Going Under

“She’s not my girlfriend, Kaylen,” Ryan replied. “Go away.”


I knew it was stupid, but the thumping in my heart stopped altogether at the sound of those words: “She’s not my girlfriend.” A pinch took its place, and I tried to ignore it.

Kaylen shrugged and left the room. She was no longer interested once she learned her brother’s relationship status hadn’t changed.

“Your sister’s cute,” I observed.

“My sister’s annoying,” he replied, pushing his hand through his tousled hair.

“Did you just wake up?” I asked, noting his clothes.

“No,” he answered.

“Sooo, what’s with the pajamas? It’s like four o’clock.”

He stared at me for a second. “Why are you here?”

I hated when people did that: answering a question with a question. It was infuriating.

“I just haven’t talked with you in weeks,” I said. “I thought I’d come over and say ‘hello.’”

“Really?” He sounded genuinely shocked.

“Well, yeah. I thought maybe we could hang out,” I offered.

The truth was that I wanted him to pursue me. I think that’s inherently female to want to be pursued. And I think Ryan wanted to initially, but I or he or someone else messed it up. So I swallowed my pride and made my interest known, hoping he would pick up where we started several weeks ago outside my house. I knew I had no business doing it. How did I think I could possibly juggle Ryan and Cal? We all went to school together, for Pete’s sake. But in this moment, I didn’t care. He was standing in front of me with hair I was itching to run my fingers through, and a stomach I wanted to feel pressed against my own.

I admit my vulnerability. I felt it the entire day, trying hard to keep myself busy to avoid confronting it. Dad had to go into the office, so I was left alone. Beth crept into the forefront of my brain, asking me why I wasn’t moving faster, why I wasn’t working harder to avenge her, and I couldn’t silence her. I tried by wearing the broken heart necklace she had given me. I thought that would appease her, but it only encouraged her incessant interrogation. I had to get out of the house. Ryan would be the perfect distraction.

“You want to hang out.” He didn’t pose it as a question. He said it with sarcasm, and it irked me.

“Well, if you’re busy I can go,” I said, turning to leave.

“No,” he said, and took my hand. “I’m just confused.”

“About what?” I asked, turning to face him. He dropped my hand.

“I don’t know why you wanna hang out.”

He looked at me with those ocean eyes, his brows furrowed in thought, and I decided in that moment I didn’t want to hang out. I wanted to make out. Hard.

“Ryan, you promised you’d take me to Lindsay’s house,” Kaylen whined from the top landing of the stairs. She had an overnight bag slung over her shoulder.

Ryan never took his eyes off of me. “Any interest in riding over to Lindsay’s house to drop off my sister?”

I smiled and nodded.

“All right. Wait here,” and he disappeared up the stairs.

While he was changing, Kaylen peppered me with questions, successfully extracting all the important information from me before her brother came back downstairs: my age, grade, family situation, social status at school. I told her I was the most popular girl in my class. She didn’t believe me, and told me so, but I think she liked me anyway.

A few minutes later, Ryan came down dressed in jeans and a dark green cardigan. He looked like a poster boy for Banana Republic, and I liked every bit of it.

“Maybe Ryan’ll stop being such a mopey loser at school if you start hanging out with him,” Kaylen said as Ryan grabbed his car keys from the foyer table.

“Maybe,” he replied, and she smirked at him.

The drive over to Lindsay’s was filled with Kaylen’s chatter. I enjoyed listening to her. She was funny and sweet, quick with the witty remarks, and there was nothing in her manner that suggested something terrible had happened to her. She was bright and talkative. Happy.

I realized I jumped to conclusions in my moment of panic, considering the worst because Cal was so insistent I stay away from Ryan. Naturally I assumed Cal did something horrible to Kaylen and didn’t want to be found out. I thought I was becoming paranoid.

Once we dropped off Kaylen, we returned to Ryan’s house. He invited me to his room, and I was a little too quick to follow. I kept telling myself not to pounce on him, but it was hard when he made it so inviting by shutting his bedroom door. I felt like a guy. Completely aroused with no thoughts other than sex.

“I didn’t have to work today,” he said, plopping on his bed. “That’s why I was still in my pajamas. I finished my homework then played video games all day.”

“You did your homework first?” I asked, and giggled.

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