Blessed Tragedy

chapter Sixteen



Once I changed into a pair of boxers and a tank top, I flopped onto the sectional sofa to call Garrett. Since the night we'd gone to dinner when I was home, we tried to find time every week to talk and texted almost daily. He was one of the only people from Lexington I knew I could trust. He didn't talk to me because of who I was, he wanted to keep in touch with me despite who I was.

The first few times we talked were filled with awkward pauses. That's what happens when you lose touch with someone while you're as young as we were and then try to rekindle a friendship as adults. Since then, it's become much more comfortable. He tells me about all of the non-work he's done since we last talked and I have a safe ear to bend about everything that bothers me on the road. Everything except for anything about Colton. That was a topic I refused to share with him.

“It's awful quiet there; did you run away from the circus today?” Hearing him refer to my life as 'the circus' was nothing new. It didn't take him long at all to decide that's exactly what life on the bus was – a three-ring circus. I couldn't say I disagreed with him most of the time.

“No, they're all hanging out. Figured I'd call you instead.” I tried to sound cheerful but the truth was I hated letting Colton get to me to the point I was missing out on one of my favorite groups.

“Has anyone told you that you're a crap liar?” He laughed.

“Not in at least six hours. That obvious, huh?”

“Well, you might be able to fool some people, but anyone that really knows you can see through that.”

“And you think you do? Know me, that is.” I had a hard time believing anyone knew me given the fact that I had no clue who I was anymore.

“Yeah, twenty years gives you time to understand a person.” For a split second, I found myself wondering how different my life would be today if I hadn't been such a bitch to Garrett when we were younger, if he hadn't represented everything I was dying to get away from.

“Glad you think you know me because I sure as hell don't.”

“What's that mean?” I hadn't talked to anyone about how conflicted I'd been feeling in the past couple months.

“It's just been rough since Mom died, that's all.” We'd talked about everything that had gone down when I was home, so I hoped that would be explanation enough. Hearing voices approaching the bus, my flimsy excuse was going to have to be enough for now. “Look, I have to go.”

“Don't be like that. If you don't want to talk about it, we won't,” he sighed. For so many years, Garrett had put up with me locking everything inside and I knew it killed him. As bad as I felt about that, there was a very drunk boyfriend just a few feet away from the bus door and it wouldn't be pleasant if I was on the phone.

“Seriously, I have to go. The guys are headed back and I'd rather not be sitting here talking to you when they get here. They've all been drinking and I don't need their crap tonight.”

“What? You mean to tell me they'd have a problem with you talking to a friend when you're obviously upset about something? That's messed up, Maddie. They're your band mates, your co-workers, not your keepers.”

“No, it's not that. They're drunk, which means they're going to be loud and obnoxious. And who knows how many whores are going to be coming back for a piece of ass before we roll out later.” He didn't know how close he was to hitting the nail on the head. It wasn't that Colton had become my keeper, but I was worried about what he'd think in his current state if I was talking to another guy after ditching him. It wouldn't look good and I knew it.

“Yeah, whatever. Call or text me when you can.” Garrett's disapproving voice ripped me apart. I didn't deserve his friendship, especially when I repaid him by lying to him about the things that really mattered.

“I'll try to call you tomorrow afternoon, okay?” Maybe by then I'd have a better grip on where my head was at and I could talk to him about it. Maybe I'd know what was going on with Colton. Until I knew that, I wouldn't be able to talk to anyone because I didn't want to bring anyone else on board my personal crazy train.

“Okay. And Maddie...?”

“Yeah?”

“Take care of yourself,” he said tenderly. “You're a great girl. You need to make sure what you're doing is worth the price you're going to pay.”



I should have felt better after talking to Garrett but I felt so much worse. Not only was I no closer to understanding where things had taken a wrong turn with Colton, Garrett had me questioning whether or not I was cut out for this life. Was it worth it if I was thrown into a downward spiral where I could no longer see myself?



“Colton, knock it off man. You're f*cking drunk, it's not the time...” Jon's warning floated through the open window on the bus. I moved to the captain's chair on the other side of the aisle to eavesdrop. Again, not the mature thing to do but I wanted to know what was to come.

“F*ck that!” Colt shouted, “I know what I saw and I can't let it go. And then you two disappear all f*cking day. What would you think if it was your woman?” In the shadows, I could see Colton nearly chest to chest with Jon. If things escalated, I knew I'd have to sit there and watch them pummel one another. Neither of them were what you could call reasonable men when they were drunk and pissed off and each of them had nearly a foot on my small frame.

“Dude, listen to yourself. You're just going to throw away the one thing you've wanted for years without having any clue what's real and what's being twisted around,” Jon growled. “You're letting that bitch manipulate you, don't you see that?”

That bitch? Who is he talking about?

Jon staggered back a few steps as Colton pushed hard against his chest. “Now you're sticking up for her? Are you screwing her too? How do you explain this? Does it look like manipulation?” Colton held up his phone to Jon. I wished I knew what was on the screen right then.

“Man, f*cking talk to her. But not tonight. Why don't you head over to the other bus, sober up and then you two can sit down when we get to Springfield tomorrow.”

Jon grabbed Colt's arm to lead him around the front of the bus. Not wanting to be led anywhere and not thinking clearly, Colton twisted out of his grasp and cocked a fist. When he swung, a more sober Jon reached for Colton's arm twisting it behind his body. “Man, you're lucky I need that hand to be intact. Otherwise I'd break it off and feed it to you right now. You're beyond f*cked up. Let's go.”

“Yeah, you probably can't wait to get me out of the way, can you? Now that she's putting out, you can't wait to get a piece of it.”

And that was the last straw. No amount of alcohol in the world would excuse Colton making it sound like I had reduced myself to nothing more than a common band whore. As much as I wanted to play off his hurtful words, I'd learned over the years that, more often than not, alcohol brought out the thoughts people were too inhibited to voice when they were sober.

I stormed off the bus and followed Colton and Jon who were now fighting at the door of the roadies' bus.

“You know what, Colton...you just f*cked up the best thing you ever would have had. F*ck you, accusing me of sleeping around. F*ck you for making it sound like you're the one who opened me up to sleeping with anything with a stiff dick. Whatever you think you know, you've obviously lost your damn mind.”

I hated him. Well, I really wanted to hate him. The truth was, it only hurt because I didn't hate him. I had allowed him into my heart and that was the worst mistake I'd made in recent memory.

“Rain, baby...” his slurred words made my stomach roil. Jon was right, talking while he was like this was pointless. “I didn't mean it like that...”

“Really? So what exactly does 'Now that she's putting out, you can't wait to get a piece of it' mean? Please, tell me how I'm taking that the wrong way. I'd love to hear your bullshit explanation.”

Jon moved so he was between us, ready to intervene if things went too far. “Rain, let me get him to bed. You two can talk tomorrow.”

“No Jon, we're going to talk about this. Now. How can you not be pounding the shit out of him right now? He told you he thinks we're screwing around too.”

“Because he's an idiot when he drinks. We'll probably have to remind him why we're pissed off once he sobers up,” Jon stated flatly. “Now, let me get him to bed and then you're going to come with me. I need to keep you two away from each other so you don't light a stick of dynamite under all of our asses tonight.”

“That's right, probably gonna take her—”

Jon was the one cocking back to take a swing this time. I'm not sure if Colton was shocked when Jon's fist made contact with his jaw or if he knew he deserved it but he made no move to retaliate. “Colton, shut the f*ck up and get in that bus. I'm not going to sit here and listen to you talk about her that way. Go sleep it off.”

Colton rubbed his jaw, moving it from side to side to make sure it wasn't broken. His eyes fixed on a spot on the ground listening to everything Jon had to say to him. Seeing that Colton was finally calming down, I returned to our bedroom to get clothes for someone to take to the other bus. The simple action of putting the things he'd need into a small duffle bag brought me to tears. It felt like something much more ominous than a timeout for him to get the bourbon out of his system.



“Can I ask you a question?” Jon and I were walking back to the party, needing to get our minds off my apparently insanely jealous boyfriend. He'd never struck me as possessive and the realization had me wondering how much I didn't know about the man I shared a bed with.

“Sure.”

“What was on his phone?” I asked, knowing I wouldn't stop thinking about it until I knew.

“That's for him to tell you. Just not tonight.” Jon didn't look at me, making me wonder what, exactly, I was up against.

“Please, Jon. I'm asking as a friend here. He's obviously pissed about it and I'm the only one who doesn't know why.”

The thought of getting on our bus, of sleeping in the bed I'd shared with Colton since we started touring felt like a knife twisting in my heart. Knowing that, even if it was in a drunken stupor, he had so little faith in me that he accused me of sleeping with Jon killed me. And to know there was some other unknown transgression was even worse. Could we come back from this? Could he say anything to me to make it better? Could I ever trust that he had faith in us, no matter how many times he tried to tell me he was sure we'd work out?

“Hey Jon, I think I'm gonna grab Angie and take the Silverado up to Springfield tonight.” It was only about a four hour drive to our next stop and I had no desire to spend those hours on the bus. Not in the mood to deal bullshit accusations, I decided I'd ask our only female tech to ride with me. I needed someone to keep me awake and there was no chance I could be accused of screwing her.

“Probably not a bad plan. Get your stuff and hit the road. Once the coast is clear, I'll drag Colt's ass back to his bed.” The fact that Jon wasn't fighting me spoke volumes. Whatever was on Colton's phone was something major. Something that I wasn't going to be happy about. “And hey, when you get up there, get a suite so we can crash it when we get to town. I'd kill for a shower with water pressure right about now.”

Leave it to Jon to think of things like that. Our band was hanging by a thread tonight but he was still able to find the silver lining.