“No, your photo, babe,” he says softly and he rests his head against mine.
I smile at his words. I can’t help myself. He knows how tense I was when he took that picture that he refuses to take credit for it.
“Congratulations,” I say when he changes our pace and slowly presses tighter against me, tenderly pressing his lips over mine. I rake my fingers through his hair, and I am overcome with happiness. Happy about having a great audition, happy that Ryan’s photograph will be displayed in an art gallery, and happy that I am sharing this moment with him. Everything about Ryan floods my being, and I want no one else.
He pulls back and looks into my eyes and when he does, I see it all. I see it clearly; he loves me, and I know I’m safe.
“What is it, babe?”
Brushing my hand down the side of his face, I give him a part of me that I’ve been holding tightly to.
“I love you.”
I know he’s been waiting a long time for me to get here, but I know it’s okay when I look into his clear eyes and see the lines appear at the corners when his smile grows.
“You’ll never know what those words just did to me,” he says and he carries me over to the couch, where we proceed to make out like a couple of kids. This might not be typical for anyone else our age, but it’s us, and I love us.
?????
I’m not sure where I am when I wake up. I try to sit up, but I’m paralyzed. Looking up, I see the dark sky filled with tiny sparkling specks of stars.
“Ryan?”
There’s no answer in the stillness. When I roll my head to the side, I see a rust covered wheel and lock. It’s familiar. I inhale the damp summer air.
Wait. It’s supposed to be winter.
“Ryan?”
Where is he?
I focus my attention back on the rust, and when I finally realize why it looks so familiar, I jerk my head back to the stars, but they’re gone, and my heart stops.
His taunting laughs fill the silent night as his devilish eyes peer into mine.
“Ryan!”
Leaning in, his hot breath on my face, his voice a quiet firm growl, “Shut the fuck up.”
He strikes my cheek with the back of his knuckles, and my face burns when the tears begin to prick out. Trying with everything I have in me, I can’t move. I’m frozen on the rough concrete as he stares down at me—laughing. He starts to unbutton his pants, and I begin to lose control and shriek for Ryan, but no one is here to help me. My heart is pounding in my chest so hard my ribs ache. The terror singes through my veins, and I scream, “Please, not again.”
“This time, you’re gonna fucking like it,” he sneers as he pulls my shirt up and rips my bra down. All I can do is dig my brittle nails into the cement. My blood-covered hands shake and sting as I cry helplessly on the ground. His mouth is all over me as I beg him to stop.
I turn to find the dumpster, but it’s no longer there. I need that dumpster to take my mind away and it’s not fuckin’ there!
My stomach convulses with each button he pops open on my jeans.
“Get off of me!”
Ripping off my underwear, he slides his hand between my legs, and I begin shrieking out violent sobs.
Gripping my upper arms, he holds me down as I keep screaming through my labored breaths, “Get the fuck off of me!”
Panic and confusion hit me hard when I see Ryan’s face above me instead of Jack. Suddenly, I feel my legs moving, and I begin to kick in a frenzy to get out of his tight grip. When I look back up, I see Jack again. He dips his head and licks up my throat.
“God, please stop!” I wail.
“Candace, wake up.”
Thrashing under Jack’s grip, I’m no longer paralyzed, and I’m no longer being pinned down.
I hear myself screaming as I shuffle back in a panic, trying to escape. I feel myself fall on my hip. Not able to get to my feet, I clumsily continue to shuffle on my hands, desperate to get away.
All I hear is Jack laughing at me.
When the wall hits my back, his hands are on my shoulders, and I scream, “Don’t fuckin’ touch me!” as I curl into a ball, covering my face with my hands. I continue to scream the same thing over and over until I no longer hear Jack, but Ryan.
Ryan!
“Candace, open your eyes.”
But I can’t. I don’t know what’s happening, what’s real. My breathing is erratic, and I am engulfed in fear. I’m still sobbing. I don’t know how to stop.
“Candace, please. Look at me. It’s only me here with you.”
My arms are stiff when he touches my wrists to move my hands away from my face. I don’t want him to see me—not like this. When he moves my hands, I turn my face away from him, wanting to somehow disappear.
“Babe, please don’t hide from me.”
Trying to take in some air through my cries, I choke on my breath, and when I do, he pulls me close, and I just fall into him. His arms are so tight around me, and I know it’s only him.
I don’t know what I was thinking not taking my pills anymore. How could I be so stupid to think I was strong enough to be okay without them? Now I’m consumed with worry and dread. What the hell is Ryan going to do or say? What am I going to do or say? What do I do?