“Hmm.”
I sipped my tea and waited for an explanation.
“You’re a smart girl, Cadence.”
“Where are you going with this?”
“Where are you going with this?” she asked.
I sighed. “It’s probably better he broke up with me. I’m a Christian and he’s not. I was having sex when I shouldn’t have been. I was doing everything wrong. I’m a terrible Christian.”
“You are?”
“You know I am!” I cried. “I might as well not even be one anymore!”
Silence.
“Cadence? When did you start allowing people to dictate your relationship with God?”
“Huh?”
“You don’t want a relationship with God anymore because other people in your life make you feel like you do everything wrong? Do you realize how silly that is?”
“Well, they’re the experts.”
“Ha! Experts, my ass. I only know one expert.”
“You’re talking about God, aren’t you?” I asked.
“Yes, I am. And maybe you need to be listening to him instead of the people around you. Ever thought of that? I mean, he’s God after all. Don’t you think he’d know a little more than your parents or Gracie or whoever else is making you feel like shit for your choices?”
I was floored.
“Now, back to Mark. I doubt he broke up with you because of the pregnancy scare,” Fanny said.
I was still floored.
“This is something else entirely,” she went on.
I stared at her through bug eyes.
“Cadence, you’re part of this conversation. Speak.”
“Well, um, he mentioned not liking feeling out of control all the time,” I said. “I don’t really understand what he means. He never seemed out of control to me.”
“Maybe you made him feel too much,” Fanny said.
“Is that bad?” I asked, stirring my tea.
“For some people it is,” Fanny explained.
“Then why did he go after me?”
“Maybe he didn’t understand how much he’d feel for you,” Fanny said. “Maybe he thought he could control it. Or control you.”
I tensed. “I don’t like that, Fanny.”
“Hey, I’m just putting it out there. He is ten years older than you, Cadence. Maybe he thought it would be the kind of relationship where you submitted to him.”
“I don’t understand,” I said.
Fanny drew in her breath. “I don’t know this man. I only know that he’s good with fixing things around the house and that you love him.”
I smiled reluctantly.
“Sip,” Fanny ordered, and I obliged her by bringing the teacup to my lips. “He obviously needs to feel like he’s in control. Perhaps that’s why he went after someone so young.”
I bristled. Fanny saw it.
“Calm down. We all have issues, Cadence. Just because you dated him and still love him doesn’t mean you have to make everyone around you believe he’s perfect. No one in the whole damn world is perfect.”
“Isn’t that the truth,” I muttered.
“Something happened to him, and that’s why he’s a control freak. He started feeling out of control with you, and I think that brought up some painful shit from his past. So it was easier to end it than work through it.”
“Are you, like, a therapist or something?” I asked.
“No, I’ve just lived a while,” Fanny replied. “Sip.”
I brought the cup to my lips automatically.
“I also think he loves you very much and never really wanted to break up with you.”
“And why do you think that?”
“Because, honey. Why would anyone want to break your heart?”
“You said people hurt each other all the time. That butterflies die and that’s when breakups happen,” I reminded her.
“No, Cadence. I’m not talking about butterflies. I’m talking about you. Why would anyone want to break your heart?”
I had no idea. I didn’t think I was the perfect girlfriend, but I thought I was a good one. I thought I was a good one because I loved him.
I shook my head and took another sip.
Mr. Connelly broke up with me two days before Valentine’s Day. I realized I’d have to put on one hell of a show today to hide my humiliation and hurt. Red and white heart balloons clogged the hallways Friday morning. The front office was attacked by bouquets of every color rose. Students delivered candy grams throughout the day, interrupting class and causing jealousies among the girls. I was no exception, but I hid my jealousy in my heart where no one could see.
Math class was a complete waste of time. Mr. Connelly didn’t teach. He passed out practice sheets instead, and we worked in groups of three.
Jacob walked up to me and placed a single pink rose on my desk.
“What’s this?” I asked, picking up the flower.
“You’ve looked a little sad since yesterday. I thought you might like a rose to cheer you up,” he replied. “Wanna work together on this practice sheet?”
I nodded. “Thank you for the rose. I’m sure the rumors are already starting,” I said, glancing around the room. A few students looked curious, but most paid no attention.
“Would it bother you?” he asked, taking a seat beside me.
“What?” I replied. “Rumors of us being together?”
He nodded.
“No.” I mostly said it so that I wouldn’t hurt Jacob’s feelings. But there was a tiny part of me that really did not care. Then again, I didn’t care much about anything. Certainly not this worksheet in front of me. “I don’t really feel like doing this.”
“Oh. You want me to go?”
I chuckled. “No. You can stay. We can talk.”
Jacob looked surprised. “Cool. Well, what do you wanna talk—”