I guess I blew it by opening my mouth. Did I really think she would up and quit and just chase me around the US? That’s fucking insane to ask someone to do that anyways. For the last few days, our fight has been all that’s replayed in my mind. Walking down the tarmac, I prepare to board the plane and feel sick that I’m going so far away without her. Fuck, I wish I had some pills to numb the pain. Inside, I’m such a mess. There are so many thoughts that swirl around, from Kinsey, to that piece of shit detective, and then my beautiful Arion. Maybe I’ll be able to sleep on the plane, God knows I need to. As I get situated in the front row, I’m thankful to James for booking this; he not only got me the front row, but the seat next to me. Pulling my hat down low, I pop my hood up and sink back against the plush leather, stretching my legs out in front of me.
Visions of Arion invade all of my senses. From the first night in the alley to fucking her on my kitchen counter, it all consumes me. Before her, I was hell-bent on Kinsey’s case, and now, none of that matters like it used to. I guess I shouldn’t have become dependent on her. That’s where the feelings started. She warned me not to do it, but I did. She helped me deal with all of the pain I was experiencing. Then I broke her rules.
Do not text him back. Do not text him back. Do not text him back. Lying face down on my bed, I know I can’t text him. But he’s relentless and won’t give up. Rolling over, I stare up at the white ceiling replaying the events that took place a few days back. Since the moment Bain dropped me off, I instantly regretted everything. Being away from him has hit me hard, but inside I know it’s best to protect my heart. The pain I’m feeling now is nothing compared to what I experienced when I lost Nate. It was utterly debilitating – crippling. It took me over a month just to get out of bed. At least this time I’ve managed to go in to work. Maybe I’ve been a little late, but I’ve been there.
I try to close my eyes again, but Bain’s words are loud and clear. Quit your job and come work for me. He knows me so well, and it still baffles me how he thought I would give up everything I’ve worked so hard for.
Getting out of bed, I pad across the room and peer into the living room. Aubrey is still not home, so I grab a bottle of water before heading back to bed. My phone rings and I’m reluctant to answer it, but I catch a glimpse of the screen and notice it’s Barb.
“Hey,” I say in a quiet tone.
“Hi, honey, how are you?”
“I’m okay.”
“What’s wrong?”
“Just got a lot going on in my head.”
“Don’t we all? Do you want to talk about anything?”
“No, that’s okay. It’s just nice to hear your voice, you always make things better.”
“Thanks, dear. I was calling because I got the results from Zeus’ blood work and everything is normal.”
“Oh, good. Thank you for taking him.”
“Of course. Are you sure you don’t want to talk?”
“I’m sure. I have to get to work soon and I didn’t sleep well, that’s all, so I’m going to take a nap. But I’ll try and stop by tomorrow to see my baby boy.”
“Okay. Keep your head up, sweetheart.”
“Thanks,” I respond and hang up. I know I have about an hour before I have to be at work and I don’t want to be late again. It’s become quite a habit for me these last few days. Speaking of habits, I spark a cigarette and inhale deeply. Knowing Bain would be pissed if he knew I was smoking again, but it doesn’t stop me. I need something to calm myself down.
Lying here, all of our time plays in my mind. From the moment I caught sight of him laughing at my brazenness at the bar, to the alley, then everything spiraling afterwards. I fought any feelings that were possibly creeping in by reminding myself that this was only about sex. It always had been, but deep inside, I know it was more.
Fuck. Taking another drag I finally put the cigarette out and roll over. Sleep, sleep, sleep is the only thing that can take this away. Just a few minutes and then I’ll get my ass in the shower…
“Fine, Bain, you want me to tell you the truth? I’m scared, fucking terrified, that what we have is all going to come crashing down.”
“No, baby, how could you even think that? I won’t let it.”
“How can you promise that? You just got drafted then traded to the fucking Clippers. That’s LA, it’s a whole other world out there and across the country.”
“Listen to me,” he pleads getting down at my level and kneeling in front of the chair. “It’s not that different from New York.”
“I just don’t understand why you couldn’t have gone to the Knicks or the Nets, or even the 76ers. I mean, somewhere East Coast.”
“Does it matter? We’ll be together and to me that’s what’s important.”
I rest my face in my hands, so frustrated that we are still in this situation. I know I should jump at this, but something is telling me no. I just don’t know what it is.
“Please, baby, just let me take care of you.”
“Bain, I can’t sit back and depend on you like that.”
“Please, just say yes. Marry me and make me the happiest man alive, I promise I’ll never, ever, let you down…”
I wake sweaty and out of it. Blinking a few times, it takes me a moment to realize that it was all just a dream. Thank God it was only a dream! I hear Aubrey come in the front door. Finally. I’ve barely seen her for the past four days. She comes straight into my room and sits on my bed.
“Hey, I thought you had work today.”