‘Well, it worked out for the best then,’ I said. ‘You’ve done really well.’
He pushed away from the door. ‘You’re not understanding, Vi.’
He just called me Vi. Don’t let it affect you. Remember!
I cleared my throat. ‘I think I caught most of it and I’m sorry that I hurt you and that things have gone the way they have. But you’re better off. Trust me.’
‘No,’ he said, his eyes homing in on mine. ‘You’re definitely missing something. If I’d known you weren’t seeing Gray. If I’d—’
I cut him off. ‘It changes nothing, Lincoln.’
‘It changes everything!’ he thundered. ‘I let you go because I thought you’d moved on! That I was ruined because I couldn’t do the same but if you could, then I really had no right to stand in your way!’ He was still yelling. ‘But you’re not fixed at all, are you? We’re still us in all the terrible ways and none of the good!’
He was moving. I couldn’t breathe as he stalked across the room, my back hitting the wall when I tried to retreat. ‘There is no way I’m going to stand by and let you walk out of my life again.’
I was stunned, but Lincoln didn’t hesitate. He grabbed me, a hand on either side of my face, and slammed his mouth against mine.
Every sensation I’d spent every second of every day trying to suppress flamed to life. Honey and the warmth of the sun enveloped me, and my body tightened in all that was bittersweet. It only lasted a few seconds before I threw him off me, breathless.
But no one forgets heaven. Even if you only get it for a few seconds.
And then I snapped, trembling from head to toe. ‘Get the hell off me, damn you. You have no right to do this!’
But Lincoln showed no sign of backing down. I’d never seen him like this. ‘I have every right and you know it. I gave up everything for you!’
And there we had it. The reminder I needed.
I bristled, my expression turning cold. ‘No,’ I said, suddenly calm. ‘You took everything from me.’
He blinked. ‘I gave my life for us!’
‘You gave it for you!’ I threw back.
‘What the hell are you talking about?’
‘You want to know why we can’t be together? Fine! I can’t ever be with you because you’ll always be there to jump in and die for me. You’ll die to save me and gladly leave me behind again. I’m barely here as it is, barely alive!’ My voice broke, but now the words were coming, they weren’t about to stop. ‘Do you remember what it felt like when your soul shattered?’
‘Yes,’ he sneered. ‘It isn’t something I’ll forget.’
‘Tell me,’ I demanded.
He visibly shuddered, his voice dropping. ‘It was painful. Incredibly so. It surpasses anything imaginable. I can’t put it into words.’
‘Cold,’ I said softly.
His brow furrowed. ‘Yes. It was like an intense cold but so much worse, and everything felt twisted inside. Like it was all converging and exploding at the same time and then on top of it all was something so suffocating and inescapable because it was locked in my own body.’
I nodded. ‘And how long did it last before there was nothing, before you were completely shattered?’
He swallowed hard. ‘Minutes maybe. It could’ve been less or more but if felt like a lifetime.’
‘And when you came back, the pain was gone?’ I held my breath, knowing that this would answer one of my greatest fears.
‘It was. Not that it mattered.’
A tear slipped down my cheek. As much as it was a relief to know his soul pain ended when I brought him back it was still horrible to know he’d had to suffer the pain even just for a few minutes. ‘Just leave, Lincoln,’ I said quietly. ‘Please go.’
He crossed his arms over his chest. ‘Nothing you can say will make me leave this room. Why are you asking about it, anyway, and who told you about the coldness?’
But even as he said it, the realisation dawned on his face. He stumbled back a step. ‘No,’ he whispered.
I couldn’t respond.
‘No, it can’t be.’ His head was shaking back and forth, the action a plea more than anything else.
I looked away.
‘How?’ he breathed. ‘How can you have gone through it and still be here? I don’t understand.’
It was a reasonable question. In his mind and anyone else’s I must not have endured the pain of the shattering because I didn’t disappear like he and Nyla had.
I let out a sad breath knowing that I couldn’t leave it hanging like this. It was better to just get it done. Finished. I turned towards the window.
‘After Phoenix killed me and brought me back, my soul couldn’t find you. It hadn’t experienced the disconnection in the way yours had but it responded nonetheless. The pain was there in all its glory but I didn’t shatter completely, although there are times I wish for it.’
‘Are times? Wish – as in still. Now?’