My chest tore a little more, and I slipped back deeper, away from the pain.
Darkness prevailed. Up, down, day, night; I didn’t know any of those. But I did know I was safe. The pain, the loneliness, the worthlessness; it was all unable to touch me in my own black world.
Nathan didn’t want me.
I rose again, something was pulling me. Not a voice. I couldn’t quite tell, but it pulled me from the darkness, calling out to me. I could hear the beating.
Ba-bump. Ba-bump. Ba-bump.
No voices, no sounds, just the beating, calling to me, pulling at me.
There was nothing but the darkness and the beating. And it was constant, unrelenting.
Ba-bump. Ba-bump. Ba-bump.
Nathan?
It drew me closer to the surface, and I heard the voices again. They spoke medical terminology—gibberish to my ears.
Ba-bump. Ba-bump. Ba-bump.
It was so close. There in the darkness. He was so close.
I began to shake, fighting against his call. I knew it was him, only he pulled at me. He wasn’t in the room, but he was close.
The unknown voices were still speaking, but I didn’t understand them. I only heard him.
Ba-bump. Ba-bump. Ba-bump.
“…ven Palmer.”
One of the voices broke through, calling out the name of the man who helped to conceive me but would never be my father.
All sound stopped. A ringing filled my ears along with the voice.
“Emergency contact. This paperwork is about thirteen years old, but it does say next of kin. Perhaps we should call him? He would want to know about his daughter’s condition.”
No. No. No. Please. You can’t call him. Don’t. No!
I thought I had been screaming in my head, but before me were two wide eyed doctors, staring at me in shock.
I began to scream, begging them not to call him, thrashing in the bed, tears streaming down my face as I yanked on the tubes in my arms in an attempt to flee.
“What the hell is going on in here?” I heard Dr. Morgenson’s voice ring out through my screaming. “Lila. Lila. Calm down!” He called out to me, his hands stroking at my hair.
“Please, please, Dr. Morgenson, don’t let them call him. Please. He doesn’t want me. No one wants me,” I cried. “I can’t listen to him tell me again that he hates me.”
I trusted Dr. Morgenson. He knew my past; he had worked with me before and knew I had no one. That turning to my former family would be worse than death to me.
“Shh, no one is calling anyone, Lila. It’s just you and me here now. You need to calm down before you make me give you a sedative, which I really don’t want to do.” His voice was soothing.
I made my body relax back into the bed, but my breathing was still labored, tears streaming out of my eyes uninhibited. It was then that everything came crashing down on me. The pain in my chest seared like a red hot poker. I stared up at the ceiling in an attempt to calm myself, but it didn’t help. A sob ripped through my body, and I turned to the side, my body curling in on itself as sob after sob poured out.
“Not enough. I’m not enough. Not strong enough. Now…I’m nothing. Nothing. Just like they always said.”
“Lila, I need you to focus on me now, can you do that?” Dr. Morgenson asked.
I turned my head to look at him. He was blurry through the tears, but I could make out his black hair and the look of concern on his face.
“How do you feel?”
“L-like there’s a h-hole in my chest. It h-hurts so much,” I stammered, gasping for air.
“Breathe, Lila. You need to calm down. Take a deep breath,” he instructed.
I complied as best I could. It was difficult with all the things I was suddenly feeling.
There was a pinch on my arm and coldness slipping up my veins and then nothing. I ceased to be. The blackness took me. Thank God…
When I came to, an unknown amount of time later, Dr. Morgenson was there, waiting for me and waiting to explain what was going to happen.