I follow Ralph to the bar and enjoy a few legal beers with him for the first time ever. People mill around, ignoring me and I like it. A few stop by and say hi, but they're talking to Liam Westbury, not Page.
Ralph tells me that he found himself a missus and that he’s all domesticated now. I find that hard to believe but congratulate him. He invites me over for dinner and it hits me that my time here is almost over. I tell him maybe some other time because I’ve got to head back on Monday. His face is pensive, but he tells me he understands with me being a big time musician and all.
I wish I understood.
I finally take to the small stage. Me, my guitar, a stool and a bottle of Bud. There aren’t lights shining in my face. No screaming girls throwing their underwear at me. My band is not behind me complaining about the sound and when I look off to the left of the stage there is no one standing waiting for me to put on the perfect show.
It’s just me, in a pub with a hundred people or so.
Ralph dims the lights and I see a few cameras come out. The flash blinds me, but I’m used to it.
“So, I’m Liam Page.” The crowd was quiet until I spoke. A few of the patrons cat call, others whistle and this reminds me why I get up on stage night after night. I love this feeling. I love the moment when my finger strums my guitar for the first chord on a song that I wrote and the crowd goes wild. I love looking out and seeing people sing my songs as if they were their own.
As I play, people pair off and dance. This is the first time in years that I’ve done a solo set in a pub and I remember why I like it so much. The fans are involved; they're part of the show. The longer my set, the more show up. Ralph is doing a great business tonight and is keeping me supplied with a steady amount of beer even though he’s taking away half-empty bottles.
Someone yells that she loves me; I say ‘thanks’. Never will I or have I told fans that I love them, even with something as innocent as this. I’ve only loved one person in my life and those words are saved for my girl and now my son.
Sitting up here I realize I want to be a dad to Noah. I want him to see me like this and know there's more to life than just football. He can be an artist, a musician or even live under a bridge and I’d still support his decision, if he’ll let me.
When I look up, Ralph is hugging someone and standing next to them is the red head I saw Josie with at her shop the other day. When Ralph moves back, it’s Josie that he’s hugging. She stays in the back, I can barely make her out in the darkness, but I can feel her. She lives in my skin.
“This song, I just wrote it so you guys are the first ones to hear it. I apologize if it’s a little rough.”
I look out, hoping she’ll show her face to me. I sing the first verse in her direction, my eyes trained on the last location that I saw her. My second verse rips through me, opening so many wounds.
“Arms of a stranger, a warm blooded kiss, trying to fill the void, of the one that I miss.
Perfume whispers, lashes and lace, but I can only hear your voice, I’m so out of place.
All these painkillers, that’s all they are.
Painkillers.”
I finish the last riff, unable to look at the back of the room to see if she’s still standing there. This song was for her, a way for me to tell her without having to say the words what I am without her.
CHAPTER 16
JOSIE
I went to see Liam sing at the pub two nights ago. Two nights, but I haven’t been able to stop thinking about him. Listening to him sing, even if the words were telling me about his life, made me want to rush the stage and pull him tight in my arms, but the song wasn’t for me. He was performing for his fans, giving them the Liam Page that they love. On that stage, that wasn’t my Liam. He was someone I don’t know.
I did the unthinkable after seeing him play; I downloaded his albums and listened to them straight through. Some songs made my cry, some made me laugh, a few of them made me so angry. Listening to him sing about lost love, the love that he threw away like it meant nothing. He had no right telling the world about us. It’s like he was telling me he’s sorry without having to look me in the face.
I’ll see him today and I don’t know what to say or how to act. Do I pretend that I wasn’t at his show on Friday, act like I don’t care or will he know? Did Ralph tell him? I’m confident that he didn’t see me since I stayed in the back with Jenna. We listened to two songs before I had had enough and needed to leave.
I couldn’t watch him up there. I couldn’t pretend that he didn’t affect me. And worst of all, Jenna knew. She looked at me with such sad eyes and held my hand as we walked out of the pub. She didn’t ask, all she said was Noah’s name and I broke down.
I miss Liam and I don’t want to. I’m with Nick. He loves me. We're going to get married and maybe have a baby together. That’s the plan. We live together, even though I never asked him to move in. He sort of stopped staying at his own place. We didn’t discuss it. I was afraid if I said something he’d leave me like Liam did.