Blessed Tragedy

chapter Twenty-Three



I didn't look at Colton as we sat across the table from one another sipping our coffee. I couldn't. If I did, he'd want to know what I was thinking in regards to the band and I didn't have answers for him. If I took the advice everyone had been shoving down my throat for the past month, the wise choice would be to take some time off and figure out my own life. If I followed my heart, I would be in the studio immediately making up for lost time but I knew that was primarily because being in Blessed Tragedy was my comfort zone. Fortunately, Colton didn't pressure me to open up to him and we sat in a slightly uncomfortable silence until our mugs were empty.

“Time to get this over with,” Colton said. I fell in step behind him for the short walk to my hotel. “So, you going to keep me waiting too?” He asked, his arm casually draped around my shoulder in what could only be described as a completely platonic gesture.

“Only as much as I keep myself waiting,” I said keeping my eyes straight ahead.

“Meaning?”

“Meaning I have no clue yet what I'm going to do. I know what I should do. I know what I want to do. But we need to sit and talk before I decide which way to go.”

Colton texted the rest of the guys while I changed into something more comfortable than the turquoise shift dress and pumps I'd worn to court. Feeling more like myself in a pair of shredded skinny jeans and tank top, I relaxed on the couch in the sitting area until it was time for our meeting. Colton pulled me close to him and I drifted to sleep nestled in the crook of his arm. I still wasn't sure what I wanted from us but there was no denying it felt amazing to be so close to him again.

Thirty-five nights of restless sleep takes its toll on the body. Finally seeing an end to the madness that had become my life, I didn't just doze on Colton's shoulder, I crashed. Hard. When I woke up, Colt was no longer next to me but I could hear him talking in the other room.

“I'm not sure man, she's still pretty hot,” he said, I could only assume to Jon. “We'll talk when you get here, but she made it clear to me last night that all isn't just going to be forgiven...no, not just with the band...I'm trying...okay, see you soon.” His phone hit the hardwood dining table and he let out a frustrated groan.

“They're late,” I said looking at the display on my own phone.

“Yeah, Jon had a visit this morning about Tanya. I figured you'd understand.”

“Are they on their way? I'm not sure when Mark and Dale are coming back and I really don't need them butting in.” It irritated me that something so crucial to the future was delayed, even if it was for a good reason. No, make that a great reason since Jon's meeting was likely one step closer to me clearing my name.

“Yeah, they'll be here soon. I'm going to get something to eat, you hungry?” Colton picked up the phone and ordered two burgers and beers without waiting for a response. “You're too damn skinny. Need to start eating again.” It was true. My already slender frame was nearly ten pounds lighter thanks to the stress. Ten pounds I really couldn't afford to lose. Knowing my luck, if any of the paps saw me while I was in town, they'd use it as further evidence that I was using again.

The meeting with Jon, Travis and Jared went about the way I expected it to. They apologized for having less than no faith in me. I broke down while telling them how much it hurt to be put in that position. They asked me to take back my resignation. I told them I'd think about it.

And that was where things took a turn away from the expected.

“Look, I stand by my statement that you need to get healthy,” Jon said staring directly at me. “You've been through a world of shit this year and you've been trying to get through it alone from the word go. That shit stops. Now.”

Colton sat straight in his chair like he wanted to say something but Jon motioned for him to keep his mouth shut. “I don't care what it takes. I want you back. We need you back. But we need you healthy. Physically and emotionally. If that means we stay in town a few months, I'm willing to do it.”

“Jon, we already committed to dates this fall,” Travis chimed in. He was right, but that didn't make his words sting any less. If we pulled out of the shows we'd signed on for, there could be penalties and it would mean our crew wasn't working. I couldn't ask anyone to deal with that.

“No. We'll deal with it. I don't want to do this without her and I'm not going to go back on the road wondering how much more she can take before she cracks,” Jon said as though I wasn't sitting across the table from him. “She needs this, we stay home.”

“Jon, I can't--”

“Dammit, woman! What's it going to take for you to hear me? I know we all f*cked up and you're pissed. But now, it's time to pick up and get things right.” His eyes narrowed on me, daring me to disagree.

“Okay, I hear you. But I can't ask you to cancel dates when I'm still not sure what's going to happen.” I'd decided after talking to Colton last night that I did need to talk to a professional but I knew there was at least a chance they'd agree that going back on the road, being part of the band I felt betrayed me, wasn't the best decision I could make for my emotional well-being. “I'm going to find someone. I'm going to, as you say, get myself healthy emotionally. But what happens if I still can't go on the road after all that? There's a whole lot of poison that's been dumped into our little group over the past few months. I can't guarantee an outcome.”

“Well, I guess that's a chance we have to take,” Jon stated. “Plain and simple, I want you to do what you need to do. I'm hoping like hell that at the end of whatever happens, you getting your ass in the studio is part of what you decide is best. It's what you were made to do and I don't think you'll be truly happy until you're living your dreams again. Without the bullshit this time.”

Jon was nothing if not just as stubborn as me. He wasn't willing to let me go and I wasn't willing to stay. Yes, we live in a free country and he couldn't force me to stay but deep down we all knew he was right.

“Okay, here's my compromise. I won't make a decision before the end of the year. If I decide I'm ready to play, you let me play. But I won't make any rash decisions one way or the other. In the meantime, the show goes on. Jared doesn't have many vocals right now, shift shit around. Give him a few leads. Colton can handle the rest with some rearranging. I'm not going to let my f*cked up head take money out of the pockets of the crew going into the holidays. Deal?”

This was the new Maddie-slash-Rain confidence coming through. When I wasn't being a stubborn, emotional ass, I was someone I could respect. I spoke my mind and didn't back down. I hoped with the help of therapy, and quite possibly legal pharmaceuticals, this would be the me my guys would come to know from this moment forward.

Colton squeezed my thigh and winked when I looked at him. I knew he was proud of how I was handling myself too. And probably more than just a little grateful that I was willing to work on moving past my own hurt and anger.

“Deal.” Jon sauntered around the table. “Now, give me a f*cking hug.” He wrapped his arms tightly around my torso pulling my head to his chest. “I am sorry,” he whispered into my hair. “We all are. Now, can you try to give that p-ssy another chance? I think he's trying to take your spot as the biggest girl in the group.” That last part wasn't whispered and everyone but Colton erupted into uproarious laughter. Colton punched Jon in the shoulder, leading to the two of them boxing around the room. I had a feeling it was the first time in the month from hell they'd been able to relax too.