“Yes, sir.”
He nodded. “What will you girls do?”
“Go to the mall.”
Dad chuckled. “I know you girls love the mall.”
I nodded.
“What else?” Mom asked encouragingly.
“Go to a movie.” I didn’t even know what I was saying. I just said stuff.
“Do you need some money?” Dad asked.
“No, sir.”
“Do you feel like passing out programs this Sunday?” he asked.
“Yes, sir.”
Silence for a few seconds.
“May I be excused?” I asked. I was positive my parents would say no. They always said no whenever I asked for anything unless it had to do with Avery. I realized I should have said, “May I be excused so that I can go to Avery’s house?” I jerked my head up at Mom’s response.
“Sure.”
I thought if I stayed a second longer, Mom would change her mind. I bolted from the table for my bedroom. I crawled into bed and burrowed under the covers. I wanted to call him. I wanted to see him. I knew it was because I was eighteen. If I were thirty, I’d probably have more self-respect, or at the least, perspective. He kicked me out of his life, after all, and I didn’t want to react out of desperation. But it was torture not being able to talk to him. And for tonight, I wouldn’t pretend that it wasn’t.
***
The following day at school was the hardest of my life. Much worse than the first day. Even worse than my first day in juvie. I wandered the halls searching for Avery. I couldn’t find her anywhere and panicked. I learned later that she had the flu, and I was on my own.
Calculus was excruciating. I tried to focus. I really did. It’s not that I cared one bit about the material. But I needed to focus on it to distract myself, keep myself from crying hysterically. I glanced at Mr. Connelly just a few times, long enough to see that he had bags under his eyes. His hair was a mess. He sported a crooked tie and wrinkled shirt. He was a disaster, and I hoped his heart mirrored his appearance.
“Mr. Connelly? Are you hung over?” someone asked.
“What?”
“You’re all discombobulated.”
Good word.
“I’m fine. Now back to the problem,” Mr. Connelly snapped, and no one mentioned his appearance again.
I usually ate lunch with Avery, so when she didn’t show up to school, I found myself back at the reject table. It was fitting. I was a reject. I had been rejected. Nicole and Riley knew something was up because they were nice to me. It was pathetic and sweet.
“Wanna split my sub?” Nicole asked as I stared at my lunch tray.
“Hmm?” I replied, looking up. My eyes swam with tears.
“My sub? Mom brought it for me,” she said.
It was a sub from Subway, and if I hadn’t lost my appetite all over again, I might have taken her up on her offer. It smelled divine.
I shook my head.
“Are you sure?” she asked softly.
I nodded and felt the first tear fall.
“Want my cookies?” Riley asked.
“No.”
They were acting like sweet little grandmothers, trying to soothe my hurt with the comfort of food.
“Are you okay?” Nicole asked.
I shook my head, tears streaming. “I’m just having a bad day,” I choked out, then left the table.
I decided I was going to be pathetic and immature because I earned it. But only once. My heart pounded painfully as I opened his classroom door. He looked up from his work, and I saw a slight shake of his head, a silent plea not to make a scene. That wouldn’t shut me up.
“You humiliated me,” I said, closing his door. “You hurt me more than anyone.”
He said nothing. I sobbed unabashedly.
“You used me,” I went on.
“I didn’t,” he said.
“You did,” I insisted. “You took advantage of me because I’m young and stupid!”
“I didn’t, Cadence.”
“Don’t say my name! Don’t ever say my name again!”
He was quiet.
“I hate that I have to see you every day. I hate that I have to be in your class. I hate that you hurt my heart and I can’t fix it.” I paused for a moment. “I hate you. I really really hate you.”
He winced. And then he went back to work. He was cold and heartless, and it made me rage inside. I didn’t know what I expected him to do or say, but I didn’t expect him to go back to his grading. My body moved even as my mind yelled, “Stop!” I thought I would hit him, but I didn’t. I stretched my arms far out in front of me and swept his desk clean. His soda, files, graded papers, ungraded papers, binders, books, laptop. All gone. All dumped on the floor in a messy heap, orange liquid leaking from the can staining papers.
He didn’t react, and I was glad for it. I walked out of his room, trembling from my actions and satisfied that I had the guts to do it. Only the tiniest pinprick in my chest signaled guilt over pushing his laptop to the floor. I’ve no idea why, but as I walked back to my locker, I wondered if I’d broken it and if he’d make me pay for it.
***
“Why?” Fanny asked as she set a cup of tea in front of me.
“You know I don’t like tea,” I said.
“It helps with heart matters, hon,” she replied. “Trust me.”
I didn’t argue. I plopped one sugar cube in my cup and poured in a generous amount of milk.
“He said we were in different places,” I said.
“Well, of course you are! He’s a man and you’re a woman! Is the guy an idiot?”
That made me smile. “He means like life stages and emotional maturity.”
Fanny thought for a moment.
“Okay. So it’s not ideal. There is an age difference, and you are still in high school.”
I nodded.
“But he was fine with that before,” she went on.
“Yeah, before I had a pregnancy scare,” I blurted.
Fanny’s eyes went wide. “Oh, dear.”
I felt the need to explain. “It was one time. One very irresponsible time on both our parts, but I’m not pregnant, so I thought everything was fine.”
Fanny was quiet.
“You think it’s wrong I had sex, right?”
“Why would you think that?” she asked.
“Because I’m a Christian, and Christians aren’t supposed to have sex until they’re married.”
“Is that so?”
I shrugged. “I don’t know. That’s what I’ve been taught.”