My face dropped, and he saw.
“But I can get hard again, Cadence! I didn’t mean that you don’t get me aroused. It’s just, everything you said was more humorous than sexy. Does that hurt your feelings?”
I shook my head and smiled. “No. I’m sorry I’m such an amateur, though.”
“I like you that way. I really do.”
“Honest?”
“Honest to God.”
“Leave God out of this,” I said.
Mark laughed.
“Okay. Lie down.”
He complied. I hooked my fingers around the waistband of his underwear and pulled them down as quickly as I could. He hissed.
“Easy does it, Cadence,” he said. Apparently he got hard again rather quickly because the waistband caught on his penis as I was yanking his underwear down.
I laughed. “Oh man, this is gonna be a learning experience.”
“Are you laughing at my dick?”
“No! I’m laughing at how clumsy I am!”
Mark tucked his hands behind his head and watched my face as I scrutinized him.
“So there you have it,” I said thoughtfully.
“Yep.”
I reached out my hand, letting it hover over his penis. It twitched.
“Oh my God, Mark! It moved!”
“It’ll do that, Cadence.”
“Oh. Okay.”
I wrapped my fingers around him tentatively and just sat there, holding it. He closed his eyes, and I never saw such bliss on another person’s face.
“What am I supposed to do?” I asked softly. I didn’t want to disturb whatever fantasy he had playing through his mind, but I needed to know.
“Nothing, Cadence. Just do exactly what you’re doing,” he whispered.
So I did. I sat there beside him, holding his penis, watching the smile creep over his lips as he daydreamed. And then he opened his eyes and looked at me.
“I’m gonna make love to you now.”
My heart burst in my chest.
“Are you ready?”
I squeezed his penis on instinct.
“Um . . . I think so.”
“Lie down,” he ordered. “It’s gonna hurt, okay? But only for a little bit. Do you trust me?”
I nodded.
Mark buried his face between my legs once more.
“Just making sure you’re still nice and wet,” he said, and I blushed profusely.
After a series of licks and kisses, he hovered over me as I watched him put on a condom.
“I’m gonna hurt you, Cadence. But it’s not because I want to,” he said, steering himself between my legs. He pushed gently, and I felt a completely new sensation. Like my world was opening up to him, but not willingly.
He kissed my cheek and pushed a little farther in.
“Are you okay?” he asked.
I gripped his shoulders hard. He pushed again.
“Ouch.”
“I know.” He trapped my face between his hands and forced me to look at him. “Did I tell you how scared I was the day I cleaned the flour off your hands and face?”
“No.”
“Well—” He moved his hips once more, letting me get used to his size before he thrust all the way. “I knew I was taking a huge risk—”
“Mark . . .”
“And that you might call me out for being completely inappropriate—”
He pushed hard, and I cried. I couldn’t help it. I knew I would cry. I knew it would hurt. God, it really fucking hurt! Girls who say it’s not so bad? Yeah, I’m calling complete bullshit on that!
“—but you didn’t do that at all,” he went on, moving his hips back and forth in a slow, monotonous motion. “You let me, and that’s when I thought that maybe this could work.”
He leaned over and kissed my forehead, and nose, and cheeks, and chin.
“It hurts,” I whimpered, trying hard to ignore the burning between my legs. I’d caught on fire, and he wasn’t putting out the flames. He was stoking them instead, forcing them higher and brighter. I’d burn alive.
“It won’t hurt forever,” he replied.
I shook my head. I didn’t believe him.
“I promise, Cadence,” Mark said. And the more he moved in me, the more my body began to accept him. And the more my body began to accept him, the better I felt.
I was surprised at the first sexual sensation. I thought I wouldn’t feel any the first time—that it would be too painful to enjoy. But I was enjoying it, and more alarmingly, I realized that I liked being stretched taut, trapped under him, at the mercy of his thrusts. It was painful pleasure.
I wanted to submit to it fully, so I relaxed my tense muscles, forcing myself to turn into rubber. He noticed the subtle shift in my body and doubled his efforts, thrusting longer and deeper, demanding a verbal response. He got it. I screamed out, and he covered my mouth with his. It was a hungry move, like he wanted to taste my distress.
But then he eased up, moving slowly and gently inside me once more. And I wasn’t sure I liked it. I also wasn’t sure I could ask him to go harder again. I wasn’t an experienced lover. I couldn’t know what I wanted. Maybe this is how it went. Hard then soft. Hard then soft.
I shifted under him.
“Is this completely horrible for you?” he asked.
“No, Mark. Why would you say that?”
“Just getting a sense that you want it over and done with.”
“Not at all. It doesn’t hurt anymore. I mean not so much, anyway,” I said.
“I shouldn’t have been rough with you just now. Do you want me to stop?”
“No!” I blushed and looked to my right.
“What is it, Cadence?”
“I don’t think I can ask. I think if I do you’ll think something’s wrong with me.”
“I would never think that. You can ask me anything,” Mark said.
I was quiet for a moment, and then it exploded from my mouth. “I don’t want you to be gentle anymore!”
“Huh?”
“I want you to be rough like you were a minute ago.” I felt like some weirdo who enjoys pain.
Mark’s lips curled into a smile. A knowing smile. What the hell did he know that I didn’t?
“And don’t make me tell you why,” I continued.
“You don’t have to,” he replied.
“Oh, so I guess you think you know why?”
“Yes.”
“Then maybe you can explain it to me, because I don’t know what’s going on in my freak brain right now! Why do I want you to be rough with me? What’s wrong with me?!”