Chapter Nine
When Cade entered the barn to tend to the horses, he was surprised to see Jocelyn’s friend, Kyla, standing in front of Wildfire’s stall. She looked like she was trying to decide whether or not to get any closer.
What was she doing here? He hadn’t seen much of her except at the dinner and at the bar last night. Cade wasn’t sure what to make of her. Since Jocelyn left, the perverse need to follow her career had him reading every news article he’d come across about her and that included some of the people she associated with. What he’d read about Kyla Page hadn’t exactly been favorable, yet she didn’t seem like the demanding diva he thought she’d be. By her mere association with Jocelyn, however, he knew he’d need to be wary.
“She won’t bite.”
Kyla jumped with a yelp. “Jesus Christ. You scared me.”
“My apologies. If you want to stick around to look at the horses, feel free to do so. I just needed to check on Wildfire. I fitted her with a new shoe the other day and I want to make sure she’s faring well.”
“She’s a beautiful horse. They all are.”
“Thank you. Do you know anything about horses?”
Kyla shook her head. “No. Actually this is the first time I’ve been close to one without a handler.”
“On a modeling shoot?”
She raised a brow. “You know who I am?”
Cade lifted his head to look at her. “I didn’t realize your profession was a secret. I would think a person of your fame would get recognized quite a bit.”
Kyla shrugged. “Depends on where I am and whether I want to be noticed.”
“Well, your secret is safe with me if you’re worried. But it won’t be long before others figure out Jocelyn’s friend Kyla is actually the Kyla Page.” Cade snorted. “I can’t imagine where you wouldn’t be famous. You’re lucky no one recognized you at the bar.”
She grimaced. “Well, I didn’t exactly encourage anyone to approach me. I got out of there before someone could.”
“I see. Tired of your adoring fans?”
“I get the distinct impression you don’t like me very much and now I wonder if it’s because you might have read or seen something on television about me.”
“What would give you that impression?” He didn’t bother hiding the sarcasm.
Kyla’s nostrils flared. “Call it a hunch. Maybe I should go.”
“Don’t run off on my account.” Whatever his issue was with Jocelyn it wasn’t fair of him to take it out on her friend. No matter what he’d read about the famous Kyla Page he didn’t know how much stuff written on her was true. She at least deserved the benefit of the doubt. “Look, I’m sorry. I guess I’ve been a little testy lately. And I was serious. I won’t tell anyone about you if you don’t want me to.”
“Thank you.” She eyed the horse. “Can I pet her?”
“Sure go ahead, just be gentle. She likes the attention.”
“Thanks.” Tentatively, she reached across the gate and patted the mare on the nose.
Wildfire whinnied with pleasure.
“I think she likes me.” Kyla grinned.
“There aren’t many people she doesn’t. So what brings you out to the stables today? I can’t imagine it’s just to make small talk.” Cade opened Wildfire’s gate and stepped in. Slowly, he knelt down before her and gently grasped her ankle.
“Actually, I was looking for you. Your brother said you’d be heading this way so I thought I’d wait it out.”
Somehow he wasn’t surprised. Why else would she be here? “Now you’ve found me. What can I help you with?”
“I…well, I think we need to talk.”
This was a surprise. “Do we?”
She moistened her lips with the tip of her tongue. “It’s about Jocelyn.”
Cade used every ounce of concentration he had to complete his task before turning his attention back to Kyla. He put the mare’s foot back down and slowly stood up.
“Yeah? What about her?” He tried injecting an indifference in his voice he didn’t feel and silently congratulated himself for pulling it off.
“Do you think we could go somewhere privately, where we won’t be interrupted?”
“There’s no one around here but the horses. I’m sure they’ll keep quiet about whatever it is you have to tell me.”
She glanced over her shoulder as if to check the validity of his statement. “Are you sure no one else is going to come in here?”
Cade was fast losing patience. Why was Kyla being so secretive? And why couldn’t she just spit out what she wanted to say? “Look, this is about as private as we’re going to get, so you can either speak your piece or let me finish my work. I’m a busy man, Miss Page.” He glanced at his wrist watch hoping she’d get the hint.
“You shouldn’t take everything at face value—where she’s concerned, I mean.”
“Gotcha. Is that it?”
“No, dammit! Would you stop being so obstinate and at least give me the courtesy of finishing before you dismiss me?”
“Lady, I think I’ve been pretty patient up until now. If it’s so important, you would have said it by now.”
“Breaking a confidence is never easy, and I’m probably putting my friendship with Jocelyn in jeopardy by telling you this, but it’s about why she never came back to the ranch all those years ago.”
Cade paused. There was nothing in Kyla’s speech or demeanor that indicated she was anything but sincere, but what possible excuse could she offer for the things he’d already been told—words that had come from Jocelyn’s mouth. Still, curiosity kept him rooted to the spot. “I’m listening.”
“Jocelyn is still in love with you.”
Crossing his arms across his chest, he tapped his foot in annoyance. What kind of mind game was she playing? “She has a funny way of showing it and if that’s your big revelation you’ve wasted your time.” Turning on his heel, he had every intention of walking away. If this was some cruel joke Kyla was attempting to play on him, she couldn’t have hit any lower, especially when he was only beginning to admit to himself his feelings were just as strong as ever for Jocelyn, damn her black heart.
“Cade, wait!” Kyla called out.
He kept on, blocking out her plea.
“Jocelyn was raped!”
He stumbled over his own feet and barely escaped landing on his face. Once he’d righted himself, he whirled around and strode back. He stopped so close to Kyla, his face was mere inches from hers. Surely he hadn’t heard what he thought she said. He couldn’t have. “What did you say?”
“Jocelyn was raped. That’s why she never came back. It’s why she told you what she did. I wanted her to tell you herself because I thought you should know, but…”
Cade searched the model’s face for any sign of duplicity. Would she be so cruel as to make up such a sick lie? No. No one could be so evil to make up something this vile. “You’re lying!”
Kyla lifted her chin and sniffed indignantly. “Why in the world would I lie about something as horrific as that? I shouldn’t be telling you in the first place, but I thought you needed to know. Was I mistaken to think that you might still care about her?”
Cade shook his head wordlessly, unable to deny that particular claim. He grabbed her by the forearms. “Where? When did this happen? Tell me what you know.” In his shock, he shuddered Kyla with each word. Cade’s body shook from all the emotion coursing through him. Jocelyn violated? Raped? Why hadn’t he been told?
“Wait. Let me go and I’ll tell you everything. Just calm down.”
When he realized what he’d done, he released her. “I’m sorry.” He raked his hand through his hair. “But you have to admit that’s a helluva allegation you’re tossing around. Why would she keep something like that to herself and why would that prevent her from coming home? I mean she would have told me, right? I loved her.”
“Whoa, cowboy, I’ll answer all your question as best as I can, but first, I’d rather us go to a spot where there’s no chance of anyone coming by. This is no one else’s business. I shouldn’t even be telling you, but—”
“Like hell you shouldn’t. Come with me. We’ll take a walk.”
Once they were a good distance away from the barns and stables, he halted, unable to take another step without finding out the truth. “Okay, no one is around.”
Kyla released a resigned sigh, her eyes downcast. “Jocelyn and I met about five years ago, and even though she hadn’t started her own label yet, she was starting to make quite a name for herself in the fashion industry. I don’t really open myself up to a lot of people, but I saw something in her and Jocelyn in me so we clicked. Anyway, one night at a launch party, she went into a full-blown panic attack. She locked herself in a bathroom, and it took me over an hour to get her to open the door for me.” She closed her eyes with a shake of her head, as she relived the memory.
“What happened next?”
Kyla released a deep breath. “She was a mess. Jocelyn clung to me and cried like she wouldn’t stop. Once she’d managed to calm down a bit, I took her home and after a little persuasion, she told me what had happened to her. Apparently, one of the guys at the party reminded her of one of the men who attacked her.”
Anger ripped through his gut. It felt as if he’d stepped into an alternate universe. Men in the plural? His Jocelyn? How could this have happened? “There was more than one of the motherf*ckers?” he roared.
Kyla nodded. “From what I understand, she was in Dallas at the time for an internship and she’d gone to a party with a few friends from work. That’s where she met this guy. He and a couple of his friends held her hostage in a room and…” Her dark eyes glistened with unshed tears. “I think one of them drugged her drink and she barely had the strength to fight back.”
Cade balled his fingers into fist before relaxing them. He still had a difficult time wrapping his mind around what Kyla had just told him. “But…I don’t understand? Why? Why didn’t she tell me? I loved her, worshiped the ground she walked on. I was sick with love for her. Sick with it!”
“That’s exactly why. She knew you loved her and Jocelyn didn’t feel she deserved you after what happened. She blamed herself for the incident and continues to do so. She lives in shame and it haunts her. Jocelyn told me she couldn’t face anyone at the ranch, especially you.”
“Oh, my God,” he whispered, allowing Kyla’s words to finally sink in.
“Oh my God is right. After the attack, Jocelyn was beside herself. She quit her internship and stayed with her friend until her funds ran low. After that she took a job as a waitress to make ends meet. It was only by chance she ran into someone from her old job who put her in contact with a designer who was looking for an assistant. Everything she told you was a lie, because she knew you’d probably stand by her side.”
“Of course I would have. Something this terrible happens and she decides to keep it from me!”
“Cade, there’s more.”
“What could be worse than that?”
“Those guys…they hurt her pretty bad, so badly in fact, her womb was damaged. She may not be able to have children. So you see, in her mind, if you would have accepted her no matter what, Jocelyn felt you would eventually come to hate her for not being able to provide you with what you wanted. A family. You guys used to talk about it, she told me.”
“Yeah, but hell, kids don’t matter to me if I can’t have her. How could she have thought something so insignificant would be more important than she and I being together?”
“She thought she was doing the right thing by letting you go and Jocelyn believed the best way to do that was to make you hate her. At least then you’d be able to move on and find someone else.”
Cade snorted. “As if that tactic worked. As much as I tried to fight it these past couple weeks I’m still crazy about her. I was kidding myself all these years when I told myself I wasn’t.” He wanted to hit something. Kill someone, anything to release this rage boiling through his veins.
“Cade, it’s not about you. Imagine what Jocelyn was going through. Whether she made the right decision by not telling you isn’t up for debate. This is her story to tell, but I thought you should know.”
“Why did you tell me?”
“Jocelyn told me the significance of the song last night. You wouldn’t dance with your date when it came on. It showed me you still cared, or at least, I hoped it did.”
“Thank you for telling me. Where is she now?”
“She’s at her dad’s house working on Miss Lavern’s wedding dress.”
“Thanks again, Kyla.” He started to walk away and then stopped. “Umm.” He scratched his head, turning to face Kyla. “I’m sorry for the things I’ve said about you. I have the tendency of jumping to conclusions sometimes.”
She smiled. “It’s okay. Go to her, and tell her I’m really sorry.”
“I’m sure she’ll forgive you.”
“I sure hope so.”
How was he going to put right all the pain he must have caused her over the past several days? And how could he convince her she was the only woman he’d ever love and nothing else mattered. Cade knew it would be an uphill battle but he was a determined man who wouldn’t rest until Jocelyn was his again.
“Sweetie, you have a visitor.” Lavern walked into the spare bedroom where Jocelyn had set up a makeshift workstation.
“Who is it?”
“It’s Cade. He’s waiting in the living room for you. I’m going to run into town to get a few groceries. Do you need anything, dear?”
Jocelyn could only manage to shake her head, wondering what Cade could want. Why was he here? She shut off her sewing machine and walked over to the full length mirror. What a mess. Her hair hung in loose tendrils around her head, escaping the rubber band she’d used to hold it together. She was wearing her oldest pair of jeans and a T-shirt with a hole in the bottom. Should she change or at least make herself look presentable? No. Why bother? No matter what she wore, he’d probably still hate her. Taking a deep breath, she squared her shoulders and walked to the living room.
The moment she saw the look on Cade’s face, Jocelyn knew she’d been found out.
Kyla.
Why couldn’t her friend keep her big mouth shut?
Steeling herself for the confrontation she’d hoped to avoid while here on the ranch, Jocelyn raised her chin defiantly in the face of his anger and crossed her arms over her chest. She hoped the attitude she projected was one of nonchalance even though she felt like a frightened little girl on the inside.
Judging from the red hue shading his face and the vein throbbing in his forehead, Cade was a little more than upset.
He was pissed.
Without warning, he grabbed her forearms and gave her a shake. “I could throttle you, do you know that?”
“Take your hands off of me! You have no right to manhandle me like this.” She struggled against his tightening grip.
“I’d like to do more than this to you. When I think of how all these years I believed… You lied to me!” He let go of her arms abruptly.
The movement took her by surprise and she stumbled back and righted herself so she wouldn’t fall on her butt. She gasped at the sight of his rage. The Devlin temper was legendary in these parts, but she’d never seen Cade quite like this before.
This was beyond rage, and that old fear reared its head, robbing her of speech.
“Well? What do you have to say for yourself?” He took a step forward as though he were going to grab her again, but thought better of it.
Jocelyn opened her mouth to speak, but no words came out.
“Fine. You don’t have to say anything to me, but I have plenty to say to you. Do you realize how many sleepless nights I’ve spent wondering what I did wrong to drive you away? Woman, you had me so twisted on the insides, you nearly robbed me of my manhood. I hated you for what I believed you did to me, your father and my family.”
“I-I’m sorry.”
His narrowed gaze and flaring nostril told her he didn’t believe her. It was probably best if he continued to hate her, because she didn’t think she could even be the woman a man like him deserved. “Sorry? You should be, especially when I could have been there for you. Why? Why couldn’t you come to me, Jocelyn?”
She bit her lip to hold back the sob. His anger she could take, but the compassion and pity, she couldn’t. “What exactly would my telling you have accomplished? It wouldn’t have changed the fact that some lowlifes nearly destroyed me.”
“But I could have helped you through a difficult time. Even now, I still see you’re hurting from it. Every time I or one of my brothers even comes near you, you freeze up. I should have known something was up, but instead I hurt you even more didn’t I?”
She lifted her shoulder in an act of nonchalance. “You didn’t know.”
His sensual lips flattened, showing his displeasure. “But I should have known—been there for you.”
“It doesn’t matter anymore, Cade. What’s done is done and it’s in the past. You and I have been over for a long time.”
He shook his head vehemently, sending his dark blond locks flying around his face. “That’s where you’re wrong, sweetheart. We’re not finished by a long shot.”
She threw her hands up in the air, frustration making her body tremble. “I don’t have the strength to deal with this, Cade. Why couldn’t you let the past stay where it belongs? So what if I lied to you about my feelings and reasons for staying away? A lot of time has passed and I’m not the same innocent girl I once was.”
“That isn’t true. You may bear more scars, but you’re still the same Jocelyn I always knew…and loved.”
“Don’t.”
He took another step closer, stopping far enough away to be non-threatening but close enough to wreak havoc on her peace of mind. “I’m not going to walk away from this, Jocelyn. I made that mistake seven years ago, but I’m not going to repeat it. I should have known you were lying to me, should have insisted something wasn’t right, but I didn’t listen to my instincts.” Cade picked up a knick knack and hurled it across the room, making Jocelyn flinch. “Sorry about that. I’ll replace it, but shit, I should have known.”
“That was the point. I didn’t want you to know the truth. I don’t want you to feel sorry for me, and I especially don’t want you to feel obligated to be with me.” She turned her back to him, squeezing her eyes shut and willing him to go away. When she saw Kyla again, Jocelyn planned on giving her friend a piece of her mind and then some. How could she betray her secret?
Strong hands fell on her shoulders and forcibly turned her around. “Don’t turn away from me dammit! I’m feeling a lot of things right now, but pity and obligation aren’t any of them. If anything, I want to strangle you for doing this to yourself, to us. How could you not come to me when something so terrible happened? Who were these bastards? Tell me where they are.” His face colored to a deep shade of red in his fury.
“Even if I knew their names or where to find them, I wouldn’t tell you. It would change nothing.”
“The hell it wouldn’t! I’d have the satisfaction of ripping those motherf*ckers to shreds for doing this to you. If only I had known.” His voice grew hoarse with emotion and his blue eyes looked suspiciously moist.
She had to get rid of him somehow, make him go away, for his own good. The last thing she wanted was to sentence him to a life of bitterness and regret. If she did cave and allow him into her heart again, he’d eventually come to resent her for the things she couldn’t give him. He probably wouldn’t say anything but she’d see it in his eyes and soon Cade would come to hate her. Jocelyn knew part of her would die because of it.
When she’d made Cade believe those lies about her, in her mind it was better that he hate her for something she could control rather than something she couldn’t.
In a desperate move, she shoved him away from her with all her might. “Get away from me, Cade. So what if you know. It doesn’t change things. I don’t want you. As a matter of fact, I can’t wait until this wedding is over so I can leave this place. God, it’s boring and do you honestly think I could love a man with such a small town mentality? Do you think I could ever settle for living out in the middle of nowhere when I know what the big world has to offer? No thanks.”
“Why you… “ He advanced on her, his fists clenched at his sides and nostrils flaring, before halting mid-stride. “No. That’s what you want me to believe, don’t you? You still want me to think you’re a heartless, shallow bitch. It’s not going to work this time, Jos. Not when I know the truth. Even now you’re trying to push me away because you think you’re doing me some big favor. But the truth is, if you send me away again, my life wouldn’t be worth a damn without you nor would yours without me.”
She shook her head. “No. You’re reading more into things than there are. I don’t lo—”
“You’re lying, Jocelyn. Do you know how I know?”
She lowered her head, refusing to meet his gaze. It would have been so easy for her to fall into his strong arms and declare her love for him, but fear and shame held her immobile. She had no right to love Cade.
He grasped her chin with his thumb and index finger and gently tilted her head until they were looking into each other’s eyes. “Since you’ve been home, I’ve been fighting my feelings for you, avoiding you when I could, but I’ve still seen you around. I know how you visit Aunt Earlene every day and talk over coffee and that you’re planning on designing a dress for her for the wedding. I’m not really big on fashion, but I understand your stuff doesn’t come cheap. Aunt Earlene has talked of nothing else. I also know how you visit old Smokey every day with a carrot. Oh, yeah, he remembers you, too. I know how you get up early to help your father with some of his chores. I’ve seen you around the ranch and you certainly don’t carry the air of a woman who hates this place. Admit it. You still love the ranch.”
“Okay,” she exploded, swinging her head out of his grasp. “I do love this ranch. I miss it, but it doesn’t mean I feel the same way about you.”
“Jos, give it up. When our song played at the Drunken Lizard, I thought I was imagining that look you gave me, but now I’m positive I didn’t. You still love me. I only wish you’d admit it, because I never stopped loving you. I’ve fought against it, tried to occupy myself with other women, but I’ve always found something lacking in all of them. They weren’t you.”
As humiliating as it was, she’d have to play her ace in the hole. Only then would he fully understand why they could never have a future.
“So you still love me?”
“More than life, Jocelyn. Why do you think I’ve been hurting so damn much when you refused to come back to the ranch for all those years?”
“And would you like to marry me?”
“In a heartbeat.”
“And raise a family?”
“Of course.”
“That’s too bad, Cade, because I can’t have children or at least my chances are slim to nil. What do you think about that? How do you like them apples? I’m not a whole woman. And you would be better off walking out the door right now and forgetting about me.”
His eyes widened and his mouth opened and closed.
Jocelyn looked away from him again, unable to take any scorn that might enter his expression.
“Did those animals do that to you?” Though Kyla had already told him as much, it still didn’t seem real to him until he’d heard the pain-laced words from Jocelyn’s lips. Even now he still tried to make sense of it all.
His softly spoken words made her flinch. She didn’t want his compassion. She wanted him to leave and not prolong this anguish ripping her apart.
“Did they, Jocelyn?”
She nodded, not trusting herself to speak.
“I see.”
Jocelyn fully expected him to leave her then, but instead she found herself engulfed inside his arms. Cade rested his face against her hair. “Oh, baby, I’m so sorry.”
She pushed against his chest in an attempt to break free. “No, Cade. Please let me go.”
“Never. Once was enough, and you’re going to have to accept it.”
“Stop—”
“Loving you? Tried it, but I couldn’t do it.” His hold tightened around her. “If you have to cry, or vent, let it out, but I’ll be damned if I let you go again.”
Jocelyn made the mistake of meeting his gaze. The sincerity and love swimming within the depth of his eyes was her undoing. She’d thought she’d cried her last tear when she’d confessed what happened to her father, but it was like a dam bursting within her. Sobs made her body shudder and shake as tears ran from her eyes.
Cade stroked the back of her head and dropped kisses on her forehead. His understanding only made her cry harder. Dealing with his animosity had been one thing, but his kindness was quite another because now she didn’t have the strength to turn him away. She wondered if it was selfish of her to allow him to sacrifice his hope for a family to be with her.
Several minutes later, when she had no more tears to cry, her body exhausted from the outpour of emotion, Jocelyn sagged against Cade’s lean frame.
With a dexterous movement, he scooped her into his arms and carried Jocelyn to her bedroom, and gently laid her on the center of the bed. Too weak to protest or even ask Cade what he thought he was doing, she lay there as he eased off her shoes and socks. Then he somehow managed to pull her comforter from beneath her and cover her with it, before easing his body next to her.
“Cade,” she croaked.
“Shh. Go to sleep, honey. You need your rest. I’ll be right here if you need anything. But know this, Jocelyn, I’m in this for the long haul and if you get some foolish notion in your head to leave me again, I’ll follow you to the ends of the earth.”
As she waged a losing battle against sleep, Jocelyn huddled deeper into the cover and against Cade’s warmth, a sense of peace washing over her.