Melanie leans into me and I slide my arm around her waist. When she doesn’t answer immediately, I don’t press the issue. Just like so many other topics, there will be time later if not now. She stops abruptly, causing me to stumble on a rock in the path. I look over at her and can see her thinking about her answer. “I’ve asked myself that question probably a hundred times. The thing is, I have no clue.” We keep walking and I wait to see if she’s going to say anything else.
“I told myself it’s because I was that dedicated to my job and my patients, but I don’t think that’s why. I wanted to throw up when I saw the last name and address. I knew there was no way it was a coincidence that the patient’s last name was Ross and it was your address. I spent hours trying to come up with an easy way out of it.” She looks away from me, seeming almost ashamed at her admission. “Every time I started walking to my supervisor’s office to tell him I couldn’t do it, I lost my nerve before getting to his door. I didn’t want him thinking I was unable to separate my personal issues from my job and I couldn’t think of a valid reason other than you for why I couldn’t help Alyssa.”
“I would think he would have understood if you told him. Surely, he would have understood that it was a conflict of interest for you to care for your ex’s wife.” I’m not sure why I’m filled with this obsessive need to hear her what motivated her to follow through with the assignment. After all, does it matter why she did it? I’m not conceited enough to think that this outcome ever crossed her mind.
Melanie doesn’t say another word until we’re almost back to the parking lot. She leans against the top of the door once I open it for her, resting her chin on her arms. “I think I was hoping that seeing you again would give me closure to move on with my life,” she admits, shaking her head slightly. “I had pushed you into the back of my mind for years, lying to myself, thinking I was already over you. The truth is, what you did to me really messed with my head. It made me think that love is something that doesn’t happen in real life, because if what we had was love, you wouldn’t have left. And I needed to see you to prove to myself that life does go on.”
The problem with asking a tough question is there’s a good chance you’re not going to like the answer. And hearing Melanie speak so candidly about how hurt she was, even if I knew I had damaged her, makes me furious with myself. The words needed to be said, but I’m struggling to digest them. I close my eyes tightly, trying to hold back the anger roiling to the surface. I won’t show that to her because I can’t take the chance she’ll think I’m upset with her.
“Melanie, I can’t begin to tell you how sorry I am that I ever made you doubt what I felt for you.” I reach for her hand, pulling her out from behind the safety of the door. She sinks into my chest and I rest my chin on her head. “I was a miserable, selfish prick back then. You were an unexpected detour in my life and I was fighting to retain the control I always swore I wouldn’t lose. It turns out, I was fighting for the wrong thing.”
“Can we not talk about this anymore?” she pleads, letting out a deep sigh. “Maybe someday, but not today.”
I kiss her hair, lingering a moment to silently thank her for giving me a chance to right the wrongs of my past. She slides into her seat and I close the door before rounding the back of the car.
Chapter 18
This has been, without a doubt, the best day I’ve had this year. I know that might sound bad, but Melanie made it possible for me to have one day where I wasn’t worrying about whether or not I’m going to be a good enough father to my son, what more I could have done to help Alyssa, or any of the other bullshit that runs on a continuous loop in my mind. Although I was tempted to call Braydon and ask him to take Jacob overnight so Melanie and I could continue talking, I refuse to go back on my word to my son, so now we’re headed out for a night of chicken wings and baseball.
“You do still like the Brewers, right?” I ask as we pull into the parking lot. I have to remind myself, and more than likely my brother, that Melanie’s interests may have changed over the years. A smile crosses her face and I know we’re all good on this particular outing.
“I do, but don’t you need to get home to Jacob? I’m not sure Braydon is brave enough to handle bath time,” she laughs, tipping her head to lazily look at me. She looks as if she could easily fall asleep and I’m there with her. Last night was rough and we spent most of the day exploring different trails, taking breaks to play twenty questions with one another.
More than once, we were subjected to remarks from passing hikers about how we should get a room. Every time, Melanie and I would burst out laughing at the thought of being caught like a couple of high school kids making out in the woods. I can’t help it, when it comes to Melanie, I’m not sure I will ever be able to catch up on all of the kisses I’ve missed giving her.