Back to You

November 2011
Lauren sat in the vestibule of Learn and Grow, a wastebasket at her feet and Erin’s head on her lap. She stroked her hair softly.
“Is he here yet?” Erin mumbled weakly.
Lauren turned slightly over her shoulder to look out the front window. “Not yet, sweetheart. Soon. Do you need the basket again?”
Erin shook her head imperceptibly against Lauren’s thigh, and Lauren continued to stroke her hair, looking up as Deb poked her head out of the office.
“How’s she doing?” she asked quietly.
Lauren lifted her hand, tilting it from side to side. “Her dad’s on his way.”
Deb nodded, giving Erin a sympathetic look before she turned back into her office.
Lauren looked down at Erin; her face was pale and her eyes were closed. She was breathing softly through her open mouth, and Lauren gently stroked her cheek with the backs of her fingers. She watched as Erin’s brow smoothed slightly at the gesture.
A few minutes later, some movement outside caught Lauren’s attention and she turned again to look over her shoulder; Michael was walking quickly toward the entrance, his phone to his ear and his brow pulled together. He stopped just outside the door, pacing for a minute. She heard his muffled, “Shit!” before he took the phone down and ended the call, running a hand through his hair before he opened the door.
When he saw them waiting in the vestibule, the look in his eyes went from irritated to heartbroken.
Lauren held her finger up to her lips. “I think she’s sleeping,” she whispered.
He nodded, walking over to them and kneeling down in front of Lauren. She moved her hand away from Erin’s hair, and Michael immediately replaced it with his own. His eyes were gentle as he looked down at her, and then he glanced down at the cell phone in his other hand.
“Is everything okay?” Lauren whispered, and Michael looked up to see her gesture toward the phone with her head.
“Yeah,” he said, looking down as he hit a button on the phone and put it away. “I’m just trying to get a hold of my professor.” He looked back up at her. “I have a test tonight, and this guy’s notorious for being an a*shole about makeups. Something about modern technology and cheating,” he said, shaking his head with annoyance. “I was hoping if he understood my situation, he might cut me a break, but I can’t get a hold of him…” His voice trailed off, the annoyance leaving his expression as he looked back down at Erin, stroking her hair as gently as Lauren had.
“Is it a big test?”
“Half our grade,” he said softly, sweeping the hair away from Erin’s forehead.
Lauren bit her bottom lip before she said, “Well, if he won’t let you make it up, what then?”
Michael shrugged. “I take the course again next semester.” He looked up at Lauren. “Thank you for taking care of her.” He reached forward, about to scoop Erin out of Lauren’s arms, but Lauren laid a hand on his bicep.
He froze, looking up at her.
“Go. Take your mind was a million miles away.
Michael shook his head. “No. I can’t let you do that, that’s ridic—”
She cut him off. “No, what’s ridiculous is you having to repeat a class over one stupid test.” He looked at Lauren, and she said again, “I’ll stay with her.”
“I couldn’t ask you to do that.”
“You didn’t. I offered.”
He smiled slightly, but Lauren could see he was about to argue again. “She’s sleeping now,” she added. “There’s a good chance she might not even wake up again tonight.”
He bit his lip and looked down, his brow furrowed, and Lauren knew she had made headway.
“I wouldn’t want you to have to leave work because of us,” he said.
“My shift ends in less than an hour. Deb won’t care if I head out a bit early today. Really, Michael. It’s fine.”
He was quiet for a minute before he said, “Are you sure?”
“Absolutely. Go. Take your test.”
He exhaled heavily before lifting his eyes back up to her face; the look in them caused a tightening in her chest, and she felt her breath stop. He stared at her that way for what seemed like forever before he spoke. “Thank you.”
Lauren swallowed. “You’re welcome,” she said, finally finding her voice.
For a moment, he just looked at her, and then he blinked quickly, snapping out of it as he started rummaging in his pocket. “Here,” he said, pulling what looked like a crumpled receipt out of it. “Take my cell phone number.” He reached over and grabbed a pen off the front desk and scribbled quickly on the scrap of paper before he pulled a key off his key ring, handing them both to her. “Call me if anything changes, if you need anything.”
“I will,” she said, taking them from him and closing her hand around them.
“Okay,” he said, standing and taking a reluctant step backward. “Okay…so…”
Lauren smiled. “So…good luck,” she said, motioning with her head toward the door.
The corner of his mouth lifted in a half-hearted smile. “Thank you. I’ll be home right after. Around seven-ish.”
“We’ll be there.”
He took another step backward, looking down at Erin one more time before he lifted his eyes to Lauren.
She smiled reassuringly. “Go,” she said again, nodding toward the door, and he nodded once and turned, walking back out of the door and toward his car.
Lauren watched him leave through the window before she turned to look back down at Erin, sound asleep on her lap.
“Hey Deb?” she called softly, and a second later Deb poked her head back out of the office. “Could you grab the spare car seat from the back room? I’m gonna take her home.”

Lauren stood at the bathroom sink, letting the water run until it turned warm. Once it reached the right temperature, she grabbed a washcloth from a pile of folded towels in the corner and held it under the faucet, gently wringing it out before she turned off the water and walked back out to the living room.
Erin was sitting up muscle flex in the side of his jaw7 shoulder on the couch, her eyes half closed, and Lauren knelt in front of her, wiping her mouth with the warm cloth. She felt Erin lean into her touch.
“Better, sweetheart?” she asked, and Erin nodded.
The poor thing had nothing left to throw up. Lauren had to pull over once during the drive to Michael’s, but Erin had just retched out the door, producing nothing. Then again, once they’d gotten home, Lauren had rushed to bring her the trash can, only to have her heave over it to no avail. Lauren was giving her tiny sips of water, but she dared not risk anything more than that.
“I’m sleepy,” Erin mumbled, and Lauren wiped her cheeks and forehead with the rag.
“I know. How about we try to lie down?”
“‘Kay,” Erin sighed, falling over the side, and Lauren grabbed a pillow and placed it under her head just in time.
“The trash can is right here, okay?” she said, moving it close to the couch.
“Are you leaving?” Erin asked, a touch of panic in her voice.
“Of course not,” Lauren said, sitting on the couch beside her and placing her hand on Erin’s leg. “I’ll be right here with you until Daddy comes home.”
“‘Kay,” she said again, her eyes falling closed, and Lauren sat back on the couch, gently rubbing her hand over Erin’s calf.
“Do you have a crown?” Erin asked softly.
“A crown?” Lauren asked. “No, I don’t think I do. Do you?”
Erin shook her head.
“Well then I guess we’ll just have to get you one,” Lauren said.
The tiniest smile curved Erin’s lips and she nodded, her eyes still closed. “Are you a princess?” she nearly sighed.
Lauren smiled. “No, I’m not a princess.”
“Oh,” Erin said, her voice soft and far away. “Daddy thought you were.”
Lauren’s hand stopped on Erin’s leg for a moment as she looked down at her, but she could tell by her deep breathing that she was right on the border of sleep. She felt an ache in her chest at Erin’s words, and she swallowed before resuming her ministrations, rubbing Erin’s calf softly.
In a matter of minutes, Erin’s breathing was deep and regular, and Lauren knew she was finally asleep. Careful not to jostle her, she stood from the couch and walked down the tiny hall to the room that was Erin’s, grabbing the blanket that was strewn across the bottom of her bed. As she turned to leave, something that had been tangled inside fell to the floor with a muted thud, and she looked down to see a small red photo album at her feet.
She bent to pick it up, taking it with her as she walked back out to the living room and gently laid the blanket over Erin.
Lauren sat beside her, opening the album, and immediately she brought her hand to her mouth, masking a tiny laugh.
The first picture was of Michael in a little league uniform, wearing a baseball hat that looked much too big for his tiny head as he squinted up at the camera.
“Oh my God,” she said softly, shaking her head with a smile before she turned the page. The next one was of Michael sitting on an older woman’s lap, covered in something that looked like jam. She smiled softly, running the tip of her index finger over the image of his face. He had been the most adorable child; big brown eyes and messy black hairhe corner of his mouth lifted in a smile. , le with those little Cupid’s bow lips. She could so clearly see the Michael she knew in those tiny features, but Erin was distinctly there too.
Lauren smiled, turning the page, and instantly her smile dropped. Her hand came to her mouth again, but this time, she merely pressed her fingertips to her lips as her eyes began to sting.
It was the picture she had given him. The one of the two of them at his graduation.
She couldn’t believe he still had it, that he had saved it after all this time.
Lauren inhaled slowly, shaking her head. It just didn’t make sense. Why would he keep it? Especially after…
Blinking quickly against the tears she felt rising, she studied the picture. Michael wore a tiny smile on his lips, looking down at her with something like admiration in his eyes, despite the fact that he was the one who had just graduated. And there she was, looking at the camera, leaning her head on his chest and smiling widely.
Completely unaware that in a few short weeks, her world would be ripped out from underneath her.
She closed her eyes and the book simultaneously, dropping her head back onto the couch.
“Damn it,” she said to no one in particular, breathing deeply to regain her composure.
When she felt like she had a handle on herself, she stood and took the album back to Erin’s room, placing it at the foot of her bed. She stood in the doorway for a moment, staring back at the book before she turned and headed out to the kitchen.
Lauren glanced at the clock on the microwave. It was just after six. Michael would be finishing up his test any minute. She walked over to her purse and grabbed her cell phone and the scrap of paper with his number on it, sending him a quick text.
Hey, it’s Lauren. Everything’s fine. Erin’s sleeping. You might want to pick up some Pedialyte at the grocery store on your way home.
She tossed her phone back into her purse and walked back over to the couch, grabbing the remote and sitting down next to Erin. She turned the television on, lowering the volume, and quickly found a sitcom rerun.
And she sat there, staring at the screen, but she couldn’t make her eyes see anything but the image of her and Michael, forever immortalized and happy in that photo.

True to his word, Michael arrived home shortly before seven, carrying a bag from the grocery store.
Lauren glanced over at him as the door opened, and he smiled softly, taking off his jacket.
“Hey,” she said, standing from the couch and stretching.
“Hi,” he answered softly, tossing his jacket over a chair as he walked toward her. He placed the grocery bag on the table and glanced past her into the living room. “How is she?”
“She’s okay. She’s been sleeping for a while now.”
Michael nodded, running his hand through his hair as he exhaled. “Thank you again. I’m sorry you had to give up your evening.”
“It’s fine,” Lauren assured him with a shake of her head.
He nodded, walking past her into the living room. For a second he stood there, looking down at Erin, and then he exhaled a heavy breath, sitting down on the recliner beside the couch and dropping his head into his hands. “You can’t imagine what this does to me,” he mumbled.he corner of his mouth lifted in a smile. , le
“She’ll be okay, Michael. It’s just a virus. It’s almost over,” Lauren said, following him into the living room.
He shook his head, still looking at the floor. “That’s not what I meant.”
He looked totally dejected, and Lauren stood there, watching him but not pressing him further. Instead, she battled the innate reaction she had to cross the room to him, to kneel in front of him and wrap her arms around him, anything to take that look off his face.
“The only reason I’m even going back to school is for her,” he finally said, glancing up at Lauren. “But it means I have to leave her when I could be spending time with her. It means I can’t take care of her when she needs me.”
He shook his head and looked over to where Erin lay sleeping on the couch. “Her mom’s not around. I’m hardly around…” He trailed off before looking back at Lauren. “It’s just, like, am I doing the right thing? Is it worth it? I just…I just wish I knew, ya know?”
Michael sat back against the seat and closed his eyes, sighing heavily.
“Hey,” Lauren said softly, walking toward him. “You’re doing the right thing. You’re building a future for her. Most parents are away from their children during the day. It’s the whole reason I have a job,” she added with a tiny laugh, hoping he would smile in return.
His eyes remained closed, but the corner of his mouth twitched slightly, and Lauren smiled, closing the distance between them and kneeling on the floor next to the chair. “It’s the time that you do spend with her that counts,” she added. “And you’re doing an amazing job.”
Michael laughed humorlessly. “You’re still the same,” he said with a shake of his head.
“But you are,” she insisted. “She’s smart, she’s motivated, she’s so kind to everyone, Michael. She’s a perfect little person. And she adores you.”
Michael opened his eyes fully then, looking at Lauren with such intense emotion that she felt her legs falter under her weight, and she dropped gently from her kneeling position to sit on her calves, her eyes falling to the arm of the chair in between them.
After a minute of silence, she heard him shift in the chair. “You know something?” he said softly, and when Lauren looked up, she saw he was sitting up now, closer to her, his eyes intently on hers.
“That first day I dropped her off…the first time I had to leave her…the only thing that kept me from running back in to get her was that I knew she’d be with you.”
Lauren’s breath left her in a soft rush, her eyes locked on his, and he smiled gently. “It’s true,” he added.
“Miss Lauren?” Erin’s tiny voice called, and both of them whipped their head in her direction.
“Hey baby,” Michael breathed, sliding off the chair and kneeling beside his daughter. Lauren could only watch him, still stunned into silence. “I’m here now. You okay?”
“I don’t feel good, Daddy,” she said with a tiny whimper, and he brushed the hair away from her face and pressed his lips to her forehead.
“I know. You’ll feel better soon.”
Erin pulled her knees up into her chest, lying on her side, and Lauren wondered if her stomach wa muscle flex in the side of his jaw7 shoulders hurting her again. “Is Miss Lauren gone?”
“No, I’m right here,” Lauren said, finally finding her voice again.
“Can you stay with us tonight?” Erin asked softly, closing her eyes.
Michael glanced back at Lauren, his expression startled, before he turned back toward his daughter. “Honey, Miss Lauren can’t stay here. She has to go home.”
“No,” Erin said, pulling her brow together. “I don’t want her to leave.”
“Erin,” Michael began, but Lauren cut him off.
“I’ll stay, sweetheart.”
Michael turned toward her, and Lauren quickly mouthed, “Just until she falls asleep.”
He nodded, bringing his attention back to Erin, and Lauren crawled over to them, sitting on the floor by Erin’s feet. Michael stroked her hair for a minute before he turned, sitting up against the couch by his daughter’s head.
Lauren turned to look at him; he was so close now, the small trash can being the only thing that separated the two of them. Just as he turned his head to look at her, a loud, grumbling sound filled the space between them, and she raised her eyebrows, glancing down at his stomach.
He laughed softly, pressing his palm to his stomach, and Lauren asked, “Have you eaten anything?”
Michael shook his head. “No, I came right home.”
“You must be starving,” she said, standing from her spot on the floor. “Let me make you something.”
“No, you’ve done enough already,” he said, making a move to stand up, and Lauren held out her hand.
“No, stay with her. I’ll throw something simple together,” she said, walking out of the living room before he could protest further, and she heard him sigh in acquiescence as he leaned back against the couch.
Lauren opened his fridge, and after scanning it for a minute, she pulled out what she’d need to make him a sandwich. When she was finished, she grabbed a bottle of water from the door of the fridge and brought both out to him.
He was still sitting with his back up against the couch, but his head was resting against the cushion and his eyes were closed. She stopped, wondering if he had fallen asleep, but then he rolled his head to the side and opened his eyes.
“Hey,” he said softly, shifting to sit up, and she walked over to him, handing him the plate and the water before she sat back down on the floor in front of Erin’s feet.
“Thank you,” he said as he picked up the sandwich and took an enormous bite, making a contented sound in the back of his throat.
Michael sighed around his mouthful of food, chewing slowly before he swallowed. “Sorry. I didn’t realize how hungry I was until you brought this in here,” he said, taking another bite and putting the plate down between them to open his water. He looked back at Lauren and lifted his brow, motioning toward the sandwich, and she shook her head.
“No, thanks. I’m fine.”
He nodded, taking a sip of water and swallowing the bite he had just taken. “Damn, that’s good. What’s in this?”
Lauren laughed. “Whatever was in your fridge. I just used what you had.”
He picked up the sandwich and turned it slowly, his brow furrowed like he was studying an ancient artifact, and then he shruhe corner of his mouth lifted in a smile. , legged before he took another bite. “It never tastes this good when I make one for myself.”
“You’re just hungry. It’s all relative,” she said with a laugh, leaning back against the couch and bringing her eyes to the television.
After a few minutes of silence, broken here and there by the sounds of appreciation Michael uttered as he finished his sandwich, Lauren said, “So, how was your test?”
Michael ran the back of his hand across his mouth, swallowing the sip of water he’d just taken. “It seemed fair,” he said. “I probably did okay.”
Lauren smiled and rolled her eyes. “Which means you aced it.”
He laughed at her annoyance, his expression confused. “Why are you saying that?”
She lazily rolled her head to the side, looking at him. “You always used to do that. You’d always belittle how you thought you did on a test, and you’d end up blowing it out of the water.”
“That,” he said, pointing at her with his bottle of water, “is absolutely not true.”
“Sure it is. The ones you failed, you blew off on purpose. But when you actually cared about a class?” She moved her hand through the air smoothly. “Straight A’s. Just like that.”
He shook his head, a small smile on his lips. “Apparently, your memory of me is a little warped.”
Lauren felt her smile drop. “No, I don’t think it is,” she said softly, looking away from him.
Out of the corner of her eye, she could see him looking at her, although she couldn’t make out his expression. Eventually, he turned his head, slowly spinning the cap back on his water bottle. She heard him take a small breath before he cleared his throat.
“So,” he said tentatively, “do you like living in Bellefonte? Or do you miss home?”
Lauren inhaled deeply, trying to shake off the awkwardness of that last moment between them. “I like it here. I mean, of course I miss home, but I see my parents whenever I want, and I have dinner with Jenn once a month, so,” she said with a shrug.
“Jenn?” Michael said, his brow lifted. “Jenn Powell? You guys are still friends?”
Lauren laughed softly, remembering their tumultuous relationship. “Yes.”
“Holy shit. Jenn Powell,” he said slowly. He shook his head and leaned against the couch. “Is she still the same?”
“You’d probably think so, yes.”
He smirked. “So is that who you were with last weekend?”
Lauren bit her lip, the corners of her mouth going up. “No, I was out with a friend.”
Michael looked at her for a second before he nodded. “Ah,” he said in understanding. “Well…did you have a good time?” There was a forced casualness to his tone now, like he knew it was the appropriate question to ask, even though he had no desire to hear the answer.
She looked down, a tiny smile on her lips as she thought back to the previous weekend. “Yeah, I did. It was…nice,” she said, her smile growing a bit more pronounced.
She felt Michael shift beside her. “Did you meet this guy at school?”
This time, Lauren pressed her lips together, but they twisted up in spite of her attempt. “No, he was my do and turned to look at her.ck you toctor. My chiropractor, actually.”
There was a beat of silence before she heard a grunted, “Hmmph.”
She turned her head toward him. “What?” she asked, trying not to sound defensive.
He looked at her, his expression derisive. “Must be a good guy.”
She shifted toward him fully now, folding her arms as her brow knitted together. “And what is that supposed to mean?”
“Oh come on,” he said, his expression matching his condescending tone. “Aren’t there rules against that kind of thing? Aren’t there lines doctors aren’t supposed to cross with their patients? I don’t know. The kind of guy that would take advantage of something like that just doesn’t earn himself any points in my book.”
Lauren could feel the need to justify herself—to justify Adam—swelling in her chest, battling with the overwhelming desire to tell him to mind his own business. She felt her teeth come together, and she took a steadying breath, trying to keep herself calm. Was he really going to have the audacity to sit there and question Adam’s morality? After what he’d done to her?
“I’m sorry, do you even know him?” she snapped. “And I’m pretty sure it’s not your book he needs to be earning himself points in anyway.” Despite her best efforts, the bitterness was dripping from her tone.
Michael was looking at the water bottle as he rolled it slowly in his hands, his expression unreadable.
“And what about you?” she asked, turning roughly back toward the TV. “Still dating the winners?”
For a minute, there was nothing but the quiet murmur of the television between them, and Lauren thought he might not answer her. But then he spoke, his voice so soft that she almost had to strain to hear it.
“No. I don’t date anymore.”
Instantly Lauren felt the anger drain from her body at his tone. She hated that his vulnerability still had that effect on her. She inhaled slowly and blew her breath out in a huff, ridding herself of the last bit of animosity she had been feeling toward him. Wasn’t she supposed to be over those feelings anyway? Hadn’t she promised Jenn she’d left that all behind her?
“Yeah, I guess you don’t have the time, huh,” she said softly.
“No, I could make the time if I wanted to. But…I won’t do that to her.”
Lauren turned toward him. “To who?”
“Her,” he said, motioning behind him to Erin. “I’m not gonna go out there and play the field, date around. She gets very attached to people. And I’m not gonna…”
He looked down, pulling his brow together, and Lauren watched his shoulders rise before he lifted his eyes back to hers. “I would never allow someone into this house unless I knew they were worthy of her.”
Lauren’s breath caught in her throat. There was no mistaking the meaning behind his words, behind the look in his eyes. There was no ignoring the fact that she was in his home right now, caring for his daughter. Lauren stared at him, unmoving, and as her breathing finally picked back up, so did her heart rate.
She knew at that moment that coming to Michael’s house was a bad idea. Between Erin’s earlier comment, the photo album, and now this, she could feel emotions brewing inside her that were supposed to be long gone.he corner of his mouth lifted in a smile. , le
It suddenly felt like there was a magnet in her chest, like some unseen force was pulling her toward him. Lauren pressed her hands into the carpet, trying to stop the imperceptible forward motion of her body.
What did her body even want her to do? Hug him? Kiss him? Rest her head on his shoulder in comfortable silence, the way she had so many times before?
His gaze was implacable, and as much as she tried, as much as she knew she needed to, she couldn’t look away from him.
Her heart leapt into her throat when finally, he moved toward her. It was the tiniest movement, but she noticed it nonetheless.
“Lauren,” he said, his voice gentle, and suddenly it was like someone dumped a bucket of water over her head. She jerked back slightly, her eyes widening.
“I think she’s asleep,” she said, looking everywhere but him as she fumbled to stand up. “I…I, um…should probably go.”
She stood quickly, her movements uncoordinated, and he moved back to his original position, his eyes on the floor.
“Yeah, you should go,” he said, running a hand through his hair and nodding, like he had just convinced himself that what he was saying was true.
Lauren hurried into the kitchen and grabbed her purse, concentrating on slowing her breath. She needed to get the hell out of there. Quickly.
No sooner than she had her purse in her hands, she heard the soft cry. “I don’t feel good. I need the bucket!”
Lauren rushed back to the living room just in time to see Michael jump up and grab the bucket. He held it in front of Erin as she retched over it, missing the bucket slightly and getting some on Michael’s hands and the floor.
She put her purse down and turned toward the kitchen, gathering some paper towels and wetting some. By the time she came back into the living room, it was over, and Michael was speaking in soft, reassuring tones to Erin as she laid back down on the couch.
Lauren knelt beside him, using the wet paper towels to wipe his hands, and he glanced over at her. “Thank you,” he said softly, and she nodded, looking away from him to start wiping the floor.
Once everything was cleaned, Lauren went into the kitchen to dispose of the dirtied towels while Michael went to the bathroom to wash out the pail. When they both returned, Erin was sitting up on the couch. She looked exhausted, but marginally better. “I’m thirsty,” she said, her tiny voice raspy, and Michael looked over at Lauren.
“Pedialyte?” he asked, and Lauren nodded.
She walked with him into the kitchen, grabbing a cup while he took the bottle out of the bag and read the directions on the back.
“Put that in the fridge after you open it,” Lauren said. “And only a little at a time, or it will just come right back up.”
He nodded, screwing the cap off and pouring about an inch into the cup that Lauren held out. As she brought it out to Erin, she heard the sounds of him putting the bottle in the fridge.
“Here you go sweetheart,” Lauren said, sitting on the couch beside her. “Little sips, okay?”
Erin nodded, holding the cup in two shaky hands as she brought it to her lips, taking bird-like sips, and Lauren ran her hand soothingly over Erin’s hair.
Michael entered the living room, kneeling on the floor in front of his daughter. “How’s that?” he asked gently.he corner of his mouth lifted in a smile. , le
“Good,” she said, resting the cup on her thigh. “Daddy?”
“Hmm?” he hummed, tucking her hair behind her ear.
“Can we watch the pony movie?”
He smiled. “Sure,” he said, standing from his spot and turning toward the television, and just as Lauren went to stand, Erin reached over and clasped her hand.
“You can be the pink pony, and I’ll be the purple one,” she said.
Lauren smiled softly at her before she glanced over at the front door, at her salvation. With a resigned sigh, she sat back against the couch, rubbing the back of Erin’s hand with her thumb.
After hitting play, Michael returned to the couch, sitting on the other side of Erin, and she laid down across them, putting her head in her father’s lap and her legs across the top of Lauren’s thighs. Michael glanced down at her and smiled before he looked over at Lauren.
“I’m sorry,” he mouthed.
She had no idea if he was referring to the fact that she was forced to stay and watch the movie, or what had just transpired between them, but she nodded.
“It’s okay,” she mouthed back, and he smiled softly before turning his attention back to the movie.
For the next hour, they watched the pony movie, and eventually Lauren found herself starting to nod. The first few times, her eyes would snap open, and she’d shift on the couch, trying to refocus on the cartoon movie about magical flying horses. But at some point, that method must have stopped working, because the next thing she knew, she felt something softly brushing against her cheek.
She opened her eyes slowly, blinking against her blurred vision. The television was off, and the room was almost completely dark now.
“Hey,” Michael whispered, brushing his hand against her cheek.
“Michael?” she rasped, sitting up slightly. She could just make out his features in the darkness as her eyes finally adjusted; he was leaning over her, his face mere inches from hers. “What time is it?”
“Midnight,” he said, his hand resting on her cheek. “We all fell asleep.”
“Erin?” she asked.
“She’s in her bed. I think it’s over,” he said softly, his thumb brushing the side of her face as he spoke.
Lauren nodded, her eyes falling closed for a second before she opened them again.
She felt his breath against her face as he spoke. “Take my bed tonight. I’ll sleep in Erin’s room with her.”
Lauren shook her head gently. “I’ll be awake in a second.”
“Please,” he said softly. “I don’t want you driving like this. It’s the least I could do.”
Lauren knew she should protest. She knew she had no business staying in this house. But she was so tired, and the idea of driving home right now seemed so daunting, and his bed was so close, just a few feet away…
With a sigh, she felt herself nod, and she could just make out the smile on Michael’s lips.
“Thank you again. For everything.”
Before she could even register what he was doing, Michael leaned toward her, pressing his lips against her cheek. The corner of his mouth touched the corner of hers, and Lauren closed her eyes, her body feeling heavy as he pressed his lips to hersyn the with sleep and surrender.
His lips left her skin slowly, but he made no move to pull away from her; their faces were so close now that Lauren could no longer decipher his features in the dimness.
And then, against her will, she turned slightly, closing her eyes and pressing her cheek against his.
His hand was still on her face, and she felt his fingers twitch ever so slightly as he exhaled a slow, shaky breath, the heat of it dancing over her ear and down her neck.
With one last stroke of his thumb against her cheek, he pulled back suddenly. “Good night, Lauren,” he said, his voice somewhat strained, and he turned and walked down the hall toward Erin’s room.
Lauren sat on the couch for a minute after he’d left her, her eyes closed and her breathing slow, but this time, it had nothing to do with being tired. When she finally regained her composure, she stood and walked down the hall to Michael’s bedroom.
By the time she climbed into his bed, she was wide awake, and she lay there in the darkness, blinking up at his ceiling. There was a strange twinge low in her chest, and she wondered briefly if perhaps she’d caught Erin’s virus.
With a sigh, she rolled onto her side and buried her face into his pillow.
It smelled like his bed in high school.
Lauren closed her eyes, remembering all the afternoons she’d spent lying in his bed, doing homework, talking, watching movies, the time he spent the entire afternoon trying to teach her how to play video games, to no avail. She remembered the night she had too much to drink at a party, and Michael had taken her home with him so she wouldn’t get in trouble, tucking her into his bed and sleeping next to her above the covers.
The twinge in her chest surfaced again, and she knew it had nothing to do with Erin’s virus. It was her body telling her what she had known on some level all along, despite the weeks of insistence otherwise.
She still had feelings for Michael. After all these years, after everything he’d done, she still had feelings for him.
Admitting that to herself instantly filled her with equal parts pain and relief, and she turned her face further into his pillow, inhaling deeply.
And then she forced herself to remember the night she wouldn’t allow herself to think about for a long time afterward, and almost immediately, she felt the pillow grow damp beneath her cheek.
She pressed her lips together as all the emotions she expected to feel when she first saw him came crashing down on her with a vengeance: the humiliation, the betrayal, the confusion, the mind-numbing pain.
And yet all she wanted at that moment was for Michael to be in that bed with her, comforting her, reassuring her, wiping the memory of what had happened out of her mind.
She pulled one of his pillows into her body and stifled a sob, wishing more than anything that it was him she was holding. The need pushed against her chest so forcefully that it bordered on painful.
She needed the anger to come soon, the bitterness that briefly surged in her earlier that evening. She wanted to feel it again; it was the only thing that could prevent her from doing something stupid.
But the resentment never came. Or if it did, it didn’t have a chance of winning out over the other things she was feeling for him at that moment.
And so she laid there, completely wrapped in the memories and the scent of him, in the intimacy of being in his bed, until finally by some miracle, she fell into the merciful refuge of s looked down"> shoulderleep.

The next morning Lauren awoke with a strange feeling. It was some combination of foreboding and acceptance, like she knew something bad had just happened, but she also knew getting upset over it wouldn’t change anything.
She walked out to the living room to see Erin sitting on the couch, watching some show about a talking blue dog. She smiled and waved at Lauren before she said, “Shh, Daddy’s sleeping.”
Lauren smiled and mouthed okay to her as she made a big production of tiptoeing into the living room, and Erin giggled.
“You hungry yet?” she asked, and Erin nodded.
“Okay, be right back,” she said.
She went back into Michael’s kitchen and made Erin some toast with a thin layer of jelly, and she brought it out to her with another small cup of Pedialyte.
“Little bites and little sips, okay? Just until your belly is back to normal.”
Erin nodded and thanked her, turning her eyes back to the television show as she took a small bite of the toast.
“I’m gonna get my stuff and head back home now. But Daddy’s here, and I’ll see you on Monday.”
“Okay,” she said around her mouthful of toast, her eyes still on the TV, and Lauren leaned over and kissed the top of her head before she turned back toward Michael’s room.
After grabbing her things, she stopped in the doorway to Erin’s bedroom. Michael was sprawled out across the floor, lying on a pink comforter half the size of his body and covered with another that left the majority of his legs exposed. She pressed her lips together when she recognized the ponies on his blanket as the ones from the movie last night.
Her eyes moved to his face, his expression completely serene in slumber. His dark lashes fanned out beneath his eyes, and there was a shadow of stubble on his jaw, contrasting the full, pink lips that were slightly parted with his soft breathing.
Lauren walked carefully into the room, pulling the blanket off of Erin’s bed and covering his legs. And then she closed her eyes and took a long, steadying breath before she turned to walk out of the room.
She said good-bye to Erin and got in her car, not even bothering to turn the radio on as she made her way back home.
Crossing lines. It had been what started their friendship in the first place all those years ago, and then what propelled it into something substantial. What built it up and made it strong.
And finally, what ended up destroying it.
Lauren knew she had just done it again. Her original plan had been to remain strictly professional with him, at least until they could talk about everything that had happened. But yesterday, when she had offered to go to his house and care for his sick child, that plan had gone out the window.
It shouldn’t have been that big of a deal, crossing back into a friendship with him. But Jenn, damn her, had been right. She wasn’t starting on square one with Michael. Lauren had let herself go an inch last night, and suddenly she was right back where she knew she couldn’t be.
She needed to get back.
The “keeping it professional” ship had sailed; she recognized that. Instead, she needed to focus all her efforts on holding the line now, on keeping it strictly friendship. She couldn’t allow herself to slip beyond that again, the way she had last night. and turned to look at her.ck you to
“You can do this. You can totally do this. Just…get back on the other side of the line and stay there,” she told herself as she turned onto the interstate.
But Lauren had been crossing lines with Michael for as long as she could remember.
And she knew from experience that once she did, it was virtually impossible to go back.