I sat and waited for Jason to speak again, but when he didn’t, I wondered if he’d considered the parallelism between his situation and mine.
“Your son’s six. My child would’ve been the same age right now if things had worked out,” I admitted. “I don’t mean to be judgmental, but I don’t understand how you can have an opportunity that I was never afforded, an opportunity that was taken from me, and you simply choose not to be a part of his life.” When Jason’s silence persisted, I continued. “And I can’t help but to wonder if I’m part of the reason you haven’t been there for him lately. Before seeing him a few weeks ago when we went to the wedding, how long had it been?” I asked, both curious and afraid of what Jason’s response might be.
When he lowered his head, that was all the answer I needed. “I don’t get there as often as I should, but –“
“When, Jason?”
He mumbled his answer so quietly that I almost didn’t hear him. “It was about this time last year.”
All I could do was shake my head. I recalled hearing him state that one day he wanted me to be his wife and for us to start a family together. How could I fantasize about starting a life with a man who was already failing at being a father?
“I can’t do this Jason – I can’t be the one who keeps you from your son, and I can’t pretend like I don’t know that you’re married.”
“Sam, it’s not like Camille and I are still in a relationship,” he reasoned. “That’s been over for years.”
“Over, and yet, not over.” I slipped my hand from his. “I’m uncomfortable knowing that some other woman has your last name, Jason, regardless of how many miles are between you two, and regardless of if you’re in love with her or not.”
If he couldn’t understand that, I wasn’t sure what else I could say to get through to him.
The background noise seemed to fall away. “So what’re you saying?” he asked solemnly, maybe already feeling what was coming next.
I couldn’t think of any other way to go about this. He had no intentions of divorcing Camille anytime soon and he was more than likely going to continue his patterns as a father. I didn’t want any parts of either situation. “I’m sorry, but…we’re done,” I said with an air of regret in my tone, feeling like I’d just wasted the last two years of my life.
All the color drained from Jason’s face and his eyes dimmed to a dull green as he stared at me from across the table.
“So, after everything, that’s it?” He asked, his voice growing louder now that I’d dropped the news on him. “After all we’ve been through? After all I’ve put up with, you’re walking away from me because of this?”
“Jason, it’s not like you just have a secret bank account that you didn’t mention, or forgot to mention that you have a half-brother somewhere….this is a big deal!” I thought for a moment. “And what do you mean ‘after all you’ve put up with’? Enlighten me! What exactly have I put you through?”
He shook his head and sighed – frustrated, shocked, pissed the hell off. “Nothing. Just forget it.”
I crossed my arms over my chest. “No! I’d like to hear what you have to say! Tell me what it is that I’ve put you through exactly.”
He met my gaze and the tension in his jaw was evident. His expression changed and I stared, waiting for him to speak his mind.
“Granted, I should’ve handled this situation differently, but…you’re just done? Just like that? You really think this relationship’s been easy for me? I know I’m not perfect, but neither are you!”
Confused as to what he was talking about, I didn’t respond.
Jason sighed deeply and leaned in on his elbows so that he wouldn’t have to speak loudly. “Sam, you’re cold, emotionally unavailable, and then there’s all your rules! I can’t even touch you without you practically jumping out your skin.”