God, what do I do?
I’m curled up tight in Ryan’s lap, and he is stroking my hair with his fingers. I’m so embarrassed. But, he doesn’t give me a choice from eluding this when he leans back to look at me.
Closing my eyes, he says, “You have to look at me. Please.”
When I feel the heat of his hands on my face, I blink my eyes open and slowly shift my eyes to him. His expression is worried as he scans my face.
“You okay?”
I nod my head.
“What happened?”
I drop my head and rest it on his chest as he rubs my back. I just want to hide and not have to look at him.
With hesitation, I ask, “Can you please call Jase?”
“What?” he says in disbelief, and I don’t blame him. “Shit, Candace, no.”
A new round of tears begin to flow, and I hear the desperation in my voice when I urge, “Please.”
“Candace, no. You can’t always run to him. Need me for change. Talk to me.”
“I can’t,” I cry out.
“Yes, you can.”
“No, I can’t. Please. I just can’t”
“But you can with Jase?”
I’m sobbing now, but Ryan never lets go of me.
“I want you to need me,” he says.
“I do.”
“You don’t; you cling to him for everything.” He takes my hands and presses them against his bare chest, over his heart. “Look at me,” he demands, and when I do, he tells me, “Cling to me. Love me enough to need me.”
“I can’t . . . I . . .”
“Why?”
I know he’s not going to drop this, and I begin to get angry. Angry that I’m even in this position right now.
“Because, you’d leave me.”
“Not happening, babe.”
“Ryan, please,” I plead.
“I’m not leaving you. Nothing you could say would make me want to leave you.”
“I’m just too fucked up.”
“We’re all fucked up,” he says. “I want you to let me in.”
I know there is no way out of this. But how? How do I do this?
He grabs my hands again when I try to cover my face as my cries quake through me.
“I can’t! You’ll never look at me the same. You’ll run away.”
When I say this, he slides his hand around the back of my head and pulls me against him as he sighs out. I cry in his chest as he says, “I promise you, nothing will change the way I look at you. Nothing will change what you do to me when you’re next to me. You make my heart beat in a completely different way—nothing will ever change that.”
I finally wrap my arms around him, hanging on with everything I have. “I’m so embarrassed,” I confess around my cries.
“God, babe.” I can hear the pain in his voice. “Please, don’t be.”
I have never said the words. Not ever. Not to anyone. Not even to myself. Maybe I foolishly thought if I didn’t say it, then maybe it wasn’t really real.
When he strengthens his hold on me, I let it out on a whimper, “I was raped.”
Releasing a heavy sigh, he lays his head on top of mine, and I continue to cry. I feel so weak and tired, like I’m drowning. I keep treading water, but I can never seem to get my head high enough out of the water to take in a full breath of air. I’ve been drowning since that night. There are times I feel like I can make it, but then I’m pulled right back under.
Ryan says nothing as we sit here on the floor. I feel guilty for the lies and mistruths I’ve told him to try and hide this. When my sobs soften into whimpers, I speak.
“I’ve been lying to you,” I say quietly.
“I don’t care. It doesn’t matter.”
“I feel horrible.”
“Candace, don’t do this. You have every right to lie.”
But I need to tell him.
“I can’t go to see you at work because . . .”
“Shhh . . .”
“Because it happened in your parking lot. By the dumpster. That’s why I freaked out. I didn’t know where I was until I saw the dumpster.”
When I tell him this, I feel a breath thud in his chest. I loosen my hold and pull back. I break when I see the tears streaming down his cheeks. Looking into his eyes, as the tears begin to fall from mine again, I cry, “I’m so sorry.”
“Don’t ever fuckin’ say that again. Don’t ever be sorry for anything again.”
“I’m just so far from what you thought.”
“You’re not.”
“I am. Every day is a struggle. Everything. I’m scared every day.” I drop my head for a moment, and when I look back up at him, I finally admit what I’ve been feeling for the past six months. Ever since that night, the night Jack left me broken and desperate. The night he took everything from me: my trust, my peace, my security, my faith—my light. He took it all and left me with nothing.
“I’m fading.” I feel the heat of my tears as they linger down my cheeks. “He took all my light, and I’ve been fading ever since.”
Cradling my face in his hands, he says, “You’re not fading. I won’t let you.”
I nod my head, fold myself into his arms, and let him hold me.
“That’s why Kimber is mad. I didn’t go home after it happened. I stayed with Jase and never told her why. She knows I’m lying.”