Checking It Twice

chapter Twenty


Whoever decided Blue Monday was reserved for the last part of January clearly hadn’t been inside Kevin’s head lately. It’d been over a week since his going-away party, and the earth-shattering experience in the club’s steam room. He’d officially turned in his keys and said his final goodbyes last night. Over the past couple of days, he, Nick and Jana had spent a lot of time at her place. It’d been a not-so-unconscious decision to shield her from the depressing sight of the moving boxes piled in his living room.

But now here he was, faced with not only the packing ahead of him and the long, lonely drive to Vegas, but also the heavy weight of his choices. God knows he’d made some terrible ones in his life. He was a damn pro at it. Still, the heartache he was putting Jana through was the worst of them all. Even running out on Heather and Nick didn’t come close to comparing to this.

He frowned as he mulled over that thought. Jesus. Was this somehow comparable to that previous dickhead maneuver? Yeah, he’d accepted the job at the Cinders before getting involved in this complicated relationship with Jana and Nick. He’d sure as hell tried his damnedest to resist going down that slippery slope with them. But if that absolved him of any guilt, he didn’t feel it. Not hardly.

On top of that, he was still reeling from what happened in the steam room. Letting down his guard enough to expose a side of himself that he fought so hard to resist…it was unsettling. Watching others have sex came easier for him. He could still have the distance. Somewhat lock down his emotions. But with all those eyes on him…

A rap at his door announced Nick’s arrival. Breaking from his disturbed thoughts, Kevin crossed to the entry and freed the deadbolt. Nick stepped inside, his jaw tight as he surveyed the evidence of Kevin’s packing. “Don’t f*cking do this.”

He’d heard those same words from Nick countless times over the past week. “If you’re going to give me a hard time, you can leave now. I’ll pack everything myself.” Pivoting, he stalked into the kitchen and began clearing out the cupboards.

“She loves you, and you’re going to just walk away.”

Kevin winced, not at the tight fury in Nick’s tone—God knows he deserved that—but because Nick was right.

“You think I don’t know why you’re running scared?” Nick demanded.

“Dammit, I’m not—”

Nick cut him off with a fierce glare. “You are. It happens every f*cking time you start to get too close to someone. You figure you’ll check out first before they hurt you, f*ck you over. Abandon you.”

Queasiness pitched in Kevin’s stomach. “I don’t want to talk about this.”

“I don’t care. You need to talk about it, Kev. It’s not good to keep it all inside you.”

Without warning, his father’s stern, commanding voice whipped through him. Real men don’t cry or get emotional. Only weaklings and pansies. F*cking man up.

“Jana isn’t your mother. She’s not going to run away one day and drop off the face of the Earth.”

The nausea sloshing in his belly intensified. “I told you I don’t want to discuss this.”

“She’s also not Madison.”

Fury momentarily nosing its way to the forefront, he glared at Nick. “Goddamn it—”

“Never saying her name isn’t going to solve anything, Kev. You can’t just bury what happened. You’ll never heal that way.”

“What good will it do to talk about it? I f*cked my stepmother, Nick. Do you know how wrong that is? Jesus. I can’t erase that.”

A soft scuff drew his attention to the kitchen entry and Jana standing there. A hot wave of shame and embarrassment hit him dead center in the chest, and his stomach rolled. Her gaze held no judgment, maybe a hint of shock, but that was to be expected. “I—I’m sorry. I knocked first, but I guess you didn’t hear me.”

He swallowed, words failing him. He just wished that’d been the case a minute ago. Then he wouldn’t be standing here feeling naked and exposed.

Jana stepped toward him, her eyes soft and beseeching. “Nick’s right. It’s not good to hold things in. Whatever…happened with your stepmother…well, obviously it’s something you haven’t let go of, and it’s hurting you.” She took his hand and kissed his fingertips before cradling his palm against her heart. “I don’t want you to hurt anymore. Please talk to me.”

He stared at their joined hands, then the floor. Maybe if he didn’t look her in the eye, it would be easier. “I don’t know if I can do this.”

“You can. I would never judge you.”

His heart pounded. He’d lived most of his life feeling judged by those who had the power to hurt him most. It was difficult to get past the shame and guilt that’d been his constant companions for so many years. Queasiness roiling in his gut, he stared at Jana. She needed to hear this. Needed to know the ugly truth about him. Then she’d be able to decide if she could continue to not judge him.

He dragged in a deep breath and released it wearily. “When I was fifteen years old, I lost my virginity to my stepmother.” He waited for his nausea to abate before risking a peek at Jana’s face. Her expression hadn’t changed one iota from the gentle, loving one she’d worn two seconds ago.

He sucked in another fortifying breath, steeling himself, before freeing the lock guarding the most shameful period of his life. No gory detail was spared. From the very first time Madison discovered his propensity for voyeurism when she’d caught him blushing like crazy after accidentally witnessing her naked in the pool, and then later using his weakness to seduce him. It wasn’t until he spilled the part about his father kicking him out after learning about the two-year affair that Jana interrupted him.

Her expression fiery with temper, she gasped. “How could he do such a douche-bag thing? Clearly Madison seduced you, and you’re his son, for God’s sake.”

“Sweetness, I’ve said the same thing a million times.” Nick squeezed Kevin’s arm. “Take our word for it—your dad is a f*cking a*shole.”

“I’m not entirely innocent. I did all those things behind his back. That makes me a pretty lousy son.”

Nick shook his head. “No, it makes you human. Capable of f*cking up, just like the rest of us. Madison was an adult. Twice your age. Plenty of people would consider what she did far more despicable than you giving in to her.”

Kevin wanted to agree with everything they were saying, but he’d held on to this guilt for so long, it was tough to let go. What if his father was right and Kevin was twisted and sick? Normal people wouldn’t have affairs with their stepmothers. Normal people wouldn’t get off on watching others have sex. Normal people wouldn’t have sex in a room full of strangers and f*cking come like crazy.

Gut cramping, he stared at his feet before giving Jana a tortured glance. “I know these sex games we’ve played at are exciting to you right now. But it goes deeper than that for me, Jana. I’ve tried so many times to beat the voyeurism, but I can’t.”

She cupped his jaw. “The people who’ve told you it’s wrong and something you need to beat are judgmental a*sholes. Never be ashamed of who you are.”

He swallowed. “I don’t know how to feel anything but shame about it.”

She wrapped an arm around his waist and leaned up to kiss him. “Then let Nick and me show you that we’re in this with you for the long haul. We’ll never judge you. Or leave you.” A tear slipped down her cheek. “Please give us a chance.”

The albatross of his guilt still hung heavy around his neck. She slipped her fingers through his before leading him down the hall to his bedroom. He hesitated in the doorway. Addicted as he was to his voyeurism, it didn’t hold a candle to the crushing, desperate need he had for the woman next to him. To love someone this fiercely…it scared the living shit out of him.

Because if the day came when she started seeing him as the dysfunctional mess that he was…

Apparently sensing his inner turmoil, she began gently removing his clothes, pausing every now and then to soothe him with reassuring kisses. After dispensing with her sweater and jeans, she pulled him onto the bed and climbed on top of him. Lacing their fingers again, she kissed him sweetly. He heard Nick enter the room, but Jana kept him preoccupied with her drugging kisses.

The mattress dipped as Nick settled beside them. “You belong with us, Kev. You damn well know moving to Vegas isn’t the answer. All these years of running—it doesn’t mean shit when the person you’re running from is yourself.”

Before Kevin could formulate a reply, Jana distracted him again by wiggling, brushing his belly with her slick p-ssy. She took the condom that Nick handed her and sheathed Kevin’s cock with the latex. She eased onto his shaft with a blissful sigh and rocked her hips. Something soft and braided snaked around Kevin’s inner thigh and wound along the outside of Jana’s. It took a second for Kevin to realize that Nick was binding them together. He stiffened. In more ways than one. He opened his mouth to demand what Nick was doing, but the only thing that came out was a raspy groan when Jana twisted her hips.

“There’s something very symbolic about bindings. Releasing control, allowing yourself to be tied up or to someone…it can be freeing.” Nick pulled the opposite end of the rope underneath Kevin’s ass and deftly bound his and Jana’s other leg. His grin wicked, Nick wound both rope ends around his fists as he settled behind Jana and worked his cock into her p-ssy too, stretching her full. “Plus, it’s sexy as hell.”

Kevin’s heart pounded. He understood the message Nick and Jana were delivering. He’d have to be f*cking obtuse not to. Everything inside him yearned to be an integral part of this bond. To finally just let himself go and trust his heart.

Jana stroked his jaw again, and he kissed her fingers when they brushed over his lips. As she ground into him, more tears glimmered in her eyes. “Never be ashamed. I love you exactly the way you are.”

Her words broke something loose inside him, and he felt his own eyes filling with moisture. A thick layer of the shame that’d crusted around his psyche peeled away, and he whispered the words that’d been buried in his heart for the last five years. “I love you, Jana.”

And with those words, another layer of shame flaked off his soul, disappearing with the demons who’d kept him shackled to his guilt.

There would be no more running. Not when his entire future was right here with him.