Today.
And I didn’t even realize it. It’s been one year today since Aaron died.
I look at Liam with tears building. I’m here on vacation with Liam—making love, having fun, and I didn’t realize it’s the anniversary of my husband’s death.
“I didn’t mean to scare you. Are you okay?” he asks concerned.
“Liam,” I say with my hand on his arm. “I don’t know . . . I mean . . . today is a year. Today makes one year since he died.” I look up with despair. I’m an awful person. I mean, I didn’t even know. I didn’t think about it or him. Yes, he hurt me, but still. Shouldn’t I be in Pennsylvania? I suddenly want to vomit.
Liam stands there and doesn’t say a word. Guilt for two men becomes too much for me. I’m standing here on vacation with my boyfriend crying over my dead husband. The day after we had sex for the first time. Oh my God. I’m going to lose it.
“I need a minute,” I say and rush down the stairs.
There are no answers here to ease my mind. Nothing is right and yet nothing is wrong. I made my peace with Aaron. I made my choice with Liam, but at this moment, my two worlds are colliding and nothing fits.
I burst through the door onto the beach and fall to my knees. I’m more upset that I forgot. I don’t know what the protocol on mourning is, but shouldn’t I have remembered?
I think about the note I found with the apology. Maybe he was sorry about the affair. Maybe he was sorry he married me and was unhappy. Even though I don’t think that. Sure, we had hard times—all marriages do—but we had a lot of happy. We had laughs, love, and we had a family. I take this time here on the beach to forgive him and forgive myself. If I go off his letter, he wanted me to be free and to love again. I want that too.
And I have that.
I look toward the ocean and there are three wild horses trotting along the water. I’ve never seen the horses when I’ve been on the beach. They’re majestic and the three of them move a little slower for a moment.
The dark brown horse seems to be in charge as it leads the pack. There’s a light tan horse who’s in between the two darker horses. The other horse pushes past and is almost black. It’s the tallest of the three. It moves in front and the tan horse perks up.
I sit and watch them and can’t help but feel for the tan horse. I decide it’s a she. She has two male horses vying to lead her. But she’s wild and doesn’t want to be led. Again, I decide all of this. She wants to love, but feels torn between the two horses. When I’ve written their entire story in my mind, the dark brown horse turns and leaves her.
“I’m sorry too, Aaron. You left me.”
The two horses run in the opposite direction and I feel like somehow he just answered me.
Standing, I brush the sand off my legs and decide to find Liam. He deserves an explanation. When I turn, I see him standing a few feet behind me. His arms are at his sides and his eyes are sad.
“Liam,” I say as a plea.
He puts his hand up and then pinches the bridge of his nose. “I didn’t realize it either. I didn’t fucking remember.” He steps forward.
“I’m sorry I ran out like that. It’s not your fault. I felt like I was an awful person. Here I am,” I walk toward him, “Happy and in love. Falling asleep in your arms and wanting to be there again. It’s overwhelming all on its own. And then when I realized what today is, I felt this pang of guilt. But I choose you, Liam. I want to be in your arms. I want to be here with you. It’s you who has my heart.”
His eyes meet mine and he pulls me against him. Neither of us speaks and I wonder if he saw the horses. The symmetry between those three horses and myself spoke volumes to me. One of them would always have to be alone. They had to make choices about who should lead and who she should follow. But I don’t have to choose because one left, leaving my path clear.
I vow to myself to enjoy the rest of our trip together. To allow myself the break from the life that awaits me when I’m home. Liam is who I want to spend my time with. He’s who I love. I look forward to him calling, coming over, and he gives me everything I need. Liam and I may have been friends but I can’t help but wonder if this was how it was always meant to be.
“Good morning, sleepyhead.” Liam’s hot breath is against my ear. I curl into a ball and want desperately to be asleep.