The next morning I awoke at 5:28, two minutes before my alarm was scheduled to sound – a telltale sign of the sleepless night I’d suffered through. It felt like I flew through my morning routine at light speed, and before I knew it, I had my backpack on my shoulder and was heading out to my car. The thought of seeing AJ again was my motivation.
Once at school, I parked my car and waited there for a while. I still had about 15 minutes before the bell would ring, so I opened the door to let in the fresh autumn air, leaning back in my seat to relax. Flashbacks of the night before with AJ wove in and out of memories of me and Antonio. I didn’t expect to feel so bad after sneaking off with AJ, but I did. I had the bags under my eyes to prove it. At around three in the morning I concluded that the reason I was so guilt-ridden was because of how quickly I was developing feelings for him. The possibility of falling for someone so fast had my mind reeling, but I couldn’t deny what was happening. It made me question myself on so many things – things that I either didn’t have the answers to or simply wasn’t ready to accept just yet.
In the midst of my murky thoughts, I looked up to find Antonio pulling into the parking spot next to me. He’d definitely be making his way over to talk, so I prepared myself. Very few things got past him so I also expected him to address the fact that I’d been a little distant the past couple days. I worked to push AJ out of my brain, surprising myself with how difficult a task that was. Since yesterday, he alone occupied my thoughts. This realization brought another pang of guilt.
After gathering his things, Antonio stepped out of his truck and walked toward me. He leaned down and kissed my cheek as I smiled up at him dimly, secretly wishing that he was someone else. Remorse surfaced again. Pushing that feeling aside, I locked and closed the door before following Antonio inside the building. Before going our separate ways he turned and looked at me once more. “You sure you’re ok? You seem like something’s wrong.”
I forced a smile and cleared my throat. “No, I’m fine, just got some things on my mind. That’s all.” Yeah…..another guy.
“Anything you wanna talk about?” He asked sympathetically.
I felt a pain in my stomach like someone twisting a knife in it. Hearing the concern in his tone made me feel terrible. Here he was thinking I was really going through something when the only thing wrong was that I was starting to have feelings for someone else. It wasn’t right, and my body was starting to reject this secret I was keeping. My head spun. “Nope, just some family stuff,” I lied. Each untruth worsened the discomfort. I hated every minute of it.
“Well, if you need to talk you know where to find me.” He smiled and turned to go to his class.
I stood there watching him until he disappeared in the classroom. This is so wrong. Antonio genuinely cared for me and I was proving to be less and less deserving of his affection as the seconds passed. I dragged myself to homeroom where I took my seat at the back of the classroom and put my head down on my arms, only looking up briefly when Mr. Talbert took attendance. He must have sensed that something wasn’t right, because the next thing I know I felt his hand on my shoulder and I looked up to find him standing over me.
“Is everything alright Ms. Kelley?” He asked caringly.
“Yeah, everything’s cool.”