I sit in the car while he picks up our lunch, trying to wrap my head around the whirlwind that is my life. After spending far longer than I’ll ever admit to anyone wishing Xavier would come back to me and finally giving up on that dream, here he is. I’ve always believed that every little thing that happens in life happens for a reason, but I refuse to apply that logic here because that would mean Alyssa’s illness and death is the reason we’re together now. Instead, I will revel in the fact that we are back together without thinking about the why.
“You okay?” Xavier asks as he hands me the plastic bag filled with fresh cheese, cold cuts and crusty bread. I close my eyes as he runs the backs of his fingers down my cheek. When I open my eyes to look at him, I wonder if he can see the conflict running through my mind.
“I’ll be fine,” I respond uncertainly. I feel like the worst friend ever, moving on with Alyssa’s husband so soon after her passing. Telling myself that she was a client, not a friend, does nothing to ease my guilt because I know she quickly grew to be more than that. I shared more with her in the last few months of her life than I have with Stacey in a few years. And when she found out my biggest secret, she still didn’t turn me away. Instead, she encouraged me to let this happen. But would she have wanted it so soon?
“Mel, I know you better than that,” he says, trying to come across as unaffected. “And believe me, I have a feeling we have a lot of the same shit going through our heads right now. I don’t like the fact that, as much as I love you, I feel guilty for moving on. There are going to be days when something happens that reminds me of Alyssa, and then I’ll feel guilty because I know that you’re the one person I can openly talk to about how much I miss her. And I do. I miss her every single day.”
Listening to him finally open up to me this way doesn’t hurt the way one might imagine. Having Alyssa be a part of our lives even though she’s gone isn’t a threat to me. I was there to see what they shared with one another and I would never ask him to keep that from me. “The way I see it, we’ve both been fighting ourselves for a while now. I feel like crap for wanting to be with you because I know what you’ve been through. I feel like a bad friend to Alyssa because I’m not strong enough to wait some arbitrary amount of time before seeing where things lead with you. But we are the ones who are living. You knew her better than I did, but I have a hard time believing Alyssa would want us feeling guilty. She knew this was pretty much inevitable,” I say, waving my hand between our bodies. “And as for me, I don’t expect you or Jacob to ever hold back from talking about Alyssa. I may not have known her very long, but I know she was a great woman. And unfortunately, the only way Jacob is going to remember her is if you do talk. I get that.”
Xavier grips the steering wheel so tightly his knuckles begin to turn white. I know it’s not anger, but I want to get him out of this mood that’s threatening to cast an ugly shadow on what should be a good day for the two of us. “I just…I need to know that you’re not going to get sick of it and leave. I don’t want to lose you again. I can’t lose you, too.”
I turn in my seat as we near a red light. Once the car is stopped, I reach for his chin, turning his face to mine. “Whatever happens between us, the one thing I can promise you is I will never leave because you won’t forget about her. I’d be more upset if you did try to push her memory aside. She’s a part of you and a part of Jacob. And when it comes right down to it, she’s a part of us because if she hadn’t been sick, we would have gone on living our separate lives.”
As Xavier leans in to kiss me, a horn blares behind us. We break apart, both of us laughing at being caught like teenagers. The mood returns to a more contemplative state as Xavier pulls away from the light. I stare out the window as Xavier makes his way down the highway, uncertain what to say next. Xavier doesn’t seem to be in the mood to keep talking about our relationship or Alyssa, but the silence is deafening.
“Have you decided what you’re going to do about work?” I ask, knowing that he’s expected to go back next week. He doesn’t need me to point out the fact that there’s no way he can be gone as much as he used to be, but I’m not sure what that means for his position. I’d prefer if he never had to travel, but I know that’s not a possibility given the fact that his job is to oversee the installation of new medical technology systems at hospitals around the country. He wasn’t at Infinity Solutions for a month before they had him flying to a new city every week.