My heart sank. I couldn’t believe he just said that. He knew why I had so many hang ups! Emotionally unavailable? He made me sound like some frigid old woman who couldn’t stand to be touched. Was that really how he thought of me?
I felt my throat tighten and tears threatened to spill over, but I refused to let them fall. He would not know that my feelings were hurt. “Well…I guess you’ve been waiting to get that off your chest for a while because it had absolutely nothing to do with any of this. But if that was some sad attempt at making me feel like I’m so inadequate that no one would love me but you, it’s not working, mostly because I’m not afraid to be alone.” I snatched my purse from the back of my seat and was getting ready to leave when Jason spoke again.
“No one knows that better than me,” he added.
I leveled a glare at him. “Excuse me? No one knows what better than you?”
“That you’re not afraid to be alone. Sometimes I think you’d prefer it.”
Unbelievable. “It’s good to know how you really feel after all this time, Jason. Thank you for making this so much easier.”
When he grabbed my hand, I’d just risen from my seat. I stared into his eyes and it was impossible to hide the hurt this time. The second Jason realized how his words had affected me, remorse filled his expression.
“I didn’t mean that.”
I scoffed. “No, actually, you did mean it.”
He blew out a breath and didn’t let my hand go. “Just stay and talk to me. It doesn’t have to end like this.”
I disagreed….strongly.
“You just made it very clear that you’re staying in your marriage, and you also made it very clear that I’m not giving you what you need out of this relationship.” Admitting that out loud made me feel like I was just as broken and flawed as the day I first arrived in New York.
“I wasn’t trying to hurt your feelings,” Jason said softly.
“Well, it sure as hell felt like it. Why else would you have said it?” I swiped at the lone tear that rolled down my cheek. “You’ve felt like that the whole time, haven’t you?” I asked, not really wanting to know the answer.
He released a frustrated sigh. “I understand that it’s because of what you went through.”
“That’s not what I asked you.” He waited until now to say it, to deflect some of the attention off of his own imperfections, but obviously he’d always thought these things about me. My feelings and my pride were both a little bruised.
I watched as Jason sorted through his thoughts, picking and choosing the words that he thought would get him in the least amount of trouble, knowing that he had to give some sort of an explanation.
“I knew there were wounds that’d have to heal…..but I didn’t expect it to take this long. I thought –“ he sighed halfway through his sentence. “I thought I could fix you.”
And there it was. “Jason…I’ve never needed you to ‘fix’ me.” I laughed cynically and turned my face away when I couldn’t stand to look at him any longer. “You should’ve put your time and energy into raising your kid, not trying to raise me,” I added as I stood again, deciding that our conversation was over.