Blessed Tragedy

chapter Twenty-Two



As much as I wanted to find a bottomless fruity drink to cheer me up after my trip to Jon's house, I thought better of it. No, alcohol had never been my problem but it easily could be. Instead, I enjoyed the jacuzzi tub in our hotel room while Mark and Dale went out for the night.

Knowing the charges would likely be dropped, I allowed myself to relax for the first time in a month. I was nearly asleep when I bolted upright at the sound of someone pounding on the hotel room door. I grabbed one of the white terrycloth robes from the back of the door and silently made my way to the door. Seeing Colton through the peephole, I debated whether or not to open the door to him.

“I know you're in there, Rain.” He called out. Then, he put his face close to the peep hole on his side of the door as if he knew I was looking at him. “Don't make me bribe a key out of the desk clerk. You know I'll do it.”

He was right. He'd do it and I knew it. Shit.

I flipped the bolt latch open before pushing down on the door handle. “What?” I asked, unwilling to open the door and invite him in.

“We need to talk. Can I come in?” He pushed on the door with one hand while reaching out to me with the other. When I flinched away from him, he took advantage and pushed the door open.

“Gee, come on in,” I sputtered. “I don't think there's really anything to say.”

Colton ran his hands through his blond hair. “That's where you're wrong. There's so f*cking much to talk about we could be here all night.” He motioned for me to sit like he owned the place.

“No, there's not. You know I'm not a druggie. I know you guys have zero faith in me. End of story.” The words caught in my throat as I tried to hold it together.

“Bullshit. And you're going to listen to me. Sit.”

I didn't want to sit. I didn't want to let him know he was getting to me. There was a time when I would have said Colton knew I would sit because he knew me better than I knew myself. Those days were obviously gone.

“Fine. Talk.” I crossed my arms tightly across my chest, realizing I was sitting across the walnut dining table from him naked under my robe.

“You can't quit,” he said matter-of-factly.

“Um, I can. I did.” I stared at him, waiting to see what he had to say besides the obvious.

“Well, we're not accepting it. Not until you sit down and talk with all of us. I warned you at the beginning of the summer Tanya was desperate to get you out. Now, regardless of the fact that she's not with us anymore, you're going to give her what she wants? That's not the Rain I know. The Rain I know doesn't go down without a fight.” He leaned on his forearms resting on the table never breaking eye contact.

“It's not about her anymore,” I said quietly. I hated the fact that my voice was faltering. I needed to stay strong. “You guys shredded me when you believed that I was using again. You did that. The night we got back when you thought those baggies were really mine, Colt, you put that nail in the coffin. When Jon told me I had to get my shit straight and go to rehab, he put another nail in the coffin. When Travis, the person who knows everything I went through more than anyone else, told me to get help, he added another. About the only person who hasn't done anything is Jared and that's only because he's too damn new and scared to rock the boat.”

Colton stepped into my path as I tried to walk to my suitcase. I didn't want to have this conversation without clothes on. Preferably multiple layers because I could feel my body melting in his presence and that was the very last thing I needed.

“Stop, please.” I leaned into his hand as he cupped my cheek. I didn't want to feel the warmth of his skin against mine. No, I wanted to feel it more than anything. I couldn't allow myself to enjoy his touch. “Sit down and talk to me. You've been running away and avoiding me for a month and it's killing me.”

I looked down at my robe and back up to Colton. “Can I put on some clothes first?” As much as I didn't want to hear what he was going to say, I knew we both needed it.

“No need on my account,” Colton joked.

“I'll be back.”

When I came back into the room wearing a pair of flannel lounge pants and my favorite, ratty Metallica t-shirt, Colton was feverishly texting. “You're worse than a girl with that thing, you know that?”

“What can I say? It's my connection to the world. And Jon wanted to know if you nailed me in the balls when I got here.” He set the phone on the table in front of him giving me his full attention.

“I should,” I deadpanned. “Should line the three of you up and bring all of you to your knees.”

“Look, I know you're pissed--” He started.

“No, I'm not pissed, Colt. I'm hurt. For the past five years, you guys have been my life. You were the only people I could count on to have my back no matter what. And when I needed you to stick up for me, you weren't there.”

“We tried. I know you think we were all convinced you were using but that's not it.” Colton reached for my hand and I gave it to him in a moment of weakness. “Yes, there was a while where we didn't know what to think. That has nothing to do with our opinions of you as a person and everything to do with what you've been through. I could apologize to you every day and it'd never be enough. I'm sorry I didn't make that clear to you from the beginning. I'm sorry if I accused you of using again. But most of all, I'm sorry I haven't been there for you.”

My eyes drifted to the window across the room. I needed to focus anywhere other than Colton so he wouldn't see the tears pooling along my lower eyelids. I couldn't give him a window to what I was truly thinking and feeling, which was that I wanted him, wanted them, more than anything. More than anything, I wanted to believe there was a way to get back what we once had.

Would the me I thought I'd found in late spring hold onto the anger? Would she be forgiving? I had vowed, shortly after my mom died, to be more open to listening to what people had to say rather than letting my emotions run my life. After all, my emotions haven't proven to be the best compass in my life so far. They'd led me away from Garrett, away from my family and now, they were steering me clear of the dream I'd worked so hard to achieve.

“I don't know what to say,” I admitted. “Part of me just feels like what happened is something I can't get over. I don't want to get back on that bus wondering who I can really trust. I don't want to feel like everyone thinks I'm some colossal f*ck up junkie. I don't think there's any way to get back to where we were before that bus pulled into the lot after summer.”

Colton's hand squeezed tighter around my fingers. “The only way to make sure we never get it back is to give up and not try. I don't think I'm the only one in the group who's willing to do whatever we have to do to prove to you how shitty we feel right now.”

He released my hand and walked around to my side of the table. Crouching beside me, he rested his hands on my thigh. “Maddie, I f*cked up. Not only am I part of the reason you're leaving the band, I'm solely responsible for the fact that I haven't talked to my best friend in a month. I'm the reason I haven't had the woman I love by my side for the past thirty-four nights. I don't deserve your forgiveness after I questioned you but I'm here tonight begging for it. I miss you.”

I slid off the chair so I was kneeling on the floor next to him. There was no denying his apology was sincere just as there was no denying the feelings I'd withheld from since shortly after returning to Florida. Like it or not, I was completely, over the moon in love with Colton Bradford. And whether my head wanted me to forgive him or not, my heart hurt a little bit less having him near.

“I miss you too. So much it physically hurts,” I admitted, no longer trying to stop the tears from falling. “I'd be lying if I said otherwise. But I can't let myself love someone who isn't going to be there for me through thick and thin. I need to know that the man I love will catch me when someone tries to knock me down. I don't know if I can convince myself that you can be that man after this.”

His normally baby blue eyes were dark with emotion and glistening with unshed tears. This was the moment of truth for us and he knew it as well as I did. Seeing his pain reflected back to me wiped away any bit of relief I'd been feeling since we started talking.

Colton leaned into me, wrapping his arms around my neck. “I want to be that man for you. I've done a shit job of showing you that but I swear, if given the chance, I will do everything I can to make sure you never have to doubt me again. You're it for me. The first day you walked into my life, I knew there was something special about you. The past year has been the best of my life because you let me in when you made it clear you didn't open up to anyone. Four of the past five months were amazing, being able to tell you I love you and being able to make love to you.” He turned to wipe a tear from his face against his shoulder. “But baby, I meant it when I said the past month has killed me. I will do whatever it takes to never feel that way again. To never have to live with myself knowing I let you down.”

When Colton lifted my chin so our eyes met once again, I didn't fight him. When he leaned in to brush his lips against mine, I met him halfway. When he lightly bit my lower lip, I opened up to him, inviting him into my mouth.

“We good?” He asked, his breathing fast and shallow.

Pressing my lips to his, I shook my head. “Not by a long shot. I can't guarantee we'll ever be fine, but the new me says I need to at least think about forgiving you so I will. Think about it, that is.”

I stood and reached down to help him off the ground. “Now, before we do something stupid, you need to go.” I ushered him towards the door. I slid my arms around his waist from behind, walking through the room with my chest pressed against his back. Probably not the smartest move as my nose was filled with the scent of leather, cigarettes and a citrusy cologne; the combination creating a scent I had long associated with comfort, love and, more recently, raw, unadulterated passion.

“So, can I call Jon and tell him you're not leaving the band?” He asked, turning in my arms at the door.

“Call him. Tell him that you guys are coming up here tomorrow afternoon. Court's scheduled for ten, but I doubt that will take more than a few minutes after all of today's fun. We all need to sit down and have a long f*cking talk before I just jump right back. Like I said, you guys cut me pretty deep. I love you and I'm not sure I'm forgiving you just yet, so think about how hard it's going to be for me to forgive them.”

The smile that broke out on Colton's face was so wide it threatened to split his head in two. “You love me?”

I rolled my eyes. “God only knows why, but yeah, I do. Now, get out of here before I change my mind.”

Colton crushed my body against his, his kiss urgent and hard. “You won't regret this, baby. I love you so much.”

“Like I said, still not sure I'm forgiving you. There's a lot for me to think about, so you need to go so I can think. I'll see you tomorrow. Ten if you're coming to the courthouse, otherwise be here with the guys at one.”

“I'll be there for you in the morning; they can meet us here later.” Colton rested his forehead against mine. “Never again will I not be there for you. Love you.”

I pushed him out the door knowing this could go on all night otherwise. “Goodnight, Colt. Love you too.”



The next morning, Mark and Dale didn't press me for information about my late night visitor. I knew Mark was the one who told Colton where to find me since no one else knew we were staying at the hotel. I think they avoided the topic on the off chance I was pissed at them, not wanting to add any more stress to the day ahead.

Lucky for them, it was the first time since our summer tour ended that I woke up in the morning optimistic it was going to be a good day. I'd cleared the air with Colton on a personal level, I was confident the charges against me were going to be a thing of the past within hours, with any luck Tanya would be arrested on a variety of charges by the end of the day, and chances were good I wouldn't be leaving the band after all.

“So, after court's done, you guys mind going to the Rose Gardens or something? I need the room for a while.” Immediately after opening my mouth, I realized how bad that sounded. “I mean, the guys are coming here for a band meeting. I needed to have them on my turf, and since I turned in the keys to my apartment yesterday, this is home for now.”

The two men exchanged curious glances before looking at me. “Not going down without a fight, Moo?” Mark asked.

“Not sure yet. But I'm going to hear them out.” I replied.

“Good.” Dale chimed in giving me a quick hug. “Now, let's go put this lynch pin behind us. Wish there was a way we could go back in time for you so everything didn't fall apart. But I'm glad to see you trying to get it back on track.”

“Aww, thanks not my big brother. I might have to adopt you yet. Maybe trade Matt for you.” As we walked out of the hotel, I threw up a silent prayer that Mark would find the strength to come out to our family at some point. Dale's not the type of man who should be my brother's dirty little secret; he would be a great addition to our family.

True to his word, Colton was leaning against the side of the courthouse when we arrived at nine thirty. He looked so much different than I was used to that I had to look twice to make sure it was really him. I was getting used to the fact that that he'd cut off over twelve inches of hair so his blond hair barely brushed against his shoulder, so that wasn't a shock. The maroon button down shirt, pleated black dress pants and tie, combined with a low, slicked back ponytail made him look more like a businessman than the hard rocker I'd fallen in love with.

“Mornin' sunshine,” he called out as we walked up the granite stairs. He reached out a hand to escort me into the building and I accepted it. The knowing looks between Mark and Dale did not go unnoticed.

My case was not dropped that day but the prosecutor did ask for a continuation in light of new information they'd received. Less than twenty minutes after stepping foot inside the stuffy courtroom, the four of us were walking out, knowing that this debacle would come to an end in my favor at some point. Mark and Dale excused themselves and turned left as Colton and I turned right to head back to the hotel.