When I didn’t answer, his tone became menacing. ‘Violet, so help me God, answer me.’
I spun around to face him, my eyes locking with his and menacing in their own right. ‘It never leaves. From the moment I was revived, it has never left. You call me a coward for turning off my emotions, but without my shields I’d be just as insane as any exile.’
Lincoln shook his head again, now frantic. ‘They said … Everyone said when I woke up that physically you’d been fine. And you look—’ He held a hand out to me. ‘Damn it, you’re more beautiful than ever. How do you even stand up?’
‘Because I have no choice.’
His mouth dropped open. ‘But you do! We can fix this! I can fix this! Our souls are made to be joined. How can you have let this go on?’ he screamed, looking so angry at the world, at me.
My anger rose up to match his. I clenched my hands. ‘Because I’m not interested in a band aid! It will only end up killing me when it gets ripped off!’
‘What the hell does that mean?’
I stepped towards him and pushed him in the chest. ‘You don’t get it – you never will! You want to run towards the fire to save me even when I’m the one carrying the bucket of water. You can’t help yourself!’
Lincoln threw his hands wide. ‘Because I fucking love you!’
My heart exploded, but I fought back my emotions and pushed against his chest again.
‘It’s not enough!’ I yelled. ‘I don’t want someone to die for me.’ My breath caught in my throat. ‘Don’t you get it, Linc? I need you to live for me. I needed you to let me risk my life when the alternative meant certain death for you. You left me!’ I cried. ‘And you did it with a full heart. You told yourself it was right, that you could make this sacrifice, but it was you who was the coward because you got to leave!’ I smacked my own chest. ‘I was the one left behind with the empty, broken soul.’
Tears were in his eyes. ‘But you brought me back! It could’ve all been okay. Why’d you bring me back? Just to punish me?’
‘What did you expect me to do? Bring you back and then just stand aside so I could watch you die for me all over again? I’d rather live on the other side of the world, cold and in constant agony, and at least know that somewhere you still exist, because I know for certain that if you’re with me – you’re as good as gone.’
Lincoln’s voice lowered. ‘Tell me you wouldn’t do the same for me. If I was in trouble, that you wouldn’t give everything?’
‘Not if it meant my leaving just so you could stay. I wouldn’t condemn you to this life. I’d have your back to the last. I’d do everything I could bar simply taking your place. But you would, even if it weren’t certain I would die without your stepping in.’
‘That’s why you left.’ His shoulders dropped. ‘That’s why you were so upset with me tonight when I stepped into the fight.’
‘I left because I promised my angel maker that I’d fight harder and give everything to hunting down exiles. It was our deal – my decision, no one else’s – and I knew that all my future offered me was more blood. More death. I could live with that, I’d been given my three wishes, but I couldn’t sentence all my friends to that future too.’
Lincoln fell to his knees. ‘Three wishes?’
I’d said too much.
‘Your parents?’
I nodded.
‘The other two?’
When I didn’t answer he yelled, ‘Tell me!’
I swallowed. ‘Phoenix. Though apparently I needn’t have worried about him.’
‘I heard he was an angel again. That he helped you.’
I nodded. ‘He’s a kind of guide now, but when he died I thought he’d gone to the pits. So, I asked for him to be okay. Turns out he already was.’
‘Have you seen him often?’ he rasped.
‘Only a few times.’
Lincoln nodded. ‘And the third?’
I sighed. ‘What do you think?’
He looked up, ruined just like me. ‘I think you gave up your family and friends and everything you have known and loved to become a warrior in return for bringing me back. And then you left me behind where I was expected to live in the shadow of your life and be reminded of you every day yet be without you just like you’re accusing me of doing. So, tell me,’ he said as he stood, ‘did you give up everything just so that I could live?’
He’d twisted my words.