Ryan doesn’t say anything. He simply lets me talk and get it all out. I love him even more for that because I need to get it out.
“I’ve been taking sleeping pills, but I stopped last week. That’s why I haven’t been sleeping.” I take a second before continuing. “I dream about that night—about him. All I see are his eyes.” I confess as I weep out, “He made me watch him.”
Ryan doesn’t say anything as a new slew of sobs wrack my body. He just bands his arms tighter around me and I finally speak again, “So, I take pills to keep him away.”
“Babe, why did you stop taking them?” he asks as he brushes my hair back behind my shoulder.
“Because every night when I take them, it’s only a reminder of what happened. I just want to forget, but I can’t.”
“Have you told anyone?”
“No. Only Jase and Mark. Jase was with me in the hospital. Mark only knows because he walked in and saw my face. It was pretty banged up.”
“Your parents?”
“God, no. It was because of them that I went out with that guy at all.”
He pulls his head back and looks at me in disbelief. “You knew him?”
I nod my head and he asks, “But you didn’t do anything?”
“No.”
“I wanna fucking kill him,” he says through gritted teeth.
It takes a while, but when I finally feel Ryan’s tense chest relax, he pulls back and looks me in the eyes as he says, “This changes nothing for me. Okay? Nothing. No one will ever love you like I do.”
When he leans down and gently kisses me, I release my worry. Worry of him leaving, of him being disgusted, worry of him running away from my dark side. I relax in his arms, knowing that we have no more secrets.
Chapter Thirty
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“He knows.”
“You told him?” he says in surprise.
“I didn’t really have a choice,” I tell Jase. “I had another nightmare last night.”
“What happened?” he asks as he shifts on the couch to face me.
“I freaked out with him in the bed. It was humiliating. So, I had to tell him.”
Jase reaches over and grabs my hand, holding it tightly when I continue. “I’ve never said it before. I never wanted to say the words. I mean, I have silently in my head, but never out loud.”
“Are you okay?”
“Yeah, I think so.”
“What did he do?”
“I mean, what could he do? He listened and assured me that it doesn’t change anything with us. I was scared he’d want to leave. I wouldn’t have blamed him.”
“God, Candace, I’m sorry, but he needed to know. I’m glad you told him,” he says with sincerity.
“I told him I loved him.” A grin spreads across his face and I say, “Don’t embarrass me, Jase.”
“I won’t. I swear.”
Taking my hand from his, I grab my glass of wine from the coffee table and take a sip when he asks, “Do you know what he’s doing for your birthday?”
“Jase, you know I hate parties and presents. It’s all awkward and uncomfortable. Plus, I haven’t told him it’s my birthday.”
He laughs at me and says, “You’re so weird.”
“Seriously, we have never done anything before, why start now?”
He takes a swig of his beer, then suggests, “Let’s at least get together. We can go do dinner at Mark’s. No birthday cake. Promise.”
“Fiiine,” I whine and then give him a tiny smile. “I’ll let Ryan know. And no presents. It’s just stupid.”
“None.”
We sit together on his couch and continue to drink and catch up on what’s been going on in each other’s lives. It’s Friday night, and Ryan is at work. One of Gavin’s bands is playing there tonight, so he and his friends decided to make a night out of it. He wanted to cancel when we woke up this morning, but I told him that it would make me more uncomfortable if he didn’t go because of me. Plus, Jase and I had already made plans to get together, so Ryan agreed, although with much hesitation.
I nearly finish the bottle of merlot by myself and am drunk for the first time in my life. Maybe it was just everything that had happened yesterday that has me wanting to drink way more than I normally do. I’m barely coherent when Jase calls Ryan to come pick me up.
“Youuuu take me home,” I slur out, and then burst into a fit of giggles.
“I can’t. I’ve had too many beers. He’ll be here in a bit. He just left the bar.”
I lie down on the couch and close my eyes when the room begins to sway in a hazy way. Jase is talking to me, but it sounds like an echo at this point. When there is a knock at the door, I pop up on my knees, looking over the back of the couch as Ryan walks in.
“You’re heeeere!” I scream and throw my arms into the air.
“Shit, man, what the hell did you give her?” he laughs out.
“She inhaled a bottle of wine,” Jase tells him.
Pointing to Ryan, I shout, “You’rrre hot!” and then burst out into another fit of uncontrollable laughter.
“Okay, party’s over, babe,” he says as he walks toward the couch shaking his head humorously at me.
“Noooo!” I pout as I jump up to my feet on top of the couch and feign authority.
He grabs me behind my knees and throws me over his shoulder as I continue to giggle.
“Alright, let’s go.”