Mr. Talbert smiled warmly before walking away. If my torment was so obvious that even he noticed, then I’d need to do a better job of holding it together.
I wanted more than anything to be certain of my feelings and to know if true happiness lied with Antonio or AJ. I almost felt stupid for even comparing the two. On the one hand, I’d been with Antonio for six months, had feelings for him for nearly two years, and we both had time invested in this relationship. On the other hand, there was AJ, who I was almost completely unaware of just a few short days ago, but hadn’t stopped thinking about since. Was I crazy? A rationally thinking person would never even have to think twice about who was the sensible choice. It’d be Antonio – hands down. No ifs, ands, or buts about it. But for some reason I didn’t seem to be in touch with my sensible side these days, which meant that I was seriously considering choosing AJ. Choosing. That word rang in my head. Where did I even get the idea that I had a choice? What if AJ wasn’t even a real option? What if I was reading way more into what I felt happening between us? What if this is just something he does – strings a new girl along every couple weeks just to keep things interesting? What if I was risking my relationship with Antonio for nothing? If this was the case, where would that leave me when the smoke cleared?
Antonio had already proven to me over the course of time that his heart belonged to me and no one else. I didn’t have that same security with AJ. Could I really risk losing Antonio on an impulse? Being with AJ was a gamble and I wasn’t sure if I could take that chance. I deliberated for the remainder of the class period before finally reaching a decision…..Antonio was who I needed to be with. It just made sense and I didn’t want to bet everything on AJ with the very real possibility of losing it all. For my own sanity I had to leave him alone. It didn’t make sense that after only spending a couple days with him I already felt like I was losing my mind. That can’t be healthy. I’d have to bridle my feelings for AJ and try to continue our relationship as nothing more than friends. I knew that it was going to be easier said than done because, despite the fact that I denied it to myself on an hourly basis, I was really starting to fall for him……hard.
I felt only a mild sense of relief after finally making up my mind. There were still so many unanswered questions. I had yet to make heads or tails of why I felt so drawn to AJ in the first place. Yeah, he’s attractive, but it was much, much deeper than that. For some reason we clicked and I hadn’t been able to shake him since. That feeling in itself intrigued me. How could two people who seemed to have so little in common seem to fit so well? Whenever he looked at me there was this absolutely insane chemistry that made me wonder on more than one occasion if us running into one another wasn’t just a coincidence. Maybe it was supposed to happen that way. I forced myself to swallow the bitterness that swept over my body at the thought of never exploring whatever that connection was. One thing was for sure, if I was going to make this work with Antonio I had to beat my untamed feelings back and keep them in check.