Hearing her admit that she honestly regretted the way things between us ended left me to wonder how often she thought about what our lives would’ve been like had we stayed together.
Her hand went to her forehead when she rethought that last statement. “I shouldn’t have said that. I mean, I know you’re engaged to Kira, and you’re happy, and I totally respect that. She really does seem like a nice girl,” she rambled. “I honestly wasn’t trying to say that it’d be us instead of you and her – like things were supposed to be different than how they are.” She was so nervous she’d said something wrong that her voice was shaky. “When I said ‘us’ I just meant that –“
“But it would’ve been us, Sam,” I interrupted, acknowledging to her face, that if she hadn’t left, hadn’t ran away, she’d undoubtedly be wearing my ring instead of Kira. I could see from my peripheral that she stopped watching where she was walking and stared at me instead.
“I –“ was all she was able to say before turning to face forward again and falling silent.
Since we were laying everything out on the table, I decided to be thorough. “I only let you go because you forced me to let you go. Not because I wanted to. Not because I thought it was the right thing to do.”
More silence.
I focused on the lights of the high-rise off in the distance and took a deep breath. “I went through a phase where I was angry as hell at you for leaving me – just being honest. But then I grew up and got past it.” Our pace slowed even more. “Looking back at the situation now with a clearer perspective, considering what you went through, I think you did what you felt like you had to do at the time. Do I wish there’d been another way? Every single day of my life. But do I understand it?” I looked down at her for a second. “Absolutely.”
The hustle and bustle continued around us, but there was almost a cone of silence surrounding Sam and I as we moved in slow motion compared to the rest of the city. Sam was deep in thought when we turned the corner. Looking down at her again, I saw her swipe at a single tear and that urge to touch her grew within me. I was used to comforting her, but now I felt like I had to keep my distance.
“Are you okay?” I asked, hoping I hadn’t somehow made her feel worse.
She nodded. “I’m fine. This is just…something I’ve been carrying for a while. My doctor’s been pushing for me to have this talk with you for a long time. I just didn’t know how you’d respond if I called.”
“Your doctor?”
“My therapist,” she admitted freely. “That’s where I’m headed every Wednesday when I pass your building.”
“How long have you been thinking about getting in touch with me?” I asked, just wondering when she started having the desire to talk again.
“Almost as soon as I got here – strongest after the first year.”
I stopped dead in my tracks, thinking back to how broken I was for the first two years after she left. If she’d picked up the phone and called, I would’ve dropped everything and been on the first flight I could get. There would’ve been no hesitation to take her back. God’s honest truth. “Why didn’t you call? You know I wouldn’t have -“
“Because I was embarrassed!” she interjected, her face reflecting the pain she’d been holding in. When she lowered her head, I touched her arm only to move her from the middle of the sidewalk where we’d stopped.
Standing beside the wall of some sort of shop, I stared into Sam’s watery eyes, screaming at her from my subconscious, ‘Why didn’t you just call? We could’ve worked it out!’
She wiped away another tear and I realized that walking down the busy streets of New York was the wrong place to do this. We were about a block away from my car and she was trying desperately to keep from crying in front of all these people. She dabbed beneath her eyes with her fingers, but it was just a matter of time before it became a full-blown sob. I took a deep breath, again resenting the fact that I couldn’t console her.