovered over my skin. He shifted his gaze to my mouth.

My heartbeat quickened. Normally I shied away from all physical contact, but with Jayden it was different. I wanted him to touch me. If a little bit of his color, his life, could transfer from his skin to mine, then perhaps it could slip inside my body and fill the hollowness inside my chest.

He leaned in closer, and I closed my eyes as anticipation rippled over my skin.

“Mr. McCray.”

Jayden jerked away, and the emptiness inside of me grew. Dr. Polanski stood in front of us with her hands on her hips.

Jayden cleared his throat and grinned at the doctor. “Hey, beautiful.”

Beautiful? But…wasn’t that what he called me earlier—beautiful?

Dr. Polanski crossed her arms and frowned. “I’ve told you to use my name.”

“I only speak the truth.”

“Such a charmer.” She chuckled to herself and shook her head. “Nesto has been asking for you.”

Jayden grin faltered. He raised his brows. “Really?”

She nodded. “Go get Elias. He’ll take you back to your room. I’ll be there in a few minutes with your medication and then we can go to see him together.” She glanced at me. “I need to speak with Lucy first.”

Jayden turned to me and hesitated. I could tell from his expression that he had just remembered his promise to spend more time with me this afternoon. “There’s a ping-pong tournament after dinner. I’ll meet you there, okay?”

I nodded because there was nothing else I could do. Something about the doctor’s gaze made me nervous. I felt as if my world had started spinning out of control. A tightness enveloped my chest as I watched Jayden leave the room.

Dr. Polanski dropped into the seat next to me and studied my face. “Jayden hasn’t made any sexual advances toward you, has he?”

That was a little personal, wasn’t it? I cautiously shook my head. Even if something had happened between us, I wouldn’t dream of getting him in trouble with the doctor.

“Good.” She patted my leg. “I know that you’re still new to all of this, but Jayden knows we have a strict policy against dating while in the ward. It’s just too emotional for most patients to handle.”

I cleared my throat as an uneasy feeling settled in my chest. “Is Jayden going to be okay? I heard Nesto can be dangerous.”

My question had caught her off guard. She was probably surprised that I had strung so many words together. She studied me for a moment before speaking. “He’ll be fine, I’m sure. Nesto gets troubled sometimes, and when he gets like that, he’ll only listen to Jayden and Flynn. Sometimes we use them to help in his recovery.”

“Why?” Normally I wasn’t so bold, but anything concerning Jayden interested me.

The doctor’s features softened. “All three of them arrived here about a year ago.” The doctor turned toward the door where Jayden just left. “They came from a separate hospital where budget cuts forced their treatment program to be cut.” Dr. Polanski sighed. “All three were quite a mess when they came in. We almost lost Jayden that first day.”

“Lost him?” My lungs constricted more as one thought kept echoing in my brain. He was a mental patient, not a volunteer. Then why was he wearing the Howlistic Healer shirt? What was wrong with him? I thought back to the outburst between Nesto and Flynn yesterday. If they were all friends, it was reasonable to believe that Jayden made spectacles such as that, too. He’s sick, like me. How deep did his illness run? How could I miss something so big?

The doctor smiled. “I can’t talk about the specifics of his case with you, of course.”

Of course. I looked down at my hands in my lap as my heart thudded against my chest. But he seemed so normal. It was hard to think when every breath was a struggle. I tried to calm myself, but it was difficult.

“All I can say is that you should be careful around someone like Jayden. He’s charming and protective and that can be comforting when you are adjusting to new surroundings.” The doctor stood. “Just remember, every patient here is working through some sort of issue and is fragile. That includes you.”

My mouth ran dry as the ache in my chest intensified. Was this really what it sounded like? Was the doctor giving me a warning?

“Romantic relationships could hinder your treatment and prevent you from getting well. It’s much better to focus on your own recovery first.” She gathered her clipboard. “If I see you two together like that again, I’ll have no choice but to start taking privileges away.”

My temples began to throb and my breath came out in short gasps. My mom was using mental patients to spy on me. Not just any mental patients, but gorgeous mental patients who made me feel special. But I wasn’t really special to Jayden, was I? After all, he just called the doctor beautiful. He probably called the dog that, too.

Why was it so hard to breathe?

“It’s for your own good, you understand of course—Lucy?” The doctor frowned. “Lucy, look at me.”

I raised my gaze and saw the worry in the doctor’s eyes.

“We have a situation.” Dr. Polanski turned toward the small group of staff members, gossiping in the corner. “I need some Lorazepam. Stat.”

My chest tightened some more. Oh God, what was happening? I stared at the flurry of activity around me, unable to move. Why did my chest hurt so much? Why was it difficult to breathe? I gasped in large gulps of air but couldn’t fill my lungs. It felt like my heart was going a mile a minute.

Suddenly Dr. Polanski knelt in front of me and took my hand. “It’s okay honey. Here.” She pressed a little blue pill in my hand. “Put this under your tongue. It will help ease the pain.”

I did what I was told. The doctor smiled and rubbed my knee. “Good. That’s it. Now count with me to ten. One…”

I focused on the doctor and counted. By the time I got to five, the tightness in my chest began to ease. By seven, my breathing started to even out. By ten, I started to relax. The pain was still there, but at least I could function.

“Good. That’s it.” The doctor stood and mumbled something to one of the staff. “One of the staff members is going to take you back to your room now. I want you to get some rest. You’ve had a busy day. We can talk about this more in your one-on-one session tomorrow morning, okay?”

I didn’t want to go to any more therapy sessions, nor did I want to see anyone in this damn hospital ever again. Instead, I wanted to curl up in a ball and sink into the deep, hollow hole in my chest.

Suddenly I felt very drained. A male nurse took my arm and helped me to stand. Every step I took closer to my room left me feeling more tired and confused. After the door closed, I crawled up onto the bed and closed my eyes. The pill’s mind-numbing fog had already begun to fill my head. I went over the afternoon’s activities with a sense of detachment, as if I was a scientist observing bugs under a microscope.

Jayden couldn’t be all bad, could he? After all, he had made me feel something other than grief and pain. That was a rare treasure.

I replayed my interactions with Jayden over and over in my mind, but all I kept coming back to was how close he had held me the day before, as if he had needed me as much as I needed him.

Everything was so confusing.

Somehow, I had crossed the line with Dr. Polanski today and didn’t even know it. After what had happened at the Rec Therapy session yesterday, I knew it was probably wise to take Jayden up on his offer to show me how things worked around this place. It was true that he was most likely working for my parents, but I also knew I didn’t want to end up in the Confinement Ward like Nesto. It sounded terrible. No, I’d meet Jayden and let him show me how things worked at the hospital. Then I’d have to break off our friendship. I had to do it for my own sanity. I couldn’t keep questioning every word, every touch, wondering if he did things because he wanted to or because he was directed by my mother.

Resolved, I let my thoughts drift and the medication take control. It was another hour until dinner, then another forty-five minutes until the ping-pong tournament. Hopefully by then, I’ll have my wits about me enough to learn how to cope in this place. It was so different from my former life. Could I possibly adjust to all of the chaos and rules? I thought of how the hospital staff had treated Flynn and Nesto and knew that I had no choice but to try to adapt to my new life.