Tyler follows me into my bedroom, flopping on the bed while I dig out clothes. “I still think this is a bad idea. That man is your biggest weakness and you don’t need his controlling bullshit in your life again.” I roll my eyes at Tyler’s unsolicited opinion. I’m still figuring out how to justify what is or isn’t going on when Tyler continues with his rant. “Not to mention the fact that his wife just died. I mean, we’re talking there probably isn’t even grass on her gravesite yet. Do you really think it’s a good idea to pick up those two tons of baggage?”
“It’s not like that, Tyler,” I whine. I hate the fact that he has me thinking about this again. As much as I shouldn’t think about what happened in the kitchen this morning or the tender kiss in the hall, that’s much more pleasant than listing off the multitude of reasons Xavier and I are a bad idea. I leave the bathroom door open as I begin stripping for my shower. It doesn’t matter that we aren’t exactly besties anymore, if I shut the door, he’ll just walk in and perch himself on the toilet like he used to. And I don’t care if he sees me naked. He’s gay and I can’t even count the number of times he’s hung around while I got ready to go somewhere. The only difference now is that he’s supposed to be working, not telling me how he thinks I should live my life.
“Then I’d love for you to explain what it is like,” he hollers loud enough that I can hear him over the water. “Because the way I see it, he’s the one that got away in your mind. He’s the first man you ever loved and he fucked you up hard. And now that he’s in this vulnerable place, you’re ready to swoop in and be his savior.”
“Not like that,” I repeat, pulling the shower curtain closed. I stand there for a moment, losing myself under the hot stream of water beating on my skin. “I know you won’t believe me, but last night was about Jacob. He had a bad dream and his teddy bear was still in my car. Then, he asked me to lay down with him until he went to sleep. Last night was about me being there for a four-year old boy who lost his mother. End of story.”
“And you don’t see the problem with that?” Tyler’s voice grows louder and I know he’s on the other side of this thin plastic curtain. “You’re in a no-win situation with him. Not only are you an idiot when it comes to him, but now you’re falling for his kid, too. I’m telling you, this is very, very bad.”
I choose to pretend that I don’t hear him rambling on and on. The way he dwells on topics such as this is one of Tyler’s less endearing qualities. Instead, I take my time massaging shampoo into my scalp, wishing it were Xavier’s strong fingers kneading my head. As I scrub my body with a mesh loofah, I picture Xavier’s hands sliding over my skin, taunting me as he washes my upper thighs, refusing to give me the release my body is begging for.
I’m beyond screwed.
“Are you even listening to me?” Tyler huffs, pulling me out of the blissful place my imagination was taking me.
“Sorry, I didn’t sleep well last night.” It’s the only excuse I can come up with because I’m surely not going to tell Tyler that I was about two seconds away from diddling my digits a few feet away from him.
“You’re as impossible as ever, Mel. I said I need to get back to work. Everything I said before that can be rehashed over margaritas next Tuesday. No excuses.” He does his best to sound demanding, but falls short as always. Tyler is many things, but domineering will never reach that list.
Chapter 16
Braydon and I work together to get the kitchen cleaned up from breakfast and get Jacob ready to go for the day before Melanie gets back. If it’s not done before she gets here, I know she’ll take it upon herself to do all the work and I don’t want that from her. She’s not my maid, she’s not the nanny and it’s time she realize that. Luckily, Braydon didn’t say a word when I told him to give Jacob a bath rather than try to wipe off the sticky goop coating at least half of my son’s body.
“I’m ready, Daddy!” Jacob runs out of his bedroom wearing his Red Hot Chili Peppers t-shirt with khaki shorts and high tops. He’s going through another growth spurt and won’t be able to wear the retro band t-shirts Alyssa was always buying for much longer. As much as I complained the first time my son came out wearing a black shirt that proclaimed him a “future KISS roadie” I’m going to miss these moments when they’re gone. Soon, he won’t have any clothes left that his mom fought me over. I was always worried about him fitting in with the rest of his class, while Alyssa insisted on him being an individual. That led to more than one shipment of some of the craziest outfits imaginable. “Daddy, are you listening to me?”
Looking down, I see Jacob scowling at me with his arms crossed tightly over his chest. I wink at him and his frown immediately turns into his amazing smile, the one that mirrors his mother’s. I wonder if a time will come when I’m not slapped in the face with reminders of her. I’m not sure which scares me more, the thought of that day arriving or living with her ghost for the rest of my life.