I began to cry. I didn’t know why - I wasn’t sad. On the contrary, the huge tree in front of me filled my heart with joy, so much that I felt incapable of holding it all in. I was outside, I was free if only for a moment, and this tree stretched out above me, making the whole world of humans seem utterly ridiculous and insignificant.
Gav didn’t try to comfort me. He didn’t touch me, and we walked in silence the whole way back to the house. I felt so calm, as though nothing mattered, not even the mess I’d created for myself. Nothing mattered, because those trees would keep on growing forever, long after I was dead and gone. They would keep being beautiful.
At the front door, I paused and turned to look back once at the waving pines. He held the door open for me patiently.
I looked up at him. His eyes were calm like the ocean. I didn’t know how to tell him that he’d given me the best present I’d ever received. I didn’t know how to tell him what I’d realized.
Instead, I leaned forward on tiptoe and kissed him gently on the lips.
The first time I’d kissed him, he had kissed me back deeply. This time, though, he let me guide the kiss, and when I stepped back he didn’t press any farther.
“Thank you,” I whispered, and went inside.
Gav
What was she doing to me, this girl? I did not know whether to trust her when she kissed me. My plan had been to seduce her, but now that it seemed to be happening I was completely lost. I didn’t like how it made me feel - like I cared whether or not her feelings for me were real.
That night, she made dinner and I poured us both glasses of wine. She smiled brightly and drank, and we talked the way I imagine normal people talk. She asked to go upstairs and read, and I let her go without following her. The kitchen seemed so empty without her there.
Afterward, I went for a walk. Outside, the stars shone. I liked it out here, far away from the city. The bright pinpricks of light were brighter, here. They drove away the shadow.
She had driven away the shadow, too, though. On our walk, I’d seen the world through her eyes, and the shadow hadn’t come back, not even afterward, not until later when I’d left her alone.
No. I couldn’t become dependent on her for that. I had never been dependent on anyone.
But she is yours, my mind said. To do with as you want.
The reminder only made the hurt worse. I did not want to force her to love me. Even this deception… it made my stomach twist in a strange way. Whenever people talked about feeling guilty, this was what I imagined they felt. The twisting inside, the tightness in the chest. I had never felt it before, and I did not want to feel it now.
The shadow fluttered at the edges of my mind, but she was more of a distraction to me now.
I went back inside. She was asleep, a book fallen half-finished by her side. I replaced the bookmark and lay down next to her sleeping body. I would not wake her up to tie her wrists to the bedposts. Not tonight. She looked so peaceful.
Maybe in the morning, before I left to go make my visit.
I put an arm around her protectively. To protect her, or to protect me? I did not know the answer to that question anymore.
CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
Kat
Gav was right about one thing - his wine selection was incredible. The Syrah he’d picked out for dinner had paired perfectly with the steak, and I’d drunk two full glasses before I realized it. He only smiled and flooded my glass again, and the smile made my heart skip a beat.
I was sure that he wanted to get me drunk to do… whatever it was he wanted to do to me. But when I’d asked, he let me go back upstairs to read and left me alone for hours. Strange. He was so strange. And the wine had made me so sleepy. I passed out before he came upstairs.
When I woke up the next morning, he was nowhere to be seen. The room was dim; facing west, the sun’s light wouldn’t come in until the afternoon. Only a thin gray light illuminated the walls. And my hands were tied up to the bedposts with the same red rope as before. My ankles were free, though.
My pulse pounded. What had he done to me?
Looking down frantically, I saw that I was dressed the same way I had been last night. My underwear was still on, and from what I could tell, he hadn’t touched me at all.
Why?
Although it should have made me feel better, this realization actually shot panic through my system. It was strange that he had gotten me drunk and then tied me up and then done… nothing. I didn’t know if I’d wanted him to or not. But that he hadn’t bothered to wake me up disturbed me for a reason I couldn’t put my finger on.
“Gav?”
I waited to make sure he wasn’t just in the bathroom, but there was no response.
The bathroom. I had to go to the bathroom. As soon as I realized it, the urge to pee hit me even harder. I’d drunk way too much wine last night, and if he wasn’t around to let me out, I was going to pee the bed.
I yelled a bit louder, to carry my voice downstairs. Surely he wouldn’t have left me tied up without letting me go to the bathroom.
“Gav!”
Nothing.
I twisted my body, curling my body close together. My feet could reach the knots if I stretched, I bet. I could even escape, if he was gone. Maybe he was gone. But where would he—